That feeling of disappointment
that starts in your brain and leaks down to your chest
knowledge that you have done wrong
pools along your frame and freezes like spring ice:
thin and dangerous and unexpected.
But it squeezes out of your eyes hot and fast and shameful
like how blue blood turns red when it hits air.
Saturated with anxiety, lungs pulling in atmosphere
to try and dry you out
But the ice is seeping into your bones
Down your arms and into your fingertips
so that the world collapses; no, you are trembling.
Realization increases, as does your heart rate
This pain is no longer in your mind, it is physical
it is attaching to your cells, voiding oxygen and
It pours through your veins, absorbed by your muscles
Until to the tips of your toes are frozen
A frost covers your skin in the lightest of ways
You still can't get enough space between your chest
and your heart and your lungs are collapsing and
you can't move or you'll break and
blood is now regret.

Recently I have not been eating
I like how it feels
Wasting away
I want to become so frail that I sway in the wind
And disappear like the little burs from dandelions
Yesterday the cold infected my bones
and numbed my fingers
The icesicles in the air scraped my lungs,
But I liked it
Am I a ******* or am I
Mentally ill?
My suicide note is starting to resemble
The coffee I obsessively drink,
And the ink on my skin fading along with my chances
With him
The only way you're ever going to make a difference is if
Your name is in a textbook and children
Are popping bubbles and sticking the gum
In the pages
Is there a part of me that wants to hold onto life?
Why else would I write down my intentions?
If I was completely set on ending things
I would not need to write them down
They would fester in my mind comfortably
But these thoughts seem to fit very awkwardly
Inside my head
Then again,
What's the point in waiting?

Your enemies might be your ally in disguise.
Every life is precious because every life has it's own story.
Sometimes perfect is never meant to be.
Your goal may not be the goal you set.
Doing the right thing hurts.
Sometimes you may end up in a situation in which your only inspirations are not from self gain, but your love for another.
True dedication is not partial, but whole.
Even if you lose everything, the only thing you can do is push forward and keep your memories in your heart.
If you place memories in your heart, it will live on forever.
Placing memories in your heart can work both ways.
Losses are never losses in whole. Out of all the defeats there is a glimmer of hope and victory.
Sometimes victories can be a defeat.
Even if you lose someone, remember that they still walk with you on the same road.
Nothing is ever meant to last forever.
The ending is a new beginning.

A soft fragrance of a leaf.
A fading memory,
reaching out I grasp nothing.

Absence left a shadow,
I am left broken.
Crushed like autumn leaves.
The soft paddle of the rain became a hurricane.

Hopelessly I walk towards the soft fragrance.
In the deep forest.

I hear your voice, but you are gone.
Kneeling down, I cry.

A soft wind-
Stabbing knives.

I try to find the words,
but it's too late-
you are gone,
and I am alone.

The scene I can never touch again.
Dreams of fading memories,
Dreams of the deep forest.

I crumble,
helplessly.

I see a shadow,
a small light,
but nobody was there.

And I break,
And I fall,
And I pain,

yet the familiar fragrance is only of a fading memory,

A fading forest.

An empty heart,
An empty shadow,
but nobody was there.

19 years of boring days,
19 years of tears,
19 years of things drastically falling apart and never making any sense,
that is 19 years of trying to figure things out, like my body, and who the heck am I?
19 years of loving any guy who dare speak to me,
and 19 years of heartache figuring out that they didn't love me back,
19 years of dreaming and reading and wondering,
19 years of thinking, about everything really,
About God, and life, and why in the world am I here,
and 19 years of drawing,
19 years of human pain, like that time I had to get surgery for a broken leg,
Then there is a ton of mental and emotional pain, like heart break,
And other ****,
19 years of loving my family and friends for being there in my desperate times of despair,
And 19 years of not realizing that they were there the whole entire time,
19 years of trying to find my unrealistic and perfect Mr. Darcy,
which of course does not exist, well to my knowledge at least,
19 years of crushes on all the wrong guys,
And 19 years of never acknowledging the prime and proper ones who were gonna treat me right,
19 years of having to schoolwork, and now in college its more work then I have ever imagined,
And sometimes I just break down and cry because the stress of it all is depleting me of all my energy and time,
19 years of not knowing how to function around certain people, like at all sometimes,
And 19 years of having some of the greatest friends in the world to go out with on random nights to smoke hookah,
19 years of happy days,
And 19 years of having your heart ripped out of your chest and beaten on the side of the road until it can barely beat anymore,
19 years of having sucky days that make you want to jump off a cliff and **** yourself, or anybody at all really,
Like the first person you wake up in the morning and dares speak to you,
19 years of feeling tired, like every day,
19 years of eating delicious junk food, drinking water, laughing so hard I can't even breath, spilling coffee, talking so fast I forget what I am even saying and slipping up on everything.
19 years of foul plays and just really bad mistakes that you thought were gonna turn out good, but hit you really hard in the face,
So 19 birthdays to celebrate all these crazy and silly happenings that make me wanna go insane,
But I'm not so sure where I be without it all, without

A boulder lays in a stream for centuries
The trickling water slowly smoothing it’s rough edges
Ending up a pebble at the bottom of that unforgiving stream
Slowly being covered by others
That little pebble, is still a boulder