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I’m self centered for ignoring your feelings
I’m selfish for only seeing my pain
I’m self deprecating for believing the worst
I’m stupid for not telling you how I felt

I thought you were happy
I felt like I was some unwanted safe space
I believed everything real you preferred
I ignored everything you had told me

And you said it again
Yet I took the wrong intent
Now I feel dumb and sorry
I made it harder for you to break the silence

I’m reworking my thoughts
I’m reorganizing my feelings
I hope you can forgive me
I won’t make that mistake again
Jul 6 · 149
Dr Pepper
Sean Maloney Jul 6
Three Dr Peppers down
Yet not even close to a fraction of a Celsius
Three Dr Peppers down
But they only stir up dark thoughts of us
Jul 4 · 55
One Last Run
Sean Maloney Jul 4
Therapy
What a deep word
To some it’s a joke
For people like me-it’s everything

Therapy is the pain at every fall
The dread until I climb
The hope that I’ll get up again
The drive to keep my head up

But last time I went I had friends,
I had things to do,
I had hope
Not sure where they all went

I’ll give it a go
New therapist, same boring me
Same depressed me
Same empty me
(Same broken me)

I’ll give life-
One last run
(Maybe the final run)
Jul 3 · 60
When Silence Ticks
Sean Maloney Jul 3
Seconds pass like hours
Yet my heart beats quick-
To the thought of your voice
Soft and electric-making silence tick
Jul 2 · 73
Missing
Sean Maloney Jul 2
Not gone-
Away

Not indefinite-
Temporary

Not preferable-
Forced

Not lost-
Missing
Jul 2 · 49
Tantrum
Sean Maloney Jul 2
My heart threw a tantrum
Wailing through anxiety for days
Until it got tired
Until it missed the love

I used to long for the warmth
Now it seems I can’t escape from it
And it’s not that I want to
It wasn’t used to switching back for a moment

But I think it’s cooled down
I’ll manage the rest on my own
It’s my turn to deal with pain
Simple as that
Jul 2 · 31
The Dark
Sean Maloney Jul 2
******* in knots
Spewing nausea in an endless stream
Keeping my head in the dark
That’s my stomach for you

I can’t stand tennis without keeling over
Couldn’t finish half a meal
My mom thinks I need a job
What would I know, I’m in the dark

Maybe I should try therapy- again
Let someone tell me my life as it is
Then at least I won’t be alone 23.8 hours a day
I think that’d be nice

I miss having people to cope with
Now it’s just one or the other- or none
Everyone is growing distant-
Like my ex best friends

But how would I know
I’m in the dark
Waiting for something to shine down-
To take me out of the dark
Jul 1 · 41
Follow
Sean Maloney Jul 1
Nobody could get me
How it’s worth it to plant my feet
But really I just follow my heart
It’s a very clear path
Jul 1 · 50
Alone
Sean Maloney Jul 1
The voices are everywhere
Yet only audible to me
It’s like the world just stopped spinning
Leaving me slowly drifting off the ground

Nobody to talk to
Nothing to open up about
No private notes to share
Just waiting for days to pass by

I wonder what I live for
And I think I know the answer
But does it matter
She’s not here for 120 hours
Jun 30 · 24
Family…
Sean Maloney Jun 30
Murderer
Murderer
Murderer
A word I can’t get out of my head
A murderer is moving back into my house

Could he just disappear again
Jail, apartment, the street
I really don’t have a preference
Just find a place for the lunatic

Obviously I don’t sympathize
But I used to have his anger
It took me years to contain mine
Yet he feels good even yelling at his kids

We didn’t have the same experience
He lost his mother
A person he lived with for two extra years
Someone he could never support-
Not with money nor words
I lost a grandmother I couldn’t seem to stop caring about
Not in the five years she came to live with us
Yet she hated me
A grandchild who did nothing but care
I wanted to know her and learn her stories
But she pushed me aside like I was too much
Well
I’m depressed, close to failing grades
I have one dream and I don’t know where it ends
Am I bad enough for you now?
Jun 30 · 144
Untitled
Sean Maloney Jun 30
I’m just
I’m going to try to sleep
If I’m up all night so be it
This hurts
Jun 30 · 51
Untitled
Sean Maloney Jun 30
Hey
Where’d you go
I know where I went
Crazy
Jun 30 · 30
True Love
Sean Maloney Jun 30
A concept I never thought real,
One I believed I’d never know,
Something I longed to have.

And now that I do,
I’m learning everyday,
What makes it true.

The ever longing feeling when we’re apart,
The butterflies I get being next to you,
How everything fades out when I see you,
That sensation when our eyes lock.

True love isn’t lust,
It isn’t being crazy obsessed,
It isn’t even caring too much.

True love is choosing a person,
Even when you think you shouldn’t,
And returning to it,
No matter what stands in the way.

I live a life with true love each day,
Thinking about them more than I do myself,
But most importantly,
Standing ready to return at a moment’s notice.
If this isn’t true love, it might as well be, I’m not looking.
Jun 30 · 27
The Space Between Us
Sean Maloney Jun 30
There’s a lot of space between us
Even so
I wished you’d hear the engine spattering
My foot lifting off the clutch slightly too quick

There’s a lot of space between us
Yet you’re still on my mind
Good, bad, longing thoughts-
I can’t seem to shake off

There’s a lot of space between us
But you’re still filling my heart
Making the world bright and purple
Lifting me up inside

That space between us
It echoes in my soul
Pounding through my chest
Trembling across my fingers

The space between us
Isn’t a lovely thing
But somehow-
It’s still pure
Jun 28 · 142
In My Arms
Sean Maloney Jun 28
I’ll only stop thinking of you once I wake,
If instead
You’re in my arms as morning breaks-
Not in my head.
Jun 26 · 30
Compliment
Sean Maloney Jun 26
You called me hot
Attracting all the butterflies
Who knew being so vulnerable
Could feel so right
Jun 26 · 36
She
Sean Maloney Jun 26
She
She gets me completely,
where other people don’t,
where I thought people never could
She sees my energy and matches or raises it,
she’s here for me forever,
she doesn’t fail to help when I need it-
even without asking
And she tries her **** best to be “good enough”
as if she isn’t already so perfect-
So perfect that I don’t think I deserve her.
Jun 24 · 53
Gold
Sean Maloney Jun 24
You called my eyes gold
When I stepped out of the car to buy clothes
But I told you they were just hazel
Yet you insisted I was gold

Today was typical
I got the sax out
Pressed play
Started learning my solos

But the music, my air, it came over me
I closed my eyes for a second, and in the next moment I was standing up by the window, a beam of sunlight blinding me
So I closed my eyes again
I wanted to see as I felt in the moment

This time I imagined an audience
For some reason though, I couldn’t care less about them
My parents, or siblings, or even the director
I just wanted you to hear it
To see golden boy with his golden sax

And when I opened my eyes
I saw myself in the tv reflection
Not the stupid insecure boy
But the golden boy you love

It’s funny
I used to be so insecure
And when I met you
I was convinced I didn’t have a chance
Yet somehow
You convinced me to find good in myself-
To be confident of it

You made me a better person
Just by detailing the real me
Changing me completely-
Yet staying the exact same
Now you’re the gold, and I want you to see it too
Jun 24 · 54
Sunlight
Sean Maloney Jun 24
Sunlight changes people
Some get burnt all over
Others tan until they look like another person
But I think she’s got it best
Every detail I love about her-
It shines

Her blue eyes reflect the world in front of her
Her skin appears closer, and smooth
Her hair becomes golden like sunlight
And her words travel across the heat
Making every muscle in my body quiver

I might have golden hair and eyes
But you’re the true gold, girl
I don’t think I’d be gold at all-
Not without my lovely ray of sunshine
Jun 22 · 74
Nostalgic For Love
Sean Maloney Jun 22
I don’t believe time
How was it over a year ago
When our hearts first came together

I could’ve sworn we were not a thing-
Which as itself was a thing-
Less than six months ago

I love looking at our saved snaps
But it hurts
All those memories fading

Our love isn’t the same
It’s mature, settled, teenage-bonded
Spontaneous if you will

I don’t miss those days
I love us now
I just forget what it was like to love you then
Jun 21 · 285
Not To Jinx It
Sean Maloney Jun 21
I know how life works
My luck hasn’t failed to disappoint me yet
But I’ve got to say
I feel happy with you
I’m happy with you
Jun 21 · 55
Stay
Sean Maloney Jun 21
I can’t sleep after what happened yesterday. I said things that I may have thought at the moment, but they aren’t how I feel, it was the nerves talking. I’m sorry to be such a pain and piece of work, you shouldn’t have to deal with me in this state, regardless of the situation. I’m glad we got to fix the night, and have yet another truthful conversation. But I think I just wanted more, as I always do, and three hours of talking in a day didn’t feel like enough. Had you not come back though, I would be in tears, where instead I’m peacefully taking in the anxious pain left over from a long day. Maybe it’s something to consider, getting better at distance, being okay with weird situations. But I also know I missed you too much to want anything but you here right now in every moment. So don’t go. For a day, for a few hours, for even a minute. Just stay here with me. It’s gonna be tough sometimes, but we always work through it, we understand and don’t need to argue over anything. Sometimes I wonder, why I stayed through it all, no matter how hard it got. I realize now more than ever, it’s because I’m so in love with you, my heart bleeds more for you than it ever will for anyone else, even myself. But I want it to for you. I want anything, everything, as long as it comes with you. Stay.
Paragraph time
Jun 21 · 79
Wonder
Sean Maloney Jun 21
I wonder what it’s like

For you to be tangible
Not an idea-
Not a feeling-
But just a person
Someone in my life

I wish you were
Instead of a face on a screen
Pictures in my head
Memories sewn together in dreams

I just wonder some days
When you’ll be a person
Someone to touch-
Feel-
Look at

I wonder if I’ll ever be enough to do so
Jun 21 · 74
Purple Crayon
Sean Maloney Jun 21
If I had a purple crayon
I’d draw us together

I’d erase all our problems
Creating a world for the two of us
A world we can be happy

We’d forget what our problems were
Living carefree in each others arms
All because of this crayon
It fixed our mess for us

But I don’t have a crayon
And we’re here now

I’d ask you for a crayon
But I think I have for years
Jun 20 · 59
Worry
Sean Maloney Jun 20
I know you’re okay
                                   But I worry
                                                        And miss you
                            I want you back
Where are you
                            Come back
                                                 I love you
Jun 20 · 64
Vulnerable
Sean Maloney Jun 20
Today felt real
And I know we’re real
But it didn’t feel like living off a chance
It felt like we were living now

I’ve been dreaming of us for years
Caring about you for months
Talking to you for weeks
But today was somehow different
You showed me vulnerable
And it clicked
You’re not talking to me
The weird kid
The boy who can’t do anything right
You’re talking to Sean
The projected confidence
The bundle of odd talent
And many things I personally wouldn’t call myself

But now I know
Who I really am
Because you see Sean for who he is
And I want to too
Jun 20 · 206
Spoken
Sean Maloney Jun 20
I’m running out of words to write,
But it’s not because I’m out of ideas.
I talk to you in poetry,
Each message containing a memorable line,
One that I could paste here,
But feels too personal- too real to record.

But I’m still here,
The Sean you fell for,
The Sean you can’t stop falling for.
I’m just adapting,
Learning to say the things I want to say,
Instead of posting them.
Jun 17 · 78
Fantasy
Sean Maloney Jun 17
Maybe I don’t tell you enough
That being with you
Hasn’t just been an idea the past two years
It’s been my fantasy

And no more losing hope
Or letting you walk away
I’m putting my foot down
Because you’re my fantasy

My only fantasy
Jun 16 · 558
Understand
Sean Maloney Jun 16
Can’t sleep
They won’t stop kicking and yelling
Why don’t they understand
Not everyone gets to live stupidly
I want to not feel pain for six hours
Jun 16 · 59
Planes
Sean Maloney Jun 16
I hate planes
Taking me away from you
What’s worse than how it pains-
Is how I know what you say is true

You do miss me more
And it’s hard to admit
Because I can’t measure your effect in my heart’s core
Yet somehow - you handle worse ****

I wish I could make us painless
No waiting or missing
But all I have is truthful promises
I hope it’s at least partially soothing

So I write to you now
Pleading for a promised forgiveness
I’m sorry to make you frown
Do you accept nudges?
Jun 16 · 63
Blurple
Sean Maloney Jun 16
Blue eyes gazing upon me
Emitting beautiful reflections-
But hinting at true beauty that lives inside
I think that’s the first think I noticed about you

My heart was trying to reveal the Purple Heart you concealed
Hidden-
But waiting for someone alike to be unlocked
Now there’s no going back
Our hearts are full-
As one

You’re blurple
It’s quite simple-
The luring blue sea leads to a beating purple mass
And my purld self couldn’t stay away
So keep chasing that gold
It’s not running away
Jun 16 · 45
Spontaneous
Sean Maloney Jun 16
I can’t promise painless
I won’t fight reality
I’m not perfect
But I can try my **** best for you

So send the battles my way
I’ll do my best to help
Maybe I won’t be much
But I can hope to be enough

I live life on the edge
No wonder everything about me is spontaneous
Yet there’s always one constant-
You

Whether I like you-
Or love you
Worry about you-
Or care for you
I’m here
That’s not changing
Jun 15 · 53
Best Friend
Sean Maloney Jun 15
Something like a cursed title
Everyone who takes that label in my life-
Either hates me or left me

Well-
Except for one
But she’s not my bestie really
She’s my lover
Does it still count?
Jun 15 · 51
Scarless
Sean Maloney Jun 15
I’m scarred
From head to toe
But not with circles or lines
No, my mind wouldn’t let me do that
No matter how hard I try
Blade against the skin-
My body trembles
I keep trying to do something
But all of me says no
Let the pain linger on its own

It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could
My methods don’t really help
What does a fist covered in blood do-
Knuckles begging for a wall to cool off in
I don’t even have anger
I just like the way it stings and burns
And how I can look at myself and see pain
Not just feel it
Jun 15 · 67
I’m Sorry
Sean Maloney Jun 15
I’m sorry you’ll wake up to this
I’m sorry you can’t fix everything
I’m sorry for this whole crisis
I’m sorry it’s tiring for you to be anything

I’m sorry I miss you so much
I’m sorry I say I love you so often
I’m sorry you can’t feel my touch
I’m sorry it’s hard to get me to soften

But I’m truly sorry for the pain I can’t fix
Because I know some of it is love’s tricks
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But don’t leave. I’m sorry.
Jun 15 · 42
Uncertainty
Sean Maloney Jun 15
I think I’ve always wanted security
My anxiety eats at anything uncertain
So I ask a million questions
Hoping the answers calm me

But I don’t think the chaos is avoidable
Maybe my nights of crying are deserved
It’s for the lore
Intended to make me who I will be

I’m so broken
Don’t even kid yourself
I can take a hello and make it like a goodbye
Everything in my head is wrong

I’ve always wondered why many others live
Why they don’t slowly die- like me
But I think I realize now
It’s how I was built

I’m a bundle of scraps
Fused falsely to form a half being
My parts strong in the worst ways
I can never escape the torment of uncertainty

I wish I could just hurt myself
Save me the pain I build in my whole body
The thoughts that won’t quit
Why do I make little things everything

I have cool traits
So see me as great
But they’re all baits
To lure me to a good fate
Jun 14 · 51
Clarity
Sean Maloney Jun 14
You exist like a thought I never meant to say out loud-
but now that I have, I can’t imagine silence without you.

You say maybe I’ll find someone else filling-
But I say baby,
If there’s someone else waiting,
My answer is I have a lady.

You’ve expressed your doubts,
And I hear your thoughts,
However you hit all the spots-
My heard had kept hidden in knots.

To be honest- you complete me,
So much all I think of saying is true,
So here’s something I can guarantee-
I love you
Jun 13 · 75
As Hard As I Can
Sean Maloney Jun 13
You say I see you too kindly,
like the way I talk about you doesn’t match the mirror.
But I’m not making anything up.
I’m just telling you what’s always been there-
what you won’t admit,
but I’ve always seen.

You’re warmth.
Not just kind warmth-
but the kind I’ve been looking for,
the kind I thought didn’t exist.

I tell you you’re beautiful,
and you give me that look.
But it’s not about belief.
It’s just what’s true.

You’ve said you might love me more.
Maybe you do.
But I still love you like it’s the only thing I’m sure of.
And that doesn’t stop
just because someone’s love runs louder.

When I play, I lose myself in sound.
But when I’m with you,
I don’t want to be anything else.
No note I’ll ever play
means more than sitting beside you when nothing’s happening.

Music makes me feel everything.
You make me feel home.

So even if you shake your head at what I say-
even if you never fully believe it-

I’ll still say it.
I’ll still mean it.
I’ll still love you
as hard as I can.
Jun 13 · 58
Notes and Heartbeats
Sean Maloney Jun 13
I hold two things close to me in life

Music
The thing I plan to pursue
My goals and accomplishments

And her
The person I love most
My dreams and safe place

Music makes me feel one with my instrument
I’m no longer
Myself
I can be something more
I can be the notes
Bouncing off the walls
Vibrating across the building

But she makes me feel warmth
A warmth nothing else can
A warmth I’ve longed for so long
And now-
That desire is replaced with her
Every time I fall, or jump, or even sit still-
I want her to be there-
To pick me up, or congratulate me, or sit next to me

I like making the saxophone sound warm and fuzzy
It’s my favorite sound to make
My favorite feeling is similar-
It’s the warm fuzziness my heart swells with when she’s here

My two most important things in life
Are music and love
Often intertwined
But don’t be fooled
I’d give up the music in a heartbeat-
To keep this specific love
One where our hearts beat deeper than any metronome can

I love her more than life itself
And to be honest-
I’d fight for her over myself
It’s just how I love her, and only her
Jun 13 · 412
Telepathy
Sean Maloney Jun 13
Words don’t speak-
Not like eyes do
We can promise ourselves for months
But the look we give one another says it too
There’s no secrets between us
It all spews out in a simple glance

I don’t hear the meaning in your words
I hear what’s going on in your head-
The ideas put onto the screen
You’re so readable to me
As if I know what you’ll say before I’ve seen

I can feel love next to you
I can see love in your eyes
I can hear love in your voice
I can be in love with you
And that’s all I want to do

I’d say don’t leave me now-
Don’t leave me ever
But I see in your head-
I see the same dreams, forever
Jun 12 · 55
A New Era
Sean Maloney Jun 12
Currently
We’re in uncharted territory
With things ending last April
And this past April
Summer was never us
But now we get to fix that

No more crying at night with no one there-
No one to understand
No more seeing you in every room-
Just to remember I won’t see you till band camp

It might be the start to a new era
But there’s something more
Maybe it’s the path to a new normal
Jun 12 · 68
Invisible Ink
Sean Maloney Jun 12
We hide our feelings
In invisible ink
Not because we don’t want to share
But we intend to keep it private

It’s permanent
We’re here to stay
But we temporarily show ourselves
Filling lines in every corner
And to everyone else
They see a blank paper

I don’t though
I have the ability to see your ink
A purple light to reveal our purple thoughts
And I think they’re beautiful
Do you think so too?
Jun 12 · 57
No title
Sean Maloney Jun 12
I don’t understand
Why does everything have to be drama
Like I don’t enjoy this
I’d rather not cry alone
It was all I wanted
But now that it’s here
I just want it gone
Jun 11 · 64
Defined
Sean Maloney Jun 11
Life makes sense
I don’t mean to sound like a cliche
But it does
Every moment I’ve lived through-
Has always led to you
Somehow the one thing I’m passionate about-
Brought me to put you above it

I know we’re connected-
That much is clear
But I think it’s more than that
Because I don’t just enjoy having you around-
I want you around all the time
Not only do I not want you to go-
I want you in the center of my world-
And not just my heart

The soulmate idea really had me thinking
Because we have to be more than that
There’s too much power in us
Maybe we’re twin flames
That accounts for the burning love in my heart-
The love I only have for you
Jun 11 · 43
Resurfaced Note
Sean Maloney Jun 11
Eliza... if you're thinking of ending it, I'm not gonna push you-but I am going to be honest. I want you to stay. I want you with me. And if some part of you wants that too
-if this thing between us feels as real to you as it does to me-then maybe it's worth choosing. I see you completely, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be sure about everything right now, just about how you feel in this moment. And if that's me-
I'm here.
This… is from last era
Jun 10 · 73
Feel
Sean Maloney Jun 10
It’s quiet-
For the first time in weeks
My room is boiling-
My breath hyperventilating
But it’s not making me crash
I feel stationary

Everything is a little off-
My mind is wandering,
My heart is quaking,
My lungs are contracting

I’m waiting for you to come back
I know when you do I’ll be fixed
Whether we text or call-
Or even make a tiktok ai image
When you’re here I don’t mind the heat
I don’t even feel the pain
All I feel is you
Jun 10 · 297
Out of The Public
Sean Maloney Jun 10
Stolen glances across the room
Smiles that manage to hide our thoughts-
Our feelings

During the day I act okay
Just a friend, student, brother
But as soon as I’m out of the public eye
I come running back to you

The warmth pulls me closer-
Making hours feel like seconds
And even if the moments you’re gone feel just as long-
I treasure the time we have

I’m hidden from society
But believe me when I say
I’m living the dream
And it’s because you’re in it
Jun 10 · 52
Still
Sean Maloney Jun 10
You’re not in danger.
You’re not hurt.
You’re just not here.

And still—
my chest folds like a paper map
creased where your name used to lie.
The silence grows teeth at night,
soft ones,
but they bite.

I know you’re somewhere safe.
Maybe smiling.
Maybe lost in a thought I’ll never hear.
And I don’t want to take that from you.
I just want you near.

When you leave,
it’s not disaster.
But the air doesn’t settle right.
I wait—
not because I’m desperate—
but because nothing fits
without your weight.

I tell myself you’ll be back,
that this is just space,
not distance.
But my hands don’t listen.
They reach anyway.
They always do.

There’s no storm.
No sirens.
Just a slow drip of maybe,
of soon.
Of hoping the next time I blink,
it’ll be you
walking back through the room.
Jun 9 · 67
Curse
Sean Maloney Jun 9
I thought we were over
That day people spread my name-
Like a curse
It scared me shitless
But you listened
You stayed
And I love you more for it
Jun 9 · 64
To Know
Sean Maloney Jun 9
I wish I knew
How much-
Just how much you had loved me
I could’ve saved us pain
Even if I couldn’t manage everything
I could’ve managed us

We’re okay now
The storms have passed
But it hurts
Because I loved you
More than anything
So much-
I don’t even think I knew what it meant-
At least-
Until now
And yet
I didn’t know
You were there too

I read your old poems
The ones about me
Maybe sometimes for me
Even knowing I couldn’t read them

I wish I did
I wish I grabbed your hand at practice
Pulled you towards me
Gave in to temptation
At least if I had
You would’ve known sooner
We could’ve started sooner

Our love is here to last
But why-
Why did the universe choose us
Do we really deserve this
Does it matter
I want this
We’re taking it
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