I am the rain, filled up inside the ditch
the flood's rockets shooting to the sky
the black mystery in the electric stars, shocking
vaporizing my waves and the boats float on, plunged, and sinking
and the tidal waves keeps coming and beating whatever hand I throw up
to hold myself onto the plank and I drift away and fade away
in your eyes as they send the whole ocean to me and I'm blown away to
space in a space untraveled, and float without gravity or anything to hold me

and then split in two, one colliding toward earth and back to the ocean to
feel you drowning me with your eyes that echo the waves
and the moonlight fills my soul as the tree of life burns
and back up, far away
I still am floating and going farther, and farther away, entering in the
claustrophobia and the beautiful queen looks at me but can't choose which one,
the floating man who will one day vanish, or the man who keeps drowning with obsession
so, the right decision would be to say neither  
but it doesn't solve anything, really
I kept pulling you inside,
so close until I died under your weight
and the rockets keep shooting up from the depths of the ocean
and I keep looking down at the definition of the shore
and the box keeps opening with new tricks and new
obsessions and the screams echo the screams in your eyes which flood
everything inside of me, and the screams echo the screams
and the screams echo the screams
and I'm poured out, your eyes, your body
it's changed
it's new
somehow
I collapse under your weight and your beauty, if you only knew
the waves and space are one (and could we be, I think, could we be)
yet the screams echo the screams
the screams echo the screams
the screams cannot be heard in space, or underwater
*but that doesn't mean they aren't there

my ocean is what drowns the soul
she said to me, on a warm winter day:
"you just need to hold on"

and hold on to what, I wondered
falling into that invisible pit I heard
you say to be happy for what I deserve

through the window feeling the crisp air of beauty
the rotting people lying on the streets, my window,
my window, blocked and inescapable
the danger is real, yet I accept this fate
and my faith in your beauty upon my hand
and your invisible body against mine at three in the morning
your hand over my shoulder, my sigh
my body shivering and letting out a scream
I feel as if I've jumped out of my body

the ocean takes my soul and turns it to water
from the water I came and from the water I go,
worst fears seem more realistic than the best dreams
of a childhood lost and the future unexplainable
'you have to wait' but I cannot, I cannot
'But you have to'

nothing is as good as the feeling of lost waves and lost measurements
my walk through the darkness is a clean one,
my god, my god, can I be the light
can this be the light
and the two men smoking said to each other:
'This is what I wanted, what I wanted was good, and what was good was what I wanted'
what I wanted was a surreal day dream
the waves upon my back, and my face caressing the
soft shore and the girls lying down while the boys play on the sand
I have never fallen in love with a beach, or a person, but an idea
and that's worse than anything in the world
straightforwardness asks for recompense and I am part of the ocean
when I look up to see your face, and feel your lips, your cold lips
that have never felt what it feels to be so random
'again, and again, I want to try again'

I stare at you as if you're leaving on a train, far, far away, and I can do nothing about it because I can see forever and forever, and you still wave, and this moment is eternal
and that's what makes me fear for eternal life, an eternity of you just staring at me
wanting, wishing, hopefully just like me
just like me I see the stars above so late, so early
whatever is whatever, the subtly, the dreams
they are nothing since I have chosen this according to the masses
they do not understand, and they will not understand, and they will never understand
the trumpets, the waves, the ocean, the moon and the earth all explode with my opus
my dream my wants and my desire to be good at something for once,
or perhaps to have something ****** upon me
because everything is not random as I lean over the invisible balcony staring down at the road
and I picture a picture of you and you were me and I was me and then finally I was you
and I wished I could change, oh Jesus, I wished I could change, to switch
I shake in the moment, my knees collapse in my idea of eternity, to be on the moon,
to be falling through the skies not as two beings but as one
and that is a dream and that is tonight
but tonight is almost over because midnight has reached a few hours ago and
three is over by a long shot
and they clap their hands, they clap their hands
as I leave the mystery behind me as they say, in unison,
'You have chosen this'
Yes, yes, I have chosen this
this inevitability, this randomness, this recurring everything that is
everywhere inside my mind and upon the paper and whatever I do is just the same, so please, oh god, please, oh god, please stop trying to drown me in the grace that I have tried to accept, because I am you and you are me and we fall again because this is the Fall and I think I understand but I don't and I never will

and the sun rises up without you beside me,
to add to the symbolic nature of your long hair that reminds me of fire
and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try
to just be me and I tried to be me once again as I stared at the timeline
and then back at my idea of you and that's what is destroying everything inside and out
as I hold on to that idea, because people may leave, and people may stop loving, and people may die, but the idea never dies
so I sit in my chair or lay in my bed or lean over that invisible balcony and whisper the same words over and over again as I stare at you going to Nowhere on the train that never ends because I'm already stuck in eternity, those words, oh god, those words that can make the strongest of men and the most beautiful of women vanish:
'I love you'
(yes I did I do I did I do I did I do)
Do not drown me, because from water I came, and water I will return

*exeunt

yes to the left hand crush --

i am the one who knows the Sun
distinguishing the left from the right
say no to society
backed up propriety
my Country is my nothing
my heart is in the grey abyss

say no to surprises because
at once, when you swim up from the shallow waters
they cease to exist
and say no to advances by
people in dances
left, and right
fists in the air
(this is nothing)
perhaps a little to dissuaded from reality
i'm not as drunk on ego as you think
i discovered my disguise in
my face in the corner

say no to the News
and yes to its addiction
believe nothing from people who know
nothing
propaganda exploding in the mist
until it clears up
i've found while you swing around
i'll smash a window with a chair
until everyone's aware
masks or no masks
attention via attention
stand hold
body down
say no to deconstruction
live the fast life
while i sit down and wait
for some little clue

until i realized that all of you
in one loud, pulsing moment
their all the same
and you too
you've fallen so far even though
i've fallen the farthest
but at least i'm honest
ask me again and i think
it'll be the disguise under the skin in
my mask and you hold on
to my choices
and i say no to this 'society'
and i'll say no to you
yes
i'll say no to you
i know i can do it
because all this time i haven't loved you
i've hated you

spinning through a mirror on a solitary
style in the winds of Winter
devouring faces near and far

vulnerable outside here in your
glorious shadow, night or morning
hit me in the head as I stare into
an empty room-
so full, so full

full of gentle movements uncaring
and believable in terms of healing
your grace is ungraceful
(you expect to much)
I can't even believe it

responding to the response that never came,
a little trigger to get your attention

I'm,
holding on
running in a circle,
so nice
doing the dance on the ice

it's alright,
and it's okay
you tell me in my mind
it could be no other way

the farther away I am,
the closer I get
little things that remind me,
and even as I wish I could erase your face
you keep showing me these other things
another side, a hole in the wall
a hole in my heart
outside your window,
running in circles,
so nice, so very very nice
doing this dance (alone) on the cold
hard
sharp
ice

h a n d i n g
over the grave,
just to ****** your attention

lies upon li es and m
                                      o   r e

l ies

spaced in between yelling:
'I'm still here!'
with anger towards thing included
in such matrimony and forgiveness

expectations over the grave
everyone is exactly the same
i am not a privilege and don't deserve you,
or you or you (or you)

patience gone, over the grave
they think it's so easy
finding somewhere to belong
and it is easy
but i chose the hard way
(i'm still here)
aided by loneliness,
(why are you crying)
i am crying too
with stepfive:
Self acceptance and forgiveness
falling down the grave, over the other graves
****** in by the simple beauty of it all
all around me is a painting
sometimes grey, or blue
sometimes all hidden in little boxes,
getting quieter...and quieter
mixed in with style
breathing in, and out
to remember i'm human like the rest of you
so much worse, so much better
i'm still here, and vulnerable
as i hear you breathe in, and out,
turned around your head feeding stepfive to me
but i can swallow as i am the one who needs my choke myself
on self-acceptance and forgiveness
not for one thing, but for many, but most of all you
and all the sighs released are my oxygen
my beautiful, my gorgeous work of art,
why do you throw me over the grave?

I'm still here, vulnerable, and sorry,
choking on stepfive (looking at you)

calm me with your hands
smooth my wounds a little more
i'm lost in this invisible highway
wandering with lots of baggage

while i'm stuck here hung up high by disappointment,
crucified by travesty depression love and sickness
everyday my stomach hurts,
my head burns
i can see the light coming
but i know i must not surrender to the light
that is disguised as darkness

and i must remember, as my body aches
the good times and not the bad
perhaps those times were too few

if i could start over i would
crawl out of a small claustrophobic box of death
and depression
and with my hands, come back into the womb

surrender to the fall,
with the mother of us all
looking over
giving birth to everyone
so fast, so short
i can't look past you,
your eyes staring at me
watching me be taken down
you must throw me into the sun
the true light, the true fight
i can try to see the future but
i'm truly blind to everything
and i know you try to help
but every word crucifies and burns
my aching soul
and as I feel like it's time to melt back into the ground
i climb back into the womb with my Ladder
and wait to be slipped back in again,
but all I can feel is your face
all i see are your eyes
everyone else doesn't matter
i've waited so long
i've been up here so long
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
and just hold me,
for a little while
because i am not the one who needs to hold,
i am the one who needs to be held.