I push people away.
That's what I do.
When I need them most,
When I want them most.
And now I need you,
now I want you.
But you're                            gone,
And I made sure of that.

She's like a star with bad breath
Leading you to feel like she may cause death
Evil and pure that's for sure
She likes to feel like a ***** 
That knows how to love and to bite
And then you think that she is right
Outside a diamond inside is rotten 
From her innocent childhood completely forgotten 
No matter how much you will polish 
Still she will completely demolish
But still, you have done her bad
For you don't care, that's sad
Wile you're lying there thinking in your bed
She's still out there spitting her filth
And you are left with all the guilt 
Breath with a smell that doesn't stop
Which will haunt you until you rot....

What would happen if when you came home.
I was sprawled on the floor.
With a bottle of pills in my stomach.
or
With a rope tightened around my throat.
or perhaps
Wrists cut deep,
Thick red all over your nice clean floor.
Because that would be your biggest concern.
Your freshly cleaned floor

**I hope it stains.

angry is an easy emotion
it's easy to feel
easy to describe
easy to tame.
aggravation is an easy emotion
easy to feel
easy to describe
easy to tame.
annoyance is an easy emotion
easy to feel
easy to describe
easy to tame.
it's sadness that's the hardest
it's not easy to feel
when bed seems like the only place you're accepted
or when the simple task of breathing is daunting
how could that be easy?
it's not easy to describe
how do you tell someone you're dying inside
when you've been laughing all day?
how do you tell someone the sobs that attack your body
during the darkness & silence of the night?
how could it be easy to describe?
it's not easy to tame
how do you overcome the yearning for sleep? for death?
how do you overcome the blanket of numb that threatens everything
whether it be your movements or your process of thought?
how do you overcome something with so much influence?
how could it be easy to overcome?

I love the ways you look at me
and I've still got eyes to see
but know that when you try to hold me
I'm only a shadow of what use to be

I'm grateful that you see a man
when you watch me standing across a room
but know that when you reach to take my hand
that I'm just a shell where a soul's entombed

I'm not a living, breathing body
with a heart heaving rich, red blood
I'm not person, not a timeline, I'm just a coat worn shoddy
not able to offer you warmth in the rising flood

I want so much to never read
the last page in our story
to never fear the words unsaid
or to wear the crown without it's glory

but the price of days I walked as king without sorrow
was agreed upon before I knew you
the cost of the kingdom then, was my every tomorrow
and my smile painted on this carcass shows that truth

I borrowed time I can never repay
I convinced myself I stole what could only be given
I thought that I could charm luck to stay
but in the end my palace built, proved only a prison

gold won't stop a hungry stomach aching
dollar bills can't buy a promise kept
diamonds will never keep the dam from breaking
after all your tears for my absence have been wept

I'm not a man, not a person, not a creature whole
I lived those days, I held those true riches
now I can only pay that journey's toll
in bearing the weight of the living's bridges

I died somewhere in a battle I lost
but my ghost just went on fighting
I never felt my spirit cross
until I saw myself bleed the ink my story was writing

all I have to offer now is a smile when you look
all I can be is a mannequin frozen
a scrapbook page of what the teachers took
just an effigy, just a map of paths once chosen

I love the ways you look at me
and I fear the day you see straight through
the shadow that looks like the man you could love
because a shadow can never reach arms out to hold you

If you want to destroy me then tell
Me you love me by making me fall for you at 230am. If you want to know ******* me tell me everything I want to here about how I make your life complete and how the stars are more beautiful when we look at them together. Tell me that falling in love with me was the greatest thing your heart has ever felt other then beating 30 beats per mintine. Which in fact I have counted from those sleepless nights. Tell me that you are completely lost without my touch and without me around you don't know what to do with yourself. I never felt wanted but I let anyone in that can tell me the sweetest words. Not that my heart can't be put back together no it has gone and ran away from my body and I can't seem to
Find it. It doesn't want to hurt like he made it. My heart can't handle those nights worried sick worthless moments you made it feel. I can't keep cutting away at the thought of that 4 letter word anymore. I never thought that being in love could take so much hurt from you and only use up so little of the good. Isn't that kinda pathetic letting someone destroy you from outside in and only thinking that that's what you deserve? That all I could ever have is a man treat me like **** and don't think that I deserve any better? That the thought of being happy actually sickens me? I keep saying its not my fault that I'm ******* and that I can't give a single person a straight answer but it is my fault. It's my fault for letting countess people use me and rip me piece by piece that I don't think there anymore feeling anyone can take from me. It's my fault I let some boy take a year and a half of my life and make me feel thing that I never understood and just leave me out in the cold for a cheap one night stand. Would it be stupid if I was sorry? Sorry that I'm not enough to be as strong as people think I am? That I can be alright if I'm not alone. That I can fake that I am aright? I try to be happy with the fact that I made it out okay that I'm not in that anymore and I can move on with life but it's not that simple. It's not simple to forget everything in a snap and it's not okay to be alright during the day but when night comes all you think is tearing up and not waking up. Maybe it's better that way maybe. Hiding it all. Im still here right? haven't completely broke yet.