(not a poem)
I don't think some people fully comprehend how bad Anxiety can be. Just saying or doing the simplest, stupidest thing could trigger it. And it only takes a second. You can tell me about how great my outfit looks and SNAP, it's there. He can start an argument with me and then apologies right away, but SNAP. It'll be there right away. And it truly *****... You feel like crying, you start shaking, it feels like your lungs are collapsing, you feel faint and nauseous and your heart feels hollow, you can't see anymore - everything is pitch-black even in broad daylight - and you clam up.

Can I just have my own thoughts for a change?
      Hahaha! But I am a part of you!
      You don't have your own thoughts.
      Don't you get that yet?
I am my own person.
      No. You are not.
Yes. I am.
       Never. You belong to me. I belong
       to you. We are one.
I am not my thoughts.
        Maybe, but I can sure as hell
        control you.

He makes me feel pretty
And wanted
And loved
And cared for.
He is all I've never needed
All I'll ever need
All I've ever wanted
And all I'll ever want.
And I love him
I love him I love him I love him.

(When you read this: Hi :). You are truly appreciated <3 )

I'll always love you
In some part of my heart
You'll always have a place
I'll keep it secret
Keep it hidden
But I'll always love you
You'll always have a place

All these spectacles and still you made a spectacle of yourself.
All these binoculars and still, she wasn't the only one you saw.
All these calendars and you still didn't have time to come out and visit.
All these clocks and you still couldn't give her the time of day.
All these hair straighteners and still you couldn't straighten yourself out.
All these hearts and you still couldn't give her yours.
All these obstacles and still you couldn't get over them.
All these calculators and you still can't figure your problems out.
All these directions and you still can't find your way back home.
All these weights and still you couldn't pick your life up.
All these cleaning supplies and you still couldn't clean up your act.
All this soap and your attitude still stank.
All these gates and still you won't make it to heaven.
All these condoms and you still ****** up.
All these vows and you still went against your word.
All these games and yet you still played her the most.
All these pencils and yet you still wrote us off.
All these exchange rates and yet you still couldn't come through in September 2006 or August 2014.
All this money and you still won't contribute to my future.
All these birthday cards and still you couldn't wish me.
All these funeral and get well soon cards and still you couldn't say goodbye to Nonna.
All these apples but still, we weren't the apple of your eye.
All these sunglasses and still you were too blind to see what you lost.

There is something eerily comforting
About being
Stuck in my own mind.

There is something dauntingly
Familiar
About why I am
Stuck in my own mind.

There is something beautifully ironic
About myself that I
Fail to express;
I am a content girl spreading
Giddiness among others,
But,
I have a dark mind.

Thoughts purged by the
Darkness.
And, a heart that is
Light.

No.
My mind is not always full of
Darkness.
Stars linger in the dark of
Night,
And stars linger in the
Crevices of my mind.

There is no finality in
Darkness.
The stars; my heart -
They have proven this.

Is it okay to run and hide?
Or is that a form of cowardice?
Is it okay to want to escape my own body?
Or is that self-denial?
Is it okay to hate blood?
Or is that unforgiving?
Is it okay to hate crying?
Or is that absurd?
Is it okay to want to pick up that shiny piece of metal?
Or is that cruelty?
Is it okay to want to see yourself bleed?
Or is that preposterous?
Is it okay to want to leave my body behind?
Is it okay to want to leave everything behind?
Is it okay to hate the life you've been given?
Is it okay to hate the fact that your life is no longer bearable?
Or should I just continue to live?
Despite the fact that my heart is breaking
Despite the fact that I'm not the only one doing it
Despite the fact that my own blood -
My own mother is breaking it as well
And despite the fact that I've never been truly happy...
Is it okay to just want to leave?
Or is that suicide?
Is that a crime that God will judge me for?
Or will God be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My Child, you are safe now."
Is it okay to be an ambivert?
Or is that stupidity?
Is it okay to hate your body?
Or is that a lack of self-esteem?
Is it okay to want to hide yourself from the rest of the world?
Or is that selfishness?
Is it okay to want to cry and cry until there are no tears left
While not wanting to shed a single tear more?
Or is that too paradoxical?
Is it okay to want to smash your own skull against a brick wall?
Or is that too aggressive?
Is it okay to want to commit these crimes?
Or will God judge me for that?
Or will He be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My child, you are safe now."