I don't want to change.
I don't
And I can't.
I'm fine.
I'm fine the way I am.
Leave me alone
'Cause I'm fine
And your fine too.
We're all fine.
Yay
What a wonderful world.

Hearing my name
Coming from new
Lips
Is always a strange thing.
Feeling a new name
Coming from my own
Lips
Is stranger still.
And what would happen if
they touched?

Let me see
If this "love" thing
Exists.

My brain says no
My heart says please
And my soul says

wait and see

The world spins
Not my head.
I should remember that.

I am here
I have a voice that could be heard
I have opinions that could be listened to
I have skin that could be touched
I have eyes that could be stared into
I have breath that could be smelled
I have lips that could be kissed
I am here
Sharing this world with billions of other people

sometimes I forget that

What do you do
When you can't
cry?
What do you do
When you can't
Help?
What do you do
When there's no place
to go?
Your not stuck with anyone
but your self.

The lights
Are too bright
For my eyes
For my heart
For me.
But which me?

The point of all this
Isn't to be happy
I realize that now.
So I ask
What is?

The only reason people like you
Is because you put them
First.
Don't forget that.
Don't lose sight of what keeps you alive.
Is that a threat? I asked
Only if you want it to be
It answered

Maybe I'll twist my
head off and throw it in the
Trash where it belongs

The only kind of fight
That can numb pain
instead of causing more of it
Is a snow fight

All the tension
All the anger
All the exhaustion
All the self hatred

Just freeze in the air

And your surrounded with
screeming and laughter
Running and ducking
Aiming and throwing

I haven't had a snow fight
In a long time
It was a nice surprise.

Take a closer look and you'll see
Little boxes float inside me

I'd like to believe they hold my truth
But seeing as they're trapped in boxes
I don't have much proof

Each box has it's own route
An orbit
And my heart is the sun,
Forever destined to spiral in
Neverending loops
It's all part of the fun

Will I ever be able to crack open
The purple shell
And see what's inside?
Or will I forever be afraid
To open my eyes?

I can't feel anything.
Why can't I feel anything?
Where did my heart go?
It ran away
It couldn't take me anymore.
Where did my tears go?
They almost dried up completely
But manage to visit
Every once in a while.
Where did my memory go?
I can't remember where I put it last
Maybe it's hiding from me.
Where did I go?
Nowhere and everywhere

I've never had
more than one dainty little sip of beer
and I've never been under
the influence of anything other
than the very loud and contradicting voices in my head.

So every time
the smell of smoke makes my body itch
for a cigarette between my lips
or for maybe even one real kiss
The voices take charge and I stay safe
in my head.

I've never had
more than one dainty little sip of life
And I don't intend on having another.

But what would happen mother
If I let myself exist?

I hate waking up,
                                   I hate falling asleep
And I hate
             everything in between.

It's all lies.
All the flies and the spies
You sent came back misadvised
You thought maybe
You can deserve somthing more
Maybe your worth saving
If your vulnerable enough to explore
The shores and the locked doors
Curiously waiting
Constantly aching
It's all lies
Those thoughts and your hearts
Show you parts you never wanted to find
You'd stay blind for the rest of your life
If you could.
The light can't burn
If you shut you eyes
It's all lies
It's all lies
It's all lies

I have no energy left to
Cry
I say
Goodbye
To happiness and
Sigh
Why can't I close my
Eyes
And fall
asleep
Instead I lie awake In
bed
and
think
of death
Maybe try to hold my
Breath
I know it's stupid
I can't
stop it
Even when
I know I'm ruined
I just want it all
to stop
Please
Maybe tomorrow I'll
sleep in
Peace.

Why?
I don't get it.
Why would you want to be with someone
Who doesn't want to be with themselves?

I want somebody to want my love.
I want somebody who thinks
my love is worthy
and that I am worthy of theirs.
I want to know that I'm ok

Bursting chest and swallowed salty streams
Bouncing knee caps and silent scraping screams
This is all I've ever been
This is all I've ever known
Only in heartache and loneliness
Will I ever find a home

My mind is a bubble
that  s t r e a c h e s   f a r   a n d   w i d e.
A bubble that won't ever pop.
No matter how hard I try
I can't get out.

My mind is a network
of never ending loops.
Loops that pull me in
deeper
   and
     deeper.
No matter how hard I try
I can't get out.

What would you do if you felt like you couldn't trust your own mind?

My pants are tight,
Tighter than ever.
I used to slip into them just fine,
Now I hold my breath.

The truth is a hard pill to swallow,
And I swallow it everyday.
Two of them actually,
In the morning, just after I eat.

I should think after all these years,
Some things would seep into the bloodstream.
But truths can take a lifetime to digest,
If the stomach won't cooperate.

So I'm left somewhere in between,
Like always.

No one is going to love you
No one
The words repeat in my head
Like a lullaby
That is how I fall asleep
Did you know?
Each word is a knife in my back
No one is going to love you
No one

No one is going to love you
No one
In the silence between words
The knife slides out
Only to be quickly jabbed back in
Again
Like a lullaby
No one
is going
to love
you
No
one

Orli,
Your scars are showing.
Orli,
Your movements are slowing
Orli,
Your eyes are red and blurring.
Orli,
Your brain is overflowing.

You can't let them see.
You can't let them know.

Orli,
Your scars are showing.

So this is what jealousy feels like?
Solid in my bones
Burning in my veins
Isn't this what you wanted?
To feel new kinds of pain?

So this is what connection feels like?
Deep in my heart
Messing up my brain
But this is what I wanted.
I'll forever need the pain.

I am always shifting
From positive to negative
Like indecisive waves
Not sure if they want to stay strong
Or crash on shore

Every single time you forget.
You forget how it makes your heart pound
You forget how it makes you short of breath
You forget how the fear spreads
through your whole body
How your heart
drops
How you feel the tears start
to form in your eyes
How your muscles tense up
wanting to make yourself as small as possible
You forget how awful it makes you feel.
But it's to late
You've done it
You've said it
And you tell yourself,
you'll remember next time.
You promise yourself,
you won't ever talk again.
But it never works
Because every single time you forget.

I'm back in my bed
Just like I was six hours ago
Just like I was this whole week
All I do these days is just
Sleep and sleep and sleep

Is it sad that
Whenever you say my name
It reminds me that I'm
Here?
That I exist?

I crush my dreams
Before reality can catch
Up.
I win the race
But always end up losing.

I'll use the rain
To dry my face
My eyes are damp
Already
A little more water
Should hide the pain
I'll show them I'm still
Steady

One of these days
my heart will escape my rib cage
And my lungs will choke my throat
My ears will whisper lies
And tell me it's time to go.

We're all just people
Walking through life
imploding and exploding
Simultaneously
In every given moment

This is what happens when you think you deserve something.
This.
Sitting on the toilet seat cover
Crying your guts out
Thinking you can get something other
Than what you have.

I wish my brain
would stop being such a squirmy toddler
and just sit still for a moment.
I'm starting to feel tired
like a parent yelling at a tantruming child
In a crowded supermarket.
Will you just tell me
what you want from me?

On second thought
maybe I'm the child.

How you love being
Forgotten,
How you love being
Set aside,
Don't you love being
the one
who's always left behind?

It's what makes you
Special
It's what makes you
Kind
Always being second best,
It's the only way
To survive.

I'm not afraid of dying
I'm afraid of living.
The concept of mortality
Doesn't phase me
But knowing
I will have to live through
unbearable pain
And come out "stronger"
Keeps me up at night.
But I don't really have a choice
Do I?

Pride means nothing
If you feel like
You don't
exist

I miss the winter.
When the cold
Was my only source of
heat.

I miss the nighttime.
When the dark
Was my only source of
light.

I miss the wounds.
When the pain
Was my only source of
Sensation.

I miss the emptiness.
When the void
Was my only source of
Comfort.

The wind from outside
The wind from inside
Nothing to see
Nothing to hide
My heart is cold
My body on fire
The night is awake
The night won't tire
My eyes will close
My back will fall
The birds won't know
The birds won't call
The dark it consumes
The dark it ignites
My hope from the dark
My hope from the light

Words are a very stubborn thing
Only coming out of hiding when forced
I'm a bully waiting by the swings
Just let me write without remorse

It seems the words won't be giving in
without a fight.
I should get comfortable,
No doubt I'll be here all night.

Waves of loneliness,
Seasons of emptiness,
Stay a while
Then leave.
But I fear
as I go on,
the globe burns
into an eternal summer
and the seas rise
never to
fall
Again.

Spring will fall
Summer will freeze
Nothing will matter
Could you calm down please?

Sometimes I wish I was a
Bird.
But then I think,
who am I kidding?
I wouldn't trust my own
Wings.

Lines make
Letters make
Sounds make
Syllables make
Words make
Up the whole entire universe
Which means everything I know
Is nonsense
That was made up by
Someone who was made up by
Words that were made up by
Syllables that were made up by
Sounds that were made up by
Letters that were made up by
Lines

I'm not here.
Close my eyes and repeat it
Again and again.
I'm not here.
If I was here,
I would be torn
Apart
But I'm not
here.
So no need to worry
About hiding tears
Being swallowed by
Fears
Because I'm not here.
Say it again with me,
I'm not here.

But what happens If
that feeling comes again and
you do
want to be there?
I do
want to be here.
What happens then?
Can I bear it?
my squirming insides
My cut flesh
My beating heart
Beating so fast
So quiet
And loud all at the same time.

Don't you dare tell me I'm getting better