It's a new day
But it's still gray
Nothing to awake for
Waking up is just a chore
Fear grips your stomach
And anger fills your mind
Tears stain your face
As you wonder where is my place
And blood drips down your arm
You've committed a "crime" called self harm
It's a mess to clean
A battle to be fought
But each day you wake up
With more scars on your wrist
Is another challenge beat
Your alive right?
As the day comes to a close
The pills beside your bed
Just begging you to choke them down
The knife held in your hand
Tempting you to bleed it out
The belt on your waist
Persuading you to cut off the toxic air
Forget all the pains but the one you create
Forget everything good or bad alike
***** society and its rules
You never have fit in
So let's take these things and have our end
Close your eyes tight
Say goodnight
And commit the best or worst act of your life
But before you do remember each life is special
Each deserves a fighting chance
Don't give up to early for you'll only regret
Chances that were left not taken
Secrets and pleasures never experienced
Yes it seems bad but then again
How could there be a rainbow with no rain?

he calls you
paperclip
not because you hold everyone together
when the wind tries so hard
to scatter souls
or because your eyes flash hints of silver
when you talk about your favorite song
or because your lip ring taints your kisses
metallic.

paperclip
because he can downsize you in an instant
replacing you with a version of yourself
that doesn’t weigh his pockets down
your body now too small to hold your essence
and a mouth that will only open wide enough
to swallow.
you are easily forgotten
but somehow always end up
attached to his keychain.

paperclip
because he can bend you to his will
and you don’t even notice
until everything else
begins falling out of your grasp.
every time he snaps you back into place
the world has only changed
but a fraction of a centimeter
and you’re used to measuring your life in kilometers.

paperclip
because he is a staple
leaving puncture wounds in everything he touches
a few drops of blood in every corner of your mind
and when you learn how to extract him from your heart
no goodbye is successful enough to patch
permanent holes you fold yourself in upon
and pretend not to notice.
to this day,
that chapter of your life remains dog-eared
and you wonder
why you still have trouble
picking locks.

Cigar cutter arms
Reaching, ever reaching
But are they mine
Or yours?
There’s nothing to do
There’s nothing I can do
Just leave me to myself
He emotes so hard
It’s so hard to emote
Slammed doors
Shut mind
Heavy with pain
In his knees
In his brain
Pulls him under
Waves crashing, crunching
My body
Keeps getting thinner
He holds my head under
He is a strong swimmer

I attempt to align my aches with his
For every one of his nightmares
I have a memory
For every panic attack
A physical assault
I consider propping up his bruises with my scars
We could build a church
Or a bar
Structured out of bullet holes
Supported by columns of razor burns

I buy a plane ticket instead
I build wings from all my tickets
I build a house, a home, a car, a manicured lawn
A husband, 2.4 kids, a dog, memberships with Al-Anon
And yet I still have leftovers
To share
With all the angels of this city

But oh, what a pity
That audacity
Is not the same as love
Diseased pigeons don’t count as doves
He said,
“Baby, it’s all in your head”
I said,
“Yeah, well, that’s what I’m afraid of.”

I am a runaway woman-******* the loose
Dodge bullets, dodge compliments
Slide out of my noose
There’s nothing I can’t do
I’ll just leave you to yourself
I’ll just leave you

I am notorious
Notoriously hard to get
I will always be the girl who finds a way
The woman who gets her way
The one who got away
Just in time

Pinstripe Suit

When I'm an old lunatic I shall wear a black and white pinstriped suit
I'm trapped inside the prison walls
That used to be my mind
The wallowing woman that I used to be
Has long been left behind

There are times I'm quite alert
My memory’s still intact
Then there are days when I shall disappear
And no it’s not an act

With an anesthetic air to it
The squeaky doors
My mind flows like a never ending pit
And creaky carpet bare floors

The halls as silent as a morgue
Pill meals to which I never want
They're like a cardboard box that kicks you numb
My old memories still do haunt


Blindly walking the paths laid out for me
When I'm old I shall be completely crazy
I'll scream and shout loudly to make sure you hear me clearly
I'll ramble on and on about my past times
When suddenly I am old and start to wear black and white pinstriped suits

Shivers running down my spine
My heart is racing
Running
Sprinting
My breath catches in my throat
Refusing to leave as his hands
Linger on my thighs
Like leaves dancing across the lawn
Gently and lightly moving

I feel so numb, I rush to my room
The frantic thoughts in my head start to resume
I rush to my desk and look around
A rusty razor is what I have found
I grab it with one hand and take a seat on the bed
As I lift up my sleeve to reveal what lays ahead
Pale white lines that make creases in my skin
They're there to remind me that I'll never win
I want to feel something so I render my arm
to the vicious temptations of committing self harm
First I imagine the pain I will feel
And I press the blade down to make it more real
I imagine the red liquid that will flow from my vein
And I wonder if I'm truly going insane
I close my eyes tight and clench my fist
As I drag my old razor across the top of my wrist
A raging pain I remember all to well
As I bite back my lip yo keep back a yell
I open my eyes and look down in dismay
As the blood keeps running without delay
I know I'm in pain but at least I feel
And besides in time it's going to heal
I go to the bathroom and try my best
To patch up my wound and clean up the mess
I rinse off the blade and return it to its place
So if I need it again it's in its there just in case
I lay in my bed and take on lest glance at my arm
Just another day falling victim to self harm

Trust,
A funny word really
A stupid concept
Why open up
Why let people in
They care for one reason
It helps themselves
It allows them to have a peaceful mind
But trust is a ******* lie
Never is it kept
No matter how hard you try
It's always ripped away
It slaps you in the face
Leaves you lying on the ground
It has no boundaries as to where to stop
It will leave you bleeding more than any cut
It's pain slices deep, wounding
Agonizing hurt, misuse ringing in your ear
Telling you
YOU are the fool
YOU gave me out
YOU let your guards down
Are you mad at ME for YOUR ******* moves?
Mmhhh that's funny too
Blame me for wrecking you ?
When in reality,
It was YOU all along
Your a ****** *******
YOU WANTED to tell you wanted the attention
YOU WANTED them to feel sorry
No matter how much you deny it
That selfish ***** "sliver" of you leaked out
You messed it all up
You wanted pity
Well guess what now you have it
Now everyone knows your ***** little secret
And all because you misused the words
"I trust you"
All because you were too ****** weak
To pathetic to hold your stupid *** together
Your exposed because in truth
THAT is what you wanted all along
You stupid *** *****
There is never such a thing called trust
NEVER will it stay between just you and them
And you KNEW THAT *****
This is your fault
You see never is there trust
Just the falsity of it
Just the green screen as to what happens
Just this lie, deception
Because really trust was never yours  
To be handing out
So really was it the betrayal that hurt you
With broken trust
Or maybe, just maybe
It was yourself