Birthdays are the very definition of depression
I love and I hate
I'm older
I made it
Another year I didn't die
But another year I had to survive
Another year that I went through pain
And so many more years I have to face
I want to cry and turn away
But everyone wants to celebrate
I rejoice in their effort
I cry because they love me
I can't leave
I try to stay
Another year I fought hard for my life
Another year I questioned what's in my head
Another year I broke down more times than I can count
Another year I survived and don't know how
Yes I'm happy I made it this far
But I'm scared of the next part
I dream of real happiness
I hope this gets better
But all I see is more struggle
More pain
More crying
More breakdowns
Fighting to breathe
Fighting to live
Fighting the will to die
I made it this far
But not far enough
Too much time left
Too much time to live
To experience happiness
Pain
Love
Hate
Failure
Success
A future so uncertain
I feel the pain of it already
I brace myself
I calm myself
Another year and I'm older
Another year and I'm more healed but feel so broken
It'll be okay
I can fight this mind for another year
For my whole life
Here we go again
This emotional rollercoaster
That's all this we ever be
That's all life is
The ups and downs
The joy and sadness
And oh so much pain
But I'm not alone
So I'll celebrate that I made it this far
And I'll celebrate that I gave them my heart
And I'll celebrate that this is only the beginning of my long journey ahead

Time passes and before you know it you're broken
Time breaks you
It passes by and you'll never get to know why
I watch as it passes
Oh please come back
Oh please heal me as you pass
But it never does
I'm shattered
All my pieces are on the floor
And people keep picking them up and handing them to me
But only when they noticed that I shattered
I know so much about life though I have barely lived
I've been through so much
I feel so old and yet I'm so young
Wise and broken beyond my years
Take these tears with you time
Take the scars with you
Take this wisdom with you
I don't want it
I want to be dumb and not know anything
Take me away time
I want to be gone
Let's go home time
I think I'm done

I'm not perfect I cry
I'm not perfect I lie
I'm not perfect I make mistakes
I'm not perfect I forget things
I'm not perfect I have bad thoughts
I'm not perfect I think about ending it all
I'm not perfect I'm nowhere near
I have emotions
I'm only human
I'm not perfect and you make me think I'm supposed to be
I'm not perfect and that makes you angry
I'm not perfect and you wish I was
I'm not perfect and I'm so tired of everyone wanting that from me
I don't want to be perfect
I just want to be me

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Where is this life taking me?
Why am I blindly following?
Who am I?
Do I know myself?
I live inside a stranger
She looks at me in the mirror and I hate her
Am I that ugly person who looks away from the mirror?
I can't be
I don't want to be
Get me out of this stranger
Her mind is toxic
Her looks are hideous
That can't be me
I have to be better
I have to be someone
How can I just be no one?
Why does she not talk?
Why does she stay silent?
Why does she lie?
Why does she hide?
Why does she have such a toxic mind?
Why am I trapped in this stranger?
Where did I go?
Wasn't I happy once?
Was I?
I can't remember
Who is that girl in my photos living my life?
Is that me?
No it can't be
Where did I go?
Where are all those happy times?
Why is it so hard to remember them?
I try to remember
I want to remember
Stop lying about your childhood!
That didn't happen!
You weren't happy!
You cried every night!
What happy child are you talking about!?
Stop lying!
Your life is a lie!
Not happy!
Never happy!
I'm a stranger
Not because I don't know who I am
Because I don't want to know
I want that girl in the mirror to be a stranger
Someone I see and pity smile at her because she looks like she needs it
I don't want her to be me
I want to be the beautiful person who passes her
I don't want to be her
Why am I her?
I can't be her
Let her be a stranger

You may not have taught me to ride a bike
You may not have watched my whole life
You may have missed several years but so did everyone else when they were there
You are my peace
You are my home
You're the father I've never known
You catch me when I fall
You tell me it's alright
You're what my dad could have been if he tried
It's so easy for the conversation to glide
It's not uncomfortable to feel your embrace
I feel the love of a father when you look at my face
I feel the care of dad who can't stand to see his daughter cry
You are nothing but great in my eyes
You're the father I've been needing
The safe place I've been seeking
I lay my head on your chest
I feel nothing but comfort
The look in your eyes tell me everything's alright
You look proud yet I've done nothing
You tell me that I'm something
You call me a blessing when I feel I have burdened
You can always tell when I'm hurting
I knew from the moment you asked if I'm alright that you were what was missing from my life
A part of the puzzle was completed when you hugged me for the first time
When you told me you loved me it healed a piece of my soul
Now I can't let go
You hold on tight but I hold on tighter
Because I can't lose the man that is truly my father

I've compared my life to so many things
I've been waiting for a prince to rescue me
I've been waiting for a perfect life like the ones on TV
I've been waiting for some action like in the books I read
I've been waiting and waiting but it'll never come
for awhile it made me so numb
I got lost and TV and books
I wished I was there
I wished I looked like that perfect TV actress
I wished I had that perfect guy
I wished I had friends that were there for me when I cried
I wished for the perfect sitcom family
I wished that I'd wake up to find that my life was a lie
that'd wake up and that would be my life
my family would be perfect
I'd have so many friends
I'd get the guy who looks like him
someone would want me
I wouldn't be alone
but I always woke up in the same home
day after day lost in a trance
lost in these fantasies I wished were my life
I wished that a dog would save my life
I cried and I cried but they couldn't tell me it was alright
I needed a comforting voice
I needed something to live for
I needed a dad who was parenting me
one who gave me emotional security
yes you were there but it never felt like for me
I called you my mom's husband for so long it made me feel guilty
but I was not wrong because while you love me you weren't the father I need
so I spent my days lost in these fantasies
hoping someone would save me
I often thought about death
I have no fear of dying
these books and TV clear my mind
I become numb and lose myself to a trance just to keep myself alive
I always go back to these fantasies of mine
I wish for perfect that will never be found
I wish what will never be real
so sold on fiction I'm not living
I'm glued to this happiness that they find
and I wish their life was mine
these fantasies are nice but they are not real
I live in these fantasies to forget that I'm here
forget I'm alive
forget I'm depressed
forget all these thoughts in my head
I latch on to these fantasies
they I tell myself can save me
stuck comparing myself to the standards I can never uphold
I will never look like her
I will never be sitcom happy
I will never meet a prince that will make me a princess
I compared myself to these fantasies
I live in these fantasies
I want these fantasies
I will never get those fantasies

I cling to your every word
I watch how your eyes watch me
I see how your face looks when you see me
I look to see if your whispering
I see if you aren't looking
I listen to hear if you say anything
I keep my head down to stay in denial
I wish I could read minds to know what you think
I wish I knew how you felt
I want to know what you won't say out loud
What do you think about me?
Do you think about me?
Who cares?
I care
I'll always care
I'll always wonder
I'll always look
I'll always listen
I'll always keep my head down
Caring is not easy
Caring *****
Caring hurts
Especially when you care too much
Like me
I can't turn it off
I can't help it
I'll always look over my shoulder
But down at the floor at the same time
I'll watch my shoes while I walk
I'll pay attention to myself
And only myself
I'll try my best to let loose and be comfortable
I'll only care about myself
But I'll always care about if anyone else is watching
What are they thinking?
Are they laughing at me?
Did they see me?
Hear me?
Are they talking about me?
Should I have worn this?
Should I cut my hair?
Is it brushed nicely?
Do I look good in this outfit?
Are they just being nice when they compliment me?
Do they mean it?
Do they think I'm weird?
Mental?
Insane?
Nice?
Mean?
Pretty?
Ugly?
Smart?
Dumb?
What do they think!?
Why do I care?
I'll always care