No matter how sad I feel right now I can’t bring myself to cry.
For others it can only take a sad movie and they’re sobbing.
I don’t cry that easily and when I do I can’t stop.
If you see me crying, you know that it has gotten bad.

I have three coping methods:
1. Writing
2. Drinking
3. Cutting
I have now just completed all three.
I am numb.

Writing is my therapeutic way of letting my emotions out.
Nobody reads my content anyways.
So what is there to lose?
I can write without worry of consequence.

1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4,
I feel the alcohol burning down my throat,
The familiar feeling I’ve come to know all too well.
I’m trying to make the pain go away.
Trying to make sure I don’t remember anything tomorrow.
It courses through my veins and becomes part of me.
The words are becoming blurry now,
I’m glad I have spell check.

I became overwhelmed with emotion and I cut my wrist.
Almost a year clean and now the number goes back down to zero.
I’m so used to being at the number zero.
I cut to numb the pain I am feeling.
I cut to feel pain, to know I am alive.
To see the blood dripping down my arm,
As proof that my heart is beating.
I’m alive but I am not living.
I feel incomplete without cuts on my wrist
I’ve grown accustomed to them.
I miss them when they are gone.
Welcome back old friends.

To numb the pain I have 3 coping mechanisms.
Usually it is one or the other,
But add them all together and it’s,
1, 2, 3 strikes you’re out.

– Numb // F.C.

I’m sorry I am not the epitome of beauty.
But don’t call me ugly,
Then ask me why I have trouble finding beauty in myself.
That’s like shooting someone in the leg,
And then asking them why they’re bleeding.

– Double Standards // F.C.

I bite my tongue until it bleeds, so that I do not offend you.
I have so much to say to you, but I know you will not like it.
The things I want to say are very harsh and you are not as strong as I.
I bite my tongue so I will not regret saying something I didn’t mean.

I bite my tongue until it bleeds, so that you will not see my lip tremble. The hurtful words you say try to show on my face, but I won’t let them.
I will not let you see me being hurt by what you have said and done.
I bite my tongue so you will not have the satisfaction of winning.

I bite my tongue until it bleeds, so that the tears will not escape my eyes
I do not like when people see me crying for any reason.
I feel like letting someone seeing you cry shows weakness.
I bite my tongue so you will never see weakness in me.

I find that I bite my tongue more often than I should.
The metallic taste of blood in my mouth has become so familiar.
I bite my tongue so hard that I am surprised I haven’t bitten it in half.
I will continue to bite my tongue so I am in control of my emotions.

– Bite Me // F.C.

Bleed. Watch the crimson fluid leave your body.
Bleed. Slowly trickling down your arm.
Bleed. The feelings are overwhelming.
Bleed. You cry silently so nobody will hear.

Bleed. Your skin is stained red.
Bleed. Your eyes sting with tears.
Bleed. Makeup runs down your face.
Bleed. You try to silence your mind.

Bleed. You cut a little deeper.
Bleed. You hiss in pain.
Bleed. You become numb.
Bleed. The blood flows quickly.

Bleed. You don’t feel the blade slice across your skin.
Bleed. You begin to feel drowsy.
Bleed. You feel nothing at this point.
Bleed. You’ve lost the war.

– Bleed. // F.C.

I can manage to think myself into a bad mood,
And not just any bad mood
The kind of bad mood that makes you question life,
The kind of bad mood that causes a strife.

I get these gut wrenching feelings,
My chest tightens,
I can barely breathe,
And I cry without any real reason.

“What’s wrong with me?”
I ask myself as my hands begin to tremble
‘I’m insane’ I think
As my breathing hitches in my throat.

I was fine two minutes ago
And now I’m lying on the bathroom floor
Trying to silence my sobs,
So nobody else will hear.

The part that bothers me most,
Is I don’t have an explanation for why I’m crying
Oh no, please don’t ask
You’ll only make things worse.

I can’t explain it to myself
How am I supposed to explain it to you?
This is helpless, I’m hopeless
I even write this with tear-stained cheeks.

Nobody can help me,
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me
And that’s why my dear,
Overthinking will be the death of me.

– Overthinking will be my Demise // F.C.

You were never supposed to get hurt
Over and over again,
Falling into the same pattern
With no end in sight.

You weren’t supposed to let him hurt you,
Yet you did anyways.
You always go back to him,
Even when he constantly shows you he hasn’t changed.

You’re supposed to hold the thing that kills you,
But not give it the power to ****.
Yet, he held the gun,
And you pulled the trigger.

I tried to be there for you,
You told me you wouldn’t go back,
You said you wouldn’t make the same mistake,
Yet here we are again.

It pains me to see you in pain,
To see you fighting back the tears,
I hate what he’s done to you,
And I hate that you’ve let him do it.

You’ve given him the power.
Every time you forgive him,
He wins, and you’ll lose once again.
He is the thing that will **** you,
And you, you are his willing victim.

– The thing that kills you // F.C.

What is an antagonist?
The definition of an antagonist is the villain or person who challenges the hero/ protagonist
Which one are you?
Are you a protagonist?
Or are you an antagonist?

I am an antagonist.
But the worst part of being an antagonist is being your own antagonist
I am the antagonist in my story

You would think you would be the hero of your own story
That’s not the case for me
I am my own villain
I am my own worst nightmare

The scariest part about this nightmare is that when I wake up my nightmare doesn’t go away.
It lingers every hour of every day never leaving my side
My nightmare is in my head and I can’t escape it
I am my own worst nightmare.

How can you escape your demons, when you are your own demons?
How can you escape yourself?
Could someone please let me know?
I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind
How do I escape?

When you are the antagonist of your own story
Life isn’t as easy as it may seem
It becomes 10x harder
How can I escape myself?
How do I become the protagonist?
How do I stop living in this nightmare?
When will I wake up and not be afraid of my own mind?
I long for that day.

– Antagonist // F.C.