Drug addict, they warn me with
That ugly twist of their lips
Stay away, don't touch it
Just say no, don't breathe it
And I did, perfectly, as they bid
But I still ended up
A ******* addict.

He comes within 20 feet of me
And suddenly I'm soaring free
"High as a kite"--effortlessly
Ground falling from beneath my feet
The kind of happy that redefines happy
And when I say his name
Even the air tastes sweet.

When he smiles at me
There's nothing else I see
My hand brushing his warm cheek
Heat surging my body as my heart bleeds
My blood electric hot in my veins
Pulsing desire unrestrained
And I laugh at the world for being so insane
To allow so much beauty without any pain.

Drug addict, my brain snaps
When it's sick of being tricked
Into highs that can't last
The harder I try, the faster the crash
Flames burning out, leaving only gray ash.

For it's not real, this world of mine
Dreams within dreams, an invention of mind
Yet, just for a taste of that magical light
To see the stars winking as I soar through that sky
Well, for you, my drug, I'd let my heart bleed dry.

Burning liquor down my throat
Scorching through my veins
I'm buried in warm human flesh
Sweet stink of alcohol and sweat
Medicine for my brand of pain.

What I wouldn't give
To feel your lips on mine
To kiss with my heart
Rather than pretend with my mind
The ground beneath my feet
Rather than my head in the sky
My fingers digging into your skin
Rather than brushing a ghostly outline.

There was a time when
I cared about the lights
When my world turned dark
All my dreams had died
Now I wouldn't mind
The darkest of pits
If only you
Were by my side.

Do you remember when we first met?
When we hadn't grown up yet
Our worlds were so simple and sweet
Just like your heart that held me.
Your smile was all I could see.
Brighter than a thousand suns
And I
Whispered to myself
I found the one.

I still remember hot summer nights
Our hands brushing side by side
Laughing at nothing and everything
I felt sorry for everyone not me
'Cause you redefined happy
Just for me.

I wish you'd remember those golden days
A past from so far away
If you'd felt that same incandescence
Would you have strayed so very far?
And left me in the dark?

Brighter than a thousand suns
My eyes
Still adjusting
Looking, searching
For the happy
You made me.
But all I found
Was your memory.

Many lives ago and several stories away
Our chapter began in a very dark place
I was trying to piece together a freshly broken heart
Helplessly looking on as my world fell apart.

I was desperate for a lifeline, and along you came
A new roll of dice, and I gambled a new game
After all, I had absolutely nothing to lose
You were my anesthesia, my distraction, my use.

You became my challenge that was here to stay
I'd met my match with you, in just about every way
Little by little, I got caught in your magnetic pull
Only circling closer to what may be untouchable.

You're not the warm sweetness of the love I left behind
Nor the flashy brightness of the one I yearn to find
But as every brilliant supernova burns only to die
You shine the constant star in an otherwise black sky.

How ironic the place you now hold in my heart
My dream prince replaced by a contrary counterpart
There's no denying you were a Godsend
But who knows how, when, or if our story will end?

Look at her, she's so lucky
There she goes, the girl who has everything
They say, I'd be blind not to see
I have all the means
To be whatever I want to be
So cursed with all these blessings.
Why not gift them to those more deserving?
Those who'd use them to reach their dreams
Anyone, literally anyone in the world but me.

Look at me, look at my useless misery
So desperate for change, but unable to grow
Crying the very river in which I'm drowning slowly
Reached so high, dreamed so far, fallen so low
They say, she can easily get back on her feet
With love and support to cushion each blow
But I'm frozen, paralyzed, and they'll never know
How desperately I want to let it all go
Lay down, stop fighting, fall into a forever sleep.

Look at me, why can't you see how unworthy?
All these gifts, and I can't amount to anything
Mom and Dad, I want to tell you I'm sorry
This could be easier, if you'd just stopped believing
But you held on to high hopes for me
And kept telling me I could change everything
If only I keep going, keep hoping, keep trying
You gave me everything, promised you'd keep giving
But I'm exhausted, and so tired of living.

Winter 2015, and my cheeks ache from smiling
First semester's done, and I'm finally having fun.
Surrounded by loved ones assuring me I'm amazing
I'm scared to tell them
I'm having a hard time with this college thing.
You came along then, not yet my friend.
Funny, awkward child, with no sense of style
But for some reason, that holiday season
Marked the first chapter, the innocent beginning
I trace it back to that winter of 2015.

Spring 2016, and my stomach hurts from laughing
I'm back home again, on a cold, sunny weekend.
School is exhausting, and I feel my grip slipping
I've been so lonely I felt hollow and empty
You made it all go away, made everything okay
Who would have guessed your silly jokes and teasing
Were just what I needed, that spring of 2016.

Still 2016, and our bond is growing.
I go through my days with a huge smile on my face
Just waiting for Friday, when you walk through the doorway
And I feel the kind of happy that makes my toes curl
And makes me bounce around like a little girl
I didn't even see what you were becoming to me
Told myself you were just a child I regarded fondly
Despite the crushing despair whenever you weren't there
Despite the hours waiting for your name on my phone screen
Yes, I was still delusional by the end of 2016.

It's 2017, and my eyes sting from crying
But a few words from you and I can't stop laughing
You said what I needed to hear to persevere
Through the icy winters and blistering summer heat
You created my best memories.
The deli, the pool, the walks to the coffee shop
All those evenings I wished time would stop
When we worked as a team, when you starred in my dreams,
Those love poems I penned, my jealousy of your girlfriend
Finally forced me to stop denying my feelings
I could no longer ignore them in 2017.

Winter 2017, and I can't deny you're changing.
Taller, cooler, the boy of every girl's dream.
One night, we sang along to your favorite love song
We told each other stories and relived past memories
And I was absolutely, deliriously happy
Despite knowing your leaving will shatter my heart
Despite being closer than ever, we'd never been further apart.
I knew the end was beginning--in winter 2017.

It's 2018, and I've got to stop dreaming.
I'm fighting and screaming as our distance keeps growing.
You went from a child in my mind to a love of a painful kind.
And even as you stray away, and I beg for you to stay
I've known deep down every year that this day was drawing near.
So as I see the pretty girls you hold in a firm embrace
As the smile I've loved for years spreads across your face
I wish the best for you and remember all we've been through
Just now, you texted I love you, and I didn't say it back
Couldn't bring myself to.
Instead I opened my laptop and began typing everything
The last poem I'll write about you, in winter 2018.

You and I, our story starts in such a sweet and innocent time
I missed all the signs
Didn't know I was in love even though you never left my mind.
Now your warmth that's made me feel alive
Has started burning to the painful kind.

You're not here anymore
I keep looking at that empty door
Wondering what I'm still waiting for.
As the space between us grows
As our past goes up in smoke
I just can't let you go.

I see your eyes
Still the childlike ones full of hopes and dreams so bright
But they look right past me
At a future full of life and promise which I could never be.
But for me, you're all that I see
My ray of light, my perfect puzzle piece.

You're not here anymore
I keep looking at that empty door
Wondering what I'm still waiting for.
As the space between us grows
As our past goes up in smoke
I just can't let you go.

You're all that's real to me
All I hold on to, ignoring the pain.
You've become a part of me
I'd give anything you need
But it's all in vain.

You're not here anymore
I keep looking at that empty door
Wondering what I'm still waiting for.
As the space between us grows
As our past goes up in smoke
I just can't let you go.