decisions, decisions
you can toss the dice
and flip a coin
but which way is right
and which way is wrong
when the dice roll snake-eyes
and the coin lands sideface...
what then?
when you can lie no more
have to grow up
face the light
trust your heart.
but the heart is cruel,
sadistic,
greedy,
selfish.
is it worth it?
the world won't wait,
not forever.
decisions, decisions

new environment
you need to evolve,
adapt to survive.
just know yourself
understand yourself
hold on to yourself
because you are your best
when you accept yourself.
and most importantly:
love yourself.
don't change yourself
don't hide yourself
no one can love a costume,
a mask,
a fake,
a mannequin.
be yourself
because people will admire that.
it takes courage
it's not easy,
but it's best
and it's right.
so do yourself a favor...
find yourself

together we grew,
but you left
before I was done.
hopped over a boundary
a wall that kept you from me.
I still looked for you
saw you when I could,
but time wore on
and you came less.
you cut out the day
that celebrated
our relationship,
our difference.
and now,
when you should've been home,
you stay away again.
instant confusion
swirled with pain
are baked with pie in oven.
anger results, mother cries, father sits and comforts,
as the bearer of bad news.
mind numb, heart pounding
resounding desbelief
do my ears deceive?
what happened?
what have you done?
why?
questions pour
from lips faster
than thoughts themselves
can form them.
to this moment,
I cannot tell your condition
cannot assist in your struggle...
but above all...
I still don't know why
every day you suffer in your self-induced agony
and I don't think you know
that every hour of your torment
is a lifetime for me.
and I still can't know
whether by needle
or by spoon
this medicine is always bitter.
please
Victoria
big sister
just this once
come home

the world is waking up
to a new light
a rejuvenating warmth
spring
that perfect temperate time
without the searing heat of summer
and winters frigid climes
a beautiful renaissance in nature
green buds sprout from tips of trees
15 years before
your gentle breezes
and light, warm air
cradle me
as I come into the world

oh, fair winds,
bring me to my destination
across the vast pond.
******* forward
fill my wings with your sweet kiss
and let me fly
your embrace is my haven,
my sanctuary from the day's worries

I need you at my back,
to steer the ship of my life
in a safe direction,
blowing away the foul weather.
strong,
but gentle,
like a newborn's mother,
you do not break my masts
nor tear my sails.

if only I could fly
I would unfurl my wings,
exposing myself to your sweet breath,
and ascend among the clouds

I would soar among the birds,
watching, from outsretched wings
my flight-carriers uplifting me,
with your aid

imagine seeing the world
the fakeness of the cities,
metal & concrete
the uniformity of the suburbs,
monotonous and unchanging
great forests and deserts,
wild and untamed
nothing could hide from me
with my ever-watchful eye
and my palace in the clouds

let me know
when you come home
because i'm tired
tired of waiting
tired of watching
tired of just sitting on the sidelines
tired of your flirtatious boredom
tired of showing you all you need is here
and watching as you're hurt
again
and again.
so i'm sorry
but i cant stay awake any longer
so close the door softly
when you come inside
kiss my forehead
and try not to wake me
as you settle in bed
just let me know when you're ready
to come home

Love a girl who writes,
          and live her many lives;
          you have yet to find her,
          beneath her words of guise.

Kiss her blue inked fingers,
          forgive the pens they marked.
          The stain of your lips upon her—
          the one she can't discard

Forget her tattered memories,
           or the pages others took;
           you are her ever after—
           the hero of her book.

When i first met you
near north on the compass
i was awestruck
by your openness and grace
so evident
by this first chance meeting.
i was hooked within the month.
that's always how its been for me,
i fall in love easily.
simply terrified, i didn't know what to do
what to think
i had never felt real love
true love
boundless love to the infinity that i did with you.
and it took a while, but i finally built the courage
to tell you how i felt
and that's as far as i got
for a while.
i was naive
i didn't know that silence means go away
or that it could be intended as a mercy
leaving would have been smart
but wisdom and love don't always mix
opposing magnets, they are both positive.
and so it came to pass,
that several long months later
in the warmth that told of goodbyes
i asked you out
and you made me euphoric
when you whispered yes
but i was shattered
when your fingers wrote no.
and that was all i could hear,
for the remainder of the year
your 'no'
scattered amongst sympathetic refuse and broken glass...
i waited
and lied
and silently cried
hiding behind this mask of a smile that was never really mine.
to this day, you are my friend
and to this day, i cant blame you
for anything
because heartbreak, like a doting child
follows you wherever you run
no matter how hard you try to escape.
ill always be here for you,
even if i can barely look at you,
because the only true remedies
for wounds like these
lie in distance
and not in polyromanticism

i see you standing there
unreachable
untouchable
untasteable.
we sit here with our monstrous separation,
alone
writing our futile love stories
on paper napkins
and after we are done,
all that remains
of our coffee shop romances,
our abandoned dreams,
is the ashes and dust
of one-hundred frigid fireplaces.
even though
they weren't quite so hopeless
as we guessed.
we encourage
when maybe we are the ones who need encouragement.
we belittle
when maybe we ourselves have been belittled.
herein lies a lesson in division
in solidarity
in passion
in apathy
in futility
in conquering the ******* stars.
i stand here
as i stand there
and you are the gap
that lies between myself.
one for one,
a sobering realization that inebriation still isn't everything.
remove the labels we cast
and everything is uniquely similar
we are people!
unity already exists,
we just told it not to.
similarly unique,
yet not individually so.
nothing happens;
without its first prompt.

i'm
sorry
that i'm not smart enough
to change
even though
i said
i would.
human nature
is one hell
of a drug.

I see you in the halls,
I know you see me too
and I can't help but wonder:
why?
what do you see?
you're so much better than me.
when I touch you
my stomach overturns
with the soft fluttering
of delicate, heart-shaped butterflies
it never lasts long
but it always happens.
you mean the world
to me
you are everything
to me
you warm me,
despite incurable chill
you are the dawning Summer,
sweeping away the rains of spring.
but sometimes
in the small moments
of night before I close my eyes,
I wonder
what if?
what if I tried too hard?
what if you stopped seeing me,
as we pass in the halls
I doubt myself.
I doubt that the ethereal strength
of my tainted soul
could endure such
unfathomable torment.
willpower is brittle
and things break,
that do not bend.
and as finger strikes key
after key
I wonder if you will read this
and wonder at the length
of this piece
this poem...
feelings like these do not come lightly
and the passion never fades.
so know now
this great extent,
and know that I
will always be here
in this work
because
feeling is timeless,
thought boundless,
and writing limitless,
so it becomes my tool,
my vessel,
the capsule to contain me
in my emotion
for you.