Honesty is the best policy,
One we've chosen to abstain.
Honestly I'd rather you be honest with me;
Walking on eggshells we could refrain.

Tiptoeing around so we don't step upon the cracks in our floors,
Holding our breath tight so we don't breath in the thick truth-
God forbid we just speak honestly anymore,
God forbid we let all of the unsaid thoughts loose.

Honestly I can't say I know you like I once did,
And that's absolute fact.
All because we have absolutely forbid
Ourselves from a backtrack-

Backtracking to when we could actually talk without thinking before speaking
Or worrying about what we have said.
No worries of the truth leaking
From our honest hearts and heads.

I don't want your meaningless quips,
Your aimless remarks.
I prefered the small notes on slips,
Our conversations in the dark.

Honesty is the best policy,
A policy we tried and found true-
A policy we have declined to upkeep,
A policy we once knew.

She'll flinch at your hands moving from her waist to her lower back, back up to her neck and cheeks because it's been some time since she's been caressed by hands that are wandering to remember old terrain.

Try to decipher the goosebumps on her arms and thighs like Braille with your fingertips. What do you read? "I missed you"? "Don't go again"? "Stay"?

Maybe she won't meet your gaze immediately. It's oddly scary to look someone in the eye when you've seen them go dull from too much heartache. Instead, close your eyes and lean in. She'll close hers too, and you can feel the sadness melt away when your lips are almost close enough to hers.

She'll gasp ever so slightly when you finally kiss her. It'll feel like electricity in your lips and she'll be dizzy from anticipating this moment for so long. Her lips have lingered on coffee mugs and beer bottles, but haven't been warmed by another pair since you left. Reignite them with your own.

Hold her close and kiss what you can. She's timid but so lifted by the fact that you're here in her embrace. If she holds you too tightly, allow her this once. She's trying to make sure this isn't another one of her far fetched dreams that wake her in the morning.

She may be rough and kiss too hard, too fast. It won't always be like this, but she isn't sure if she'll be afforded the opportunity to feel your kiss again. She's feeding a hunger that's been growing since you said good bye.

If she clings to your frame when you say good night, whisper softly into her ear about how you'll be back. Come back, and kiss her again. Kiss her until you forget what day it is and how long it had been since you last kissed her. Kiss her good night but not good bye because there's a difference between the two and trust me, she knows. She knows the difference because you've kissed good bye before, and a good night would simply constitute to finding you once again.

Now that we speak again, it's only surface level-

"How was your trip?"
"That's cool, hope you had fun!"
"Hey what's up?"

A text here and a text there, fleeting eye contact and minimal genuine conversation keep our casualties down. We've already had so many when we attempted to dive deeper.

I sometimes swam in the blue of your eyes and swam alone when you left. I swam until my lungs gave out and I had to hit the bottom to know that I can only skim your surface at this rate.

Diving into your eyes didn't even take a second thought but left me with a thousand when not even your lips could convey what your eyes did-

Your hands and words and actions didn't say much about your love but your eyes did. They gave you away every time. Your eyes said it all and I'm trying to do the same now.

I'm sure my depths were dark and deep, too deep for you to endure. You're a shallow swimmer yet I almost made you learn how to swim by allowing you to love a girl like me by throwing you into the deep end of my mind where all the darker thoughts reside.

So now that we speak again, and you aren't struggling to stay afloat in some else's storm, I'll skim your surface and you skim mine.

"Hey how are you?" You might ask.

"I'm fine" I'll say.

Beyond the surface level I really am, because I know that you're only on the surface and that's far enough away from any of my demons to pull you down with them.

It feels so good to pour you out of my heart like a tipping pitcher-
At first, droplets. Then the entire wave.

I started small, dropping drips of you into my subconscious or even the bottom wells of where I care for people.

Eventually the drops became consistent, streaming into a stream of "I'm okay without you" and "I don't need you to love me".

The wave sloshed out of the pitcher when I decided I was happier holding myself above your love, the wave washed over any notion that maybe your love would somehow replace the lacking love I had for myself.

I poured you out and let the emptiness just be for once, and now I have an open spot where my own self love and support can become a sea that I can sail endlessly.

I used to think keeping your love within the walls of my pitcher heart would keep you 'round but really you ended up tipping me over the edge and I spilled out myself, made a mess and had to pick up my tear-soaked soul.

I had to look at why I would ever pour out all I am for someone like you, who could only pour out so much. I am full to the brim with love and I create a sea of it for people who don't know how to swim.

Pouring you out of my heart took time and patience, though I can see clearly you're on dry land now and I'd rather you rest easy as opposed to drowning in what someone else might be able to tread.

So I'm filling my heart back up and so far it feels pretty full. The pitcher doesn't leak now that I've patched up where you left cracks and dents. I've sealed the leaks with all you couldn't be-

My own self love, meandering the record store alone, buying myself the sunflowers and dark chocolate, putting on the dress because I want to look beautiful, holding my own hand when I feel lonesome, and telling myself that losing you only means my heart is open and vast like the sea.

My heart once poured out for you and like a cloud you can't return the rain, but I don't want to return what I poured out anyway. It was meant for you.

I'm a girl with a pitcher heart gathering what it is I'd like to pour out for someone else when the time is right. Instead of feeling like he's drowning in my monsoon love, he might think I'm the lemonade and pool on a hot summer day- refreshing, quenching, sweet and worth diving into.

So though you tipped me over, spilled me completely, you just left me empty enough to learn how to fill myself back up. Pouring you out of my heart felt so good when I came to see that you're a shallow swimmer who is afraid of depth,

And I simply figured my love for you was too deep to dive into.

I don't have enough peace of mind because I know that people I love and so many more have been ***** or assaulted.

9. I don't have enough time to tell you why **** culture perpetuates that my hemline means I'm asking for it.

8. I don't have enough ignorance to somehow accept and laugh at a **** joke.

7. I don't have enough tolerance for "we were wasted" and "she didn't say no".

6. I don't have enough audacity to ask people what they were wearing, if they were sober, if they had yelled for help, if they had said no when they were attacked. A victim is a victim.

5. I don't have enough strength to give to people who have been hurt like this- all the strength in the world sometimes is not enough.

4. I don't have enough comfort for people who have been hurt like this- how do you comfort someone who has been hurt in such a demeaning, invasive way? Is there comfort at all?

3. I don't have enough voice from my lungs to yell about why we need to teach our sons and daughters about what it means to consent, what it means to respect another human.

2. I don't have enough support for the people that come forward, yet I also don't have enough sympathy for the people that are too petrified.

1. I don't have enough words for how much my heart aches for survivors, and how much hope I have for the people out there who persevere and overcome what has happened to them.

For every reason I gave, I also know a person who has been assaulted or *****. Try to give me 10 reasons why I shouldn't put up a fight against **** and **** culture, against respecting others, against people who attack others. Try to give me 10 reasons why I shouldn't speak on behalf of people who sometimes spoke but were not heard by a blatant disregarding partner, stranger, neighbor, relative, parent, sibling, best friend, co worker, acquaintance. Try giving your 10 reasons to the 10 girls I know and then the 10 girls and even guys they know. Try telling a survivor that they asked for it, they wanted it, they should get over it, they should dress differently, they should let it go.

*I do not have enough fingers to count off the people I know that have been ***** or assaulted but I have enough humanity in me to fight the people that made me start counting in the first place.

Today it hit me that you saved my life,
And I cried.

It hit me that out love never coincided-
I wanted passion, you wanted respect.

I understood that your love
Was intended to support me

Until I could support myself-
Then, it would disappear.

My love prevailed and probably
Will until I die;

You don't stop loving someone
Just because you said good bye.

Our love didn't coincide,
And realizing that helped me see

That it never will.
You will always be you,

I will forever be me,
And we won't be an "us"

Or a "we" ever again.
Our love didn't coincide,

And understanding
Set me free

This is the time to find ourselves,
To stay up too late on the phone but wake up early to still watch the sunrise.
This is the time to be stupid and ignorant so we can learn.
This is our time to grow from childish mistakes and moments of self doubt.
This is inevitably the time to realize that the rest of our lives lay ahead of us and there are endless possibilities.
Now is the time for kissing the wrong people and crying about it later.
Now is the time for road trips and long conversations to take up the time.
It is time to jump off the cliffs and make your heart race so fast you can hear it.
Now is the time to be free and young and open and wide-eyed.
Now is the time to explore yourself and your beautiful world around you.
It is time. We only have so much of it. You don't need another person occupying yours, I promise. You need your own self admiration and love, your own sense of exploration and curiosity.
You may find someone and that's beautiful.
Loving someone is a beautiful thing, but remember that loving yourself comes first.
Remember that people come and go. Accept it.
You have to let them go as do they with you. It will always hurt. You may want to crawl back.
Hesitate. Make sure you know what you need, not what you simply want.
Make sure you understand that the time is always now, and you need yourself to utilize it.
You need you. Be there for yourself. Be your own best friend. Be your own role model. Be all you can be.
When should you start all this?
Now.