It's 11:11
I don't know what to wish for
So many things I want
But only 60 seconds to say them all

Anyways
I know they'll only be in vain

It's 11:11
And honestly
I'm really done with today
with yesterday
And tomorrow

It's 11:11
I don't know what to feel

The end of the day
Slowly yet ****** approaching
And I have done nothing

Regret and guilt eat me alive
Grief for the time I have lost
Wasting

Things were there
Waiting to be done
Calling my name out in vain
Taunting me
And I ignored them

Remorse

For today
I feel as though
I have accomplished
Nothing
I'm sorry

Are you familiar
With the story of Sisyphus?

Do you ever feel
Like you are pushing the rock up the hill
A rock filled with desire
The weight of the world
Waiting for it to finally reach the top
So it can be taken care of?

Are you too
Pushing
And pushing
And almost giving up?

When you get to the top
Does it fall back down
                       Every
               Single
         Time
Too?

Does is sadden you
To know that he never succeeds
Even at the end of the story?

Well I made up a new one for you:

Climbing
Climbing
Whole body sore

Trying
Trying
He doesn't want to try anymore

Day
After day
The story seems miserable
Until one

This day
Susyphus climbed
And pushed
And climbed
And pushed
And remembered how all the other days
It was to no avail

"I'm done!"
He thought

He was ready to stop pushing the rock
And let it fall on him
Crushing his body
Ending his heartbreak
But he didn't

He thought what if
That maybe that day
He would finally make it

So he pushed
And when he was at the most pain he had ever felt before
Made it to the top
He felt it would fall
Like any other day
But he saw a hand reach out
Helping him with his rock
And voice coming his way
Saying comforting words
Encouraging him

And what happened to the rock you may ask?
Well...



It stayed

One day it will appear again
Life will build up
But he succeeded
And he deserves his momentary happiness

She just told me
The same thing everyone else did
"Try meditation
don't be on your screens after 8
Drink tea
Don't eat"
And I've tried even more things
None it worked
They never work
For as long as I remember
I have had to stare up at the ceiling fan
And wish to sleep
To rest
But I never could
And I fear I never will
I really want that to change
But the same old advice
That everyone gives for this
Simply doesn't work for me

Dear, Monster Of A Being

Hello,
I just wanted to tell you
That I hope
The next time you take a chocolate chip cookie
All the chocolate chips
Turn out to be raisins
I also hope
That your allergic to grapes

You're welcome,
Your Secret Hater

I could almost look normal
If every 5-20 minutes
I go to the bathroom to
Cry
Breathe
And take a break

Dear, Someone

I hope you heart will heal
Your soul freed
The life life you want
No longer out of reach
Your ideas set free
And your mind at ease

If these have already happened to you
Which I don't know
How did you do it?
Oh how I would like to know

I hope you respond
In some way or another
In the meantime though
Good morning, afternoon, or night
And I wish you the best
For the rest of your life

From,
A stranger

Feeling as if I
Am fraud lying to me
About everything
Sometimes

Hard to explain
But I can't help feeling this way

I feel as though I am being watched
I know I'm not
No one can see through my eyes
No one can see through my head

You might think this scary
But it's not
I want to be watched
I want someone to know
That way
They can believe me
That way they can understand me

And I can stay silent

You took a blade
And you stabbed my back, heart and my brain
Made me so confused and hurt
Now bad feelings always lurk
Especially when something reminds me of you
The problem is
I've known you forever
So everything reminds me of you

The worst part
Is that you're too blind to see any of it
I never got a single apology
And I know if one day that you ruined for me
Would be on repeat until you got it right
You'd be stuck forever
You don't see your problems
Those problems are a big part of me now
So I guess
You don't see me
Do you?
Not at all

I am so mad
And I know anger is other emotions wearing a mask
So here are they:
Sad
Hopeless
Depressed
Frustrated
Scared
And more that don't even have words
Mostly them

Sitting on my cozy chair
With my blanket
And on top it it
My cat

It's the first time
I've ever used the fireplace
Since we moved to this house
It's wonderful
I wish to have a fire every night

If only
My mind would be as calm as the fire
And as bright

You took my vision of the world
my childhood
And how I think
And crumbled it before me
You were just thinking of yourself
For yourself
You did these things
Manipulated me
Until I questioned myself
And what I could see
Often I didn't see you stabbing me
For you had taken my eye
An I for an Eye is what happened
Don't even try to lie

I am not ambidextrous
I am anti-dextrous
Neither of my hands can do anything good

I am not golden brained
I am blue brained
Neither side can tell what it's going to be with you
Mania?
Depression?
Anger?
Who knew?!?

I am not ambipedal
I am anti-pedal
Neither of my feet can run away in time

When I'm asked
"Are you an introvert of an extrovert?"
I respond
"It depends who I'm with"

Well,
I may not have many friends,
Pick my skin until it can't stop to bleed
Have a father that makes me want to kick and scream
And have anxiety
But hey,
At least the sky looks pretty!

There's no way I can describe this feeling
Except for bad

Some may call it
Depressed
Sad
Angry
Unmotivated
Overwhelmed
Anxious

Unfortuna­tely, there's no word for all of the above
So yeah, bad
I hate to feel bad

Piles and piles
Tears and years
My soul represented through colors
Paintings
Ever since I was 6
It's all right Infront of me

Going through the basket
Remembering what I felt when painting this or that
Seeing myself get better and better
From scribbles
To, well, better scribbles
With detail
And color
Both have feeling

Sometimes I forget when I painted something
But I can tell from what I did
From the shapes and colors
That bled from my brush
Or my hand
Or anything I found fit

One basket
Holds my story

One basket
Showing the real me

One basket
Showing how I've been changing

And I went through it
Wow
What a journey

There is something about bathroom stalls
That is just so comforting
No one can see me
No one can hear me cry
I can finally breathe
And sit there
Tears rolling down my cheeks
And hands over my ears
Trying to block out all incoming sound
Making patterns in my head with the tiles

Every place has one
Bathroom stalls are my consistent safe space
And I know it sounds stupid
But I don't know what I would do without them

Nothing is ugly
Like nothing is beautiful

These are mere ideas
Just concepts really
Opinions

So when we could easily be
A beautiful concept
We choose to use the word
"Ugly"

Both are wrong
Both are right

You decide
Which one you call yourself
In the mirror tonight

Because the world is round
the wind is high
And the sky is blue
I cry

Why is it
That after every social gathering
My thumbs return home
Bleeding?

If only the characters I read about in books
Were actually alive



Oh how much more
Would I love this world

I know that you see things
As the remix
Or maybe the movie version
That instead of all the good parts getting left out
It's the bad ones
You don't remember any of it
And you caused it
And I remember all of it
It's engraved in my head
I can't pick it off
Like I pick off my skin
I can't ignore it
Like I can't sleep
And I can't pretend it's okay
Like it wasn't abuse
Yes
You didn't beat me
But you still bruised me
And whenever I move
I ache

The noise
Overwhelming
The mind
Racing
The anxiety
Coursing
The calm
Sinking
The food
Inedible
The people
Loud
The loneliness
Skyrocketing

Cafeteria

Don't cry
Just breathe
In----out
Relax
Everything's okay
So what if you don't sleep?
You'll be okay
You've done it before
Just don't cry
Don't run
And only scream silently
Because no one has to know

Life is like candy
You first must open the wrapper
Then get the sweets inside
And when it's all over
All the different layers and phases
You die
Most people get stuck on step 1
And unfortunately then skip to 3
But to get number two
You have to be more than lucky

Cars
Are
Where
All
The
Bad
Things
Are
Brought
To
Light

Always
So­mething
Life-changing
To say

Always
End
Up
Crying

I
Fear
Stepping
Into
Cars
Now

I
Can't­
Leave
Them

Lying on the bed
My friend sound asleep on the other side
And her cat that runs away from family comes
And lays next to me
Rubbing against me
Asking me to pet her

It makes me feel okay
It makes me feel home

Everything
Is at least
A little bit better

I'm telling you
Cats always know

People are so strange

I was messaging one person on here
About some struggles that we both face
It was a pleasant, polite conversation
Very normal if you ask me

He asked me questions
And I answered and asks ones back
Normally

The thing that was weird
Was that when I said my age
(Honestly)
And he saw I was a child
He just said
"Bye bye"

That's okay with me
I don't talk to people who don't want to talk to me
I just didn't know children and adults couldn't have conversations
Oh well
Thanks for educating me

I would prefer
That he would seem completely
Bad

But I got a really confusing mix
That makes me head go crazy

He knows how to manipulate
Without seeming manipulative

Word things
So that you can't say no

And tell you untrue statements
Until you feel you don't even know what you know

But he does it in a way
That looks ever so innocent

He does it in a way that looks as if
he's in the right
Like the victim to an unheard of crime

It confuses me
And though I know he's wrong
And that he lies
It messes up my mind
All the time

I would prefer
That he would look completely
Bad
Than whatever this is

It means almost nothing to me when it is said someone loves my curly hair
It means almost nothing to me when people say they love my green eyes or anything else


The best compliment I have ever received is
"Liana, you're so weird, but in the very best way!"

I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

I know little me would have been confused because I thought big kids don't cry
Only daddy did
Every night
Even then I knew he wasn't big
I guess


I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

She doesn't know how to help me
I relate to that honestly


I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

She's sad that she's sees herself in me
I don't know why
Why
Why

To return home
Alone in your bedroom
Where no one can see you
And to finally let yourself cry
Screaming silently into the night

My bedroom is dark


Like the place my mind takes me to when I wonder off

I fear you
Everyday
Every moment
You're a silent scream
always taunting me
You're unpredictable
Will I see tomorrow?
Will they see a tomorrow?
Why am I still in bed worrying
When there's a whole world?
I fear the last times
The last times I don’t even know are last times
My head takes me to places no one wants to go
You take them away from us
Anyone has the power to use you
We have to trust each other
But not too much
to avoid you

Dear death,
How dare you?

Dear thoughts/brain,

I need a break
Please shut up
For me to love us
I need you to go away

Stop flooding my brain
Its overflowing
Soon it will explode
Please
I beg if you
Even just for a day
Take a hike
Or entertain yourself some other way

I know you like to watch me fall apart
Drown in your result
But it's too much today

Respectfully
Lock yourself  up
And throw out the key
For me

With mixed feelings,
You

I don't know much about death
Except that it takes your loved ones
It is a big question mark
Taughting me
Constantly

I think
Our brains
Simply can't
Comprehend
That they one day
We won't be there

I don't know much about death
But I know
For some it might be loud
A gunshot the last sound they here
And for some it might be quiet
Alone in world with their last tear

I don't know much about death
But I know
For some it might be at age 6
A very tragic thing indeed
And for some at age 90
Holding the hands of their children
Maybe just as tragic

I don't know much about death
But with great sadness I know
That while some stay until they can't anymore
Some want to go

Death
Holds suspense, grief, and longing
In the palm of his hand
And he boasts it

"why are you always bleeding?"

"Did you get in to a fight?"

"Who did this to you?"

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

I want to say:
"Dermatoliomania"

But I say
"Nothing
I'm okay"

They don't need to worry about me
I'm almost decent as can be...
Sometimes

I want to distract myself
Not think about the horrors that keep me awake at night
Memories replaying
Over and over again

But the hurt silently shouts to me
"You can't drown me out"

Walking in the snow
Cold and wet
Lugging your broken suitcase up hill
Can really get you out of your head

Do I write too much?
All of these words
Accumulating so fast
Just waiting to be let out
They're getting clasutrapjobic
What can I say?
I wish I would stop
I ask them if I may
They say no
Not in a harsh tone
But just one saying that they need to be let go
"Okay" I tell them
It feels good after all
But do I write too much?
The question still stands tall

Dear Faby,

If you are reading this
I am very mad at you
You promised
You wouldn't look for me on here
I showed you some of my poetry
But all that I was willing to share
The rest is too personal
For your ears

I love you
My dear friend
But please don't continue reading
It's an invasion of my privacy