You said I look at you different now,
Something in my eyes...
I don't think I do.
I don't feel strange
Or out of my norm.

I enjoyed you.
The long talks we shared,
The unexpected laughter we found there,
The pull.
The comfortable embraces that overtook us,
Into the middle of the night...

Though...
As days passed on,
And months grew.
I realized what you said was true.
And I had been looking at you.
Not just stopping there but,
I had been feeling too.

That isn't something that I do.
Feel...
Animated...come to life like.
Looking forward and looking new.
Growing out from myself.

But that is exactly what I was doing.
All while looking at you.
While you said I was amazing and inspiring.
You seemed to think as I did.
For those were thing I would describe in you.

So I have to wonder.
For how long has this been stirring in me.
And why do I just recognize it now?
And maybe...
Just maybe,
You have been looking at me too.....



*© NDHK

I wonder,
If this is all just a waste of time or a lesson in progress.
I can't quite decide how I want to interpret this situation yet.
It seems so fragile to me.
To my heart.
No one else but to me, does it matter.
Maybe that's the thing of it...
It's not suppose to matter to anyone else.
Are we all just destined to really travel this life alone?
In a sense.
Because that just breaks me a little to think we are.
Coming from a heart guarded person.
Doubt, vulnerability,
These things scare me.
But not enough to not try, to overcome them.
Standing tall and strong on an independent pedestal is fine.
It really is.
To enjoy life solo and free is a wonderful experience.
But then sometimes...
You want to share the journey with someone.
Laugh with someone, smile with someone.
Hold someone.
It's just not something we can plan for.
We can't map out exactly when and where and who we'll be drawn toward.
We can't expect the unexpected, when we're not expecting anything to begin with.
And isn't that the thing of it.
I never expected.
Dropped into something when I wasn't looking.
Tricked myself right on through a maze of emotion.
And now the plan, the way I was contently leading on
Has been affected by the unexpected.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Or not do.
See...fragile.
The snow globe that was my life has been shaken,
And all around me falls uncertainty of the heart.
I was fine with waiting until it happened naturally.
Not being alone anymore.
Finding someone who just...
Fits.
But I guess what I had been doing was expecting.
Expecting to not expect anything.
And now there's this place.
This situation that I can't really determine.
If it's a waste of time,
Or a blessing in progress.


*© NDHK

You know,
I knew before I walked down this path...that there were risks...
The risk of being let down,
The risk of confusing myself,
The risk of giving more than I'd get back,
The risk of falling so deep and so hard for you, that I'd for sure lose a little bit of common sense...
And even though I believe that the juice could be worth the squeeze...
I understand.
I get it, where you're coming from.
How you feel you need to be true to your decisions.
I've been there.
Compassion toward that isn't something you can learn,
But I'm glad to give it.
If it means it will help you in a way.
I'll give it.
And even though it seems like a wasted effort to most...
I'll still consider the squeeze.
Because you appeared like a hidden spider web on my path,
And sometimes...unforeseen things...are meant to be.


*© NDHK

Creating
that fallacious intimacy
wrapped
arm around arm
with a nameless
body.
It's easy to get
temporary satisfaction
from it.

Even though
you're chilled
and hollow inside.

The want
of not being lonely
can be too strong.
Keeping up
the exhausting task
of costant contact.
Never really
developing
a bond deeper
than physical sedation
can tire out.

It will ash away
as soon as you move
an inch
in that position
which is holding
unstably present.
Distance
would be the ruiner
of that
shallow fantasy.

But...
to be hundreds
of miles and moments
away from someone.
To be
alone and removed
from the one
who you have
a real, unrelenting
connection with.
To know
you are singular
in that very moment
but not unsupported.

Having them
somewhere you're not,
holding onto your
spiritual thread.
To achieve real
intimate foundation
in knowing the body
doesn't have to tie you
together.
That's an ember that,
when set to breathe,
engulfs you both.

Understanding
and feeling comfort
that when surrounded
by faces
and being unknown to them
is alright.
Since
that person
who lingers in your mind
Is a whisper
off your lips
and is there
in that place you
left them.

They've penetrated inside
that fortress of caution
and self-preservation and
they get you.
They are there,
hidden
and carried with you.
With their hands
cradling and cherishing
your heart
like the treasure
it is.

The enormous responsibility.

To be
the keeper of
warmth and familiarity
and home.
Even though
being separated
from one another
you are reminded of what
exists between you.

By
concentrating and honing
in on the weight
which lives
there.
That love
and loyalty
and equal respected commitment
to take care of what
the other is given.
The total
vulnerable
surrender of
yourself.

That is something
worth wanting.
That is something
to daydream for.
That...
is what we all
crave.


*© NDHK