seven months ago:
i. i will fall asleep and let it infect me like a virus and if i die before i wake up my obituary will explain to you how i felt tonight so i never have to
ii. it’s cosmic, i’m telling you. you’d miss me if i wasn’t here.
iii. it’s all quiet. i am here but no one can see me. they can feel me. it’s easy and unpleasant. i just exist, past their realms and in their blind spots.
iv. i want to go back in time and pick you instead
six months ago:
i. i have a lot of pent up resentment towards people i used to love that are successfully existing without me in their lives while i am struggling without them
ii. cant stand you. cant stand being away from you. thank you for calling me beautiful, even if you didnt mean it. i don't feel that anymore, but i did. even for a moment, it was there. we were there.
iii. of all the things you did to me, the worst was making me believe they were in my best interest.
iv. if i could sit in a puddle of nostalgia and let every memory with you hit me like a rain shower id probably contract pneumonia or something.
five months ago:
i. it’s comforting for me to know that you can miss someone and love them without wanting them in your life.
ii. ive spent too much time treating myself as if my love is not sacred, as if it can’t stop time and heal people and create magic. everyone i love is lucky to have me, whether they know it or not.
iii. i’ve always had vivid dreams but last night made me feel something very weird and unexpected.
iv. it’s exhausting falling in love with and getting your heart broken by every soul you meet but i am strong
four months ago:
i. i surround myself with nice and beautiful people and in turn feel disgusting and destructive and ******.
ii. i know people can see me but i feel entirely translucent and invisible
iii. i can’t wait to be 18 so i can check myself into a psych ward
iv. i have stood where you stand and felt what you feel and it’s tortuous and inhumane but you exist outside of the boundaries it sets for you
three months ago:
i. i feel like my life is balanced between the moment where you realize you are falling and you are going to hit the ground and the second after you feel it beneath you
ii. i am not a savior, i am not an angel. my words will not heal you. don’t put the pressure of your will to live on my shoulders, i am tired and i have a lot to balance.
iii. today i am a raincloud and not even just a raincloud i am a cloud that is full and dark and waiting and it won’t rain it will pour it will storm there will be sirens and lightning bolts and thunder and people will cower in safety and i will stay here and be destructive
iv. i woke up safe yesterday, today none of it is real and i hurt when people touch me
two months ago:
i. i think i am in love and it’s inconvenient it’s pestering, i am trying i am trying i am trying.
ii. i want to feel love but i feel so unattainable like i am so out of touch with my genuine emotions that i wouldn’t even know how to feel it (if i even could?)
iii. you have no ties to the people you have been. every day you grow- every day you leave your mistakes behind you and shed all of your previous versions. keep going.
iv. nothing has changed. dont mistake my compliance for forgiveness.
one month ago:
i. i wish the things i care about in my life were concrete instead of the distorted abstract i deal with everyday like a chore
ii. i think about what being dead would feel like a lot and every time i am done i feel like i have to apologize to my mother.
iii. you are not an antidote, i do not need you to survive, you are not sunlight, i do not need you to grow
iv. i am afraid i will never get better.
v. i have always had a hard time with holding grudges but today i climbed onto the other side of the railroad bridge and sat above the water, in line with the trees, and i felt so high and real i whispered into my own palms “i forgive you.”
i think this is the most honest thing ive ever done