It's cold and the heater isn't on but my heart is on and its love for you is keeping me warm.

**** me for being so weak.
**** me for falling in love with every girl who shows me the tiniest bit of attention.
**** me for giving in so easily.
**** me for wanting to please others.
**** me for being too nice.
**** me for not loving myself.
**** me for thinking others would be nice to me if i'm nice to them.
**** me for trusting people too easily
**** me for not thinking more.
**** me for being so weak.

I get drunk and think
I get drunk and think about you
I get drunk and write about you
You're stuck in my head
Like super glue
I get drunk and pass out
i get drunk and face my fears of losing you
I get drunk and miss getting drunk with you

It's been almost a month since I had last seen you. I missed you so much. I know that you're bad for me but I can't help it. I just had to take you back out of the box that I had locked you away in. This whole month I hadn't thought about anything but you in that old box. I needed you. I couldn't find reason to keep you away from me. So I couldn't resist anymore. And here I am now. I light you up with my lighter and inhale you into my lungs and let you darken my insides inch by inch. I get a small feeling of remorse but then it disappears when your poison gets to my head. I'm so glad your back.

Release the tension. Let it go. Let it all go. Empty everything out of your mind. And take a look inside yourself. Take in every last detail. Observe all the colors. From the red, too hot and determined, to the yellow, bouncy and wavering. From the orange, warm and confident, to the green, tolerant and comfortable. Behold the shapes you see. Observe the unity and perpetuity of the circle. Feel the connectivity and intimacy of the square. Follow the directivity and order of the triangle. Describe to yourself all these colors and shapes and they will describe to you your true personality, and it will be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen in your life.

We are just human beings. So weak. So fragile. We wander through this world. Looking for a meaning. A meaning to why we live. A meaning to why we exist. Do we have purpose? We try to try to make the best of this life. We don't know what else to do. Its like we were abandoned in this world with no instructions. So we made up our own instructions. We live by all these instructions that were made by people who thought they knew what life is. But yet we are not happy. We are not satisfied. Theres more to life than what meets the eye. But unfortunately we cannot see it. All these artificial forms entertainment. They blind us from the truth. Where is the truth? We cannot find it. Why have we been abandoned here with out any traces of the truth?

Have you forgotten so easily? We are you. We are the madness that lurks within you all, begging to be free at every moment in your deepest animal mind. We are what you hide from in your beds every night. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread.

I followed blindly
Not knowing where I was going
Not know I was going
Took every step with out looking
Took everything lightly
Like it didn't matter
But I didn't know that it didn't matter
And thats why it did matter
I followed blindly
Until I realized
That there was nothing to follow
Nowhere to go
I started doubting everything
Was anything real?
Did anythig matter?
And thats when it stopped mattering
When I questioned whether it mattered or not
I was no longer sure of anything
Lost in a realm of uncearinaty
It destroyed me
The me that had not been real
And brought out the real me
And the real me is the one who doesn't exist
The one who doesn't matter
The one that will never matter
The one inside my head
The one with no end
Just like these words

Maybe I should've been born in a time were words didn't exist. A time where everything was simple. And people communicated through there emotions. And our emotions weren't concealed with all these words. Does a time like that even exist? Is it even possible to communicate with pure emotions. I like to think it is.

Hypocrite. I can't find any other words to describe you. Hypocrite. Saying you won't drink and drinking the next minute. Looking me in the eye and drinking. Have you no honor? Have you no dignity? You're so weak. You gave in so easily. Just to have fun. Just to dance. And what's the price you pay for this? Misery. You chose to live miserably for a few moments of fun. I understand that you can tell someone else you won't do it but then you do it. It's ok we all do that. But how could you deceive yourself. How could you lie to the one person that will be there for you forever. How can you live with yourself when you treat yourself like ****? You bring on your own misery. If you start treating yourself better maybe you won't hate yourself so much.

I hate how quick silly human beings are to judge
Just becuase i'm a teen and I wear baggy clothes
Doesn't mean i'm mean and don't understand your pains
Just becuase I have headphones on
Doesn't mean i'm a teenage punk who doesn't doesn't know any better
Just because I smoke
Doesn't mean you can point me out to your children as a bad example
If you could only see your own faults first
Oh how you'd wish to be in someone elses place
But that wouldn't fix anything
No matter who you are
You will always have faults
You can only acheive what you percieve as perfection
Once you fix the flaws you can fix and accept the flaws that you can't
But all these silly humans do is point fingers at others to cover up their own faults
Such silly creatures

You were one of my mistakes but not all my mistakes are mistakes.

This little red pill gives me life.
This little red pill makes me think.
This little red pill makes me understand.
This little red pill understands me.
This little red pill keeps me up and running.
This little red pill is my friend.
This little red pill makes takes life away from me.
This little red pill extinguishes my thoughts.
This little red pill doesn't make sense.
This little red pill doesn't understand me.
This little red pill makes me miserable.
This little red pill is my enemy.

I am in that mood where you're so angry with everything but you're too fed up with it all so you don't bother get angry.

What is it
That you do with in your head?
That you can not do with out?
What is it that transpires through your brain limited by your actions due to social incapabilities?
What are the trains that you ride on through the circuits in your brain made of?
Impossibilities due to a breakdown in the laws of physics?
A flaw created by the treatment of another flaw of the universe?
A baby held back in its own bliss by its own supreme intelligence?
A fellow team mate who can not be with out the being of others?
A trusted business man who is never busy?
Or is it the main flow of energy through the tunnels of time under the watchful eye of eternity?
What is it that you do in your head?

Lets build walls around us and paint them in different bright colors.
Lets live just me and you.
Let us find each other through our strengths and weaknesses.
Let us observe each others lips with our lips.
Let us understand each other and be one.
Let us understand each other through our eyes.
Let us feed of each others emotions.

The feels
An illusionary world of emotions
A platform filled with people who are blindfolded by illusions
Begging to be pulled out but insisting they stay
The feels
A realm of darkness that pulls reality right from under your feet
Its a place where the weak go to get stronger
And fools go because they know no better
The feels
A type of disease that once infected only curable by logic
An illness that creates non existent false truths

The pain.
It just pulls me down.
***** me right into the ground.
Or at least I feel that way.
Physically I look ok.
But mentally i'm worse than a shipwreck.
My soul soul has sunk into the depths of the ocean and is pulling my mind along with it.
I want my soul to come back up but it can't float anymore because theres a hole in it and now its submerged in the depths of the ocean.

Appreciate what you have they say
Some people would die for the life you have they say
They're so materialistic
They don't realize that a life filled with luxuries is not what makes us happy
How can I appreciate what I have without having the emotions to appreciate it?
How can I appreciate what I have if its not what I need?
I never asked to be be born into this wealth.
All I need to appreciate life is for someone to appreciate me for who I am.
It might look like I can live a great with all of what I have
But that would only be true if I were to be like the rest of them
But no
I'm not
And no one can blame me for that
Am I to suffer for accepting who I am
I don't think so
I won't let it happen
And whoever thinks they can make me suffer for being who I am they can go and **** them selves
Even if the people who don't accept me for who I am are my family
This has no end

I play your mind like a guitar

Plucking away at your thioghts as they pass by

I play your heart like a drum

Producing love everytime it beats

If only you could appreciate what you had.

If only you could see that it isn't so bad.

If only you could see that you're not that only one who is sad.

If only you could've accepted.

You wouldn't have felt so rejected.

Help me
Help me through my cries
Help me through my intentions
Help me with a bottle of ***** and some ****
Help me without hurting me
Help me and be leave
Help me with your silence
Help me and become true
Help me and get me out of this hell whole that i'm stuck in
Help me

What is it that holds me back?
Stops me from shouting out how much I hate you
Or love you
I don't even know
There a ball of fury festering deep with in me
But it just won't show its self
It choses to hide among one of my many masks
The masks that have decieved many including me
What is this boiling sensation that grinds my emotions into nothingness
Leaves me with nothing to feel
But its own emptiness
Strips me of everything that I knew my self to be
What are you
What do you want from me

When everything finishes.
When its all over.
When everyone is gone.
When nothing is left to hear except the silence.
When nothing is left to be seen except the beauty of emptiness.
When nothing is left to taste expect for life.
When nothing is left to feel except for the loneliness.
When nothing is left to be fed expect your soul.
When everything is left except for right.
I will be there.

What is the final treatment for bees?
What is it that keeps the floating buzzes of noise from reaching the ears of the ones who eat golden sap?
What makes us so superior to our selves that we are who we are and not what we are?
How is it that every time there is another counter at the end its always closed?
Why do we endure what we endure and not what others endure?
How is it that the quackles of time aren't tangible?
Where do all these lights comes from?
Could they be a a mere network full of imagination?
The imagination that we use to believe in illusions.
The creaming heat of a bagle.
The freezing cold of a near by possibility.
Everything.
With out the the E.
Nothing is left.
You are what you keep your self from falling into a black hole.
Bur why don't you try to stop it?
As long as a anything can get, does it ever end?
Man made or not.
What makes the making if a maker is what makes the maker of nothing.
Maybe.
Too many possibilities.
This or that?
Is that two?
But what is two?
A free form of a limited end?
I think not.
I think not as a thinker but as a stair case to understand what brings everything to being into words.
If you ever do end, then you are an illsuion of your self. And you do not exist.
You keep spinning with out any direction.
But yet what is it that is?
Gobble gobbke gobble.

Before all beings rise with the darkness and non beings fade away with the light, the colors will blind time.
After the darkness has evaporated into light, and the light has condensed into darkness, time will be exposed.
As part of the interest of the existing, we are merely one form of energy with many different sides.
We know not of the shallowest secrets of our non existence yet we harness our selves over the illusions that our mere existence plays on us.
So why does that make us? Because our non existence is depleting? Or is our existence entering the realm of eternally existent beings?
Something that is we can not know before looking past the blocks of existing masses of anti-time. We must be the ones who create the anti-darkness that will find the beings that flow in the opposite direction of time. We must invest the time that we are given in time that we are denied and find out when the undertaking of time will take place so we can create the realm of anti-time. We must not let our senses of the flow get blinded with colors that don't exist in reality. Unless we know for a fact that time can be opposed, we shall never attempt to break time off our realm of imagination. For if the force of the end fails to block the flow of time, time can never be stopped ever again. Resulting in a new realm where no beginning has an end, and no end has a beginning. This is the realm where even non existence can not exist. The realm of a new classification of non existence to exist. This is the realm where everything that has ever happened in the past and future exists on its own, not allowing anything else to coexist. This is the beginning of the old end that was meant to exist before time did. This is the birth of a new time that shares the same name with its resister but flows in the direction of the beginning. This is emit.

The notness of who you once weren't is who you must be. But you must be able to distinguish can from not to do why.
And why is the essence of who. But can who understand why? It is a mystery. A mystery created by its self for the sole reason of where.
And when I say why you can not answer because where isn't existence in your realm that you made not to be in fear of being.

Who is person that they call beauty?

Why does beauty exist?

Does beauty know that it had hurt so many people?

Does beauty do this on purpose?

Is beauty a curse?

I think beauty is a curse and should be punished.

We should **** beauty.

Just like it killed countless souls.

Beauty is sneaky.

Beauty deceives.

Beauty should only exist behind ugly.

But too bad society thought ugly was a curse and destroyed it.

Ugly is the true beauty.

And that makes ugly a curse.

This means nothing should exist.

Here I am again
In this room
Completely dark
Completely silent
Completely empty
I don't know anything
All I can think of is her
The way she abandoned me
Collected all my value
And left
She took my light away
She took my air with her
She took everything
And now i'm empty
It's amazing how such actions from one specific person
Could influence you more than anything else

Dead he is for words.

But living he is for emotions.

Dead he is for actions.

But living he is for thoughts.

Dead he is for people.

But living he is for him himself.

Dead he is for his home.

But living he is for his cave.

Dead he is for the world.

But living he is for universe.

Dead he is for the end.

But living he is for the present.

I never learn
This happens all the time
Every time there is a final
I blank out
I can't do this anymore
It's like a mysterious force comes over me and takes over my mind
Stops me from studying
I can't do this
I just can't
Why can't I study
Every time I tell my self next time I will study
But when it comes to it
I just can't.
I can't
What is this force that comes over me
Blocks all my thoughts
Stops my mind from working
Takes away all my motivation
Strips me from my emotions
What is this
I need help
And I need it fast

He is lying down in his bed. His mind is overloaded with worries. Worries about life. Worries about death. Worries about who he is. Worries about what he is. Worries about why he is. All his friends call him crazy because he doesn't like money. They say evil spirits have taken over his body. They call him lunatic. They make him feel unique. But they don't know. They don't understand. They don't understand that they live in different worlds. They are so blind folded by the illusions of life that they do not know where they are. He doesn't blame them. He blames God. He knows God can open all these people's eyes but He choses not to. He doesn't understand the ways of God but he respects them because he has faith in
God. He still persists to be who he is despite what all his friends say. They had taken him to countless psychiatrists. They said he had Diogenes syndrome.  But he knows that no such syndrome exists. It was just another word for different. But they wouldn't understand that. They never understand anything. He was alone in his world. No one other than him and his ghosts lived there.  His mind was never empty. He was always occupied. He didn't know anything else. His skill was thinking. Too bad that skill wasn't appreciated where he was. And just like that he killed himself. Doing what he does best. Thinking. He thought himself to his own death. And now he understood everything. Who he was. What he was. Why he was. He got it all. Everything is so clear to him now. He no longer has to think. He is finally at peace.

Trees
Trees everywhere
Beautiful trees for endless miles

Buildings
Ugly buildings everywhere
Ugly buildings for endless miles

Animals
Beautiful animals running freely
Beautiful animals being beautiful

Animals
Miserable animals locked in cages
Miserable animals being miserable

Air
Fresh air everywhere
Fresh air filling our lungs

Air
Filthy polluted air
Filthy polluted air killing our lungs

Should man have been given this much power?
All man did is destroy its surroundings
Man tried to make the society around man adapt to man
But man ended up having to adapt to the superficial society man built

Wake up when your job tells you to

Eat when your job tells you to

Go home when your job tells you to

What has man done to this world?

Yesterday feels so far behind me
Tomorrow feels like it will never come
And the present
Even tho i'm in the present it feels like its so distant from me
I can't live in it
So where does that leave me
Some place where time does not exist
Some place where life or death doesn't matter
Some place far away from the world of the people
Some place in my head
Some place where no one else can be
All alone
No trace of existence
No clue of trees
No essnece
No being
Just me
And nothing
Empty
Dark
Emotions
Fear
Anger
Hate
Love
Over here I exist as what I am
And not as who I am
Over here I understand why
Over here lies everything that does not exist
Over here I am present
Over here I reside

I tried
I did my best
I gave it my all
But I couldn’t get to you
You were just too far out of my reach
I was like a flying insect flying towards flame because it bright
But not knowing that it would burn me
I guess you just weren’t right for me
You made me realize who I really was

Intense heat. That’s when I work. That’s when I can start feeling the emotions flow through my veins. My head must be productively heated for my brain to function. My pupils have to be dilated. My body active and energetic. My mood fierce. My thoughts sharp. My senses alert. I have to have my heat to function. Without heat I will rot and wither away.

I would be a cake with a tail. I'd have a tail because it would be part of me just like my hands are. My tail is what gives me my power. My tail gives me life. My tail is who I am. My tail cannot be denied. I trust my tail more than anything. My tail has taught me everything I know. My tail has been with me ever since I was born and will be with me till I die.

I remember the very night that you told me I was your drug and you were addicted to me. Back then I thought you were just trying to show me how much You loved me. But now I realize that you were trying to show me how much you hated me. I was just like a bad habit that you had to stop sooner or later. I wonder if you even saw me as a person. You were saying you loved the way an alcoholic would say he loves alcohol. But deep down you hated me. And just like an alcoholic would say I hated being an alcoholic after sobering up now you're saying you hated being with me. I was just a drug to you. Nothing else. Not even a person.

It's 2AM. I'm outside again. Out for one of my regular night strolls. I don't know where I am. Everything is dark in the dead of the night. I'm broke as usual and I have only two cigarettes left. Not that it would change anything if I had any money. All the shops close after 12 in this city that lives by day and sleeps by night. My phone is almost dead and its cold. But I don't feel the cold over the pain that you are causing me. Its funny how a lie can make you feel so much pain. I don't even know how I got here. Last thing I remember is leaving my house. Then I fell so deep into my thoughts that when I looked around again I was in a place that i've never been before. The only light I see is that of my cigarette and of the occasionally passing cars. I would try to stop them and ask them to take me home. But it wouldn't matter if they did because what society calls home isn't home to me. I really want to go home. I've never been there and I really wonder what its like. It's quite close to me actually. It's inside me. But I just can't find the key to it. I've had many illusions of home before when I was with you. I guess that was just your home. Its 6AM. The shops are opening up. I think i'm catching a cold from staying out for too long. But that doesn't matter because my soul has had a cold ever since you left. I think it's always been there but you just made me realize it. And ever since i've been looking for a cure. The best cure I have found so far is time. It's 10AM. I'm still aimlessly wandering around. I'm supposed to be in class but it doesn't matter. Its 1PM. I look around me. I'm in a car. The driver asks me where I live. I tell him I don't live. He gives me a confused look. He tells me he found me passed out on the side of the street. I tell him I need to get to class. He asks me where my school is and I tell him. When I get there I thank him and tell him I have no cash to give him. He says he is doing this to satisfy his guilt, not for cash. It's people like these that make me happy. To know that people like these still exist gives me hope. It's 8PM. I'm in my room lying down. You pop into my thoughts again. I go to sleep. It's 1AM. I just woke up from a nightmare where you were chasing me. I decide to go for another walk.

Just the though of being. What does it bring to your mind? What is it to be? Or is it even to be to really be? Can we be with just our physical existence? Or does being go deeper than that? Does being mean that we have to exist in more than just the physical realm? Does being mean we have to be part of somethig beyond our imaginations? Being part of a realm of reality that isn't imagined by our brains? Is being something that surpasses life and death? Being is the essence of existing. To be we must understand what it is to exist as what we are and not as who we are. To exist we must go beyond life and death and enter a realm that excceds time. A realm where we are exist as beings who do not live nor die but just exist. A realm where everything is real and non of the illusions that we see in our physical existence exists. That is to be with out words. Thats is to be with everything that we are and not with what we aren't. That is the existence of the essence of being an existing being.

My body can't take it anymore.

The nights so long.

The days so short.

I need to rest.

But I can't.

The voice in my head won't stop.

It just won't leave me alone.

And now it's affecting my body too.

I'm tired.

Tired.

Tired of pretending.

Tired of thinking.

Tired of not sleeping.

Tired of sleeping.

Tired of being trapped in my head.

I want to get out.

But theres no where else to go.

Maybe one day i'll find a way out.

Maybe then I will rest.

Maybe then I will see.

Maybe then I will feel.

Maybe then I can live.

I walk to think, but all that I can think is of you.

I stand to rest, but all my energy is aimed towards you.

I sit to relax, but all my comfort is dependent on you.

I lay to sleep, but all my sleeping time is spent on you.

I sleep to forget, but all my dreams are about you.

Why? Do we.

Do we.

Do we?

Do we why?

What? do we.

Do we.

Do we?

Do we what?

How do we?

Do we.

Do we?

Do we how?

When? Do we.

Do we.

Do we?

Do we when?

Who? Do we.

Do we.

Do we?

Do we who?

Just for a night you were there
Just fir a night I could hold you in my arms
Just for a night I could smell your hair
Just for a night I could listen to you sing
Just for a night we enjoyed each others company

The pain is much less these days. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to. And I don't think about you as much as I used to. I remember the times before when I hadn't understood who you weren't, I used to think about you with each and every breathe I took. But now theres someone else. I really like her. But i'm scared. Not of rejection. I hope I do get rejected. No. I'm scared of you. What if she turns out to be just like you? Then what? Am I bound to go to hell all over again. And for what. For loving. Am I to suffer because I can truly love? Is this cycle of interchange between hell and heaven ever going to stop?