I used to live in haze and coldness, but then I met you.
You showed me a whole other life and all the beautiful things I could do.
And suddenly I could breathe again and the sun shined so bright.
And every time the sun went down the moon lit up the night.
The girl I was before you touched my heart is not in control any longer.
And in her spot, a better me started growing and I feel so much stronger.

Ask her what her favorite color is
Not at what age she had her first kiss
Ask her questions respectfully
And for god sake don’t ask when she lost her virginity
Don’t send her pictures of your **** without consent
Cause she’ll save it and laugh at it with her friends
Or she will do what I always do
Make sure your mama sees it too

I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I do
I am slowly falling in love with you
But you’ve got her and I got him
And the chances of something happening are really slim
I know I should cut you off, run and hideaway
But something about this makes me wanna stay

I'm drowning but acting like nothing's wrong
I'm sick of being alive, I've been alone for so so long
I'm sorry for saying sorry every single second of the day
I swear, always mean well but keep ******* up what I say
I know for a fact that I'm easily replaceable
I'm aware that to my friends, I'm erasable
I’m always the one walking behind my friends alone
I’m sure they wouldn’t even notice if I went home

Growing up, a “sorry” was the paper-thin line between “they didn’t scream too much today” or  “crying myself to sleep because it’s 3 am and we’ve been fighting for hours and I literally got nothing more to give”
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

Yelling triggers my anxiety so badly, it doesn’t matter if you yell at me saying you just won a million dollars, I’ll still cry. My parents screamed at me until I was scared they’d hurt me
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

I can’t stand people trying to touch my face, I flinch and try to get away. That’s what happens when someone’s touch once left marks
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

If I were to tell my parents about how ******* tired I was of living they’d just tell me to stop overreacting. That’s why I ignore my mental health until I’m literally dead inside
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

When someone asks me something it’s super hard for me to say “yes” or “no” because whatever I would answer I would either get called “spoiled” or “ungrateful”. And due to my parents forcing and shaming me to say “thank you” it’s now super hard for me to say it
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

My parents used to leave me on read because they got “tired of dealing with me and my overdramatized feelings”, that’s why I freak out when I’m left on read
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

But I’m still a work in progress
And I might never be ready

I have these thoughts in my head that keeps me awake
I got this feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake
They make me really question my own sanity
Is this really me who’s talking or is it just anxiety?
Is this just me or is there something more?
Because I can’t recognize myself anymore
I have thoughts so black that they stain my heart
So I no longer can tell me or the whispering voices apart

I’ll give my condolences to your family
I’ll speak at your funeral about our memories
I’ll be at the wake with a black dress
I will shed a tear with the rest of the guests
I’ll walk away laughing from your ceremony
Cause baby, you’re ******* dead to me

When we first met, you were a stranger
At first glance I knew my life was in danger
You know I would do it all again.
But I was honest and you played pretend
You switched up on me and everyone could see
That you lied and promised you would change for me
But I don’t know what I’m gonna do
Cause now I can see right through you
When we first met, you took my breath away
But I knew you would move on one day
We turned into something that we didn’t plan
Now you’re more distant than when it all began

I know I should really take them, I have had trouble sleeping lately
And another trip to the mental ward can affect my grades greatly.
They prescribed Imovane and said “don’t take them in vain.
But they forget to say if I do not take them I may go insane

I don't just Love music, It's the only reason I have survived
I eat, sleep and breathe music, It keeps me alive
If you ask me, there's like a 99% chance I'm listening to it
I'm even listening to music while writing this ****
If I have to choose between music and you
It was nice knowing you, my dude

“I just, why does my mom hate me?” You asked
My heart has never shattered so fast
“All I do is upset everyone”
My sweet baby, you’ve never been so wrong
“I'm just ******* fat and lazy”
Honey don’t say that they are just ******* crazy
“She doesn't care about me... she never has”
I promise baby we’ll be together, at last,
The **** they say to you is wrong and endless
And being so far away makes me feel so helpless

Am I looking for something I will never find?
Have the screaming in my head made me lose my mind?
I still ask myself how I could be so blind?
Why did I turn so bitter and quit being kind?

I wish I knew how to say what I;
WANT without being too scared;
TO be honest and say that I want to;
**** the sadness I feel inside of;
MYSELF that never leave;
BUT would you still look at me as if;
I never changed and say that you
DON'T want to lose me, that you
WANT me to stay in your life because
MY sadness doesn't change me from being a part of your
FAMILY
AND change that to being just
FRIENDS again, would you still say you want me
TO never leave you and always
BE by my side no matter how
SAD I am
I Want To **** Myself But I Don't Want My Family And Friends To Be Sad

There’s something I have not told many around me.
And something I rarely show and you'll probably never see
But something you really need to know to understand why I sometimes act weird or I am distant.  
And the reason I will ignore you in school unless you come to me and my energy is nonexistent.
I'm always in pain, I always have some sort of prescription painkillers with me.
They don’t remove everything but they help me to function to some degree.
To be completely honest, I don't know how my liver is working and I'm not dying.
I take my painkillers over maximum dosages and if I said I cared, I'd be lying.
I often spend my days in bed in pain and mostly you can't reach me
If you meet me in school I can bet I’m wearing one black bracelet on each wrist
I have them to soothe the sickness from the drug's side effects my doctor missed
I have tried to be strong and not let it take over who I used to be
But living is for me only bittersweet, I will never be free

Smile.
Cover it up, whatever you do, don't let it show  
Smile.
Don’t say it really ******* hurts, they don’t want to know
Smile.
Don’t let them see you are actually faking
Smile.
Smile even when you feel your heart is breaking

I was wild and reckless
You were patient, made success
You tamed the wolf inside of me
So call me your puppy, baby

I'm not fine, not even okay
My anxiety holds me down forcing me to obey
Having the world on your shoulders is harder than I'm prepared to go through
Being looked down at and pushed to the limit for what I'm capable to do  
How on earth will I ever be okay again
Will I ever go back to who I was, will I ever be able to break these chains
It's holding me down to pieces and breaking me apart
I wish I could go back, I wish I could just push the restart
All my friends say that I could take something to fix it just a little bit
**** it, I wish it, I wish it was as simple as they picture it
It's slowly eating me, killing me inside until there's nothing here to fight for
Giving my all just to lose it again, lying crying on the bathroom floor
And no matter how much I try to keep a clear sight
The demons hold me back and it's getting harder to fight
To not know who you are, fighting my best not to fall apart
To have a soul full of scars and looking for the remedy for the broken heart
To not know who you will become when all ends, will I still be the same as when it all began?
Will I still be the old me that never bends?
To not know how you will manage everything
To have to go through hell and not be able to do anything
To not know if you have the power to say what you feel
And to be called a child and to have no own will
To be called too young to know what’s best for myself
That “You're too young to take care of yourself”
But if y'all knew what's inside of my head
You’ll regret everything you ever said

If I had to describe attachment in one sentence. I’d call it “a car crash in slow motion”. You can’t control it, you can’t stop it, it creeps up on you until it’s too late to pump the brakes, you know it’s coming and it’s going to ******* hurt. And if it doesn’t **** you, you are gonna wish it did.
Now. You need to prepare yourself for the most horrible heartache you have ever felt. You are gonna miss them like ******* crazy. Getting over it might take up to 1 year. 6 months if you’re lucky.
Now, Are you ready for the next “hi” and “goodbye”?.
~ A.S 15.05.20 ~

There are a lot of things I do not dare to say
Like, the last time I trusted someone they walked away
I am terrified to really let someone in
Scared of letting someone see the scars deep within
I have been cut so many times before
I do not expect people to stay around anymore

I’ve probably seen stuff that’d make any grown person freak out, or at least have nightmares.
I have seen people die, I’ve seen over 1000 videos and I don’t remember half of them, they didn’t leave a mark. You name it, I’ve seen it. It’s been;
Decapitation, headshots, crushed under caterpillars, hanging, drowning, burning alive, getting skinned alive, hit by a train, brain matter splattered on the ground, the trembling hands of the man who’s unable to feel his legs not knowing they aren’t attached to him anymore and the panic in his eyes as they put him in the body bag alive.
I’ve heard screams of a fear, I’ve heard pleading for mercy, I’ve heard the silent gurgle of a man's last desperate breath of air after his throat was cut.
A scream of pure agony from a father who just witnessed his son’s ******, the oddly comforting sound the body makes when it hits the ground after falling from the roof. I like watching them, I guess I have some morbid fascination with death.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d never hurt someone, that’s not what I'm saying, or maybe I could.
They just don’t affect me like they probably should, I’ve grown numb to the one thing designed to scare us; death.