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I don’t believe time
How was it over a year ago
When our hearts first came together

I could’ve sworn we were not a thing-
Which as itself was a thing-
Less than six months ago

I love looking at our saved snaps
But it hurts
All those memories fading

Our love isn’t the same
It’s mature, settled, teenage-bonded
Spontaneous if you will

I don’t miss those days
I love us now
I just forget what it was like to love you then
1d · 46
Not To Jinx It
I know how life works
My luck hasn’t failed to disappoint me yet
But I’ve got to say
I feel happy with you
I’m happy with you
2d · 17
Stay
I can’t sleep after what happened yesterday. I said things that I may have thought at the moment, but they aren’t how I feel, it was the nerves talking. I’m sorry to be such a pain and piece of work, you shouldn’t have to deal with me in this state, regardless of the situation. I’m glad we got to fix the night, and have yet another truthful conversation. But I think I just wanted more, as I always do, and three hours of talking in a day didn’t feel like enough. Had you not come back though, I would be in tears, where instead I’m peacefully taking in the anxious pain left over from a long day. Maybe it’s something to consider, getting better at distance, being okay with weird situations. But I also know I missed you too much to want anything but you here right now in every moment. So don’t go. For a day, for a few hours, for even a minute. Just stay here with me. It’s gonna be tough sometimes, but we always work through it, we understand and don’t need to argue over anything. Sometimes I wonder, why I stayed through it all, no matter how hard it got. I realize now more than ever, it’s because I’m so in love with you, my heart bleeds more for you than it ever will for anyone else, even myself. But I want it to for you. I want anything, everything, as long as it comes with you. Stay.
Paragraph time
2d · 42
Wonder
I wonder what it’s like

For you to be tangible
Not an idea-
Not a feeling-
But just a person
Someone in my life

I wish you were
Instead of a face on a screen
Pictures in my head
Memories sewn together in dreams

I just wonder some days
When you’ll be a person
Someone to touch-
Feel-
Look at

I wonder if I’ll ever be enough to do so
2d · 35
Purple Crayon
If I had a purple crayon
I’d draw us together

I’d erase all our problems
Creating a world for the two of us
A world we can be happy

We’d forget what our problems were
Living carefree in each others arms
All because of this crayon
It fixed our mess for us

But I don’t have a crayon
And we’re here now

I’d ask you for a crayon
But I think I have for years
2d · 33
Worry
I know you’re okay
                                   But I worry
                                                        And miss you
                            I want you back
Where are you
                            Come back
                                                 I love you
3d · 36
Vulnerable
Today felt real
And I know we’re real
But it didn’t feel like living off a chance
It felt like we were living now

I’ve been dreaming of us for years
Caring about you for months
Talking to you for weeks
But today was somehow different
You showed me vulnerable
And it clicked
You’re not talking to me
The weird kid
The boy who can’t do anything right
You’re talking to Sean
The projected confidence
The bundle of odd talent
And many things I personally wouldn’t call myself

But now I know
Who I really am
Because you see Sean for who he is
And I want to too
3d · 136
Spoken
I’m running out of words to write,
But it’s not because I’m out of ideas.
I talk to you in poetry,
Each message containing a memorable line,
One that I could paste here,
But feels too personal- too real to record.

But I’m still here,
The Sean you fell for,
The Sean you can’t stop falling for.
I’m just adapting,
Learning to say the things I want to say,
Instead of posting them.
6d · 29
Fantasy
Maybe I don’t tell you enough
That being with you
Hasn’t just been an idea the past two years
It’s been my fantasy

And no more losing hope
Or letting you walk away
I’m putting my foot down
Because you’re my fantasy

My only fantasy
7d · 390
Understand
Can’t sleep
They won’t stop kicking and yelling
Why don’t they understand
Not everyone gets to live stupidly
I want to not feel pain for six hours
7d · 5
Planes
I hate planes
Taking me away from you
What’s worse than how it pains-
Is how I know what you say is true

You do miss me more
And it’s hard to admit
Because I can’t measure your effect in my heart’s core
Yet somehow - you handle worse ****

I wish I could make us painless
No waiting or missing
But all I have is truthful promises
I hope it’s at least partially soothing

So I write to you now
Pleading for a promised forgiveness
I’m sorry to make you frown
Do you accept nudges?
7d · 32
Blurple
Blue eyes gazing upon me
Emitting beautiful reflections-
But hinting at true beauty that lives inside
I think that’s the first think I noticed about you

My heart was trying to reveal the Purple Heart you concealed
Hidden-
But waiting for someone alike to be unlocked
Now there’s no going back
Our hearts are full-
As one

You’re blurple
It’s quite simple-
The luring blue sea leads to a beating purple mass
And my purld self couldn’t stay away
So keep chasing that gold
It’s not running away
7d · 5
Spontaneous
I can’t promise painless
I won’t fight reality
I’m not perfect
But I can try my **** best for you

So send the battles my way
I’ll do my best to help
Maybe I won’t be much
But I can hope to be enough

I live life on the edge
No wonder everything about me is spontaneous
Yet there’s always one constant-
You

Whether I like you-
Or love you
Worry about you-
Or care for you
I’m here
That’s not changing
Jun 15 · 41
Best Friend
Sean Maloney Jun 15
Something like a cursed title
Everyone who takes that label in my life-
Either hates me or left me

Well-
Except for one
But she’s not my bestie really
She’s my lover
Does it still count?
Jun 15
Scarless
Sean Maloney Jun 15
I’m scarred
From head to toe
But not with circles or lines
No, my mind wouldn’t let me do that
No matter how hard I try
Blade against the skin-
My body trembles
I keep trying to do something
But all of me says no
Let the pain linger on its own

It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could
My methods don’t really help
What does a fist covered in blood do-
Knuckles begging for a wall to cool off in
I don’t even have anger
I just like the way it stings and burns
And how I can look at myself and see pain
Not just feel it
Jun 15 · 39
I’m Sorry
Sean Maloney Jun 15
I’m sorry you’ll wake up to this
I’m sorry you can’t fix everything
I’m sorry for this whole crisis
I’m sorry it’s tiring for you to be anything

I’m sorry I miss you so much
I’m sorry I say I love you so often
I’m sorry you can’t feel my touch
I’m sorry it’s hard to get me to soften

But I’m truly sorry for the pain I can’t fix
Because I know some of it is love’s tricks
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But don’t leave. I’m sorry.
Jun 15
Uncertainty
Sean Maloney Jun 15
I think I’ve always wanted security
My anxiety eats at anything uncertain
So I ask a million questions
Hoping the answers calm me

But I don’t think the chaos is avoidable
Maybe my nights of crying are deserved
It’s for the lore
Intended to make me who I will be

I’m so broken
Don’t even kid yourself
I can take a hello and make it like a goodbye
Everything in my head is wrong

I’ve always wondered why many others live
Why they don’t slowly die- like me
But I think I realize now
It’s how I was built

I’m a bundle of scraps
Fused falsely to form a half being
My parts strong in the worst ways
I can never escape the torment of uncertainty

I wish I could just hurt myself
Save me the pain I build in my whole body
The thoughts that won’t quit
Why do I make little things everything

I have cool traits
So see me as great
But they’re all baits
To lure me to a good fate
Jun 14 · 35
Clarity
Sean Maloney Jun 14
You exist like a thought I never meant to say out loud-
but now that I have, I can’t imagine silence without you.

You say maybe I’ll find someone else filling-
But I say baby,
If there’s someone else waiting,
My answer is I have a lady.

You’ve expressed your doubts,
And I hear your thoughts,
However you hit all the spots-
My heard had kept hidden in knots.

To be honest- you complete me,
So much all I think of saying is true,
So here’s something I can guarantee-
I love you
Jun 13 · 34
As Hard As I Can
Sean Maloney Jun 13
You say I see you too kindly,
like the way I talk about you doesn’t match the mirror.
But I’m not making anything up.
I’m just telling you what’s always been there-
what you won’t admit,
but I’ve always seen.

You’re warmth.
Not just kind warmth-
but the kind I’ve been looking for,
the kind I thought didn’t exist.

I tell you you’re beautiful,
and you give me that look.
But it’s not about belief.
It’s just what’s true.

You’ve said you might love me more.
Maybe you do.
But I still love you like it’s the only thing I’m sure of.
And that doesn’t stop
just because someone’s love runs louder.

When I play, I lose myself in sound.
But when I’m with you,
I don’t want to be anything else.
No note I’ll ever play
means more than sitting beside you when nothing’s happening.

Music makes me feel everything.
You make me feel home.

So even if you shake your head at what I say-
even if you never fully believe it-

I’ll still say it.
I’ll still mean it.
I’ll still love you
as hard as I can.
Jun 13 · 21
Notes and Heartbeats
Sean Maloney Jun 13
I hold two things close to me in life

Music
The thing I plan to pursue
My goals and accomplishments

And her
The person I love most
My dreams and safe place

Music makes me feel one with my instrument
I’m no longer
Myself
I can be something more
I can be the notes
Bouncing off the walls
Vibrating across the building

But she makes me feel warmth
A warmth nothing else can
A warmth I’ve longed for so long
And now-
That desire is replaced with her
Every time I fall, or jump, or even sit still-
I want her to be there-
To pick me up, or congratulate me, or sit next to me

I like making the saxophone sound warm and fuzzy
It’s my favorite sound to make
My favorite feeling is similar-
It’s the warm fuzziness my heart swells with when she’s here

My two most important things in life
Are music and love
Often intertwined
But don’t be fooled
I’d give up the music in a heartbeat-
To keep this specific love
One where our hearts beat deeper than any metronome can

I love her more than life itself
And to be honest-
I’d fight for her over myself
It’s just how I love her, and only her
Jun 13 · 325
Telepathy
Sean Maloney Jun 13
Words don’t speak-
Not like eyes do
We can promise ourselves for months
But the look we give one another says it too
There’s no secrets between us
It all spews out in a simple glance

I don’t hear the meaning in your words
I hear what’s going on in your head-
The ideas put onto the screen
You’re so readable to me
As if I know what you’ll say before I’ve seen

I can feel love next to you
I can see love in your eyes
I can hear love in your voice
I can be in love with you
And that’s all I want to do

I’d say don’t leave me now-
Don’t leave me ever
But I see in your head-
I see the same dreams, forever
Jun 12 · 33
A New Era
Sean Maloney Jun 12
Currently
We’re in uncharted territory
With things ending last April
And this past April
Summer was never us
But now we get to fix that

No more crying at night with no one there-
No one to understand
No more seeing you in every room-
Just to remember I won’t see you till band camp

It might be the start to a new era
But there’s something more
Maybe it’s the path to a new normal
Jun 12 · 54
Invisible Ink
Sean Maloney Jun 12
We hide our feelings
In invisible ink
Not because we don’t want to share
But we intend to keep it private

It’s permanent
We’re here to stay
But we temporarily show ourselves
Filling lines in every corner
And to everyone else
They see a blank paper

I don’t though
I have the ability to see your ink
A purple light to reveal our purple thoughts
And I think they’re beautiful
Do you think so too?
Jun 12 · 48
No title
Sean Maloney Jun 12
I don’t understand
Why does everything have to be drama
Like I don’t enjoy this
I’d rather not cry alone
It was all I wanted
But now that it’s here
I just want it gone
Jun 11 · 50
Defined
Sean Maloney Jun 11
Life makes sense
I don’t mean to sound like a cliche
But it does
Every moment I’ve lived through-
Has always led to you
Somehow the one thing I’m passionate about-
Brought me to put you above it

I know we’re connected-
That much is clear
But I think it’s more than that
Because I don’t just enjoy having you around-
I want you around all the time
Not only do I not want you to go-
I want you in the center of my world-
And not just my heart

The soulmate idea really had me thinking
Because we have to be more than that
There’s too much power in us
Maybe we’re twin flames
That accounts for the burning love in my heart-
The love I only have for you
Jun 11 · 32
Resurfaced Note
Sean Maloney Jun 11
Eliza... if you're thinking of ending it, I'm not gonna push you-but I am going to be honest. I want you to stay. I want you with me. And if some part of you wants that too
-if this thing between us feels as real to you as it does to me-then maybe it's worth choosing. I see you completely, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be sure about everything right now, just about how you feel in this moment. And if that's me-
I'm here.
This… is from last era
Jun 10 · 59
Feel
Sean Maloney Jun 10
It’s quiet-
For the first time in weeks
My room is boiling-
My breath hyperventilating
But it’s not making me crash
I feel stationary

Everything is a little off-
My mind is wandering,
My heart is quaking,
My lungs are contracting

I’m waiting for you to come back
I know when you do I’ll be fixed
Whether we text or call-
Or even make a tiktok ai image
When you’re here I don’t mind the heat
I don’t even feel the pain
All I feel is you
Jun 10 · 283
Out of The Public
Sean Maloney Jun 10
Stolen glances across the room
Smiles that manage to hide our thoughts-
Our feelings

During the day I act okay
Just a friend, student, brother
But as soon as I’m out of the public eye
I come running back to you

The warmth pulls me closer-
Making hours feel like seconds
And even if the moments you’re gone feel just as long-
I treasure the time we have

I’m hidden from society
But believe me when I say
I’m living the dream
And it’s because you’re in it
Jun 10 · 38
Still
Sean Maloney Jun 10
You’re not in danger.
You’re not hurt.
You’re just not here.

And still—
my chest folds like a paper map
creased where your name used to lie.
The silence grows teeth at night,
soft ones,
but they bite.

I know you’re somewhere safe.
Maybe smiling.
Maybe lost in a thought I’ll never hear.
And I don’t want to take that from you.
I just want you near.

When you leave,
it’s not disaster.
But the air doesn’t settle right.
I wait—
not because I’m desperate—
but because nothing fits
without your weight.

I tell myself you’ll be back,
that this is just space,
not distance.
But my hands don’t listen.
They reach anyway.
They always do.

There’s no storm.
No sirens.
Just a slow drip of maybe,
of soon.
Of hoping the next time I blink,
it’ll be you
walking back through the room.
Jun 9 · 45
Curse
Sean Maloney Jun 9
I thought we were over
That day people spread my name-
Like a curse
It scared me shitless
But you listened
You stayed
And I love you more for it
Jun 9 · 43
To Know
Sean Maloney Jun 9
I wish I knew
How much-
Just how much you had loved me
I could’ve saved us pain
Even if I couldn’t manage everything
I could’ve managed us

We’re okay now
The storms have passed
But it hurts
Because I loved you
More than anything
So much-
I don’t even think I knew what it meant-
At least-
Until now
And yet
I didn’t know
You were there too

I read your old poems
The ones about me
Maybe sometimes for me
Even knowing I couldn’t read them

I wish I did
I wish I grabbed your hand at practice
Pulled you towards me
Gave in to temptation
At least if I had
You would’ve known sooner
We could’ve started sooner

Our love is here to last
But why-
Why did the universe choose us
Do we really deserve this
Does it matter
I want this
We’re taking it
Jun 9 · 41
Love Quotes
Sean Maloney Jun 9
“She’s literally the hottest person I know”

“I can’t look at her and not want her”

It’s not just emotional, I’m so attracted to her”

“I know I’ll never feel this way about someone else physically”

“It’s not just that she’s hot, it’s that when I see her, I feel it everywhere. Like I need to be near her”

“She gets me in a way no one else even tries to”

“I feel seen with her, not watched, just understood”

“It’s like she knows the version of me that I’m still trying to become”
Jun 9 · 54
What is She
Sean Maloney Jun 9
Other girls are just people. Eliza is… her. She doesn’t leave my head. She’s the motivation for me to live, the reason I want to live my life, the source of my hearts love. Everything about her screams the most intense levels of attraction, and I wouldn’t spend a second trying to find something not scorching hot, I’ll take being in awe. She amazes me, how someone so perfect can exist, and I know I’m lucky to have met her, because she’s not that girl you dream of and forget…. she’s the eternal dream you can’t ever let go.
Sean Maloney Jun 9
Your voice,
it drips like sunlight over my skin-
not burning, just warm,
like a kiss that starts in the heart
and spills outward.

You say my name,
and it’s like fingers brushing the back of my neck,
gentle, like you always are when you mean it.
Every syllable
a promise without pressure,
a tether made of silk and intention.

We talk until the day folds in on itself,
hours dripping slow like honey,
and I want more-
of your thoughts, your hands,
your breath softening the air between us
as we sit close
in the hush of the car,
windows fogged by the gravity
of just being near you.

God, Eliza,
I see us in years we haven’t lived-
your laugh decorating a kitchen,
your feet on my dashboard,
your eyes asking nothing
but still saying everything.

Love is not loud with you,
it’s skin-on-skin in words and time,
in the way your touch exists
even when we’re not touching.

And maybe-
maybe one day I’ll kiss you
like I’ve kissed you a thousand times
in dreams I never wake from.
And it’ll feel like this:
not fireworks,
but a soft ignition.
Not a storm,
but a home.
Jun 9 · 36
Love is Ours
Sean Maloney Jun 9
I miss you-
But you just went to sleep

I miss you-
But you were here 4 minutes ago

I miss you-
But we were just day dreaming the future

I miss you-
But I feel your words like a delicate touch

I miss you-
But I know I still love you

I miss you-
But I can’t wait for tomorrow, for you

I miss you,
But you’ll wake up to this message

I miss you,
But even so,
When the sun rises,
While kids dread their final exams,
We’ll be here,
Soaking in our own rays of sun,
Like a hot tub of love,
For just the two of us to bathe in,
Washing us clean of our time apart

I miss you now,
I’ll miss you tomorrow night,
But I won’t miss you forever-
How could I,
Soon enough we’ll be together everywhere,
Unable to be split apart,
Unwilling to leave

I tell you it a lot, I know
But I love you so much
Girl it’s like an instinct
Your words leave me vulnerable
But it isn’t bad
And only for you-
Only for you would this be okay
Because I know deep in my heart-
Love is ours
Jun 8 · 46
What I See
Sean Maloney Jun 8
Something you ask a lot
Is how I manage to keep seeing you wrong
I don’t think that’s it though
I see you how you want me to see you
Everything is perfect
Even things you’d argue aren’t great
I love every inch I’ve seen
And I’d like to explore all of you
If that’s alright
Jun 8 · 54
My Dream
Sean Maloney Jun 8
I think I love you
More than you could ever know

It’s not a bad thing
It’s just

The way you make a room full of smiles
Your lips tempting me to kiss you
The most beautiful blue eyes-
Looking at me like I’m valuable

Everything about you
Is like a fairy tale
And somehow
You still exist
Choosing me

One day
We’ll give one another what we want
And we’re gonna be so happy
We’llcforget what sadness felt like

Yes
I’ll hold your hand
While you get allergy shots

Yes
I’ll kiss you
Anywhere
Everywhere

Yes
Eventually
I will marry you

I’m an overthinker
But with you
I lose that grounded approach
Because with you
My dreams meet reality
They have to-
You’re my dream
Jun 7 · 37
Band Love
Sean Maloney Jun 7
It’s all the same
The notes form the same old melodies we hear each class
Doc conducts as he always does
We’re in the same spot-
Right next to one another

But this time
I don’t hear the music
I hear your desires
I hear the thoughts of me in your head
I hear your heart pleading for mine

And my heart begins to reciprocate
Throbbing faster than the beat of the music
Harder than the mallets hit the marimba
Louder than the trumpets
I start to lose control
I’m playing the music
But all I can think about is how badly I want you

And then I mess up
I missed the key change
And you give me a side eye-
Before we break out laughing
I didn’t even process doc might’ve noticed
All I could think about-
Was how much I love you

Soon after-
The song ended
And we packed our bags
All I could think was-
I can’t wait till I see her again
I can’t wait to feel love again
Sean Maloney Jun 7
I hate the way you know when something’s wrong,
I hate that you always know what to say to calm me down.
I hate when you disappear at night,
I hate it when I wait for you to wake up.
I hate watching you hurt yourself,
And knowing I can’t stop the pain.
I hate how insecure I feel knowing you can read me like a concert band piece,
Which isn’t such a bad thing when I get quiet and silently beg for someone to notice.
Really,
I hate going through my day without you,
In fact,
I hate everyday I don’t see you.
But in truth,
I’m never going to leave,
Because maybe-
Maybe I hate the fact that I lied,
I don’t hate this,
No not at all,
What I hate is the idea of a world without us.
Jun 7 · 66
Silent Fate
Sean Maloney Jun 7
I face planted
Right through my bedroom door
Straight into the burning carpet
It was quick
But silent
As if I never made an impact
I wonder if my death will be like that
Will anyone be left to hear it
Or will I have to cry and wail
Scream and yell
Until someone listens
Would they want to hear it
Or see it
Would I matter to them
Or would they walk past
Like a half chewed rat left in the street
Do I belong on the street
Do I even belong anywhere
I’m not sure
But right now
I can’t get up
I’m glued to the carpet
Accepting fate
A silent fate
Silent fate is a good title for something else too… wish I thought of it before I made this, then again, I’m just a boy on the floor
Jun 7 · 240
Night
Sean Maloney Jun 7
I feel the tears slide down my cheek
Crossing the lines around my nose
And I know
It’s going to be a long-
Lonely night
Jun 7 · 40
Feeling Sentimental
Sean Maloney Jun 7
I thought this year was horrible
But the more I think about it
I wish I could go back
Not to change my decisions
But to relive it one more time
Knowing things will change
But accepting the beauty of it

I don’t miss her
But sometimes I want a good argument
Sometimes I want the doorbell to ring
Some days I wish I wasn’t in bed alone
And it’s my choice what to do about it
Doesn’t mean I didn’t like it

I miss my friends
And not because I want to hang out
We don’t endlessly call anymore
We don’t make fun of random people
I don’t have my support pals

I miss the musical chaos
Of going to pit every day
Marching band terrors
Learning the jazz band soli
Auditioning for districts
I miss district jazz the most
I loved being with people who knew-
What they were doing-
And what they wanted to do
I miss district band
Resting on her shoulder
Playing classically
The moments were surreal

I want life to be normal
But I don’t want it to change
I wish it could all work out
Like it was
Sean Maloney Jun 7
E. your laugh is a melody that i long to hear.
i’ve memorized how it feels to find you in every moment.


S. I missed you more than anyone could know, and I can’t lose you again, don’t leave anymore.
You know me more than anyone else, and nobody knows you know anything.


E. the secret of us is in the way we keep making eye contact when no one’s watching.


S. I can’t stop looking at your beautiful face, did you notice?


E. those golden eyes are sometimes stormy, yet somehow always home.


S. Your hair waves in the breeze, golden strands shining brighter than the sun.


E. with you, i never feel like drowning, it feels like breathing again.


S. I love you so much my heart grew.
Sean Maloney Jun 5
You’re the sun when the day feels gray,
burning gold through every cloud in my way.
When I’m lost in the silence of my own storm,
your warmth is the only thing keeping me warm.

Your beauty doesn’t beg, it just is,
a quiet kind of magic wrapped in bliss.
Like the light spilling over a sleeping town,
you don’t even try—and still, I drown.

Your eyes are oceans, deep and true,
not just blue—the blue I never knew.
Every glance pulls me out past shore,
makes me forget what I was hurting for.

Your voice is a hush the world can’t fake,
like angels resting in the breath they take.
It smooths the sharp edges of my mind,
like wind through the trees, soft and kind.

When you’re near, the world slows down,
like time kneels to you, lays down its crown.
Even silence feels more alive when you speak,
a whisper from you makes my knees go weak.

I don’t need answers, I don’t need signs—
I’ve already found all I need in your lines.
The sun, the sea, the voice I knew—
they’ve always been you, just you.
Jun 5 · 45
I Love You
Sean Maloney Jun 5
One day
I’m going to tell you I love you
And it won’t be a text
It won’t be in invisible ink
It’ll be to your face
Holding you
And until then
I’ll dream of it every night

I’ll whisper your name before I sleep-
Like a promise
I’ll respond to you first in the morning-
Because you’re the first priority
Just please
Please don’t go again
This time I’m not letting you leave
This time
I’ll be yours
And you’ll be mine
Jun 5 · 54
Wonders of You
Sean Maloney Jun 5
Your eyes whispered sweet dreams to me
Impossible to ignore-
Nor look away
Deep blue
But reflecting the treasures they store

I missed looking at you
Laughing with you
I missed that look you gave me
Maybe I just missed you

I desired to kiss you
And I’ll be honest-
That’s why I tapped you with my soda
Because if I can’t lay my hand on your cheek
I’ll settle with you knowing I’m there
Jun 4 · 40
Someday
Sean Maloney Jun 4
I’m going to **** myself
I don’t know when
I don’t know how
I don’t know why

Some random day
In a soon to be known season
I’m going to be so alone
Like I am right now
And I’ll have had enough

No more endless supporting-
Without any support
No more backlash drama-
While I try to live day by day

Nobody gets it
How hard it is
And I’m just done
I can’t handle the anger
I’m not even allowed to be angry
What a **** double standard
Jun 4 · 56
Dead Tears
Sean Maloney Jun 4
I tried to cry today.
Wanted to.
Needed to.
But nothing came.

I sat with the silence,
felt the weight,
the ache,
but no flame.

No one was there.
Alone again.
Even the ones I thought would stay
walked away.

Not one tear.
Just pressure.
Just heat behind my eyes.
Like my body knew how —
but refused to try.

The tears, if they came,
would’ve meant I broke.
But I didn’t.
I just…
soaked.

They never fell.
They never ran.
They stayed,
buried
in who I am.

So my face stayed dry,
but don’t mistake the lack of rain.
These eyes
are full
of quiet pain.
Jun 4 · 51
Torn
Sean Maloney Jun 4
I’m torn
My friends hate me
My name is being gossiped
I asked what I should do
I was instructed to stay quiet
“I was instructed to stay quiet”

This *****
How do I support a friend
Going through a really rough time
While people blame me
I don’t even care!
About the drama
The dumb band positions
It doesn’t matter

Why am I
Falling victim
Of others’ conflicts

Can I please get a breather
Can the hate texts stop
Can everyone look at me without disgust

I can’t argue
I can’t tell the truth
I can’t defend my friend

I’m torn
In all parts
Left to rot
Like I couldn’t matter
Like I don’t have a soul
Jun 2 · 79
365 Notes
Sean Maloney Jun 2
1.
I miss you, and I know you’ll never know, but I wanted to care for you so bad today.

2.
I still imagine that dream house of ours.

3.
Where’s my queen of purple?

4.
Why did it happen so fast?

5.
I love you to the moon and across infinity.

6.
You made my day without even trying. That’s not something I’ll ever forget.

7.
You’re still in every corner of my thoughts, no matter how much I clean.

8.
I keep typing your name. And deleting it.

9.
There’s no one I want to send things to anymore.

10.
I pretend I’m fine. But I think my eyes give me away.

11.
You don’t reach out. I don’t either. But I still hope you do.

12.
When I see purple, I feel something I can’t explain.

13.
I wonder if you feel lighter, not talking to me.

14.
Some memories are too good to delete, even if they hurt now.

15.
I haven’t laughed the same since we stopped talking.

16.
You made me feel like I was worth listening to.

17.
It’s been weeks and I still think, “Maybe today she’ll say something.”

18.
You were never background noise. You were the volume all the way up.

19.
I still remember exactly how you texted when you were tired.

20.
If I showed you how I really felt, would you come back?

21.
It hurts knowing we’re both pretending we’re okay.

22.
Even silence feels different when it’s coming from you.

23.
It was never just snaps. It was you, and me, and everything in between.

24.
You didn’t need to be mine to feel like home.

25.
Every time I open Snapchat, I hope you’re first.

26.
You felt like my favorite part of the day, every day.

27.
I wonder if you scroll past my name the way I scroll past yours — slowly.

28.
I miss having someone who actually cared how I was doing.

29.
You always saw the things I didn’t say. That’s what I miss most.

30.
I see people trying to be close with me, and I still only wish it was you.

31.
I don’t talk about you out loud, but you’re still everywhere.

32.
Maybe if I’d said less, or said more, you’d still be here.

33.
I didn’t need a label to know what we had was real.

34.
I keep going over everything, trying to figure out what broke.

35.
We weren’t dating. But losing you felt worse than any breakup.

36.
Even if I talk to other people, I only listen for you.

37.
You’re the only one who ever made the world feel slower.

38.
I miss the way your mind worked. I miss the way you made mine better.

39.
Some people felt temporary. You never did.

40.
I wasn’t ready to lose the one person who made life softer.

41.
No one else had the ability to ruin and save my day with one message.

42.
I wish I had been better at holding you without having to hold you.

43.
I never told you how safe I felt with you. Even through a screen.

44.
I miss our midnight typing pauses — both waiting to see who says it first.

45.
I wonder what you think when you see my name. If anything.

46.
You made purple a feeling.

47.
I keep catching myself thinking in “we.”

48.
If this wasn’t love, it was still the closest thing I’ve ever felt to it.

49.
I’d still drop everything to hear how your day was.

50.
Even now, it’s still you.

51.
There’s a difference between being alone and feeling your absence.

52.
I keep thinking if I wait long enough, you’ll miss me too.

53.
Every time someone makes me laugh, I compare it to yours.

54.
You’re not replaceable. I’ve stopped trying.

55.
There’s no conversation that feels full without you in it.

56.
Sometimes I want to send a single “hey.” But I never do.

57.
The worst part is not knowing if you’re hurting too.

58.
You always knew when something was off. I wonder if you feel it now.

59.
There’s a kind of silence that sounds like your name.

60.
It’s not like I don’t have people. I just don’t have you.

61.
I hope you’re doing okay. I really, truly do.

62.
I wish we could go back to one of those nights where everything felt easy.

63.
You made things feel lighter. Everything’s heavier now.

64.
Some days, I catch myself smiling at a memory and then crash into the fact that it’s just a memory.

65.
We didn’t even have to try. That’s what made it special.

66.
It still feels weird that I can’t just tell you things anymore.

67.
I try not to romanticize it. But it was real, and that’s worse.

68.
If I had one more chance to talk to you, I think I’d just listen.

69.
Sometimes I rehearse things in my head like you’re still here to answer.

70.
Even my best days end with your name floating around somewhere in the back of my mind.

71.
We never got to be an “us,” but it still feels like I lost something permanent.

72.
There’s this weird hope that somehow, someday, it just clicks back.

73.
I miss how you always noticed when I wasn’t okay — even when I didn’t.

74.
No one else asks how I really am. They’re not you.

75.
The days feel longer without someone to send the little things to.

76.
I didn’t just miss the person. I missed the feeling.

77.
We weren’t perfect. But we were something rare.

78.
I hate that I don’t know what you’re laughing at anymore.

79.
Your absence shows up in the smallest places.

80.
The part of me that believes in people still believes in you.

81.
I haven’t changed your name. I still want to see it.

82.
I wish you knew how many good things I still associate with you.

83.
I didn’t know I’d be grieving someone still alive.

84.
You weren’t mine. But I still feel like I lost everything.

85.
Some moments still catch me off guard. Like when I almost tell you something before I remember.

86.
I think I’m scared you’re happier without me.

87.
We never made it official, but it still feels like a breakup.

88.
Maybe someday you’ll read something I wrote and know it’s about you.

89.
You always told me I felt things deeply. You had no idea.

90.
I’m still here, quietly hoping the next time I open Snapchat… it’s you.

91.
I don’t know what this is between us, but it still makes me nervous and happy all at once.

92.
When you responded, my whole body exhaled.

93.
It’s weird how fast you still feel familiar.

94.
Your texts feel like sunlight in a house I thought was boarded up.

95.
I don’t know if we’re rebuilding or just visiting the ruins.

96.
Your “hey” brought back every version of us.

97.
Even small talk with you feels like something sacred.

98.
I catch myself rereading your messages like they’re poems.

99.
I wish I didn’t care so much about what each message means — but I do.

100.
You still know how to say the one thing I need to hear.

101.
I miss the way you used to just… get me. Maybe we still have that.

102.
It’s strange how I still crave your attention like nothing’s changed.

103.
Some days, we feel brand new. Other days, I feel like a memory you’re trying to forget.

104.
I want to ask you if you ever missed me, but I’m scared of the answer.

105.
Talking to you again feels like trying to walk barefoot on familiar ground that still has shards.

106.
You said something the other day that made me laugh out loud. I missed that sound coming from me.

107.
I’m trying not to expect too much, but I can’t help hoping.

108.
You don’t know how hard it is not to tell you I still care like it’s day one.

109.
I keep holding my breath between messages, waiting for warmth.

110.
There are moments I feel us again, and then they’re gone.

111.
You still have this way of making me forget all the time that’s passed.

112.
I almost told you how much I missed you today. Almost.

113.
Sometimes I think you’re trying too. Other times I think I’m alone in this.

114.
If we don’t work out, I hope you know I’ll still be glad we tried.

115.
You don’t need to be perfect — you just need to be here.

116.
It’s funny how quickly you made my day feel full again.

117.
I’m scared to love again. Not because of love. Because it might not be you.

118.
You told me something random and personal. I haven’t felt that trusted in a while.

119.
Even when we’re awkward, it still feels better than silence.

120.
I’m not expecting anything. But I’m quietly hoping everything.

121.
Sometimes I get the feeling we’re both pretending not to remember.

122.
You told me I looked happy. I wanted to say, “You’re the reason I do.”

123.
We’re tiptoeing around the past like it can’t hear us.

124.
Maybe this isn’t perfect. But it’s something. And I’ll take it.

125.
The little things you say still land like they used to.

126.
I thought I was past this. And then you typed back.

127.
I don’t know where this is going. But I’m walking anyway.

128.
I haven’t laughed like that in months. Thank you.

129.
You’re still the one I want to talk to last before I sleep.

130.
You apologized for something small. I wanted to say “I forgive you for everything.”

131.
There’s a version of me that only existed with you — I felt him again today.

132.
I’m scared we’re building something again without calling it that.

133.
It’s strange how I still remember the rhythm of our messages.

134.
I’m trying not to get attached again. I’m also failing.

135.
We’re writing something new over the same page.

136.
You said “lol” and I smiled like it was 2023 again.

137.
This is the part where we figure out what’s left between us.

138.
You still bring out parts of me I thought I lost.

139.
Every time you reply, I believe in something again.

140.
I’m scared to hope. But I think I am anyway.

141.
Even now, you can undo a hard day with one message.

142.
I wonder if you’re thinking about this as much as I am.

143.
Some moments feel like we never stopped. Others feel like we never started.

144.
I hope we’re not just a soft repeat of something we never got right.

145.
You told me goodnight, and it stayed with me until morning.

146.
I miss you. But in a quieter way now. A familiar ache.

147.
If this is just temporary, I still needed it.

148.
I can’t tell if we’re healing or reopening something.

149.
You still make me want to be softer with the world.

150.
This doesn’t feel like the end. Not yet.

151.
There’s comfort here. But it’s not you.

152.
I smile when I’m supposed to. But it never reaches the part of me you used to touch.

153.
She’s kind. She listens. But she doesn’t speak my language the way you did.

154.
Some nights, I still talk to you in my head first.

155.
The way you knew me — it wasn’t loud. It was certain.

156.
Even now, I catch myself imagining your reaction instead of hers.

157.
She tries to comfort me, but her healing power isn’t purple. Not like yours.

158.
I keep pretending this is progress. But healing shouldn’t feel like hiding.

159.
You haunt me in moments I thought were moving forward.

160.
There’s softness here, but not the kind you gave.

161.
I laugh sometimes. And then I realize it’s the kind of laugh I’d have sent to you.

162.
I used to feel known. Now I just feel understood.

163.
Every smile I give now feels slightly borrowed.

164.
You made silence feel safe. Nothing else does.

165.
It feels like I’m painting in grayscale when I used to paint in purple.

166.
Even if I wanted to forget you, the stars still say your name.

167.
I wish I could show someone else the parts of me I saved for you.

168.
Some nights, I wish I didn’t know what it was like to feel seen.

169.
I’m not comparing. I’m remembering.

170.
I never had to explain myself with you. Now I overexplain everything.

171.
I keep telling myself you were just a phase. But nothing else feels like the rest.

172.
I used to call you when I needed comfort. Now I just wait for time to pass.

173.
You weren’t just someone — you were the way I breathed.

174.
Some feelings don’t fade. They just find new places to ache.

175.
I tell stories and forget who I told them to first. Then I remember it was always you.

176.
Every time I feel safe, I wonder what it would feel like with you again.

177.
I’m not lost. But I don’t feel found anymore either.

178.
It’s not fair to miss you like this. But it’s honest.

179.
You never needed to try to make me feel important.

180.
I still think about that one conversation that made me feel human again.

181.
Sometimes I want to ask you if you still think of me, but I already know I wouldn’t believe the answer.

182.
If this is what peace looks like, why do I still ache?

183.
You were the only person who made me want to write again.

184.
This world feels fine. Yours felt real.

185.
We were never official. But you were the most real thing I had.

186.
I let someone else hold the space you left behind. It still echoes.

187.
You were my favorite part of quiet.

188.
You made me believe in things I don’t know how to believe in anymore.

189.
There’s nothing wrong with her. But she’s not you. And that’s the problem.

190.
You didn’t need to try. You just were.

191.
Sometimes I feel okay, and then I see purple and remember I’m not.

192.
Even when things feel stable, I still wonder how you’d say my name now.

193.
No one says my name the way you did — like it meant something.

194.
There’s no playlist that drowns you out.

195.
I still hear you when something beautiful happens.

196.
You were the first person I wanted to show the sky to.

197.
Even when I’m smiling, I still wish I was smiling next to you.

198.
She makes me feel calm. You made me feel alive.

199.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving the way you made me feel seen.

200.
Some people are safe. But you were sanctuary.

201.
You made my heart feel like it had a place to rest.

202.
Even when I try to move on, you still live in the way I speak.

203.
You’re not a memory. You’re a part of the structure.

204.
You made me feel like there was more to life than just surviving.

205.
Every little kindness from her reminds me of the effortless way you used to care.

206.
I didn’t expect this. I thought it would be easier.

207.
Some people help you forget. You just reminded me how deep I could feel.

208.
I wish I could tell you how much I still want to make you proud.

209.
This isn’t about romance. This is about missing my person.

210.
You weren’t my love story. You were my anchor.

211.
I can’t lie to myself. I’m still carrying you.

212.
There’s a softness in me that belongs to you.

213.
It’s like I’m living beside myself now — watching me pretend I’ve moved on.

214.
I tried to talk about you in past tense. It didn’t feel right.

215.
Somehow I still expect you to understand me without explanation.

216.
It’s not your absence that hurts most. It’s how I’ve learned to live with it.

217.
I’m not angry anymore. Just… quieter.

218.
Some days I forget what it felt like to lose you. Then I remember everything at once.

219.
This isn’t regret. It’s longing.

220.
You were never a phase. You were a shift in the atmosphere.

221.
She tells me I look distant sometimes. I want to say, “That’s where Eliza lives.”

222.
I wanted this to be easy. But nothing that’s ever mattered was.

223.
I don’t want you back. I want you near.

224.
The problem isn’t that I miss you. It’s that no one else makes me forget.

225.
You are still the standard I measure silence by.

226.
I think part of me will always be waiting for your voice.

227.
They ask me what I’m thinking. I just say “nothing.” But I mean “you.”

228.
I thought I could build something new. But the blueprint still says your name.

229.
Even in this peace, I still whisper your name.

230.
She’s not the problem. My heart is just still yours.

231.
Some days, I pretend you’re just a friend I used to know. But my heart doesn’t believe it.

232.
You weren’t a love story. You were a definition.

233.
It’s not that I want to go back. I just want to know if you ever felt it like I did.

234.
She’s wonderful. But I still reach for you in my mind.

235.
You live in my metaphors. Still.

236.
I stopped looking for someone like you. Because no one is.

237.
Even in love, I feel your absence.

238.
You weren’t mine. But I belonged to you anyway.

239.
Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who understands. But it’ll never be the same language.

240.
I’ve moved forward. But not on.

241.
You said something simple and it lit up my whole day. Just like old times.

242.
I didn’t realize how much I missed the way you say my name until you said it again.

243.
This time feels softer. Less like lightning, more like sunrise.

244.
We’re different now. But the way I care hasn’t changed a bit.

245.
You sent a voice note and I smiled before even playing it.

246.
I don’t want to mess this up. I just want to hold it right this time.

247.
Talking to you again feels like a second chance I didn’t know I needed.

248.
I never stopped being proud of you. I just stopped being able to tell you.

249.
This version of you still feels like home.

250.
I keep reading your messages and realizing I’m smiling again.

251.
Maybe this isn’t the beginning, or the end. Maybe it’s us, figuring it out.

252.
I want to be someone safe for you again. Even just in texts.

253.
The way you said “I missed this” made everything quiet in my chest.

254.
You bring out a gentleness in me no one else can reach.

255.
We don’t need to rush. I’d rather do this right.

256.
You’re still the one I want to tell everything to first.

257.
I’m not trying to recreate what we had. I want to build something with the person you are now.

258.
You sent “goodnight” and I swear I felt peace for the first time in months.

259.
This isn’t some big love confession. It’s just me saying, “You still matter. Deeply.”

260.
I remembered something you said last year. I wanted to say — you were right.

261.
You’re still easy to talk to, even after everything.

262.
When I think of the people who’ve changed me, you’re always at the top.

263.
You don’t have to say much. Just being here again says enough.

264.
Even the awkward pauses between us feel safe.

265.
I don’t need fireworks this time. I just want something steady and real with you.

266.
You said “I’m glad we’re talking again” and I had to look away from my screen for a second.

267.
I don’t know what this is, but it’s growing in the quiet. And that feels right.

268.
If this is the beginning of something better, I’m all in.

269.
I’m not scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of losing you again.

270.
You said “me too.” That’s all I needed.

271.
You were here. And then… nothing.

272.
I keep refreshing for a message I know isn’t coming.

273.
Did I say too much? Or not enough?

274.
It felt like we were becoming something again. I don’t know what happened.

275.
You said you missed talking to me. What changed?

276.
This silence is different from before. It’s heavier because now I know what it could’ve been.

277.
I keep telling myself you’re just busy. But my chest still tightens anyway.

278.
I was starting to believe in us again. That might’ve been the mistake.

279.
I’m not mad. I’m just confused. And kind of heartbroken in a quiet way.

280.
Maybe it’s nothing. But nothing hurts more when it follows something.

281.
You said “talk soon.” You didn’t lie. You just didn’t mean it.

282.
I’m back to rereading our last conversation like it’s a clue.

283.
I’m not asking for everything. Just for something.

284.
If this is the end again, I wish I’d seen it coming.

285.
You left gently this time. And that almost hurts more.

286.
You said good morning and suddenly the whole day felt lighter.

287.
This doesn’t feel rushed. It just feels right.

288.
We don’t have to name this. I just want to be here, wherever “here” is with you.

289.
There’s something different about your voice now — like softness found its way back in.

290.
You make the little things feel sacred.

291.
I stopped wondering if this is temporary. I just started enjoying it.

292.
You’ve never looked more beautiful to me than you do when you’re just being yourself.

293.
I like the way we don’t need to fill every silence. Some of them feel warm now.

294.
You said you were proud of me. And I believed you.

295.
This feels like healing together, not apart.

296.
You’ve always felt like home. But now, it’s like I get to live there again.

297.
We’re still figuring it out, and that’s okay. I don’t want to rush this.

298.
You’re not just comfort anymore — you’re clarity.

299.
I love the way you speak with care, even when you’re unsure.

300.
This feels like us. Not trying to be what we were — just being who we are.

301.
Every time you say my name, it steadies something in me.

302.
You’re the only person who can make me feel calm just by showing up.

303.
I used to miss you with desperation. Now I miss you with hope.

304.
There’s nothing urgent about this. Just a quiet, mutual want.

305.
I’m not scared anymore. I think we’re doing this the way we were supposed to.

306.
The way you care — it’s in the details. I notice.

307.
You’ve never felt more real to me than you do right now.

308.
We used to hold each other through screens. Now it feels like we’re finally face to face.

309.
You said “I’m here.” And this time, you stayed.

310.
I want to remember this version of us — soft, growing, still choosing each other.

311.
I don’t feel the need to prove anything anymore. I just want to show up for you.

312.
It feels easy again. Not because it’s simple, but because it’s right.

313.
You could’ve walked away for good. But you didn’t. Thank you.

314.
I don’t know how this ends. I just know I’m glad we made it back.

315.
Whatever this is, I want to keep building it with you.

316.
I think we both knew it was ending, but neither of us wanted to say it out loud.

317.
You didn’t disappear. You just got quieter. And I didn’t want to ask why.

318.
The last time you said “talk later,” I felt it was the last.

319.
I don’t regret a single message. Even the ones you never answered.

320.
This isn’t a breakup. It’s a quiet goodbye with no label.

321.
I kept expecting you to fight for it. But maybe we were both too tired.

322.
We never said we were over. We just stopped happening.

323.
I reread the things you said when we were trying again. I don’t think you were lying.

324.
Sometimes love doesn’t die. It just can’t carry the weight anymore.

325.
There’s a difference between moving on and letting go. I’m still learning how to do either.

326.
The worst part is how kind the ending was. Like we both knew we couldn’t stay.

327.
I didn’t want this to fade. But I think we let it.

328.
I keep thinking there’ll be one last message. There never is.

329.
We got so close. Closer than most. But not close enough to stay.

330.
You mattered. You still do. That doesn’t change just because we did.

331.
I loved how soft we were in the end. We didn’t break — we unraveled.

332.
Maybe the kindest thing we did was not force it when it started to go.

333.
You were never mine. But I loved you like you were.

334.
I still don’t know what to call us. But I know what it felt like.

335.
Sometimes the strongest love is the one that doesn’t ask to stay.

336.
I didn’t expect the last message to be the last.

337.
You weren’t a chapter. You were the author of so much in me.

338.
It’s okay that we didn’t end loud. It still hurts quiet.

339.
Even now, I still hope you’re doing okay. Especially now.

340.
You made me believe again. That counts for something.

341.
Thank you for showing up again. Even if it wasn’t forever.

342.
I wish I had one last day to just tell you everything. Not to fix it — just to be real.

343.
This isn’t bitterness. It’s just love with nowhere to go.

344.
Somewhere in me, you’re still there. Just softer now.

345.
Maybe we weren’t meant to last. But we were meant to meet.

346.
The truth is, I’d do it all again. Even the ending.

347.
I won’t forget how it felt to be wanted by you. Even briefly.

348.
You didn’t have to love me the same way. I just wanted you near.

349.
I still carry pieces of you, even as I try to make room for new ones.

350.
We didn’t get a proper goodbye. Maybe we didn’t need one.

351.
I don’t hate you. I don’t blame you. I just… miss you.

352.
Some nights, I still imagine you saying my name one more time.

353.
You don’t need to reach out. I’ll still wish you the best anyway.

354.
Even if this is it, you were my favorite “almost.”

355.
You taught me how to open up again. That’s a kind of love too.

356.
I don’t know what you meant to me. But it was more than anything else ever did.

357.
I still feel you in songs, in dreams, in sudden silences.

358.
We didn’t crash. We drifted. But it still hurts like a wreck.

359.
You didn’t break me. But I’m still putting myself back together.

360.
Maybe we’ll meet again in some other version of this life.

361.
You mattered. You always will.

362.
If you ever wonder, yes — I meant every word.

363.
I still have so many things I want to say. But I won’t.

364.
I loved you in a way that made the world feel different.

365.
And I still do.
They may not be in order, but I wrote you these notes over the past year and a half, I figured it’s worth putting them out instead of sitting in a drawer for poetry inspiration.
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