We've decided to stop seeing each other so much.

I am a little anxious about this decision 

Strangely you know more about me than anyone 

Yet I can't call you a friend 

I have to somehow walk a line of being completely vulnerable with you, but yet aloof 

I want to talk to you when things are rough 

But I have to learn to walk through them alone

That sounds so frightening, but its supposed to be good

The pen has become a stand in for you.

He is always available

Like you, he will not judge me

He makes me look deeply inside at what I'm feeling

You used to do that

Oh, I know we'll still check in every once in a while 

It seems like its time to find another new normal 

Still I think I'm going to miss my friend

Is there such thing as a perfect man?

A man that is strong and protective yet knows when to let me defend myself 

A man that can be sensitive, who hugs me and cries with me when I need it

A man that takes care of all my needs without making me feel completely dependent 

A man that laughs with me, not at me

A man that sees I'm complicated and want to be seen as intelligent and competent but wants to be taken care of like a little girl

Does he exist only in my mind?

Suddenly my breath is coming fast and shallow.
My mind is racing, "There's not enough room! We need more room!"
My fists are clenched so hard my knuckles are white.
My heart is pounding.
The bright red lights keep flashing in front of me.
They are all I see.
I close my eyes so I don't have to see those horrible red lights.
The inertia throws me forward
then gravity pushes me back again.
I can still see the red even with my eyes closed.
My thoughts keep cycling "please God, let it end, let me be safe, protect me one more time."
I need a distraction, but there is none.
Then I feel the car slow and pull into the driveway.
We made it home safely from the grocery store one more time.
Is this the way it will always be for me now?
Are my times of feeling safe gone forever?

BECOMING INVISIBLE

As light begins to fade
Color turns gray
What happened to the splendor
That in youth shown all around her?

The noon day light is bright
Radiant color catches sight
O' desirous eyes
And youthful minds

The day grows old
Dusk begins to take hold
She does not want to let go
Of the allure that she has known

Where does beauty go?
It disappears and she is gone
Where does beauty go
When the color has faded?
Behind gray she hides

In the darkness I reach out my hand to find you.
I stretch out my legs and you aren't there either.
You sense my searching for you, wake from your slumber, crawl up next to me and go back to sleep. 
Your soft fur and warm body are comforting.
I can feel your rhythmic breathing and your fast little heart beat.
I drift back into darkness. 

In the daylight you are always there,
Like my shadow
I hear the quick tick, tick, tick of your nails on the floor. 
When I look down you are always looking at me, tail wagging, waiting expectantly for whatever I'm doing next.
Sometimes I hear you start to panic if you can't find me.
When I sit you are right beside me snuggled against my leg to keep it warm. 
You are always happy to see me.
You are my constant companion.

How do you know me?

How do you see the parts that I hide from the world, the parts that I hide from even myself? 

I hide behind laughter 

I hide behind being the party girl

I long for acceptance 

I long for what might have been.

But how can I get that if no one knows the scared little girl I am.

But somehow you see me.

How do you know my soul?

How do you know me?

I am held as a hostage
I cannot make a move
Your silence, your inconsiderate behavior makes me immobile
I thought we had plans
My day was arranged around that idea
How long does it take to send a text that says I can't make it, 30 seconds or less?
I don't even need an excuse
Just a release so I can have the hours of my day back
It costs you nothing but until you decide to release me I am a hostage.

I don't want to commit 

I see you have worked to put something fun together 

I have no idea how much time, thought, energy or money you put into it

Frankly I don't care

Something better might come up 

I wouldn't want to miss out on that if it happens 

I don't even recognize that it won't cost me a thing except a commitment, but I can't give those

Surely your feelings won't be hurt

It doesn't matter anyway

I don't want to commit

Memory is all that's left
Of the woman I've loved
More than any other

I have a confession to make
I have a friend I am not very nice to
Everyday I tell her horrible things
I tell her that she is not very pretty
After all, she is getting old
She also doesn't work hard enough,
She really does need to do more
She isn't very smart because she didn't go to college
No wonder she doesn't have an impressive career
It must be true otherwise she would be told more often by those that love her
They tell her, but clearly they don't say it often enough
But yet she still tries so hard to make me happy
Every time I need her she is there
Every time I look in the mirror she always looks back at me
I need to be a better friend to her

My emotions are so confused
Our family now has a hole that cannot be filled
Too soon, SHE has gone away forever

Your sadness was unbearable to me
and only increased my own sadness
I am delighted to see you smile again
I need to see you happy
Elated that you have found someone that can once again make you whole
But I know she can never fill the hole
that was made when SHE went away

She will sit in all of the places that SHE has vacated
But she can never take HER place
Thankfully she is respectfully not trying to fill HER space
She knows that can never be

We will love her
But it will be in a different way
It is clear that she loves you too
And that makes me happy

Why did YOU go away too soon?

How did I end up here?

There are so many other ways I could have gone

But Google said this was a few minutes quicker

Was it complete inconsideration that brought us to this point?

Getting through this season is hard enough.

Since that day I have promised myself I would never be at this intersection 

I never wanted to go through it

Life changes in a flash at intersections 

I close my eyes to hold back the tears and pretend I'm not here.  That it didn't happen.

But you aren't here and never will be again.

Yet I remain at this intersection

Therapy comes
Healing starts
Expression is the release

Pain recedes
Experience the new
Normal by using the pen

This is the night.  The stage is set.  She is waiting for me.  I’ve been preparing for this night for what seems like my whole life.  Countless hours I have spent practicing and planning.  

Tonight’s performance will take me into adulthood.  I am nervous.  I am excited.  There are so many questions going through my mind.  Am I good enough?  Will she respond the way I want her to?  Will I have the stamina to make it all the way?  

I have played with so many other girls.  Some were easy.  Some I had to really coax to get their beautiful melody out of them.  But this one; this one is special.  The sounds she makes when I touch her excite me.  She responds magnificently to my caress.  She is beautiful.  I can’t wait to touch her smooth, ivory skin and her darker parts too; to feel her vibration under me as I stroke her.

It was all planned.  There would be moments of fast paced ecstasy with a driving rhythm.  Other times would be soft, slow and beautiful.  When I picture it in my mind it brings tears to my eyes.

The lights were low as I approached her.   There was a soft sound, like a sigh.  I ran my hands along her side then sat down to face her.  I allowed my hands to traverse the length of her body.  Was that a gasp? A smile crossed my lips.  It started slow.  We came together as one.  I played every part of her.  My body rocked as we got into it.  It was pure joy; all that I thought it would be.  My pulse was racing and excitement growing.  Everything went exactly as I imagined.  The room was filled with emotion and beautiful music.  

As we reached the ****** the crowd erupted with adulation.  It was not what they were expecting.  They came expecting to see a young man play an ordinary piano recital, put on by the local teacher, with lots of kids performing.  They received so much more.  I came to give them all I had to give, my heart and my future.  My piano and my music are my love.  This was my first solo piano recital playing professional level music.  I played for an hour.  It felt like a lifetime.  It was superb.  All my questions and doubts were answered, not only by the crowd’s response, but also by my beautiful piano.  My heart was filled.  At that moment I knew this is what I was meant to do for the rest of my life.

In the darkness the voices are so loud
They clamor to be heard, there are so many of them
They shout over each other, saying such contradictory things
Hurtful, shameful things
Please let them stop
I don't want to hear them

I open my eyes to the light
There is no one around
I am alone in my pain and grief and confusion
Where did everyone go?
So many voices, but no one to listen to mine

I cry from the loneliness, my eyes close around my pain
And it starts all over again

There's so much more to me than you see.

I am two people. 

Who do you want tonight?

I can be shallow.  

I can be feisty and difficult. 

I can party and have fun, even flirt with disaster 

I can be beautiful and seductive 

Buy me a drink and I'll show her to you.

Is that who you want?

Or do you want the quiet thoughtful woman?

I can be introspective yet curious about the world around me.

I long for intelligent conversation. 

I appreciate the beauty of art.

I can be happy curled up with a book and a blanket with a glass of wine listening to the rain and wind.

Somehow you get to decide who I am.

I don't have the power to choose.