I sit looking at the evidence
The evidence of your rejection
The rejection that I feel strongly
That you repeatedly inject in me
While pretending everything's normal

I told you you'd hurt me
You didn't see how you could
But now it's indeed happening
Much to your obliviousness
And you don't seem to care
Because to you, effort is a myth

I told you there'd be a change
I see it clearly, I feel it strongly
Now that my eyes have been opened
And my heart deeply cracked open
By the strong feelings you said you held

With you there's no consistency
It's a sharp fluctuation
From the scalding heat
To the freezing cold
From the strongest of holds
To the scariness of the free falls
From the deep focused attention
To the profound callousness

You ignite the mixture of emotions
That gives rise to the confusion
Cutting deeper each day
Making the toxicity come alive
With no way to get back to health
Because the torch has already been lit

I saw you last night
You weren't really there
But I saw you there
You've refused to leave my mind
Choosing to stay
Without knowing you are

Because of you
My good memory is my best enemy
It dredges up everything
In minute detail
Bringing the excruciating truth
Of the always brewing feelings

The need to feel is strong
My blessing now becomes a curse
As with every memory I feel
Reliving the details to a tee
Breeding more wanting
Regardless of my wisdom

I gave you the lead
Deferred to your self control
But in the presence of the danger
You run towards it
You keep poking the bear
As you enjoy the thrill of it all
Because all that matters is the moment

And for you
Leaving the moment
Leaves the moment behind
And on to busy things you go
Leaving the memories behind
Living your best life
Oblivious of the chaos you leave behind

I can't stop thinking about you
I know you said it's not wise
But the heart does not know wisdom
And the body wants what it wants
I know these are dangerous desires
But the illicit is way more attractive
And the thrilling feelings unmatched

I know the push and pull is strong
But I have faith in your conviction
And I believe in your self control
So go ahead and take the lead
Because I believe in your skills
And I know if I lead
We'll go where it isn't wise to be
And lose everything in the process

I miss the days I was alone
Because then I could cry
And I wouldn't be afraid to be judged
I could stay silent as long as I wanted
And wouldn't have to account for it

Then I could freely feel everything
Without having to hide the feelings
Then I didn't have to have myself together
All I needed was to be myself

Then I was allowed to be broken
Without having to explain what's broken
Then I could break down
And it would be okay without witnesses
Because I knew I would get back up
I knew I needed to feel so I could deal

But how can I do it now?
How can you be you when you can't break?
When your state of mind is on public display?
How can you explain the unexplainable?
Why do you have to?
I need to be alone again

The more I get to know you
The more I lose interest
I am surprised that I like that
Because I didn't expect any of this

I thought I'd be yoked
To the feeling that is you
But I'm loving the gradual release
The slowly letting go of you

I'm looking forward to freedom
The 'No longer' feeling
The lack of impulsive response
The lack of the longing
The absence of the 'lighting up'
The travel back home
That is the place I was before you

I know I complained about you
I know I wanted you here
But I'm happy you said No
I'm happy you're no longer here
I'm enjoying the independence
Of making decisions alone

I'm loving your absence
Looking back at it now
At who your really are
Remembering your personality
That which I was blinded to

I thought you were protective
But you were really controlling
I thought you were loving
But you were really selfish
I thought you cared
But it was only about you

Surprising how you can see clearly
When you take off the rosy glasses
How you can reason rationally
When you get that reality check
How you can be responsible
When you learn that you're alone

There used to be a time
When all I wanted was you
When the idea of a future
Was only possible with you
When you were all that I ever dreamed of
When I could see all I'd need in you

Now that I look back
I was overeager and inexperienced
All I saw in you was an illusion
I only saw what I wanted you to be
Sadly, that's no longer wanted here

Now that I've seen what you became
I'm glad I never got the chance to decide
I'm happy you chose another
I'm happy that I never had a chance
Because I'd have made the wrong choice

Sometimes you have to face your fears
Tell them that you are no longer afraid
Make hard decisions and be okay
With the possibility of failure
Because even if you fail
You can and you will
Rise again.

I said something to you about you
I said what I thought about you
I did, think the worst about you
I went to the extreme end
I wanted to be proven wrong
I wanted to know that you're not that
But you did the exact opposite
You proved me right
And broke my heart in the process

Stop asking if I'm fine
You know very well I'm not
You know precisely why I'm not fine
You know because you are the reason
You know I'm hurting and in pain
It makes you happy to know this
It makes you validated
On the effect you have on me

Stop telling me to have a lovely day
You know very well I won't
You are well aware of my mental state
You are aware of how my day will go
You know because you caused it
You know I'll think, be sad, be angry and cry
You are well schooled on who I am
You know my reaction to things like this

You know everything.
The pretence is not welcome.
Stop. Asking. Hoping. Wishing.
You want to absolve your guilt
To seem caring and concerned
I know you. You aren't any of these.
You are just guilty.
Not remorseful. Just guilty.

Dear America, I watch your movies
Not really yours,but ones your citizens make
I see so much, through the glasses they give us
The potential to grow there,the opportunities
The success others get there,the prosperity
The freedom you give people,to say just anything
The high standards that is the way of life
The wonderful life that's not so wonderful
And of course the vices,the pronounced vices

I want to visit America, to see the vices
I want to see the epidemics
The opioids that plague low income neighbourhoods
The teenage pregnancies,the many single moms
The runaway baby daddies owing child support
The anti vax campaigns causing more deaths
The racism,the police brutality that never ends
The gun violence,the schools that were shot at
The corruption that impedes crime reduction
Maybe see the jails that look so nice in movies

I want to visit America,to see the life
The hard work,the 80 hour weeks
The hard life,the two and three job workers
The posh life,the rich and famous entrepreneurs
The wanna be life,the glamourous famous celebs
The fake life,the not so famous influencers
The tough life,the expensive parenting options
The long school life,the lifetime student loan debt

I want to visit America,experience the government
The tough,manifesto or is party driven elections
The many legislative houses with all the power
The complicated levels of government
The many types and divisions of police
The thousands of investigative bodies
The powerful uniformed and  ununiformed forces
The well trained millitary and intelligence agencies
With others that don't work inside the country

I want to visit America,to see the law
To experience the precious 1787 constitution
To see the thousands of Acts of parliament
To see the high,or is it low,taxation rate
To see the ease,or is it difficulty,in doing business
To see the rights that y'all keep talking about
Maybe even get to say 'I know my rights' too
See the liberal,or is it conservative, court system
The just jury system, the courtroom theatrics
Maybe even get to sit and watch

I want to visit America, see the healthcare system
The huge well equiped hospitals,
The well oiled health insurance machine
See the doctors who spent a decade to be an MD
The many specialist professionals in healthcare
Maybe even get what y'all call a physical
The exuberant cost of getting treated
Maybe understand Medicare and Medicaid
The strong powers of the medical boards
Maybe even see the need for malpractice insurance

I want to visit America,see American products
Feel the prestige y'all place on labels
The one word labels that say it all
The extensive creative marketing culture
The brands  that don't need an explanation
Target. Mcdonalds. Macy's. Prada. Walmart.
The pricing that's always exclusive of tax

I want to feel American life
The good looking, desirable social amenities
The importance of zip codes and school districts
The restaurant,swipe right, smart devices culture
The borrowing, property ownership loan culture
The credit card,cashless freeing bill payment culture
The creditworthiness of good credit
The judgements on criminal record holders

I want to experience
The feeling your actors exude so well
Someday. Maybe.

You are so focused
On something else
On someone else
So far from your reach
So out of your control
Someone who's not looking
Or caring for you
Someone who's not aware
Or concerned for you
Something that you don't have
Something that is not available
To have or to touch

That you are missing
All that is close to you
All that is available, reachable, tangible
You are missing
The joy that comes from appreciating
The peace that comes with satisfaction
The comfort that comes with acknowledging
That you are loved, that you have love
That you are cherished, you are cared for
That you have something, you have them
Right under your nose
Where you made a non existent blindspot
That you may go chasing 'happiness'

I gave this my all
I gave you my all
I loved you all the way
I supported every one of your plans
I planned every one of them with you
I critiqued it all with love
And some, I did entirely
I loved, I cared, I trusted, I gave all
But you had to stick it in my face
You just had to betray my trust
You had to make a fool of me
You had to disrespect me this much

As tears trickle down my face
I feel lost
I feel dejected
I feel hurt
I feel devalued
I feel tossed off
As I cry myself out
I remember all those days I stood by you
I relive the time I was happy with you
I remember how high I thought of you

It hurts
That I thought you were different
That I thought you stood out
That I thought I was enough for you
That I thought you were happy with just me
That I thought you were the best thing that happened to me
That I gushed so much about you
To my friends you were the best
You were what everyone dreamed of
You were all we'd wished for
But alas, I was wrong
You are greedy
One isn't enough for you
My love wasn't enough for you
My attention wasn't enough for you
My concern wasn't enough for you
Nothing of mine was