Maybe I'm so used
To the oblivious
That it's strange for me
To see the people who notice
And care

Is that why
When you asked me questions
I froze?

It's not that I don't want you to know
I just can't believe it
And don't expect it

I just need a moment
To shake it off
Before I tell

I'm sorry
I couldn't answer
I really didn't mean
To make you feel
Like you made me feel uncomfortable

I'm used to the ones
Who don't ask questions
And just ignore
Not the ones
Who think

Its hard for me
To speak about these things
Sorry

People ask me
Why I don't believe them
Why I can't trust that they won't lie

The reality is
I used to believe it all
That he would change
And that he won't the battle
With his drugs
And his anger
But then I saw it
I felt it
And that's why I cry

This is why
I refuse to hope
And I can't believe

I want to
I really do
I promise
I try

Why have fireworks
When you can see the stars?
They by themselves have so much light

Why have fireworks?
All I could see in the sky on new years
Was gray

Stars are out of our control
Something us humans haven't yet touched
They are beautiful
And far away
And we get to see them
That is something to celebrate

Why have fireworks
Man-made
And loud
Things to blow up

When you could see the stars instead?

Yesterday
I started the year
Walking

It was cold
Dark
Smelled of fireworks

When I walked
I thought about the terrible year
And all that it carried inside

I thought about the day of the divorce
The day with my dad in Tel-Aviv
The night I panicked so much
That I almost needed to go to the hospital
And all the times I told my cousins stories
While I put them to sleep

I thought about all of the terrible moments
And then I thought
...

It's over

I shout it silently
Jumping around and crying
Smile on my face

I did it
I survived all of it!
I am still alive!
I am fine!

Proud.

Then I think of death
And how this must be how it feels
Except not needing to go back
Not knowing what else
Is going to need to be endured

But at that moment
Though crying
And remembering all the terrible things
I  liked 2025

Some watched a movie
While the one I wanted to be awake was asleep

I thought to myself
"Really?
This is how you want the year to be?"

I wanted to start my year off walking
And running
And letting music move me
Which is the very best
And most infinite feeling

I want my year
To feel like my walks

They were whining about so many little things
They forgot why we were doing this

They forgot
How this is a congrats
For completing
The **** year
That was 2024

When a better time
To thinks about that
Then when high feeling
This powerful
Amazing way?

"Don't worry
Be happy"
Bobby tells me

"Don't worry
Don't do it
Be happy"
He tries

"I'm trying
But I can't"
I respond
My head hurts
Fingers throb
Brain overflows

"Don't worry
Be happy"
It's on loop
Like it always is
When I'm anxious
And able to

"When you're worried
Your face will frown
And that will bring
Everybody down"
He explains

"I'm sorry"
I sob