I shall not seek forgiveness
For sipping the forbidden wine
I shall confess for my sin
But my veins are drunk of her lips
Sober I'm not to crave more
Sober I am to chalk her eyes into a memory
Pour no more
A sip will never quench my thirst.

The perfume smell
I'm drawn
Each one
And each smell
Each smile
And each slim finger
I'm drawn to them
Each one with a kingdom
Each one is a queen
Each one with a story
Each one is a beautiful soul
I beat for them
Soberness is painful
To be awake
To think
They are my drug
Until I'm numb
I reach the sky
Then I fall for one's wings to fly
They are an inspiration
They are a memory
They are a lesson
They are a pleasure

She was sitting in the darkness
Living inside her head
Burying each memory of pain with a puff
And here she is again in the sharpest sun
Rolling another one
Careless she wants to be
Quietly building a metal wall with no sound to be heard
Only the sound of her thoughts flying away
Not trying to catch them she sits silently
Draining each emotion without shedding a tear
Like her black heavy bag she is zippering herself
That's her only self-governing gateway
She leaves me questioning
If she feels life or if she is pretending not to be
If she feels her metal wall bleeding into pieces
Or if she's day dreaming about nothing but callousness

She can't sleeps at night
Failed to fight the attempt to dive in her thoughts
Listening to each one carefully
Examining each feeling that cross her head
She's little for such a mind
I bet one day she will write, write all her mess
All the madness that she couldn't say out loud
Word by word until its four hundred and ninty six pages
"May I take a dip?" I once asked. "I want to swim inside the head of yours."
She replied with silence then she said "No, you will burn your skin i'ts fire there."
But without asking she was inside of me filling herself with bruises.
"Do not escape me." I said.
"But I can't breathe toxic." she said.
"I'm Insane" I said.

Each day we wake up looking for goals that we foggily see, walking through our days carrying our mission of the day with us. We may seek wisdom of the day. We may seek love and shelter. We may seek loneliness and our shadows. Either we knock on locked doors until we are sore and bleeding. Or either we jump of the edge off a mountain. We never give up. Sometimes we never give up on hopelessness. Sometimes we taste our breath trying to search for a meaning in this life. We miss our chances looking at the wrong direction.. And then we miss our lives regretting the lost chances. We live our days experiencing emotions that we rather ignore or control or perhaps we claim that emotions control us. We fail to realize that there are no good or bad emotions they are only fear and love as we fail to realize that there is no reality. Each of us create their own reality with a journal of memories that shapes the path of his daily life. We deny nothing at all for one moment in each day. Our moments differ but they are the same. Before we close our eyes to rest. We realize how heavy is our head. We choose to shut it down by various kind of ways. For us to wake up tomorrow and live again.

I followed the sickness of her mind
I followed the hopelessness in her faith
I followed her to the darkest place
I followed her into a sharp glass
I bleeded her empty dreams
I cried her noxious tears
She took me down
Buried me under her skin
Who am I?
Blinded by a feeling deep inside
Blinded by the need of perfection
Where am I?
I hear no rational words
I see no light at all
Inhaling each question to my brain
I grew danger to my soul
She painted my mind with rage
She was the ugly answer
She was my hopeless years
I'm an axe cutting all the darkness
I'm out to drift away

Since the moment that I let you out
I lost myself
I'm flying up high not letting my feet touch the ground
I'm scared of listening to my thoughts
I'm scared to admit that my life is pale now
That I taste happiness in every corner
But I still crave your bittersweet poison
That I've been searching for loudness
So I won't hear the beats of my heart
I see you in every angle
You won by owning me
And until now I cant be free
I wish I could call you right now
I wish I could lay next to you and inhale your smell
But I know the consequences
I know that with you every joyful moment means an endless night of tears
I know that you priced happiness and you can't afford a smile..

Where have you been all of those years?
I've waited and waited..
Never lost hope..
Just lost you
Where have you been?
A smile won't do
A greeting won't cheer
Until I hear the story of you
Where did life take you?
Are you still lost my friend?
Are you still the same?
Cuz my friend I've lost it all
I'm new like a blank paper..
I miss our long nights
I miss our deep thoughts
I remember each word
I remember each day
Do u remember?

I met a stranger tonight
She was wearing a hat
She looked at me and asked
If she could take the bracelet on my wrist
She told me it will look prettier on her wrist
I agreed
Then she gave me a bracelet of hers
To remember her she said
She asked if she could kiss my hand
An hour later she was lying on a couch
She told me she took three pills and smoked four joints
I asked her if she's escaping life
I heard silence and saw wide open eyes
I know nothing but her name
Her name was like mine
The Indian definition of soul
And the Hebrew meaning of a female ruler
She closed her eyes
A black eyeliner painted wings on her lids
I smiled.
She felt it and opened her eyes
I smiled again.
Her tired lips stretched to a lazy smile
She said I'm weird and I act like her
I told her we should be friends
She asked if I'm escaping life too
Yes that's what I do
She closed her eyes to dream of an empty life
And I went to bed to write the night

She was a girl In an island of sins
She had a pet that comes every month
It was white and bright and it only comes at night
In the top of the mountain
At the sunset she sits and wait
Looking at the sky blue full of stars
And here it is here it is her pet
The full moon
Where have you been my beloved pet?
I've waited nights for you
I brought you sweet white sugar just like the color's of you
Hope a bird wakes up and fly it up to you
It took you a month to came out from the black sparkling curtain
Are you scared?
Do you fear the stars my shining pet?
You see, I never touched one
But I always feel them like they're in my hand
Glowing and warm
They Give you a feeling that everything will be alright
They never fall from the sky
They are always there when you want a wish
Harmless they will forever be
My pet, don't hide behind the curtain
There's nothing to be scared of
Nothing but glowing stars

Oh lord all I want is for you to take my soul up high
Release me..
Bury me under the ground
Let me smell the mud
I see no use of this life
I see no purpose of it all
I choose to ignore the minute
I choose to leave the past
I choose to grow younger
I choose to be blind
But then I remember
But then I realize
The mental illness that I'm surrounded by
I deserve to be punished
I deserve to sin
I deserve to **** my soul with every sickness that I have done
They said that each day is a lesson to be told
They said that the older I become the wiser I will be
But my wisdom is fading and I'm disgusted of my own being..
Take my soul up high..
I demand death..
Let flowers grow on my grave..
Let that sinful body shrink underground..
Let that lost soul bloom forever..

Shall I write again?
or just dance with my cactus friend?
I'm far away of being lost..
I'm just following the rhythm of Piano Man
Oh La La Di Dee Da Dum
trying to put some sense in my words
trying to sing a song that rhyme
but I'm far away of being lost..
and I got no ***** to burn my throat
and I got no cigarette to burn my lungs
and I got no love to burn my logic
and I got no hope to fill that little beating ***** inside of me
Catching the train of life with the melody of old songs
Catching the train of life with open curtains
But I'm still locked inside the head of mine
and I got no escape  
Only if I could swallow the freedom of my own mind
Only if I could dust away the blurry vision of mine
Only if I could touch the smile deep inside
I will be away to feel again

I'm tired of writing the cheesy words I used to write..
I'm tired of listening to all of their crap..
I'm tired of not reading my own mind..
I feel like a balloon flying up high screaming to fall..
I just don't want to think anymore..
I believe that every truth comes from a lie..
I believe that I'm a lost soul in a pointless life..
Im nothing but careless bones smiling with no whys..
No questions to add just a soul sailing between clouds..

The vinegar breathe of a cigarette
Exhaling the ache of her mind
She needs a miracle she said
For her to pass this phase
For her to get her freedom back
She lost it all
Yes she did
I listen to her and my mind is fading
Through our reckless years
Does she remember how childish we were?
Does she remember how we sit and talk
I still remember the day at the rooftop
When we planned our future for us to be great
We are still young my friend
You still have hope
One day this will all be gone
One day you live the moment and smile
How your youth was a waste of time
For it to be a memory to smirk your soul

Forgive me for not falling in love once
Forgive me for not keeping a promise
Forgive me for using you for my own defense
Forgive me for selling you to my own pleasure
Forgive me for all the broken hearts
Forgive me for my manipulation
Forgive me for pricing you
Forgive me my words
Forgive me my letters
I fear joy when it to the extreme
I fear wings when they flutter
I fear the lose of control
I fear the fade of desire
You are the slave of my mind
And I'm a slave of yours

I'm a sailor in the ocean of dreams wishing for mine to be true
in the middle of no where but waves of sorrow
I threw my anchor to the endless road below but it failed to catch the ground
my boat shattered the waves froze in a moment of hopelessness a bleeding heart for faith I met the cure of it all
The mermaid of the ocean the savior of the anchor and the love of my life
She told me that the ocean is cursed and I can wish for anything but her
I told her I will ink her own my soul an anchor like the one she saved because my love for her is deeper than the ground of waves
it's never enough for me to love her it's only enough when I'm drowned and locked like a shell of pearl
She screamed of sadness
Sail away sailor sail away it's not meant to be
The ocean will turn to red and a nightmare will be awake

Hey life.
I've been missed up
Hey life
Society ****** me up
Hey life
What are the norms?
Hey people
Where are your standards years ago?
Hey people
You are not holy angels
Shut the **** up
Hey religion
Stop mixing up with the tradition
Hey self
Stand on your own
Hey self
Seek what you desire
Hey self
I'm sorry I killed you so many times
Hey I'm born again
Hey I'm born again
Hey I'm born again
I died to live
I died to see
I'm relic

I'm the mixture of wind and acid rain
killing each memory left behind
Breath me in, burn your lungs
I **** your soul, I take you out
Hand rapped on your neck
Choking the fire out
Burn. Burn. Burn.  
Shrinking every beat of your heart
Lips on lips
Tasting the poison of death
Feeling the fear in your breathe
Less than a minute
Your death is near
I'm your Anubis
Your soul is out
I'm your Ammit
I swallowed your heart

Twenty one years have passed and I still can't figure it out
I used to wake up with a fresh smile to understand the world that I'm living
But I ended up waking up with the smell of death
I failed you my young soul to understand the world
I failed to be there
I failed to be what I should be
I failed to know
But what scares me the most is that I no longer care to know.. I no longer seek answers..
I smell of death
I smell of death
I ache.
I ache.
To die.
Sun down
I can't figure it out
I ache every night to burn the skin
I close my eyes to feel it
I see blood I smell guilt
I crave death I crave pain
I wake up with scars and messed up thoughts
And then I'm empty
And then I'm numb
And then I'm dry
I breathe dust
I taste dirt
I'm restless
I'm aimless
Thirsty to suffer

I had a dream last night I was feeling everything again, I was craving more, I was tasting joy but once I'm awake it was all gone.. Back to the blurry reality of mine

At the rooftop whispering
I listened to her
Sharing nothing but the cold breeze of the wind around her
Stood calmly looking at the streets down below
A little I knew about her, a thing or two
To dig more was my purpose
Dive deep in her restful thoughts
And read more than I should
Like an unsolved puzzle trying to solve pieces together
But she failed to answer all the questions inside her little head
Young but burned with scars that she will carry for the rest of her life
Then I realized restful wasn't the word
She created her own word that I failed to describe
A word with the definition of juvenileness and complex

From Brighton to Victoria Station
The full moon was chasing me
I saw my reflection on the window
It was dark and unclear
September was so near
To show me how fast days can be
The train scratching and the foreign laughs
were all I hear
God knows I'm empty
God knows I Enjoy my emptiness
Farewell the pace of my thoughts
I could never catch you

And I left her
I left her
A mother of three
A daughter of a survivor
A youngest without a mom
I left her
Saying goodbye for four times yearly
Nothing to say
Not even with eyes
A shallow conversation with the mouth
A strong forbidden vibe
A sin that my brain desires
A dream that will never happen

She and I
We have weird desires
I like to choke
She likes to bite
I like to bleed
She likes to hit
I crave pain
She seeks my freedom
I'm lost
She's there
To a journey full of sick adventures
I ask for death
She serve it in a golden plate
We do no good for each other
But we ended together

I replaced you with your rituals

I met you twice.
Once in reality, once in my dreams. Your skin tasted like the smell of the humid air after the rain, merging both lives into one the noir dreams and the reality of nirvana.
Hallucinating each brain cell into this delusional taste of your soul that despairs me of processing what my pupils can see.
The incantation your fingers played is like a loud instrument awakening my hypnagogic illusions.
As we fall, in between you stand precaution to plunge into the eroticism of your soul and governed by your cerebrum.

What do you expect?
What did I get?
Nothing but empty dreams.
I blame it on fate. She did no mistake nor did I
For falling into a sin like this.
What will be next?
Sadly I know the answer.
She will get married to another.
And I will do the same.
Pretend. pretend and pretend
That’s it is normal and it is okay
But eventually its not.
Eventually its not.
We resisted.
We ignored.
Before we fall we had boundaries.
But lets blame it on the desire
Its stronger.
Stronger than saints.
I miss her now because I cant have her tomorrow
I will miss her tomorrow because she wont be mine
Even though..
In her heart im always hers and shes always mine.
A tear wont stop falling when this thought cross my mind
My soul shrinks. Desperate it is.
Desperate it will be.

I will tell you my deepest secret
I will laugh at your silliest joke
I will be shy like you are my first
I will ******* like you are my one
I will give you my favorite book
I will listen to your favorite song
I will write for you
I will describe each part of you
I will remember each detail
I will call you every night
I will text you every hour
But then I will say it out loud
Im ****** and twisted
I twist each story
I victimize myself
Like I didn't **** with you
Like I didn't tell you lies
Like I didn't do any mistakes but being honest
But Im done manipulating
Even though I know I will **** it up again
And i will say but I was honest.

If beauty was a sin you're the devil..
With a soul of an angel..
Pure like a pearl deep down the ocean..
Pretty like a yellow Lilly in the middle of July..
You are the November breeze..
You are the August heat..
So easy to feel but so hard to hold..
You grow on my soul like a hidden plant..
And whenever you are going to bloom..
My heart is going to explode like the blossom of hydrangea in May..

Too logic to be art
Too serious to be young
Too strange to oneself
All messed up
All messed up
Careless but still cares
Heartless full of guilt
Ruining what I cant fix
Far away from the soul within
Far away from the old shape of mind
Turning to an ordinary book left behind
This is how it is now..

The taste of bitterness through the veins of lust
I've been there once, inhaled the mixture of her breath and her perfume like sniffing a sugar coated chemical
My brain is shut as I let the flavor of her fingers kicks
her skin melted and I craved more
To the journey of her lips
Awaking my sleeping desire to hunt her soul
To ask a question of wonder
Why it's hidden underneath an addictive skin
And then I wonder if her soul is a smell
Or if its that bitter taste of lust
Shall I dive underneath the skin of hers
To learn new letters and words

She heard a man saying to be a human is to feel
To reach extremes of emotions is to live
She shed a tear
Her lungs are knocking to breath
It's toxic deep inside
She's choked
She's only messy thoughts
She's shaking a leg
Breath, I know you, you are anxious hiding inside a smile
She's choked
She can't be awake
She can't be sober
She's choking
Until she sallow a pill
two
three
Until she stops craving death

I wake up every morning bored to death
Wandering if it will last
Wandering if you have something to talk about other than that
And I wander if you are unhappy by choice not a chance
What is it all about, is it an act to protect you from life? Is it a phase?
I don't know if this is you or you are hiding inside
Did i fail to teach you how to live?
Didn't I tell you that reality is just a dream?
Didn't I tell you if you stop dreaming you will lose hope?
And with no hope babe,, you will be blue..
until the dream of reality wakes you up to death

We lay on my bed
We kiss
I only hear her breath
I wrote poetry on her skin
We talk
About shows and books
About life and love
I called her the comfortable pillow
I called her the after rain smell
I got lost inside my mind and walked away
And now
I miss our two months of infatuation

I lost it all
A shinning light in the box of thoughts was too bright
I couldnt see a sign, lost in the dusty clouds
Regret is a feeling i thought i will never feel
But it was the brighter thought in the box
Oh life i was fooled like everyone else
Oh life you stole all my beloved ones..

i see your soul i swear i see it.

give me some of your desire..

let me **** your mind. play with your head.

I’m ******.

you are messing with my thoughts.

let me hear you screaming. scar my back.

moan more.

i’ll **** harder.

Bite my neck.

pull my hair.

beg me to stop.

and i’ll **** you dry.

until you are barely breathing.

you can’t resist what you desire babe.

I’m going crazy.

come out of your cage.

show me what’s hidden underneath your hypnotic pupils.

I'm running away until it catches me
The mental germs of denial that I needed to face
A memory that I can't hold onto anymore
My trash is full tonight and yet I threw nothing
The smell of germs reminds me of sorrow
I left to feel a muscle on my face smiling
I left and I never shed a tear
But tonight I'm letting it fade
A time-lapse of each beat I felt
I feel it again and then its gone forever
I know I know that I'm turning into someone new
I know that I fear myself when Im alone
But now Im laying down remembering it all for it to be gone
Farewell the toxic fairytale
We shall never meet again

Can you please wake up and tell me, how does it feel to be dead?
Ears ringing
Voices drifting
Lungs choking
Fingers tingling
Images fading
Shocked eyes.
Tell me more about death
Where souls merge into each other
Where you feel purely without senses
Are you alive and we are dead?
We need to awake our senses to feel alive
But you don't
You are just a light weighted soul
Without the stress of the mind
You are too alive to wrinkle
You are too alive to think
You are too alive to sense
You are a soul
I'm rushing to join you
One day it will happen
One day we will merge
To the mystery of the other world

Face on a pillow
Mind diving into the deepest ground
Unable not to live the moment
Where a storm of questions and a dark hole of clues are given
Lights blurring the vision of mine
Illuminating my fear of fading to a desire
Unconsciously releasing it all
Senseless that one can never be sure of himself.

***** smell in the hallways
The midnight light sinking in
Wheels of a chair rolling
Tired body unable to weep
Metal cuff on a tiny leg
The loud sound of screaming
Trunk of a jeep closing
Tired lungs unable to breath
Warm shoulder on the bed
The sugar coated lies
A heart feeling safe
Tired head of all of this
Dark shadows of clouds
The shinny pet is abandoned
Reality is awakening
Hungry for an anesthesia

Let it rain red
Let it rain red
It's empty to be filled with noise
It's empty but i'm hardly admitting it
It's empty and it cannot be replaced
It's empty like a numb hole of pain
It's just empty for me to be lighter
It's empty so I could reach the sky
It's empty for a lesson to be learned
It's empty it's ******* empty
Let it rain red
Let it rain red
To melt my skin
To tear it apart
Knees on the floor
Begging for it to rain
Once it's here once it's gone
It's empty
Let it rain to awake me
I can't get out of this dream
Like an elastic transparent wall
Oh i've missed a lot and I will miss more
It's too late to tell the stories that I wanted to tell
It's too late to solve the reasons of the puzzle
It's too late to realize that i've been needing it
I am the healer I am the cure but once it's here noise fill it, sadistic noise of laughs
It's empty.

Give me a clue why..
but oh I hate questioning faith..
I feel a mess inside my veins
I feel a rush in my heart
I'm love sick and it seems that I won't get cured anytime soon
Her lips is a drug that kills every breath of mine
Oh and It tickles my bones how magnetizing they can be
My brain flied away when I looked her in the eye
I want to let it go but it keeps dragging me inside
I keep craving more and I won't get enough because she fillfulls every need of mine
When we are together its like we are in our own paradise.
Yeah like a fairytale when you complete an i

There's a girl that I will never stop loving
She's my past and my future
I  believe that she's an unrealistic dream
I believe that she's my destiny
I earsed all the pages in my book to have clear white ones for her only
An ink won't describe
a soul won't breath
a clock won't tick
when her eyes meet mine
I die I die and I die
when I continuesly kiss the warmth of her lips
I swear that this is beyond description
poor words and letters when it comes to describe  her
She's my endless desire and obsession

I write to you when im high
Because I can be myself
You don't live in my brain
You are far behind
You are that voice that has no sound
I only hear you when I'm ******
And now I'm not making any sense
You are the senses
The forgotten senses
I hear you. I smell you. I kiss you
You exist.  
I write to you letters in my head
About how we met last month
About rooftops and winter nights
About you and I
You are a reality and yet you are the day dream
I fairytale wants to be
You are the chapter of a missing book
Dont go where you belong child
Stay where you are
Let our lips meet again
You took me far away
I found perfection
I found it and I kissed it's lips

Look at me full of youth's spirit
Running around trees
Comfortable to sleep anywhere but my nest
You hear my voice through your ears
Loud and swallowed by energy
But once there's no light
Once I'm laying down
I can't barely move my tongue
Fear of my solitude
I lost myself
Today I did
I'm mentally ill
And these pills got no use
But to cheer the hell of me up
And numb all of what I get left
Why it is an illness to seek death
Why its a must to live and pretend
Why I can't face you my young soul
Why I can't admit that I'm mentally ill
Oh boy it is self pity again
Writing itself through my words
A pill or two to fix it said my shrink
I'm comfortable by the madness of my thoughts
Only if the salty water stopped harming my skin
Only if the bruises turned to stories

Laying down
Dark navy blanket
Music playing into our ears
Star gazing
At the sparkling sky above
Many stars hide behind their curtains
Sleeping I suppose
Looking at three of them
Hardly shown behind the artificial light
I told her to name them
She replied we can't own them
But as our conversation went
We called them Stars' Rights

An open book with empty pages
Read between the lines, will you?
Find the missing pieces under your skin
Fragment sentences
Collect each one and read the piece I wrote
Scared with the world that hides in your eyes
Read it once again through my lips
Let the poetic poison drug your body
For me to be under your skin