I realize that I don't belong

I can no longer find a light house
My bones ache from the salty air and my lungs fill with mist.
I have been floating for too long.
When you find my vessel, send word to my friends and family.
Tell everyone I'm sorry, but I never was a very good swimmer.
My eyes sting with either tears or rain I can't tell anymore.


All the lighthouses that shone so brightly for my ship yesterday have all burned out and shut there doors.
The docks erode away in the raging tempest around me snd I find myself laying on the deck.
I'm staring into the black abyss of the night.
Even the moon has left me.
I hear no waves tossing this boat around but I feel my stomach in knots as I thrash mercilessly in the storm.
I feel as though I've gone deaf.
I drag my hands across the wood grain of my chest, tearing the flesh from my finger tips.
I scream until my vocal chords twist around eachother and the only sounds I produce are wheezing gargles.

I've lost my rope to dock
I've lost my will to sail
I've lost my lighthouses
Ive lost the sea

I've written 15 poems in the past 3 days and I hated them all so much I had to force myself to post something, anything.

So here it is
Over the past week. I've realized a few things
1. I hate you
2. I hate myself
3. I miss you
4. I hate the fact that I'm Okay with you not being here.
5. I miss you

Everything in my head struggles to mimic any type of coherence and I'm left staring out the window wishing this house would catch on fire.

Here's some more stuff
1. Some people exist only to hurt you
2. Friends can be enemies too
3. You're a ******* narcissistic lier

Sometimes I wish your house would catch on fire and I'm left here staring out the window

I never imagined I'd ever love anyone quite like I love you.

You being a variable that is totally interchangeable from person to person because when you lose yourself other people look like lighthouses. It feels like it's when I approach the dock that the lights that called me to shore are just the moolights dance across the cracked glass.
Sometimes there are lights, and just as I throw the rope overboard, they vanish into the cool void. So here I am, sitting in the middle of this vast, mirror-black sea. I can scream all I want but my one voice is swallowed by the ocean's thousands.

Please let me dock.

Im tired

My sails are worn, the boards beneath my feet are fraying. Sometimes, a lighthouse leaves there signal burning long enough for me to warm the rain from my skin.  However, I am thrown back into the ways before long.

I never imagined I'd be so lost that every "help me" came out as "I love you".

And every suicide note becoming a poem.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH­HHHHHHHH

Sorry for saying ****.
I had no idea how bad it would hurt when I tore your name from my vocal chords. I had no idea that I would fall in love with the idea of falling in love. Maybe I'm just meant to be lonely. It's funny because my standards rise and fall but you seem to be a perfect match no matter where they are.

In not sure what that says about you

Ow, ****
There I go again. Sinking a ciggarettes fingers deep into my lungs to pull out the words "I love you". I think I over shot though. Instead of not saying it when I look at you, I can't say it when I see my reflection. I spend every waking moment trying not to think about it, so I guess I spend every moment thinking about it.

Well, ****
I'm tired.
I sleep.
I wake.
I sleep.
I haven't eaten a full meal in almost 2 weeks and my stomach shrinks at the thought of having ever contained the bile that pours from your mouth and into mine. Just the other I told myself I hated you, I didn't believe it but it was worth a try. I can't say when I'll ever stop associating your name with nicotine, but until then, here's to you tobacco industry for making me feel a little less alone.

The truth is I _ my friends.
.
.
.
I think something is wrong here let me try again

I love my friends.
There we go.
It just took a minute for me to realize I have those. I'm still not used to it.

I hope they understand that I love them regardless of their flaws, and they always have me. Even if they forget about me I'll still be here.

And here you are. You can't even answer my texts but I still find myself entranced by your call whenever you crying pierces the night.

I guess I _ you.
Wait.
I you.
.
.
.
Finally.

Curious little night owl, screeching at the moon. Who will ever understand your disdain for the daylighy? You spend your life sitting on the edges of clock towers, closer to the time that you watch tick away. Everything in your hands does for some reason and you can't stop yourself from tearing it apart. Honestly, I'm jealous. You soar in the cool, liquid darkness and let out your shriek. I hear it cut through the empty abyss like an arrow cuts the wind.

Curious little night owl look upon me. Turn your eyes to someone as vast as the night. Hold me gently in your hands until I sleep, then tear your beak into my chest, removing every tumor this life has caused. Deliver me not into death, but back into this life. I wish to not be in this skin anymore. I wish to not question my worth against everyone I meet.

Curious little night owl, I see you pearing into my soul. Why do I feel as fragile as moonlight as soon as the sun rises? Why can I not soar weightless like you? Why do my feathers hurt when I laugh? Why is it, when I reach my hand into the tangible blackness I can only feel my own heart beat, or is that my heart beat?

Curious little night owl, know that I've prayed to lesser things. None as beautiful or as patient as you. I don't care that your would pluck your own feathers. I dont care that you break during the day. You make me believe in my individuality.

So I ask myself

Who are you?