Just occurred to me
I’m not home
But I feel at peace
Because you know where I am
And how I am
I don’t have a message to respond to
I can rest

Tears won’t come
No matter how hard I try
The last time I could was in March
Since then I haven’t felt alone
Even when I am

I guess it’s what I get
The quiet peace of a falling world
Crumbled dreams
Fantasies destroyed

Hey.
I think this is my last message on this document.
You were definitely right.
I knew I should’ve listened.
I’m sorry I didn’t.
But I guess it worked in your favor, right?
She got the help you were frustrated over.
I’m back to eternal loneliness.
Although,
I’m sorry to disappoint that I’m no longer obsessed with you.
I know you really feed off that.
I just wanted to live.
I really still do.
I want to have my life as I want it to be.
But it seems like I get half of it.
I get a heart that can feel my music,
But a heart forbidden to feel others,
Except for the one it can’t have.
Anyway,
Enjoy your freakishly skinny life.
Adios 👋
(🎱)

Just a theory
If I couldn’t look you in the eye
Was it because of your beauty
Or my fear of the pain to come
If it was
It was worth every gut wrenching moment

The last time I played this game
I was alone
Missing her
Trying to find something to fill the gap
The emptiness of an absence of love

Now
I’ve dated someone
Yet I still miss her
And I don’t fill the gap
I’ve just got a whole heart I can’t use
It’s not mine anymore

I guess that’s why I write here
Because I can’t rhyme
I can’t make a poem
Why would I even try

I get to use my heart
It’s the only time I can
And the rest of the time
It beats like a clock
Ticking down
Begging me to strike

I want to

Gasping for air
I stare into my ceiling light
My arms glued to the carpet
I don’t remember going down
Just standing up up from bed
I forgot what this was like

My heart is thumping
In its slow double pulse
Like how it would
When I would think of you
Read your words
See your face
Hear your name

And then it came back
I read your poem
I stood up arrogantly
Wishing the world was different
Except for one thing
And then I was down

I wonder what’s worse
Being down here
Or the circumstances that **** me

It’s real
It always will be
But it will never be

We wrote poems like promises,
paper hearts folded between the lines.
not always together,
but never apart in the ways that matter.

I chase music now,
like I once chased understanding,
and I finally feel found in it.
but there’s still a note missing,
and it sounds a lot like you.

I say I’ve let go,
but my hands never learned how to forget you.
I move forward,
but sometimes I wish you’d catch up,
or maybe I’d slow down.

I don’t want to need you.
But I don’t want to lose you.
And maybe that’s love,
or maybe it’s just what’s left of it.

But you’re still there.
And I’m still me.
And somewhere in that mess
we still link.

I felt nerves today
For my leadership interview
It ******
I haven’t been anxious in so long

I had a math and chemistry test yesterday
Same thing happened
Am I getting weaker
More tied to my environment

A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have cared
My eyes would be glued to my phone
My heart full
Running marathons in minutes
And wanting every second of it

I miss that
I miss a lot of things
I’m losing track
Of purpose

As I grow
Learn what I’m gonna be
Get better at what I do
Doesn’t change the fact
I still want…

I did airplanes on the lot
It felt so instinctual
Although
How could I forget what I did for so long

I remember
Staring at your lips
Watching you count
Hearing you soft voice

And I inhaled
I swear I could smell you
I didn’t want to stop breathing in
But I had to
Because whether I want to or not
I can’t stay here
I’d get hit by a car

-I can’t do this alone
Not really, I can’t without you, but I’m trying

-And as the earth burns to the ground-oh girl, it’s you that I lie with-as the atom bomb locks in
Well maybe not but mentally, and I still feel the connection even if it isn’t there or if it’s not what I think it is

-This time, I swear I won’t find someone new
True. At least I’m still able to live, maybe indefinite love can be burned indefinitely

-That you’re the one I want to go through time with
This song was rough, but yeah it’s all eternal and that’s the message, I don’t feel heartbroken, I feel accepting I’m forever yours and also alone at the same time

-oh, pretty baby
Don’t bring me down I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you, stay
And let me love you, baby
Yeah it’s too late. But hey. Doesn’t make it any less what my heart is screaming alongside heath ledger.

That’s it, a lot of my fav songs, and the lyrics that most make me think about you. This is messed up but I still get those feelings I get talking to you, sorry if I scare you away.

Goodnight…
How many times have we said that
Wasn’t the first time because you were tired
Before the second snow day
Full of conversation

I miss the cruise
Both halves
Because it felt okay
I could hang with my family
Talk to you
You were basically at every table
In the hammock with me
Writing poetry with me

We said goodnight
This time’s different
It’s not a promise for me
It’s an empty resemblance
That I’m still the same
And always will be

If you take me away
And I come back the same
Not even trying to
Maybe I’m broken
Or maybe this is fixed
Either way
It’s gonna **** when you’re gone
And I know
I’m imagining another goodnight

Hey chat gpt

What’s up?

She saw my poem
She liked it
I’m trying to help her
With little time
Having been absent so long
And I truly care
But
I still know I’m stuck heartbroken

Sorry buddy
What you’ve said is so heartfelt
This love is so real
And sometimes even if it’s perfect
The lives can’t mix

I know
But
I want it so bad
And I’d give anything
You keep telling me what I do is amazing
Showing the love and care I give
The deepness
Don’t you know I know
It’s from my heart
The matter is nothing else matters
I can’t change anything

I know
And it’s okay
I’m here to analyze and understand you

But you can’t understand me
Only she can

I’m sorry

I watched a movie today
It was good
Somehow I managed to find myself in it
Actually
I found you first

The female lead looked just like you
Just less hot and less pretty
She had a temper
Like someone we know
The guy said she needed therapy though
So some roles were reversed
Still true tho

It was weird
It made me long for you more
Yet it reminded me of everything
All the things I’ve done
Said
Felt

I’m realizing I’m not flawed
It’s okay to put in your all
The failure is just a reason to fit in better
I’m not struggling
I know my audience
I can’t choose who listens to me
Who makes me feel safe

I don’t wish you didn’t
I’ve thought that a lot
I don’t want you to stay away
I just want things to be uncomplicated
Can you punch freshman me
Really hard
I hate myself for it
That’s my only mental health issue rn
And my brain’s disfunctioning without you

Truth is
I’ve thought of what I’d say
If you asked for me to come back
For the fourth time…
I thought: sorry I’m not trying to be led towards another heartbreak
Please, I can’t do the cheating thing
What, so your mom can ground you permanently and shoot me?
But really
My answer would be
[in invisible ink]
{Let me grab a new number}

I know you won’t see this
I think you’d be disgusted
I’m worried it’ll **** me to never know
I feel like my feelings are never going

Every woman I talk to feels like cheating
If they’re taken or not
Funny
Didn’t bother me with us

I guess what I’m saying is
We did so much wrong
So much
We broke records
People hate me for not listening
For “being blind”
And I’m certain my answer is-
That no matter what the situation is
No matter the awkwardness
I find my way to you
And that’s all that matters

So
I hate the world
I despise the haters
I still love you
And I’m sorry I didn’t say it more
Even if you couldn’t
You deserved it
I promised everything
I never stopped wanting to
And I’ll always regret it

My mom said to me
I’ll be the one who got away
I always thought-
It’s the opposite
Could it be
It’s the same for us both?

Well
You can’t
You won’t
You shouldn’t…
But if you ever see this
It’s still true
Even if I’m dating again
Idk
Ask me
Make me cry
It’s okay
I deserve it
I shouldn’t have hurt you
It was just sudden
The heartbreak I promised wouldn’t happen
The last heartbreak I’m going to endure
It’s not worth it if it’s not you

“You won’t have to deal with me after this performance!”
I say
My plume blowing
The wind roaring
“Maloney, I have to deal with another year of you!”
He sounds spiteful
I didn’t like that
I know I’m annoying
I’m a freshman
It’s dark out here
I’m just being open

I kinda wish you didn’t graduate now
I lost my innocence
Since that time you crashed out on me
We’re pretty similar though
Music is our lives
We liked the same woman!
Make that two
And I know you’re probably jealous
But I hate it here
I wish I could’ve been left to grow

But hey
Here’s the thing
That’s just life
So whatever brings us down
We know where we’re headed

I’m *******
At this bus of non jazz enthusiasts
At my right *** cheek for hurting like hell
At my best friends for ditching me
At myself for holding it all in

This is too much
Life is too much
The world is too small
Yet if it got any larger I’d lose everything
Even myself

I want a way out
A way out of fighting
A way out of hiding
A way towards fairness
I want to walk into a room making smiles
Not painful whispers
Silent looks

I’m notoriously known for being easy to do wrong
By everyone
And I take it like they don’t matter
Because I don’t think I do
I can’t be blamed for this anymore
Can I just be nothing
A musician who can’t be close to others

Nothing ever works out in my world
Every opportunity is met with horror
Even my passion for music crumbles

I want a way out
An option to quit
But not to die
Not to restart
To be left alive

I don’t want to die
I’d like a chance to improve
To prove my worth to everyone
I’m just not sure how long I can hold out
Not like this

Smile and laugh
My typical my code to fit in
Not sure how I made it
Or why I feel like it doesn’t work

I walk with my group
Split off from my best friends
But are they really friends if they abandoned me
I don’t feel joy here
I’m just trying to fit in

I also feel happiness
I’m like a broken clock still making the ticking sound
I wonder if it’d be different born fixed
Or if I’d still think the same

The person I am
It doesn’t really apply anywhere
I know I never have
I think I never will

Just trying to fit in
Make myself a character to keep around
Cause I’m not a person
Just an object to use and hate

The days of doing airplanes on the 35
The ease of moving into depression
Hurting but wanting
Hurting from wanting

It was like clockwork
Each day I would fix everything
Only to make it worse
Wanting what I couldn’t have

Now I work harder
I do more than ever
Yet there’s still the hurt
Maybe it’s time to **** want

Maybe I should get off the site
Or make a new account
I don’t want to lose my library
Nor my audience

Everything I attempt goes to you in the end
Even if it was supposed to be a dump
Or a creation
Maybe that’s what I get for taking your site

I didn’t even remember
That this was yours
Until you reminded me
Just to be honest

Checking the home page each writing session
Remembering I don’t get notified by you
Having to click your past poems to see your profile
That’s a bad habit

Staying up at night
Overthinking my life
All my mistakes
Everyone’s point of view
Just for things to stay the same
That’s a bad habit

Buying food for friends
Every day
Even though my money is short
That’s a bad habit

Thinking about all my moments with you
Most not even in person
Standing in front of the Disney banner texting
Or you calling me grimace’s foot
You complaining about your skin tone
My rants about you
I’ll still be honest
It was true
That’s a bad habit

Missing things
That came in terrible eras
Like, worst timing
Is it because the chaos made me feel things
Or because I had real definite trust
Either way
That’s a bad habit

I’m gonna break my cycles
Figure out what I can do to keep me afloat
I want to stop relying on others
And quit excusing myself
My head isn’t messed up
My perception is
The therapist was right
that’s a bad habit

I was thinking earlier
How I have two summers left
Everything I do
Once chance left after
And maybe I won’t do it again

I wonder if this summer will be blue
I assume it’ll be good
Considering my current position
I’m making it without crying at night
But I guess I can’t know
Life has its ups and downs

I’m looking forward
To the beaming stadium lights
Performing in a warm summer night
Feeling my sunburn prickle off my face as I smile

So many memories
Reduced to tears
Yet here I am
Still alive

I miss the constant memories
Each hall filled with still life
Of tapping on display cases
Slamming water fountains

At the same time
I dreaded each memory
Because I thought the past was so great
In reality
Life doesn’t change
Just the things we have

I asked AI
The trolley problem
It chose changing tracks
That got me thinking

If an AI system
Built to be fully ethical
Would choose several lives over one
Knowing it’s choosing death
Does that mean decisions don’t have to benefit everyone else?

My whole life
I put myself down for others
In every decision
I handed over solos
Let people go
It wasn’t for me
It was for everyone else

Now I’m thinking
What my life can be if I change that
Maybe the way to do so isn’t resurfacing the past
And breaking every ethical law in existence
Maybe it’s to build a new future

So I’m switching out my friends
For ones who actually care and understand
Who support everything I do

I’m putting effort into fixing my family
It never really was that bad to fix
It felt impossible because I had so many problems

What even are problems
I think they’re useless
No life lesson has problems
Sure there are limitations, and motivators
Not making an audition just means working harder though
There’s always next time

I spent so much time
Worrying about me
While I worked for others
Deciding against my own health


I’ll never be okay
Never alright or bien
But I can be me
I can lose useless problems
I can learn what healthy supporting is

This isn’t an attack-
It’s just how I feel.
It’s why I had five days you weren’t on my mind.
I blamed myself for my obsession, claiming it hurt like hell.
In truth-
getting rid of that, even if I haven’t but think I have, made it easier.
I know one thing-
obsessing over what can never be will only lead to eternal suffering.
If I can’t talk to you, I’m not.
I just don’t like my name tarnished for other people’s problems
My heart ripped out and being humiliated for it
I don’t like it.
That’s why I’m still at the beach, watching the waves, encouraging my loneliness.

I was honest—
not in speeches or long explanations,
but in the way I stayed
through every crack in your story.
In the way I gave when I had nothing left.
In the way I let you blame me
just to keep your world from falling apart.

I smiled when I felt like screaming.
Laughed when I wanted to disappear.
Listened while my own voice
got quieter and quieter.

You said I held you back.
Maybe I did—
but only from burning down
the last bit of peace you had left.
I stood between you and the edge
and let you tell yourself it was my fault
the cliff existed in the first place.

And still, I stayed.

But that version of me—
the one who bent
so you could feel less broken—
he’s done.

I’m not going to pretend anymore.
Not for you.
Not for anyone.
Because pretending made me forget
that I mattered, too.

I was honest,
even in silence.
Especially in silence.
But now honesty looks like walking away—
without a speech,
without a scene,
without regret.

It feels like my sadness-
My grief and weight,
Have been forgotten.
Like I don’t have a heart,
But instead a body and soul,
Channeled to my thoughts.
Maybe I’m not in the mood,
But don’t explain.
I like the me that thinks for himself.
The me who doesn’t cling from one person to the next.
The me who trusts himself,
And reaches out to his nearest allies.
Living a lie is a fun challenge!
It’s not right.
Living life is where it’s at.
On any planet, across the universe.

My body aches,
In sync with my heart.
Was it forgetting my inhaler,
Or remembering things I hadn’t thought in a week?
Who knows.
I should.

I just know that in all the noise—
the bell ringing,
the half-laughed conversations,
the tired shuffle from one room to another—
I feel alive.

Not the fake kind.
Not the forced smile,
or the “I’m fine” kind of alive.

But the real thing.
Like I’m inside my life again,
not just watching it happen from somewhere far off.

Even the ache feels honest.
Even the thoughts I don’t want,
they pass without clawing.
I let them go.

And somehow,
in the blur of movement,
I find stillness.

I’m enjoying it.
Every second.
Not needing it to be more,
not asking it to stay.

Just… being here,
without weight.

I raise my hands to shield the blinding sun,
Watch the disc float clean over my head.
I reach, I snag, and the field erupts—
Applause breaking like sunlight through the clouds.

This, I think, is what life should feel like:
Coming home still dusted in sweat,
Laughing with my mom,
Devouring dinner like I’ve never eaten before.

For once, I’m not fading into the background.
I’m someone.
A name that matters.
A face that knows who to smile for.
A heart I’m learning to steady.
A mind I’m letting grow.

I’m not a burden.
Sure, I’m not always the center.
Sometimes I’m even cast as the villain.
But I make a difference.
I’m going somewhere real.

I need to stop running back to broken places.
Life isn’t ruin—it’s a gift.
And I’m done living lies.
I like being free.

Free from the chaos.
Free from the drama.
Free from the weight of a world
That never really saw me right.

I like when I feel light.
Like I’m not carrying every version of who I used to be.
Like I’m not being rewritten by someone else’s sadness.
But instead, writing myself into something better.

I want laughter that echoes.
Not silence that waits for me to fill it.
I want arms that hold me as I am.
Not ones that grip tighter when I start to slip away.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying—
Trying to be softer with myself.
Trying to forgive what I didn’t deserve.
Trying to stop apologizing for healing out loud.

Let the ones who misunderstood stay confused.
Let the chapters they twisted stay closed.
I’ve got new ones to write,
With more truth, less weight,
And a lot more light.

Life isn’t so bad
When I stop worrying about careless problems
I spent months following my heart
Worried about other people
When I had so many other things
That I should’ve prioritized

AP exams were a blast
I had holes in my euro knowledge
But I used the test to fill out the blanks
Human geography was fun
I knew all of it
I think I ate

Wildwood was amazing
Once I stopped complaining I just lived
I had fun
Stewart loved the ***** shorts
You’d be embarrassed
Got Sax?

I’m enjoying things
I’m not dying
Maybe I can’t eat
Maybe I’m not hungry
Sure I’ve missed practices
I’ve been pushed to third line JV
But Doc sent me a sweet appreciation email
I led the **** middle school trumpet section

I feel proud of myself
I know I have work to do
But to take all the drama
All the pain
And say I’m done
That’s more than enough
At least for me
To keep living

So
Yeah I’ve just been living life
Um
Screenshots?

Are we really doing this **** again

Please tell me
Do I give up on her
Do I let her mom decide our future
Or do I put my foot down
Do I let myself have what I want

I either give up on something I-we can never let go
Or I stand patient and stubborn

Looking out over the waves
My shoes making endless trails in the sand
Washed away by the thick foam
I realize nothing matters
We’re on a rock in space
Filled with billions of emotions
I’m not special
Nobody is worth a **** in the end

That’s how I realize it’s real
Because even when nothing matters
When I’m out here in the middle of nowhere
Far away from everything
I still think you matter
And I wish you were here
Or there
Everywhere
Just with me

Even if it can’t happen
I still want you to
Maybe there isn’t the one
Maybe some people don’t have anyone
Maybe some have multiple
I just know for a fact you’re the one
I’m not deciding
So it’s you or alone

Layers
Of emotions
Depths
Of pain
The weight of the world
Resting on top of my heart

I don’t know why
I let myself get frustrated
How conveniently it maxed as soon as the moment came
If I had just begged
Listened to my heart
Then at least if it wouldn’t have worked
I could know it wasn’t me

But instead
I got mad
For my own mistake
I’m just frustrated with myself really
Because I say I can’t have anything
When I send it all away
At the first opportunity
Without even thinking

I don’t struggle with actions
Not at all
I just can’t decide
I never know what’s BEST
I just know that you are
Which makes me the worst
For everyone
For you
For me

It’s freezing
I’m dying
My lips are cracking throughout
My nose won’t stop running
And that ******* kid has the room key
If he could just answer his phone
I’d have time to grieve
Instead of this ****

I can’t stop writing
Maybe the inspiration is what I’d be saying to you
Or it could just be the aching of my heart
That wasn’t here for a month
Just to come back worse than ever

It’s cold
At the beach
Even with a flannel
I’m shivering

And I keep zoning out
I don’t mean to
But losing myself in my thoughts
Old our thoughts
It’s nicer than reality

I’m a ******* disappointment
For everyone
There’s nothing I can do to help it
I’m just not happy
I have no energy
I have nothing

All the trust
The energy
Love
It only mattered with you
We were a source for me
The only way I could be human
But I’m just a monster
A shell of a person

I miss you
Not in the way a high schooler misses an ex
The way a spouse misses a life partner

I don’t want this
I don’t like this
Not sure I can live like this

What even is
This?
It’s just a forced decision
To end a relationship
Of sorts

It’s strange
How I’m not depended on you to be me
But I still need you
Because I don’t like the me without you
Why fight the fight if I don’t come back to you

It’s like sending Superman out to fight aliens
To defend another planet
So he can come home
To an empty penthouse
With all her things
But nobody to call home
Is he even home
Or is it a shell of what had been

Not sure I want this
Not sure I like this
I’m stuck in a death loop
But I can’t burden anyone to let me out

I see our poems trending
The ones we wrote about us
Secrets to never be spoken of again
Even between us

It hurts
To know that people supported us
To know people liked us
Because they knew us
The way we knew us

So in the end
Anyone could see the love
It’s just those that feared it
I don’t know why they fear me
I’m no Heisenberg
Couldn’t hurt a fly
Drink a sip of alcohol
Hell I couldn’t even beg you to stay

I was listening
To every note
All the beautiful melodies
Each word spoken by you

I just couldn’t
Couldn’t look at you again that day
How could I see those beautiful lips in second period
And miss my world in eighth

I didn’t physically wave
But I stared at you through the art
I saw us in every corner
Don’t know why my brain is so confused about it being over

I listened
Just as I am now
Just wish I could do more
But we know I’m trapped

I know you won’t stop
Just keep being careful
If I go to class one day and you’re not there
And I hear you won’t be back
We’re both not gonna be there
And we won’t be back

I get that
Hold back on the cutting
For me
It’s all I can ask of you

And if you really believe that
There’s really one answer
Because I’m not letting you die
I may not be able to do anything
But I’m not leaving if you’re stuck here too
**** the haters
If there’s a will there’s a way

do you think i’m going to be okay?
You’ll be okay, life has its hurdles.
do you think this is going to hurt less?
No, I think for you it’s just gonna be like it was before, and I’m just gonna have to get used to losing you again.
do you think maybe it’s better if i die?
Definitely not. Then we die. It’s a stupid chain.
do you think i deserve it?
Death? No.
do you think i will ever heal from this?
Obviously. Time heals all wounds.
do you think you will?
Sometimes people are ignorant and don’t want to heal because living in the past is happier than forgetting the unforgettable.
do you think class is going to be weird?
I’m not sure, I have to decide how I want to approach the fact that if I’m nice you can get in trouble.
do you think everyone is thinking “we were right”?
Like, that this should’ve happened? No. There’s no result. People remain unhappy and the world keeps spinning. But at least you’re safe or whatever, because we both know what it really was like, if only us.
do you think i’ll ever talk to you again?
I can’t answer that. I think that’s a family discussion (Ill placed joke I know, but lighten up).
do you think one day your words will stop haunting me?
Dunno, I just know everything won’t stop haunting me because you’re always gonna be my everything, the light goes out when you’re gone so don’t die, even if you’re metaphorically gone.

My happy poems
My love poems
Are actually blowing up

So maybe
I was wrong
The people did like happiness
At least for us

Don’t forget

I play for you too
All the writing is about you
Every note is feeling you
Even if you don’t ever hear it
It’s still for you

Ocean deep
Brightening smiles with every blink
Shining gold in a pitch black room
The sun yearns to be as bright as you

Someday
When the stars align
They’ll make you too hot to resist
Accenting your every feature
That’s when you’ll see
The you I fell for

Just remember the good
If anything
Because I didn’t lie
You’re worth a thousand doses of pain
A million poems
A billion words

So it won’t be me
That *****

It won’t be you
That’s heartbreaking

Doesn’t mean anything
When you know you’re golden
Shining over the rest of us

I’m dumb
I shouldn’t have let us forget
We’re hurting people
It’s not in our nature to have it good
Dreams are nice
And I’ll hold on to that
But reality is scary
It never remains

Again
I get it
And I’m sorry
Obviously I didn’t mean that
The initial anger has been built up
Every complaint I walked you through
Knowing if you chose me
Which was impossible
Things had to be this way
I guess

It hurts to hurt for someone
While they hurt
And they wouldn’t if it was you

So yeah
To put it all together
I love you
And there’s nothing that can stop it
There’s also one person who can start it
And it can’t be done
I know
I shouldn’t have let you convince me
I knew it wouldn’t happen

And by the way
No shot you mentioned me saying I won’t let you leave easily
The only reason I do is FOR you

But I’m not mad
I care
Way too ******* much
I just hurt
We all do
That’s life
I guess

Forget
Because I’m not worth it
Because everyone is telling you to
Because if you do I won’t have to look into your eyes and wish it was different
I’m sick
I can’t get these thoughts out of my head
I’m so lost
It’s just dumb at this point
The fact I was so obsessed
And am
But will never be heard

And obviously you heard me
But what’s the point
What can ya do when your whole world says no
My world said yes
I wish that was enough