I'm always going to say I don't need help
I'm always going to cry by myself
I'll always push you away when I need you the most
When I need a hug I'll hug myself
It's the way I'm programmed
The way I grew up
I tell myself I don't give a ****
But I care about the child that had no one
The one that grew up way too fast
She is me and I am her
I'm still struggling to make her proud
So I'll just tell her that I have friends now
I have people who care
I have people I can run to
But most of the time I won't
I'll cry all alone just like before
I'll sob and wish for more
I'll wish that all this pain would go away
And I'll hope that one day I can make the kid in me proud
That I can let her out
That I'll ask for help more often
And admit when I can do it alone
But for now I won't ask for help
But I'll always go to the people I call my home
The people who are not blood but family
They understand the most
And when I need them they'll be close
They'll hug me when I cry
Pick me up when I fall
They all love me
And I love them all

I look at you with love
I also look at you with sadness
so long I have hid this pain
and now you wish you could take it away
wasn't it you who said you didn't understand it?
you told me I couldn't possibly feel this way
I hid this pain because I knew your reaction
you didn't come to until someone else explained it to you
I tried to explain but you shut me out
and now you don't trust me when I've done nothing to betray that trust
you tell me your scared I'll run off
since I was a child I dreamed of running away
my house was never a home
yes I was loved
but I was alone
I felt like a guest in the family and that of which I can't explain
but when you hide your pain you hide yourself
it makes it feel like no one really knows you
that's how I felt
like a stranger in my home because no one knew me
and no one saw I was alone
you never knew I was struggling because you never learned the signs
you took me being silent as an attitude of mine
I lost in my thoughts
I was feeling alone
I was depressed
and my house did feel like a home
I wanted to run away to a place I could cry openly
I cried alone hoping no one would hear me
no you are not a villain for you did not see
you had other things important and you thought I was fine
you fed me
you clothed me
you kept me alive
I'm sorry to tell you I was dying inside
I was crying out for help in my silence
I was counting the days in my head
I was eight years old wishing I was dead
I had no friends
family felt so close yet distant
I didn't understand it
I didn't understand my mind
I never understood why
why was it me who had these thoughts?
why was it me who was alone?
I became strong for you
I knew it was what you needed
I grew up too fast so I wouldn't be a problem
I was mature for my age
your're welcome
I sacrificed my childhood to make sure I wouldn't be a problem child
I know you never asked me
but I did anyway
I couldn't stand to see you look at me that way
with so much pain
with so much anger
it all caught up to me either way
I saw the look that I had been dreading
I still see it in my eyes you don't see me the same
your eyes are filled with pain
they're filled with worry
always wondering if I'll stay
I promise you I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
sometimes I still wish I could run away but I still love you at the end of the day
you are my mother
you are my light
you kept me alive
in more ways than one though you might not know
I've been fighting for you this whole time
just so I wouldn't make you cry
I stayed strong
I grew up fast
just so you could see me the next day
just so I wouldn't see your pain
no you didn't ask me
but it was implied
all those times you looked annoyed at their cries
I didn't want to be the reason for that annoyed look in your eyes
you say killing yourself is selfish so I held on tight so at my funeral there wouldn't be rage in your eyes
I held on to this life so you wouldn't attend my funeral
so you wouldn't cry
so I wouldn't be the reason for the pain in your eyes
so I wouldn't be the reason you would cry yourself to sleep at night
you say you're a bad mother and that's just not right
you just got a selfless daughter who didn't want to see you cry
one that held it all in for you
became strong for you
grew up too fast for you
this isn't your fault
you're not to blame
don't worry about me for I've been fighting this for awhile
I know how to get over this
it takes some time though you wouldn't know
I kept that from you
I'm sorry that I have
I'm sorry I grew up way too fast
I'm sorry I became strong and shut you out
I'm sorry for the bad words that have left my mouth
I love you so much mom
for I have fought this for you
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep this from you
I'm sorry you found out that I'm not perfect
I'm sorry you had to see me hurting
I'm sorry I never understood where you were coming from
neither one of us is better than the other
but you are such a good mother
I wish communication with us was better
maybe one day I'll open up
maybe one day we can both trust
maybe one day we'll be better
but right now we're stuck in this endless weather
this endless storm is tearing us apart
I could stop it but I don't have the courage to talk to your face
dear mom I'm sorry I hope you can forgive me in someway

memories cloud my head like the words that were never said
some are good
some are bad
some I wish I never had
these memories are like sharp knives in my mind
they stab me several times
the words that were said are like shots in my head
but the words I couldn't get out remain at the top of my mouth
there's a gun in my head that goes off
it shoots me with these memories and thoughts
shots to my heart when I remember
I said love you and I don't know where that love has gone
at the time I meant it but it came and went
now sorry is the only word I can manage
because I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry my love is gone
I'm sorry that is no longer our song
I'll always remember you as my first love
but we weren't forever
and it hurts to remember
memories can stab like knives
but they can also bring me light
when I remember the people embracing me with a hug
or the time that day was filled with love
at the end of the day memories are all we have
and I'll try to stop focusing on the bad
I'll think of all the good memories I have

music is my home
music is my escape
always there for me when I need it the most
the lyrics speak to me
they heal my soul
they heal my wounds
they tell me that I'm not alone
crying and sobbing
music is my home
it picks me up when I'm low
I need it most when I'm alone
music motivates me in the task I don't want to do
music keeps me going
so many times I was riding a thin line
on the edge of the earth wondering why
music swooped in and saved me
they say not all heroes wear capes
and it's true because these artists I listen to are my heroes
they save me time and time again
they were there when I had no friends
music is my therapy
music is my home
in these lyrics I feel safe
music pulled me through when I didn't think I survived
but I'm still here
and music still wipes away my tears

love comes in so many different ways
some come and some go
some stay forever
you'll never know
all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts
and looking back you'll remember how they used to make you laugh
all the moments you had
it'll make you sad
I look back and remember your face
I don't quite know how my love faded away
one moment it was there and it was gone the next
I can only assume it's a part of some big plan
I'll love again
for now I find love in my friends and family
the ones who are always there no matter what
they show me true love
they show me what love is like unconditional
they show me the love I need
love from them is a blessing in disguise
yes I loved you but that was a different time
I'll now find love in the family that I made mine
the family that is not blood but so much thicker
the family that shows that a house is not a home
I'll always remember the love that I have lost
but I'll live in the love I have gained
the love I have found
the love that I own
and if they move on I'll once again be alone
but I'll know that someday I'll find it all again
I'll look back and see their faces
I'll remember all the moments we shared
I'll laugh and it'll fade to tears
I'll remember what we had
I'll wonder why it had to go
but it's all a part of the way love works
it comes and it goes
but you'll always have someone to love
focus on what you have
not what you lost
look back and remember the happy times
make memories with the people we love
it might not be forever
hold on to it with all your might
oh yes love comes in many different ways
a lover
a friend
a sister
a brother
not everyone stays
some will go
and that's okay
you'll always have the memories you made
hold on tight
but don't be afraid to let them go
some must move on
and that's okay
not all of them are meant to stay
love is not meant to be easy
it's meant to be strong
a force to be reckoned with
but sometimes that force goes away
who's to say why
it's just the way
you'll always remember their face
let love come and go
you'll never know
they might be the one to save your soul
they might be the forever and always
let it in
let it shine
just know when to say goodbye

I keep to myself, you open me up
you help me out when I feel stuck
when I feel lost, you show me the way
In the darkness, you are my light
all of the people I love burn so bright
they light the way on my cloudy days
they give me a reason to smile
a reason to stay
I love them all though I show it in different ways
I don't mean to push them away
only some of them understand me in a deep way
I try to make you understand but it feels like you'll never get it
I wasn't born to always be happy
I get sad for no reason
I'm depressed to the core
that's what I have medicine for
I take the pills to make me smile
to make me laugh
to make me not feel so sad
but even then the people I love are my reason to stay
the true reason I smile
when so much is wrong with this world
they are what's right
this world is not black and white
I always see the grey
but I always see the good in them at the end of the day
I smile and I laugh
these people I love give me that
they give me the privilege of knowing happiness
I don't believe in much
but I believe in them
I believe in love
I believe that they are my purpose in this world
I'm here to make them smile
I'm here to make them laugh
I do for them what they have done for me
so I'll smile and I'll laugh so that they'll do the same
my smile is no longer fake
I smile for them
they make me smile

gone too soon
that's what they'll say when they cry at my grave
they'll read my note and wish that I would have stayed
they won't understand that the world wasn't right for me
they won't understand the fire in my head
they won't understand the want to be dead
gone too soon is what they would have said
if I chose to die and not fight
but I fight so they won't have to cry
I fight so they won't think I left too soon
I want them to be happy
I see how they care
I'll let them give me flowers while I'm still here
flowers on my grave are far away
the headstone with my name can wait
the coffin shouldn't be ordered
I won't make them worry about a hearse
my pain is a curse
yet they are my blessing
one day I'll die
but not today