Do others try this hard?
Sinking in my bed when they all seem to fly
To the east
To the west
To the stars
I'm in the dark


Do others try this hard?
Giving it my all when I know it's not enough
I try and
I try and
I try to
Stay in touch

But it's too late I missed my chance
I'll have to start all over again


Do others try this hard?
What I want shouldn't be a mystery
But to live
To laugh and
To love are
Things so foreign to me

It's exhausting all this searching
Don't make me start all over again


Do others try this hard?
Squeezing out answers even when it hurts
While my chest
My head and
My throat all
Close up 'till I burst

In the end they never understand
I don't want to start over again

I don't want anything.

My whole life
I've been waiting for that one person
to
Fling the front doors of my heart open and
break down the walls I've worked so hard to build
Like the movies we all grew up on.
But now I see my walls shouldn't be torn down
They just need a gate
and a sensible gatekeeper

Bursting chest and swallowed salty streams
Bouncing knee caps and silent scraping screams
This is all I've ever been
This is all I've ever known
Only in heartache and loneliness
Will I ever find a home

I've never had
more than one dainty little sip of beer
and I've never been under
the influence of anything other
than the very loud and contradicting voices in my head.

So every time
the smell of smoke makes my body itch
for a cigarette between my lips
or for maybe even one real kiss
The voices take charge and I stay safe
in my head.

I've never had
more than one dainty little sip of life
And I don't intend on having another.

But what would happen mother
If I let myself exist?

My pants are tight,
Tighter than ever.
I used to slip into them just fine,
Now I hold my breath.

The truth is a hard pill to swallow,
And I swallow it everyday.
Two of them actually,
In the morning, just after I eat.

I should think after all these years,
Some things would seep into the bloodstream.
But truths can take a lifetime to digest,
If the stomach won't cooperate.

So I'm left somewhere in between,
Like always.

Take a closer look and you'll see
Little boxes float inside me

I'd like to believe they hold my truth
But seeing as they're trapped in boxes
I don't have much proof

Each box has it's own route
An orbit
And my heart is the sun,
Forever destined to spiral in
Neverending loops
It's all part of the fun

Will I ever be able to crack open
The purple shell
And see what's inside?
Or will I forever be afraid
To open my eyes?

No one is going to love you
No one
The words repeat in my head
Like a lullaby
That is how I fall asleep
Did you know?
Each word is a knife in my back
No one is going to love you
No one

No one is going to love you
No one
In the silence between words
The knife slides out
Only to be quickly jabbed back in
Again
Like a lullaby
No one
is going
to love
you
No
one