When I was young I thought, life was all rainbows and smiles,
In a way, I knew then itself, I was lying.
As I grew up and became more me, Rainbows changed to grey skies and smiles to rain.
The parents I loved, started to crumble,
My mom a shadow of her former self.
And to be honest, I let them both down, especially her.

And as years went by and 30 drew close,
The disappointments grew, the indifference, the hate, the melancholy,
I just wanted to stop.
But still so guilt ridden, for thinking this thought, cause from outside I had it all.

Why do you have what you have? Why do you get what you get?
Why do you make of it what you do? Why do you stop?

I just don't belong anywhere.
I don't even belong to myself.
What a mess.

No, No, No, No,No,
I get you girl.
You are strong and you are beautiful and I love you.
There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing.
What you believe in matters, what you feel matters.
This is not in your head, your thoughts matter.
Who you are MATTERS.
Believe it. Everyday.
Tell your daughters, tell your sisters, tell your mom.
Tell your wife, tell your lover, tell that stranger on the bus.
YOU MATTER. WE MATTER.

I lost a friend. He was way too young.
Way way too young, you see.
And he was the best boy. The best a boy can be.

He was kind and funny. Quirky and smart.
He was deep and thoughtful, complex and caring.
Always a smart line, a witty remark,
Quick to love and total spirit of sharing.

I'm in a state of disbelief.
I can't truly feel the loss that I should perceive.
The pain it's under the surface, struggling to get out
But the heart just won't allow for the reality to seep.

I want to mourn this loss.
To cry for the friend, confidant, family gone.
But to lament is to believe, believe he has truly left the world, you see.
And that is unfathomable a pain, I don't want to conceive.

And now what is left is a constant dull ache,
a longing for his words, his laugh, his wisdom and his face,
No one can ever match or take his place,
This void is just too great.

I lost a friend yesterday. He was way too young.
Way way too young, you see.
And he was the best boy. The best a boy can be.

A mix of arousal and tears,
A mix of wanting and fears,
A mix of needing and lacking,
A mix of beauty and sadness,
Never enough.

Exhaustion to the Bone.
That's what this has become.
No more. Finish. End. Period.
Next?

Like meandering paths down my face, these emotions seep through,
The heart is overflowing, restraint long gone,
I am grateful for this escape from the cave of inadequacy,
Engulfed by my failures, thoughts and disappointments is the worst death.