I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case

Stand there
On the grass covered with a coat of snow
Smell the cold
Feel the peace
Touch the white that fell on the chair in the backyard

It's uncomfortable
I'm wet and shivering
But loving every second

Memories of snow days
When I was little
Flood back to me like a tsunami
It hits me
Except I like it

Suddenly
I'm making snow angles
Building snow men
Watching soft cold comfort fall from the sky
Hearing the fact that every single snow flake is different
And being absolutely mesmerized

I remember sticking my tongue out
Trying to catch one
Trying to taste the wonder of those flakes

Now, many years later
I stick my tinge out again
Waiting for a snowflake to fall----
But it doesn't come
It doesn't land where I want it to
I'm older now
Things have changed
I miss the way they once were
When things still weren't great
But at least
I got to taste the snow flake

You can take photos of people
Things
Moments

I wish you could capture feelings too
So I can look at my smiling self
And remember that I I've done it before
So I can do it again
In moments like these
Where I feel that this terrible feeling
Will never end

Snow flakes fall
Look like they will stick to the ground,
Build up
Make something wonderful

But when they finally reach it
They melt
They go away
Like my dreams of building a snow man

To a stranger
I might look weak
Crying at 11:00pm
Outside in the cold
Headphones on

I might look crazy
Spinning
Reaching out to the far away stars
Standing on a tree stump in front of a random house
My favorite place to be
Waving at every passing airplane
Wondering if they're waving back to me

Maybe a bit strange
For most teens don't go outside to walk
Especially so late at night
Alone
For that

But I know
If I was the stranger
Looking out their bedroom window
Watching
I would smile

The year is almost over
The worst one I ever had

The year is almost finished
And it will never again make me mad

The year will fly away soon
And it will never come back

I hope that when it leaves
It takes my sorrow with it too
And it makes my life get back on track

Once should have been enough
"Stop
...
Please stop"

I shouldn't have to say it 11 times
I shouldn't have to count
Yell
Or cry
Still to no avail
You're truly blind

"Stop"
It should be enough
To say once

Maybe I shouldn't even have to say it at all
Maybe he should have learned these simple things by now
Nevertheless
I need to

"Stop"
I try

"Stop"
I sob
...
It's in vain

When it's dark
If you put a light
Is it light or dark?
What if the light is very soft?
What if the dark is big?
What is dark?
What is light?
Where do you draw the line?

It's crazy to me
How one day
You can go to a crate
Say "this one"
And you'll have 15 years
Of joy
Just like that

Pure happiness
In a being







Until one day





















They die

I know I am lucky though
To have something so great
That I would grieve for

"why are you always bleeding?"

"Did you get in to a fight?"

"Who did this to you?"

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

I want to say:
"Dermatoliomania"

But I say
"Nothing
I'm okay"

They don't need to worry about me
I'm almost decent as can be...
Sometimes

One lonely night
Unable to sleep
Thoughts taking over
Exploding my brain
I wrote a poem for the first time
For me

One lonely night
When I discovered what writing did to me
Didn't sleep a wink
I just wrote and wrote
A sewer to the anxiety flooding me

One lonely night
I wanted to feel less alone

One lonely night
I wanted to read a poem
From the average person
Like me
Just trying to make though it each day

One lonely night
I came across Hello Poetry
And for fun
I submitted a poem
Not knowing
How this website would change me

I sit on a tree stump
And stare at the sky
Look at the stars
And reach out to mine

Music filling my heart
My jacket beside me
I like the uncomfortable cold

I wave at planes going by
They say "goodbye new jersey" in their waves
And I say back
"Goodbye"
They don't even know it

Shivering
Crying
Looking lost and strange to any stranger
Yet I feel so free

Too many things to get done
They overflow my brain
Made me feel like I need to punch something
And walk
Walk far far away

I tell my mother
And plead
I know it's late
But I need this for me

She says
"Max four blocks"

I seem to teleport outside
It couldn't take a shorter amount of time for me to leave

I walk
Blast my music
And I take off my jacket
Even though it's cold
Even though it makes me shiver
I need to feel something
Even if that's all it is


Music intensifies
I want to run
And I'm done holding back
Acting normal
Acting calm
So I run
As fast as I can
Hands in the air
With the occasional spin

What a powerful feeling
The night is mine
The sky is on my side
And I can run

I smile
The most genuine smile
In weeks
Maybe months
While I cry

I
Feel
Alive

For the first time
In what feels like forever

Trying to tell
If the glimmer in their eye
Is the beginning of a tear
They are choking back,
Their wonder,
A yawn,
Or dust

Out my window
Is darkness
Where there used to be light

Bare trees
Where there used to be colorful leaves

Houses
Filled with memories

And the sky
Holding nothing
And everything

I look up at it
Think of poetry
And wonder
All the whys

I look up at it
Try to find the star that I made my dog's the day he died
Try to feel okay
Try to be calm

I feel so small
Which is what I am
Just a microb
In this big
Scary world

I wonder
What the view
From their window
Looks like
For everyone else
In this very same neighborhood
Maybe even same street

Maybe looking at the same house
Same blade of grass
But seeing things entirely differently

Nothing is ugly
Like nothing is beautiful

These are mere ideas
Just concepts really
Opinions

So when we could easily be
A beautiful concept
We choose to use the word
"Ugly"

Both are wrong
Both are right

You decide
Which one you call yourself
In the mirror tonight

If we all different
That means we're all the same

If we are dumb
That means
Thinking we are smart and being wrong
Is easy

If we all think outside of the box
We all think inside the box

They say good always beats evil
So when we grow up
We get disappointed again and again

It's not often
That I can't find words for something

Though often
I see them
Except I can't pick them up and order them
There's a glass barrier in the way

When I can't use words
Is when there something big to say

I just need a moment to contemplate
And order my brain
To find the best tool
To smash the glass getting in the way

She said in the video
"I know you'll go through with it
Because that way
When you look at this video in the future
you can say that at the very least"

"I'm sorry"
I respond

It wasn't fun anymore
Just hard
It was no longer my dream

I didn't stay on the travel team

I'm sorry
Dear child

I'm sorry
I couldn't breathe
Anymore

"I didn't keep going with it"
My heart hurts saying that to her
Looking in her eyes
Makes me want to cry

"I'm sorry"

Cars
Are
Where
All
The
Bad
Things
Are
Brought
To
Light

Always
So­mething
Life-changing
To say

Always
End
Up
Crying

I
Fear
Stepping
Into
Cars
Now

I
Can't­
Leave
Them

The sky
Has finally
Let itself cry
Finally
Put itself first
And I'm not angry about it

I can be covered in rain
As long as I know
It's just the sky
Doing what everyone deserves to do

Everyone needs to cry sometimes
Doesn't matter
What gender
Or if you are up so very very high
You deserve to cry

Dear sky,
Thank you
For always being there for me
And everyone else
When they cry

Dear sky,
It's okay
Let it all out
I don't mind

Going about the day
Tiresome or exhilarating the same
Becomes unbearable
When the knowledge
Breaks the window to your head
That you have school tomorrow
You don't get write, read, walk, or create all day
You just sit there
Listening to and then discarding useless information

D(r)ead.

The heart
Is not an *****
As many think

The heart is a muscle

Does the fact that mine was crushed far too often
Make it weak
Or make it strong?

Isn't it strange
How we are all living on a random sphere
In the middle of a nothingness
Thats also everythingness
and has trillions of other giant yet tiny spheres too?

I'm not hurt
Because of what you did

I'm hurt
Because you didn't tell me

You ring in my ear and my mind
You were too loud
And I was forced to be around you too long

           "S

                             h
    r
                   e
   e
             e
                       e
              e
                      e
      k"

You go In your haunting voice with your haunting actions
Yet another thing if yours
With a result that makes me feel bad

I want to distract myself
Not think about the horrors that keep me awake at night
Memories replaying
Over and over again

But the hurt silently shouts to me
"You can't drown me out"

Take your dominant hand
And put it on your heart
Say to yourself
"You're not alone"
Because you aren't

Think about how many other people
From all around the world
Who did this while reading this very poem
How they came to it
How they came to this website
And wonder what's going on in their world

The sky looks like them---
Just waiting to burst out in tears
Scream
And collapse

Hands covered in scars
And I know
It's my fault

I wonder
Who could ever love them?
They are just a reminder
Of what I've done
And that isn't beautiful
At all

Blood isn't beautiful
Injuries aren't beautiful
Especially when I'm the cause

People
Want
Perfect

But I want to be loved like a hot pepper
For my flaws
Even when they aren't pleasant
Or beautiful

Unfortunately
I'm not a vegetable

Feeling as if I
Am fraud lying to me
About everything
Sometimes

Hard to explain
But I can't help feeling this way

Blow the on the dandelion
I pick from the ground
Watch my wish fly away
Going everywhere
Landing all around

It's the same wish I've always had

I wish while I blow out birthday candles
On 11:11

So many wishes wasted
On an impossible thing
On an impossible person

I wish my wishes wouldn't be wasted
On you

Depressed and angry at the world
I put a pencil between my teeth
My last resort
I hope with all I have
It will make me feel better

Tell me about your problems
Not that serious but I listen
Glad to of course
Honerd that you wanted to speak to me

But then you went and ruined it

I wanted to say something about myself and you said
"But it doesn't relate to me "

Somewhere over the rainbow
There's peace
I just need to find someone
Any kind person
To take the journey with me

For some
When the clock hits midnight
The new day has started
They're in their bed all cozy and asleep
And then they're people like me
Where the terrors have just begun

Now is the time to pay
For the work you have procrastinated from
And the feeling locked up

At midnight most of the world resembles my thoughts----
Dark
Which never helps much

12:00 the clock reads
My head messes with the number as it always does
1+2=3
Three is a bad number
But twelve can be divided by six
And equal two
Two is a good number
Obviously

I hate math
But my head does this with times such as midnight
And generally bittersweet things

Memories of walking around in circles during recess
12345678
12345678
I repeated until it was over

Midnight feels unreal
But too real at the same time

Midnight
I wish I was asleep
But I'm kind of afraid to be
How can I be so tired, but not sleepy?

Midnight
You confuse me

Thoughtswhat'sarewrongpilingwithover,mystopheadnow

I like to believe
That even the loneliest and least understood people
Have a star in the sky
That listens as much as you need
Gets you
And loves you

This star
Is just yours

Since you're basically one
When you hug yourself
It's like the star is hugging you
Wrapping it's brightness so tight
The darkness barely even leaks out

When the world *****
When you die
When you change
And when you cry
The star cares for you

Even in daylight
It's hiding there

Even when the star sees all the you do from up above
It loves you
And tries to help you
You just have to listen to the silence
And you maybe
Just maybe
Won't feel so alone anymore

In and out
Out and in
Trying to catch my breath
Stop my momentary calm from flying away
But they escape me

I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I tell myself
But I can't breathe
And tears are rolling down my cheeks
I don't feel that way at all

My head will explode soon
Or collapse in on itself
I don't know what to do
And this was all just caused by living
And doing the simple things it requires
Why can't I seem to do them?
I everyone else do it
It shouldn't be this hard

I can't breathe

Help
But don't look at me
Hear me
Or tell me lies
Actually
Just go away

Friendless and strange
Hoping for change

Why can't I be like them?
It shouldn't be so hard
For them it comes naturally

Laughing
Hugging
Talking all day

I just watch with envy
Wishing I could be this way

I went up to a squirrel
Such a stressed creature
I asked
"What's wrong?"
For some reason he didn't answer me

Dear thoughts/brain,

I need a break
Please shut up
For me to love us
I need you to go away

Stop flooding my brain
Its overflowing
Soon it will explode
Please
I beg if you
Even just for a day
Take a hike
Or entertain yourself some other way

I know you like to watch me fall apart
Drown in your result
But it's too much today

Respectfully
Lock yourself  up
And throw out the key
For me

With mixed feelings,
You

Suicide
Parents dying
Crying
Crying
Crying

We're too young for this

Scissors cutting into skin
Not eating or eating too much
Kids raising parents

We're too young for this

Panic attacks
Everlasting loneliness
I pull off skin
They pull out hair

We're too young for this

Body dysmorphia eating so many alive
Social media getting them addicted and ruining their limited time
Feeling empty inside

We're too young for this

Psych wards
Abuse
People killed from war
War is old but it continues to destroy homes

We're too young for this

Sleepless nights
Death is a joke now
And so is autism

We're too young for this

Drug prevention lessons every week
It started in 6th grade
They don't help though at all

We're too young for this

Barely even teens
What happened to us?

I look up at the ceiling fan
The brownish red wood of the five blades
Three bulbs shining down on me

It looks perfectly clean
Even kind of happy

Then I look at the other side of those blades
And I see dust
Grayness piling over eachother
On the other side of those blades
Is the silent suffering
Sometimes spilling over the edges
Though barely visible

If you don't look closely
You might have no idea
Plus, it doesn't really matter
It still fans you
And helps you feel good


Do you ever feel like the fan?
Or are you a person in this situation?
What do you notice?

I want to write something beautiful
But my thoughts and my heart aren't there right now
And that's where I write from

So everything I write is messy and weird

And probably a little unhealthy

Maybe a little stuck too

My therapist told me
That you said
You wanted to be friends

She didn't understand how messed up that was

I don't want to be his friend
I don't need my father as a friend
I need him as a parent
And a good one at that

You choose your friends
I don't choose you

You're forced to be someone's child
Like I was to you
Except you want to be my friend
I don't want you

My mom had an escape
She divorced him
And even then
It took her a child
And 25 years

I'm stuck
He's in my bones
There's nothing I can do
Except choose not to be friends with him

I want to be his daughter
And for that he has to be my dad
Thats on him

Step one:
Be an adult

*Failed

I don't wake up in time
My mom is yelling at me
Loudly
But she doesn't even notice what she's doing
Or she doesn't care

I can't be yelled at by her
My eyes are beginning to water
My chest is getting tight
My tired cold body gets tense
I can't go to school like this
Not now at least

"Mom, can I go to school a bit late today?"
"No"
She says
She yells some more
I still think she doesn't know that she's yelling
"Mom, you're yelling"
I say calmly as tears leak out of my tired eyes
All I hear is anger and
Disappointment because her daughter is acting like someone her age and not someone who seems especially mature

"Liana, if you need to go to school late
You need professional help"

She means a psych ward
And I know it

No, no, no
Fear spreads through me like a virus
It takes control
It makes me power off
My screen is glitching
I don't work anymore

If I want to act like someone my age who got 3 hours of sleep I need to go to a mental hospital where I won't go to school at all?

As I get up out of bed
Run to the bathroom
To cry

I brush my teeth
Wash my face from the tears
But new ones spill out
They won't stop coming
It's a thunderstorm
It's been brewing for a while

Come back to my room
My mom in there doing something
I step into my closet to change

What am I doing?
She's your mother
she's your sane parent.
So many would wish for one like her
I think

After arguing
Crying
Explaining
She says
"I'll take you to school after my shower"
And now I'm writing

I can't go to school like this
I'm a thin plate
Just waiting to break
And school likes throwing things like me
So I'll split into a million little pieces
And maybe never put me back together

Even now
Many many years later
I still feel like the 2nd grader who sat under the slide and carved shapes into the mulch during recess
Sitting there
Watching everyone be normal
And just thinking thoughts