I kicked the past in the chest
when it dared to run by
Breaking and bruising—to remember
him using
old brass keys from the cabinet
to wind

me up and then
Leave.

I cursed his sterile heart
Inked out his jagged eyes
****** him
to Hell
To claw at walls of the well
he made me fill alone—

Raven boys
They crow
but never cry.

But in I draw my limbs now
as I watch you
Blue heron on the surface
of the sun

(where the sky meets lake)
Turn to burning dark—awake
I eclipse you
to see by moonlight
what I’ve done.

I hear hints of constellations
vying for a place
But the starlight dies—close
those supernova eyes—you
***** them out
press the pillow to your face.

He never cried.
I wept in my own
twisting orbit—never touching
Gravity kept me nonetheless

Now I watch you
wipe your eyes
Too scared to think about goodbyes
(I hold you)
Part of me dies
in your duress.

This is what it’s like to love me.
To love you
There’s fear of change—of loss

But I’ve got you.
I’m not leaving.
Stargaze together—
A glimmered evening

This
is what it’s like
to be us.

I love you most when I am dreaming.
Rough edges fall away in fog
of the eyes that take their leave
from black reality
and revert to caverns gleaming

How it glances off your face—
that gem-light, stalagmites
catching light—Oh
how this is your favorite place

Where the purple plays
and fans across your nose,
cold colors bathed in warm disguise—
You are a masterpiece
to me
when I close my eyes.

But few souls can look without touching
Awe without taking
Love without breaking—

Mineral dust on the soles of my shoes
It requires care
to keep you
without making

The sheer walls tremble
The canaries die
Reflections waver in water streaming

I cannot reclaim you
from my dreams at night
for when I do



I wake up screaming.

Malevolence
It tastes so good
under false pretense

Bottle it up—paste it!
on Wall Street’s walls—watch
them all come racing
throwing Franklins just to fall

into a love that will erode them
in all its nitric opulence
What fools for malevolence
under false pretense.

We know, you and I (fix that tie)
that cruelty comes for free

I don’t buy abuse—
It pays for me.

Deposits soft-lipped guises
that always seem to last
I’m rich on lies—
I pound the glass.

Keep your change!
(My suit is screaming)
Lift your lids
Call our bluff
Drop not a cent
on malice decadent:

It will find you soon enough.

You are the definition
of a bad habit
But unlike biting my nails
Peeling the skin off my lips
or fidgeting until my joints crack
It takes much more
than 21 suns
21 moons
21 earth-breaking
Painstaking
Days
To get rid of you

I take pride

in understanding people who couldn't
Forgiving people I shouldn't
Loving people who wouldn't

As if I can see
Beyond what meets the eye

I'd prefer not to admit
it's simply judgement gone to die

Countdowns are two-dimensional
Don’t mean much
at all
to me

To see pixels in formation
Spelling out through transformation
the days and seconds till I
leave

It doesn’t hit
In the right way.

It doesn’t create the right pain—
Nothing beats when hunger pangs

Draw me to the pantry
Filing down the tins and cans
and my eyes land
on

the food that my mom bought for me
My favorites all stocked constantly
Knowing that I cannot possibly

Finish

A single jar of peanut butter
Let alone its twin

Before the numbers turn to hollow eyes
Before I close my door— say my goodbyes
A half-empty jar the only prize

To show that I have been.