If there is nothing there, why does it hurt so badly?
If it's all in my mind, I'd reprogram myself gladly.

If this is my fate, I will live it, sadly.

On and on I repeat -
If there is nothing there -
why does it hurt so badly?

I always broke myself with the chasing,

The touching...
But everything was so shiny and new.

I was on the sparkle path!

And it was so much better than the darkness and chaos that I left in my wake.

I wanted to find something better that could protect me and fend off the weather.

Some beautiful bastion of hope.

Maybe a white knight on a fiery stead.

Or a tower way up high filled with knowledge and power.

I started rushing this way and that, collecting artifacts and maps

like a kender filled to the brim with wanderlust and want...

But not all existences are sustainable and I spread myself ever so thin with searching for something outside myself.

I tried to find things and press them into me...
wrap them around me...
find terms so that people could see me...
but I was already there and I didn't understand it.

I  couldn't find a solace from the storm if I was too
blinded to see that the natural disaster was me.

It tore me apart from the inside out...
the core became so frail from reaching this way and that...
tatters of myself left strewn apart so disconnected and thin.

I would say ribbons, but it wasn't that pretty.

I am chaos and disorder,
trying to find focus and a steadying of mind...

they say the eye of the storm is quiet and calm.

I shrunk back to my core and built up walls around me.
From the eye of the storm I was able to see that there is no you,
there is only me.

thought you would be here by now,

It feels like eternities and eons are twisting around in my stomach,

It's like I can feel you coming to me,
Through space and time on your journey,

Through the aether and the unknown
I feel your breath in the wind,
Your sight in the light

Where are you?
Where are you?

The mist is in the way,
The shadows feel here to stay.

Can you hear me?
Can you feel me?

More hopes dim each day,
When my head is down to lay


It gets harder and harder without you here,
I thought you would be with me
I expected these battles to be fought by your side,
shoulder to shoulder,
partners in vibe,

I can't see you,
or touch you,
or tell you my love,

The battles that I am winning don't feel like enough.


I am sick of delay,
of hopes and dreams.

I need this actualized,
lest all my feels, be realized,
I am terrified, locked in my place.

But I know,
what's left is breaking the daze and the fog I applied to the mind...

When after so many search attempts,
there was no you to find.

I am gathering my things,
paying my dues.
Processing my mind,
that was reduced to mere fumes.

I will go on my way,
with my strength through the darkness.

I know the last trials will seem like the hardest.

I am going to go where my soul finds song,
and maybe that's where you and I belong.

You're left in awe
of the majesty of it all
But I'm just a craterous soul
a gigantic gaping hole
In remain from projectiles before
A knowing eye will abhor.

I didn't want you to see me like this...
still crippled from the fall,
I haven't bothered to put myself back together
thinking that you were far away
and nobody but me saw my shame
I was still a crumpled, broken mass in bedsheets
when you saw me laying there
it was obviously too much to bear
I'm sorry I had to share
I thought maybe you'd care...

You're not the same person you were seven years ago
And neither am I

I wrote you a little letter, it starts with "P.S *******!", so messed up about it I preface with postscripts.