It starts off perfect
August is nice and it's warmer than it should be
The football games start and you can see
My bra through the holes in my shirt
And i’m wearing my heart on my belt buckle
Because it's  easier to take off than my shirt sleeves
Perfect
September and everyone's fighting
It feels like the friends i've had the longest
Are becoming strangers
I'm a stranger to myself
But this is before everything gets bad
October I just feel fake
By halloween i'm so much in my head you’d
Think I had something to say, funny
I fell in love with an idea- Several actually.
My forearms are covered in blood and i'm crying
But I can't tell anyone the real reason because i don't even know if I know.
November.
This one’s the bad month.
It always is because it gets worse before it goes back to sleep
10. Everyone's leaving me.
I don't know who I am
I’m in denial but I don't know what about
I hate myself for all of the qualities that I lack and possess
December is when those voices start counting the days until doctors appointments
Not christmas
And judge the weather wondering how long I have to get better.
This is when it almost seems okay
But something throws me off
Those same voices start telling me i'm not worth it
And they're echoing throughout the empty space where my personality
Should be but it's gone into hibernation until next year so I can
Mess it up all over again
And in the coming months i'm just going to replay
My old favorite songs over and over again until the neighbors bang on the walls
From both sides because i'm trying to understand why i’m alive again
And it's around then I start thinking about the dreams I can't remember.

Blood is red
But first it's blue
When it's in your veins
Suffocating you
Bruises are black
And then they turn green
This is it love,
this is the death scene.

I have the sudden impulse
To cut my palms open
And prey on every
Entity known to life kind
Surely if the least fictional of them
Heard my pleas
Then it would answer
With proof.
If not
I could be
At peace knowing
That we are completely alone
And my death means nothing
Once those who grieve for me
Have forgotten.

What if you never find anyone better?
What if you do?
What if this is all you get?
But what if there’s someone out there that’s better for you?
What if you never find real love?
He’s nice enough,
Maybe too nice.
But what if you don't want nice?
You don't know what you want anymore.
You’ll never find anyone as perfect as-
Ow!
Was that a rock that just hit you?
Nope, you just broke his heart.

Maybe your own too you don't know.

What if you never find anyone that loves you the way he did?
What if you never find anyone at all.
What if you're alone for the rest of your life.*
You cant do that.
You hate yourself.

Roses are grey
Violets are too
Everything's grey
I hate you

We've tried to build our barriers
as a form of contraception,
living life
feeling sorry for those
infants of agony and aggression.

Hand me a tragedy to write about.
Give me a reason to rip out a piece of my soul and thread it in between these lines.
Find me more than indifference among intolerable children.
Bring hell to earth and allow me to bask in misery and pain.
Throw me into pits full of snakes and drown me in a sea of burning acid.
Bring me to the brink of death and back over and over until I have felt enough pain to start writing again.