You spend all of your time
Waiting
for him
But you should spend more time
Living
without him

I have to show up
As who I am

I can't show up
As someone else

And expect to be loved
For me

I am never going to find in you
What I need to be searching for
Within myself

I wish I could be there for you
Every time you need a tune of loss
So I could sing you the song of victory

You've even made me hate
the words God graciously gave me
So all I have left to scream
Void of all grace and beauty:
*******.

I shouldn't be alone
In a place as Beautiful
As this

You gotta jump in
Both feet first
Because if one foot is behind the other
A part of you is stuck in the past

I can't believe you had the audacity
To lurch into bed next to me
Each night
Knowing the whole time
The end of the week would bring
The end of us at your command
Dooming me to this house of shadows

How could he do that to me
If he said he loved me
I've never known
A fate so cruel
Issued down by the hand
That held my heart

The storm will always come
You must be ready to weather it
When it arrives

The weight is dropping faster than I can
Pretend to shovel the tasteless waste down my throat
At first there was the fear
If this persists one day I will dwindle to nothing
Followed by the panic and the binging
Must. Consume. Calories.
Three bites in and that should be enough
But the pants continue to fall
And the shirts simply hang from the clavicle
Eventually I'll fix this mess of a body
Only after I fade to nothing

You simply don't comprehend
The mountains I would have moved
The rivers I would have parted
Chaos I could have calmed
Or created
The tides I'd shift
Or the cards I'd fold
But I guess none of that matters now
Or ever
If it even did at all

In the frosty fields of night
They thought they hid their sins

Buried
Low beneath the ice
Buried deep below the snow

In the waking silence
I found my breath

My lungs ripped and pulled —
gasp — after gasp —
Pleading only to choke

Dirt!
Solid, filling, heavy
Killing

Filling my chest by lung
Crushing my hope in pressure

My hands work frantic
as buckets, rakes, and hatchets
Beseeching the Earth to open

A prayer seems lost
in this desolate darkness
of endless soil

As fear and panic subside
acceptance and frostbite
cascade over me like an endless sea

One last sigh-
I relinquish all to the Mother
Whose frozen embrace will keep me still

Maybe sins are better left buried

It's getting harder and harder
To wake up without you

In those early seconds of morning
The burning rage ignites my soul
And burns me out to a spiteful pit long
Before the sun reaches the peak of the sky

The resentment you buried
Deep in my heart
Boils in the daylight hours
And scolds me long into the night

Melatonin chokes out my consciousness with mercy
Suffocating my misery
If only for a short moment
Until I'm plunged into the depths of my nightmares

My body thrashing about this bed til morning
But each and every sunrise  
Makes it harder and harder
To realize you left me here alone
Bearing no responsibility or resentment of your own

"I hope work wasn't too bad for you. I've been going through a lot and I'd like to explain things when you get home."

Be my muse
Even when you're no longer my passion

I see our forever
twinkling in his eyes

The best revenge is kindness
Delivered with sincerity
And grace

We do now
What we do best

We let it go
And welcome what comes next