You come back every so often
And try to catch me in your trap
But I have firmly stuck my walls in place
So **** it, and don't come back

Your calm voice ignores my order
You say we need each other, you refuse to leave me be
But last time you declared I needed you the most
Oh the irony

To be or not to be
That's the question right?
Well I'm going to "be" and you're going to leave
Get out of my sight

What am I?

Well…
I can tell you what I’m not.

I’m not popular
I’m not funny
Nobody likes me

I’m not cool
I’m clumsy
I’m huge…

I’m fat
Not skinny
I drown myself in food

It tastes so good
When people’s words taste so bad

What else can I do?
It’s my only comfort
It’s my only friend
I shovel
    Shovel
       Shovel
The tasty sugary, salty, buttery goodness into my mouth
It’s my safe place

Until

My delicious heaven turns into a guilty hell
I realize my error
The food is the cause
It adds on to my suffering
People are starting to notice

So what do I do?

I eliminate it completely
I ignore my needs
I deny my suffering

Why?

Because someone actually called me beautiful
So I keep going

Trips to the doctor grow in size
They have my cure
It will surely be my downfall
I’ll return to where I was before
I ignore their words

Why?

To keep my crisp jawline
My flat stomach
My skinny legs
My stick arms
Because this is beautiful

I keep going

I walk miles on end
My crackling lips are thirsty
However my mind is thirstier
To get that beach body
But I can’t do that
If I don’t put anything in

You can see my bones
My hair is brittle
I can’t breathe
I’m absent from school
I’m dying…

But I can’t see it
I don't want to see it
This... is beautiful
I’m glowing
But I can no longer look in the mirror
I’m still not good enough
I have to be perfect

I keep going

Until I can't anymore
I can't get out of bed
I can only carry one binder in my backpack
I have to stop
I need to stop
But it's impossible on my own

I get help

And here I am
Telling my story

People love me
People care
Those who don't, don't matter
I have style
I’m talented
I'm beautiful on my own
Without my poison

I'm a woman
Not a joke
Not a treat
Not a barbie
I'm not something you can own
You can't throw me around
I work hard
I love
I breath
I'm a living soul
If someone says "Why don't you join the ladies in the kitchen?"
I grow with...
Rage
Saddness
Defeat
Because I'm a human being...
Not a servant
So watch out sexists
On either side
Because no gender is above the other
Not smarter
Not stronger
Not worth more
So why can't we all get along!?
Well... The world sticks to its beliefs
We can't make someone change their mind unless they want to
But I'll be here to stand up for what's right
I'm a woman
And I'm coming at you fast

Pulled off a speeding train
Singing without vocal cords
Coloring outside the lines
A back flip with no practice
A book with no words
Walking without legs
A joke that's not funny
Tinsel without sparkle
A broken arm with no cast
...
All these words describe
You
Me
And the distance between us
...
An "I miss you" doesn't cover it
The deep hole in my chest
The heavy pit in my stomach
The sad streams down my face
Can show you how it feels
But again...
Impossible to explain
...
I love you
I need you
But until I come home
Let's both stay strong

Pulled away from
Home
    Family
       Friends
          Love
             Likes
                Losses
                   Hopes
                      Questions
                         Answers
                            Dreams
                               Trying
                                 Wining
                                     Faking...
Because I'm broken
Yet, I'm going to be fixed
The real question is... Do I want to be?
I've held onto problems, trying to pretend they weren't there
Digging myself an even deeper hole
To a point where it's almost impossible to get out
...
I can't shrug off reality forever
I can't always be fine...
Unless fine is in the ground
Six
  Feet
    down
I've wanted to end it... one swipe or pop and it'd be over...
But I could never do that to the ones who've
   Been my rock
      Held me up
         Threw away my poison's
           Took on my sorrows
             Made me smile
                Gave me hope
I AM getting better for them
I WILL leave for them
And when I'm through, I'll walk out smiling...
...
I am NOT an eating disorder.
I'm just a girl who has one
I've made up my mind...
I will win.

The day unravels with a calm whisper
Blanketed by the warm embrace of soft spoken words
Your smile radiates through the crowds and sets a mood that could never crumble
Reality has no place here
You're safe for now.
...
The minute you're alone it sets in...
Calm whispers play back as ****** cries
Soft spoken words that blanketed now throw you into the cold.
Why should you smile?
This is reality...

But you try to make it right again the next day
Because... Where could you run to?
You are stuck in this countless circle till the end of time.

Since we were younger our days stretched hours on end
We learned that a long day, added to a long week, a long month, a long year, and farther
But we get stuck in a reality that goes through the motions
We become numb
Unable to keep up
Stressing perfection
Caught up in our own lives
Our own bubbles
We cycle over and over and over, till there's nothing left
Not once to realize the time tick by
Not once seeing our hair turn grey
Not once glancing around us
Until... It's time to say our goodbyes
We feel... unfinished
There's so much more to do
Why was there such a long wait...
For nothing
Why is life being cut short?
We try to defy this reality
In the end...
Our bubbles pop
Just like the ones before us
And our mist...
Destined for some place unknown