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Ntsika H Sep 2019
I hope his hugs feel safe and secure.
I hope his actions are as active as his words
I hope his love surpasses the thought of being less than what you are
I hope his mind never wanders from yours and I hope his heart beats with syllables of your name while his veins pump the respect you deserve

I hope your smile is genuine and real and I hope your heart is content with his love
I hope your being finds comfort in his
I hope your love for him is as strong as the fibers that knit eternity into the souls of your mate
I hope your soul merges with his like a soulmate should

I wish you happiness
I wish you joy
I wish you have peace
Ntsika H Sep 2019
I miss what we had
I miss the long walks, the lunch dates that turned to dinner dates.
I miss the ice cream stops, that had us lost in conversation, not looking for direction because being lost in your company means I had reached my destination.

I miss the late night calls, that turned to early morning calls.
I miss having the sound of your voice whisper joys of laughter in my ear while I smirk secretly, taking pride in making my lady laugh to a point where her laugh was inaudible, now she’s totally inaudible. I hardly hear her voice and my day goes by without her saying hi, and sometimes I feel like this is goodbye.

Goodbye to the memories, and the future. Goodbye to the past, and the future and now when I do role call, Absent is always in attendance, taking your place, almost like you were never there but my mind holds evidence of your presence, and now you’re always present in every thought and every action, and not to mention how I find myself making conversation of our old conversations, and starring closely at your pictures, hoping that somehow, life will favor me with you, and somehow you’d jump out these pictures on my communication device so I can communicate with you without needing this device.

Somehow, I wish the Present will come to its senses, so we can, once again, finish each other sentences. If not, I’ll settle for just your essence that I apply like a fragrance, walking around with your scent like a cologne or fragrance that never loses its scent, it doesn’t make sense how I have to live without you because life has been quite heavy and at some point I lived for you.

And no, I won’t die without you but my perception of love and my willingness to love will. I don’t see life without you but if I have to, I might as well have one Rib. I’ll be Adam who doesn’t need no Eve that will leave on the eve of their forever. I will be Adam in the garden of Eden, working and praying to God that the pain of not having my rib won’t pierce my heart like how Jesus’ side was pierced, and just like Jesus, if that pain ever manifested I’d bleed love, and every trace of you.

If the pain ever pierced my side, I’d bleed out. My insides will have your finger prints on it, and I know it doesn’t make sense to have finger prints on a dense liquid but your touch is so deep that my blood would bleed the fragrance of your essence, and your words would be the vessels to having experienced your presence, and my heart would embody your body as my body embraced yours, so vigorously, but cautiously because passion and pleasure need to make room for love, just like how I made room in my heart for you.

If I ever have to live without you, I will accept it and move on. I will forget about you, and never speak of you. I, will live my life having forgotten you ever existed. Haha, I know right. I had myself going for a moment. If I ever have to live life without you, let life live life without me.
Ntsika H Sep 2019
I wish I had more time with her
I wish I had more time to show her how much love I had for her.
I wish I had more time to make her feel special and wanted, mostly needed because I couldn’t go too long without craving her presence.
I wish I didn’t think I was in over my head
I never even say that cause I kinda don’t know what it means but that doesn’t matter because I wanted to show her that she mattered past the things that never made sense to me, until she came along

I mean, I’d never truly believed in having a happy home until she came along
She made me look forward to having her wake up next to me and her eyes meeting mine almost like how the moon meets the sun in a solar eclipse, and our lips lock like the lock she has on my heart. I couldn’t wait to wake up next to her, and giggle because ... if I’m totally honest.. no one has **** breath when they wake up but if there’s anyone I’d love to wake up next to with stank breath, it would be her.

I never believed that I could be a great partner but she made me believe that I had the capability and ability to make her so happy that all her past relationships would have been testing grounds for the actual thing.

I never believed in spending the rest of my life with one person until she became the one person I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life  without

I never believed in love at first sight. I still don’t. I think that’s slightly emotionally impossible to place so much trust in one person after just one encounter. When I saw her for the first time, I didn’t even see her in that light. I didn’t think something so good could come from her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s amazing and she’s been amazing since I met her but I guess my insecurities overtook my logic and now I look stupid because I’ve been in the presence of perfection and I treated her like she was basic.

That’s a lie.
I treat her like gold, and I understand that there’s times where she’ll slip through my fingers because she constantly growing, so every time she gets melted down, she gets sculpted back up so perfectly. I guess there is such a thing we refer to as love at first sight. Waking up to her every morning would be the story of love at first sight.

Imagine waking up to your forever and she actually wants to be there. I know, it sounds odd, right? But imagine that you wake up next to someone who actually needs you just as much as you need them? I guess that is why I keep falling in love with her... because she keeps falling in love with me
Ntsika H Sep 2019
It’s been a few years that most of my words have been centered around your existence
It seems like having you in my life has given me the voice I wish I had sooner

It seems that your presence evokes emotions that I would be oblivious to, had I not met you.

I’m still trying to figure this out.

I’m trying to make sense of why you’re so important. I thought I had it all figured out but I’m so tied to you that detaching would leave me more tangled than the ties I have to you

This seems like a deep hurt, and a heavy pain
It seems like I’ve been held against my will
It seems like I am captive to the beauty of your essence

If anything, this has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Too many seasons have passed, and when Fall came, we fell too.

I tripped over fairytales, and you tripped over reality. On your way down, I guess you dragged me down with you. I say that because a fairytale love is better than the “reality love” because reality makes us conscious of situations rather than each other’s presence. Fairytale love makes us oblivious to situations with intentions of hopefully not encountering hiccups along the way, but change of seasons are usually accompanied with sickness, so hiccups are bound to slow us down every now and then, but never forever.

You have been the reason that I get through most seasons. You’ve been answered prayers in your speech, and in your silence. You have been lessons. I have learned. I keep learning.

What I fail to understand is how two people that fall, stand up together. I fail to understand how the base of our bond was centered around being a safe space for each other, and when it matters most, the cold feet season seeps in and you get jittery about your insecurities, almost like you never nurtured mine.

I get scared too
Everyday, to be honest
I’m scared that I won’t be enough to keep you intrigued. I get scared that I won’t be able to keep up. I get scared that I might have to live life without you being a part of it. I get scared that I will have to wake up next to my second choice, knowing deep down that you are my one and only.

I think I get it
When things are going good, we get scared
Culture has taught us that too much of a good thing is bad for you. I can assure you, I’m not all good. I have issues, as do you. I make mistakes, as do you. I am fragile, as you are. We’re both clumsy.

I can hear the glass breaking already
I can see the mess on the kitchen floor of our fragile house - if you thought we were the glasses, then I guess you don’t see us past what we’ve unknowingly built.

Welcome home...?
Ntsika H Sep 2019
I have a bad habit of listening to sad music when I’m sad. To come to think about it, it’s not actually sad music. It’s just music that closest relates to how I’m feeling at that moment

I guess we cling onto the things that allow us to loath in our pain, and rhythms and rhymes keep us wrapped up in self pity, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be at my worst to get to my best. It’s just a whole mix up.

My life is a playlist.
My playlist is as random as the shuffle button.
You never know what you’re going to get until you get it.
I already have a weird taste in music.
I could go from the calmest, most soothing song to some death metal music. I heard black people don’t listen to heavy metal. That isn’t entirely true. We do listen to heavy metal.... when we’re in a car with white people

Sometimes, heavy metal is the order of the day
With the rowdy instruments and the high pitched voice, sometimes it’s hard to make sense of what we don’t understand. After such a wild song, you can bet my ears are ringing even after the songs done, and that’s why I feel like my life is a playlist. You know never know what you’re getting until you get it and after you get what you got, the pain and trauma linger in your life a little after the song ends, and the funny thing about a playlist is that it’s consistent with the different songs and it’s not a respecter of the last song so you can have 3 heavy metal songs play in a row, by the time a good calm song comes on, you can hardly hear it and that’s why sometimes I can hardly hear her.

After 3 bad relationships, when the right one comes along, my heart is still beating to the pain my past has inflicted and now she’s wondering why my heart doesn’t beat for her... it’s because it beats for them...

I know how this sounds but I’m over them.
Well, I am. I think I am. It’s a little confusing because every time she says I love you, my heart feels a little pain because that last person to say that to my heart, ended breaking it.

I know what this sounds like
I do love her, too. Most of the time.
I’m just being honest. On the days I don’t love her it’s purely because I feel that I don’t deserve to be with her in the state that I’m in.

I know her playlist is also on shuffle
I just want to be that artist that she’s been waiting for. The one whose music is flawed but true. It’s genuine. I want to be the artist that makes all the other artists look like mumble rappers. Their beats move me more than their words do. I know that it seems like I’m going at other genres, and I’m actually not. Just like I’m entitled to an opinion, I know what she likes because she shares her opinions with me, and loud noises, high pitched voices, sick beats with no meaning behind their words isn’t what she likes.

I’ve mastered the art of layering everything she likes, into one song so even when she has a terrible set of songs, there’s one song that will come along and restore what every other song took away. I make her whole with my broken pieces and it’s intentionally so because I was produced, mixed and mastered to the tune of her life so she’s always compatible with my content. She’s always content when listening to the sounds of a her heartbeat, through the earphones of my chest, which ultimately lead to my heart. I’m her favorite song, and she’s my favorite listener.
Ntsika H Sep 2019
If I had a Rand for every time I heard that, I’d be a good R10 richer in the space of 3 years and 10 potentials. I know what this looks like but, for the first time in the history of man, can I say... It’s not what it looks like.. and, it’s actually not what it looks like

I’ve given so much of myself to the well-being of her and she gave me the default response for every female that claims that they want a good man until they encounter one. I am not ready.

She laughs in my company, and genuinely laughs without the fear of being hurt. Between my bad jokes and painful roasts, she finds safety without any attachment. She gets all of me without having to commit to a forever that will leave her happier than she would be chasing the so called “f-boy”
I guess females these days tend to hide behind their words. They say what they don’t mean and they don’t mean what they say so when it’s time to account for what’s been said, they plead the fifth with evidence being the very man they hit with their most famous line. I am not ready.

The best part is when they tell you how they need you but they’re too scared of heartbreak, but if they’re ex called, they’d offer him the same opportunity to break their heart all over again, so when a guy like me comes into to town to turn that frown upside down, she boldly reaches in to her timidity and ignorance, and with all the strength she has left to make a good decision, she says .. I am not ready, but surely if he came back and apologized, you wouldn’t think twice about the compromise, and you’d fantasize about all the lies, and the tears you cried and somehow, your ******* would let this ***** back into your life!

I’m sorry, none of you are ******* but y’all do stupid things, just like we all do. I guess my frustration is you know I can treat you better but you’re settling for someone who’s settled in on being less than the man you need him to. I know I’m not perfect, neither am I judgmental, but I bet you R10, I’m further along than he is with treating you right.

I’m not promising rainbows and sunshine. I’m promising consistency. I will consistently fall in love with you even on days you don’t love yourself, or even me. I understand that people fight all the time, and I heard make up *** is pretty amazing so will I intentionally fight with you every now and then? No, I won’t. That’s a lie, yes, I will. I guess it wouldn’t be purely based on making up afterwards. I guess it would be based on my fears and insecurities, so sometimes I’ll fight with you to see if you’re still down for me and I know that doesn’t make sense, and I told you I ain’t perfect, but I’d love to still feel wanted even on days I don’t want to be myself.... or on days where I beat myself up for not doing enough, while having 24hour days, and no sleep.... trying to chase a dream that I can’t wait to live out - with you.

I won’t promise you anything I can’t deliver. So, you’re going to be very familiar with kisses... yeah, I will kiss you for anything and everything.. break a nail, mwah, love you boo! You make me laugh, mwah, love you boo. Drop a smelly bomb... you guessed it.. mwah, I love you boo! I grab ***, anytime. Sometimes, by accident but mostly on purpose. I give lengthy hugs. If you’re running late, that’s on you... not me.. come give me some sugar.. I love loving on you in any and every way, and your voice would be the soundtrack to my life.. I will cherish your presence almost like everyday is the last day I have with you, and sometimes, I hold grudges, but just kiss my neck and I will even forget what I was mad about

What I’m trying to say is love will always be present. The absence of love is something you’ll never know of. I will make you so happy that, days will feel like....... sorry... what... oh? You’re not ready?...
Ntsika H Sep 2019
It’s what every guy does.
Faithfulness and loyalty are a thing of the past, just like chivalry.
Anyone who possesses those traits is vintage because our era does not love the way we’re supposed to.

In our own right, we’re all liars and karma usually does rounds, and it’s not too long till karma will read you your rights - you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used against you in the court of law - courtship was how it started.

You see, I had a stable relationship with my dreams and things were getting pretty serious.

I was loyal to my dreams for as long as I could remember. I used to open doors for my dreams, make sure my dreams stayed fed and I even had to cut ties with people who didn’t have the vision or perspective to see further than where we were - I cut off the blind.

Till this day, some of them still wonder why. Stevie, Wonder.

I would live for my dreams because dying for my dreams actually wouldn’t make sense but I worked on my dreams like I was dying tomorrow and all I wanted was to live long enough to have loved the doubt of my dreams.

One cold day, my dreams were out on business. It was one of those days where I could work from home, but my dreams couldn’t. My dreams were away on business and the bed got cold.

I was never used to sleeping alone so I hit up an ex, or two. Insecurities never pass up the opportunity for a late night ******* and neither does doubt.

This is a twisted *******, because my dreams are now tangled in a love triangle - or a love square ... I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s reshaped my vision and now from working out everyday, one night turned it all around and now I’m out of shape, still moving but in a circle. I’ve been around, but not long enough for a pattern to form - I gave up.

Faithfulness and loyalty are rare and outdated and chivalry is a thing of the past, and one would be considered vintage for possessing those traits.

Much like me, I don’t possess those traits but I’m a traitor to my own society.

I believed in myself long enough for the sight of greatness to manifest but one unfaithful night made me regress and now I’m broke.

I spent all my ambition on land that isn’t fertile. I thought I was planting my greatness so it could grow but I was burying my greatness and I realized I had let it go.

We don’t Resuscitate dreams, we replace them. Well, I do.

I promise to have and to hold you, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

What ushered most into matrimony, tied me to the death of my dreams. Till death, do us part.
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