I'm in a state of quantum superposition.

There's a pain
A slight tinge of pain,
she tried to convince herself.
A quick stab
But a permanent marker
More so because it's the quiet kind of pain.
The kind that keeps her up at night
The kind that inspires her poems at 3am
The kind that kills you inside
The kind that is gnawing its way into the depths of her being.

It's excruciatingly loud
But only she can hear it.

Let me turn my back from you
Let me feel as empty
As your eyes when I saw
You walk past me.
Let me do the same as what
You did to me
So you'll feel how I felt
When you left me.

The stillness amuses me
The stopping of time
A moment of your own-
on your own.

Trapped within the white walls
Of a place for the sick
A place for the sick?
I already died.

I killed myself inside-
A long time ago.
The pretty red liquid flows
Invisible to the eye
I killed myself inside.

Tempted but scared
To pick the last petal
Of the bleeding rose.

So I looked for other flowers
To preoccupy my mind
"Think happy thoughts"
Is what they say
As I greedily and desperately gasped for air
And wished for the numbing sensation to subside.

All I want is an escape
To never think at all
Think of happy thoughts, you say?
The happy thoughts were my downfall.

Tell me where I failed
On being your friend
Tell me when it ended
And how it all began.

I tried to brush off the fact
That you stabbed me in the back
I knew and my heart was bleeding
And it was bleeding for you.

How hard must it be
For you to be stuck with me
That you had to pretend it's okay
For me to be your friend.

It's okay now, I forgive you
Just be honest and tell me the truth
Did you mean what you said
When you promised never to leave me
Just like they all did?

I guess by now I should know
But it's always easier to be comforted by a lie
Than be slapped with the truth
That you did not care
Not once not ever.

I opened myself up to you
Something I do not often do
But you betrayed me still.
Tell me,
What did I ever do to you?

I see the lights and wonder,
"Would I have seen them any different
If you did not exist?"
I used to see them even from afar,
Admire and compare them to stars,
I may have written a poem or two
Of how
When I see the lights,
I think of you.
But now
After everything we've been through
I see them as a constant reminder
That lights can go off any second
And leave you in the dark.
Just like how the day gives way to the night
And waits until it needs to give light
The only difference is
I waited but you never came back.

Distant
Like the moon
She became
Trying to mend herself
While secretly wishing
For someone to mend her.
While others only see the darkness,
She's secretly hoping
For someone, just one person will do,
To notice
That she also has light.
To know
The little things
That make her happy
And the little things
That make her sad.
To admire the fact that
Despite the darkness enveloping
And the stars competing
For all the attention,
She's okay
With having only one soul
To look at her
And believe in her
When she can't do the same for herself.
She wishes to be loved as the moon
And not just the moon among the stars.