I'm clearly so forgettable
To me it's SO regrettable
That I go from ear to ear
This is my worst fear

When we're gone and dust
It seems we're just lust
Not needed, not wanted
And destined to be the one that's haunted

Never be the one
Like I am
Accept that you're naught
Like I am

I'd FIGHT I'd struggle and bleed
To be not him

But here I am
The aging fading memory

I haven't had a bad night in a while
Gosh... It's like I'm making a new file
Nobody cares
Nobodys there
Maybe I
Should learn to file
I'm not scared
But I realize
I'm merely there
My most precious
Doesn't care
And I'm just
Here for a while

I suppose I'll live
I think I have more to give
Receiving is a gift
One that I cannot lift

I can look down
I can look up
But all I see
Is when I **** up

I even hate my words
Maybe that's what I deserve

Today was great!
I learned something
I spoke to my most precious
I was berated
I was downgraded
I was hated
Hurt my own feelings
Heard my own feelings
It was a terrible day

I achieved
I perceived
I...... Leaved
Perhaps she was write
Maybe I'm *****
I can definitely attest
Even put to the test
I don't give a ****
And don't blame it on luck

I believe I am finally beginning to understand
The pathetic absolution of man

But I still stand

I have finally found
The pinnacle
Loneliness without being lonely
I have friends, family
Yet here I am
It ******* kills me
They have their lives
And I have mine
And I can finally draw the line
I was a distraction
Perhaps a distraction
From my own mind

I'm not sure they realize
And I would hate to jeopardize
This illusion
That they see me...
But only my contribution

Today the clock reset
On my personal sign
Showing how many days
It's been since I wanted to die

I know I don't. I know it.
But God ******
I sure wish I could show it

Boundaries
I suppose
Are as useful
As memories

Alone
Is
As
Good
As
We
Perceive

MR

This is a death march, don't be naive
Worthless shepherd to your little sheep
It seems to me we're all truly blind
Let's all believe neglect is divine

A cold and lonely corpse is all you will leave
What else could you possibly believe
None of us will ever find
A way to fight this cruel timeline

Baffled by what you hope to receive
For if God is real he's left us behind
Or at least he's taken what's mine
And I watch my life in the sieve

Don't let yourself be deceived
What you believe
Betrays your selfish greed and endless need

To get oblivion out of your mind
He is clearly unkind
And laughs to himself as we bleed

Cast away as you cast a line
These misled, pathetic, malign
Faiths of humankind
That have never failed to bind
The mask, the blind

And still we can't see
The evil sewn into his design
Shake my fist to the sky
Beg, plead, pray for ease
And weep quietly, "please"

For all of my want
I've still seen not a lot
And your god that turned his back on you,
And your entire faith
Is ignoring me too

I refuse to accept
My loving creator has crept
Into my heart just to make it seize.
So I scream
And I scream
And I still see no reprieve.

This is my challenge
Which will not be met
To prove my point
Let's commit a sin, let's bet.

If there is a God, then that would mean that this is his plan. If that is truly our creator, then I reject him, and judge him as he would judge me.

Sacrilege. Heresy. Smite me, almighty smiter. I have thrown down the gauntlet. You have no sons, no daughters, no apostles, no martyrs.

You have only slaves. And I will not accept the original tyrant as my saviour. I rail at the notion. Perhaps Lucifer had a point.

A note. Just a letter
I wish I could have written it better
Maybe even told you myself
But I'll leave it on your shelf:

Anticipation
Delayed gratification
Impatience
For elation

In all my years and all my desires
Everything I've striven for
Groped, struggled and tried
So excited I couldn't sleep
Could think of naught else
For days, weeks, obsessed
With the fruits of success
The reward nearly grasped
Barely out of reach

Ultimately empty, each one
Mostly disappointments, even when won
Culmination of cultivated fires
Disappointments, liars

But those blissful nine months
And the years before, hopeful
When I could speak of naught
And I concentrated my thought

With momma, bless her light
Before she gave up the fight

For you, my darling
For you, my darling

Couldn't have prepared
Never even compared
With you, my darling
With you, my darling

Of all the realized prizes
In arbitrary sizes
The worthless committals
Then I saw you, so little...

Only you, my tiny girl
My angel, my pride
Have truly changed my world
Without you I've died

Sun moon and stars are a drop in the bucket
Next to the picture of you I keep in a locket

Only you, Ella my love
My precious, most important,
Sweet turtledove

P.S.

Sealed in an envelope
Hide it in her hope chest

And when the time comes
Once she lays me to rest

I've written on the outside

"To Ella, with love forever,

Open once daddy has died."

There was a time when I trusted myself
I trusted my conscience
And my mental health
At some point I, unbeknownst to me
Became suspicious of that clarity
I look in the mirror from the corner of my eyes
And if I had the choice I wouldn't believe my lies