My whole life
I've been waiting for that one person
to
Fling the front doors of my heart open and
break down the walls I've worked so hard to build
Like the movies we all grew up on.
But now I see my walls shouldn't be torn down
They just need a gate
and a sensible gatekeeper

I feel empty
My mind should be a calm lake but
Instead
It's a stormy sea of
Nothing.

Sitting.
Running.
Breathing.
Alone on the bus.
Tears and blood
In the chaos
My whole insides
Smudged on my fingers.
On this page.

I wish I could write
I'm sick of searching and finding nothing inside
I wish the words would actually cooperate
And not hide
I'm sick of saying the same things
over
and over
and over again

Your fake
And your jealous
Why can't you be like her?
Lying on the floor crying
Why can't you feel like her?
Absorbing everything till it
hurts
Please explain
Why does nothing shake your heart
Like it used to?
How does the night not force you into hiding
Like it used to?

I want to go back to how it used to
Be

I'm seeing myself from the outside.
I'm seeing myself
from the outside.
I'm singing myself to sleep.
I'm seeing myself fall to deep
Again.
I'm seeing myself from the outside.
I'm feeling how they felt.
I'm feeling
How they felt,
And I feel so bad.
I feel
So bad.
I put them through this,
Now I'm putting myself
Through this.
I'm choosing to sit and watch everything,
To listen to the crying.
I'm seeing myself from the outside.
She will get out of it, I know,
But will I?

Why do I even try to rhyme?
It's obviously pointless.
All I've done is waste my time

See
I've run out of them already.

Do others try this hard?
Sinking in my bed when they all seem to fly
To the east
To the west
To the stars
I'm in the dark


Do others try this hard?
Giving it my all when I know it's not enough
I try and
I try and
I try to
Stay in touch

But it's too late I missed my chance
I'll have to start all over again


Do others try this hard?
What I want shouldn't be a mystery
But to live
To laugh and
To love are
Things so foreign to me

It's exhausting all this searching
Don't make me start all over again


Do others try this hard?
Squeezing out answers even when it hurts
While my chest
My head and
My throat all
Close up 'till I burst

In the end they never understand
I don't want to start over again

I don't want anything.