But I still love you

I understand
It’s just killing me
I can’t be there
That’s all I want to be

Lizie
I am here
Just because we can’t be anything-
doesn’t take away me

Please
Please be careful
“Be safe”
I couldn’t live with myself if it gets worse

So wash, hide, wrap
Or even ask for help if you can’t anymore
It’s going to be okay

I’ll be a silent voice
Somebody you know is there-
Even just in poems

I need you-
I need you to take care of yourself
It will get better
It’s been three days

“Emotionless”
“Dead inside”
“Careless”

I grew up believing that’s who I was
I’m not a person
I live to fit in
I fit in to have a life

Today I felt different
I felt warmth
Talking to my grandmother
Playing a sax piano duet with my other grandmother

I didn’t feel alone
But I always feel alone
My depression silenced
I became an anxious boy with a heart

I realize now
I wasn’t broken
My heart was waiting
Till it could beat purple

My stomach is turning inside out
I can taste the morning sickness
I couldn’t tell you why this happens
Just what managed to make it unnoticed

I cried
Hard
Sure it happens every night
I didn’t expect the school parking lot
Certainly not my own car

He said-
We’re expecting-
A three letter appearance
And I knew-
It was to throw **** in our faces

So I left
I sobbed in my car
Feeling helpless-
Being alone

And I yelled-cried the whole way home
Four minutes
But four minutes of honesty

Then I let myself rot
I felt like ****
I’m not sore though
I wish my body took a bit longer to adapt

And I read a poem
A nice poem
A relatable poem
A poem that made me cry-
But in a sympathetic way

Because even now
In two worlds destined to be apart
We’re still as close as ever
Still feeling the same pain

Maybe it won’t be us
But you’ll always be my Laura
Just remember when I don’t cuss
That started with you, Eliza

Thank you for being here
Thank you for staying all this time
Thank you for doing your best
Thank you for saying goodbye

Thank you for holding onto me
Even when my grandmother died
Thank you for the feeling of being seen
Even when I internally cried

Thank you for making it quick
Thank you for being clear
Thank you for the happiness and memories
Thank you for everything

Last night
I didn’t send a lovey goodnight
This morning
I didn’t say goodmorning Lizie

When will I wake up

600 I love yous
600 different meanings
600 of the same intent

Where did that go
I don’t know
I just miss the afterglow

Is this real?
Yesterday life was life
I could feel happiness
Now I’m numb
I still feel pain
It won’t go
I still feel sick
It won’t ever go
And after all of this
I’m still hopeful
Who made me like this
I’m not good at heartbreak
Even after a fourth time

I have no one
Nobody to tell me it’ll be okay
Nobody to support me
Nobody to hold me

I’m alone
Left in my puddle of sorrow
This is me
This is Sean

He’s not evil
He’s not some stupid boy
He doesn’t intentionally hurt people
He just gets damaged

I’m so broken
I’m not even broken
I’m so lost
That, I am

I don’t know how to act
If I live my life
If I drop it all
I can’t even think of any future

One night
Took it all away
And nobody to blame
I don’t know what schemes went on

I’m just left here
Completely alone
No friends, no support, no nothing
Empty

I thought I couldn’t cry
I didn’t know why
Now I know
You kept me whole

I miss you
I’m trying to be strong
But it’s really hard
Not to worry you or anything

I don’t want to be here
Or anywhere
Unless I’m talking to you
I miss you

I know I wasn’t here
I’m trying to be
I just don’t want to mess up
I don’t want us to run into problems

I’m scared
I have one vulnerable point in my life
And that’s being stressed
It makes me feel sick

But it’s okay
I still love you
And I miss you baby
I hope you’re getting better

Keys
MY keys
For MY car
My brother in the passenger seat
Of MY car
My mom in the back seat
Still my car!

I pray first gear will be smooth
Somehow everyone’s head stayed still
I shift to second
Can’t win all your battles…
But I’m smiling
Not because I know where I’m going
I know who I’m going to

We pull in to the Wa
I’m not sure if I locked my car
My mind is racing
I feel nervous-
But in a lovey dovey feel

I lay my eyes on her
She smiles
I smile back
Not on purpose-
I felt like it-
Similar to a dog wagging its tail

We order our food
I walk to the drinks
There she is
The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen
My favorite girl-
My baby

Somehow I manage to stumble on a hi
Who does that?
I wait to make a stupid quip
Since when am I careful on my quips??
I can’t stop looking into her gorgeous eyes
Why can’t I stop feeling in love???

Soon I watch her walk back
I can’t help but eye her down
Not that she isn’t anything I haven’t seen
She’s not something ever worth drifting from-
Even with just my eyes

And in that moment
I feel safe
My public anxiety fails to hold me down
My world is right here
I’m sticking by it
Even as I stall the car at the stop sign…

When will I not **** up
Why can’t I do it now

Such a simple phrase
A phrase I’ve heard said so many times
I never understood it mattered
I never understood until I knew you

You make my heart flutter with every breath
Each glance makes my chest warm and fuzzy
And I love how you do that
You’re like a magical lover

We say I love you
And I mean I’m just so **** in love with you
I’m in love with the fact you’re with me
I’m in love with the thought of you feeling the same

Sure we miss one another
But I love that too
Every second you’re gone-you’re still here
Like you said- we’re a forever thing

I can’t stop saying I love you
But it isn’t a plea
I say it because I love that it’s true
I say it because I know you love me

I trace your name across the night sky,
but the stars already know your name.
There’s no way to know for certain which direction you are,
so I spend enough time staring at each angle,
hoping we lock eyes for a second.

Sure I couldn’t tell you how much I miss you,
but I definitely couldn’t describe just how much I love you.
My morning rays of sunshine,
my reliable best friend,
my most comforting night pillow.

I used to think your name like a plea,
Now I come running into your warm embrace.
For my one and only,
my sweet baby,
I love you,
forever and always.

I don’t crash on you because you cause it
I crash on you because you’re the only person I can trust with me

My ill timed crashes aren’t because of you
They’re delayed because you stop me

I go to sleep feeling loved
That’s what you have to blame yourself for

I don’t blame you for being real with me
I accept, understand, embrace all of you

The world-
Cruel,
Unjust,
Dark

Us-
Bright,
Passionate,
Hopeful

I don’t care what it thinks
What it tries to do to stop us
We’re working against the world
And still,
you’re the only thing that makes sense

I’ve been as honest as I can be.
I haven’t lied,
I haven’t not tried,
I haven’t even cried.
So why does it feel like you’re reaching too far inside.

How I feel,
Is for my heart,
Also known as me and her,
And considered none of your business.
Also, you haven’t asked about that.
I’m not sure I could tell you,
Not because I’m afraid of any consequence,
But because I made a promise,
And I intend to keep it.

You don’t know.
Not me,
Not this,
Not that,
Not anything.

You should leave now.
Before my problems make you sick too.

I can’t be there today
I understand
I’m still here anyway
Ready at a moments notice to offer a hand

You wonder why I’m here
But doesn’t it make sense?
I wonder why you’re here
Yet we know the answers

I’m sorry I can’t write more
But you don’t want to hear that
You want to hear anything I’ve said before
Don’t worry-I’m still intact

Burning
Dreadful
Sickening
Fearful

My anxiety slowly eats at me
It consumes my stomach first
Then it reaches for my mind
Before it attacks my heart

That’s when she steps in
My princess
My baby
My…savior?

Yes we heard it right
My dearly beloved
Whom I’ve sworn to never hurt
Has saved me from my sea of emotions

That pains turns to a void
The nausea slowly fading
And my fear-
Becomes barrels of love

I’m not sure why I am how I am
I just know she loves me for all of me
I’m not sure why she hates parts of her
I love her the same way

She’s tall
She’s fearless
She’s strong
She’s mine

And when I’m in desperate need
When I need a hero
I don’t even have to call
She comes flying

There’s this curve in your smile
that feels like sunrise-
not the blinding kind,
but the kind that just… shows up.
Slowly,
softly,
and all of a sudden I realize
I’m not cold anymore.

Your laugh-
it’s the kind of sound
that makes the world forget
it ever tried to break me.
It floats through the air
like it knows
it’s the best thing it’s ever carried.

And then there’s me.
Just orbiting you.
Nervous.
Tripping over my words,
saying too much or not enough
but feeling more alive than I’ve ever been.
You make now feel like the only thing that matters.

Because every time I look in your eyes,
it’s not just you I see.
I see home.
I see late nights and quiet mornings
I haven’t even lived yet.
I see a truth I didn’t know I needed
until the moment you looked back.

You’re always here.
Even when you’re not.
Even in the silence.
You’re still the one thing
that doesn’t shift.
And for the first time,
time doesn’t feel like it’s running out.
It feels like it’s with me.
Because you are.

When I say I love you,
I don’t mean I just love you,
Your beauty,
Your talent,
Your dedication

I mean I love the way you accept me,
Even when nobody else can

I love whatever feeling you’re having,
Because I have the chance to know it

I love the way you tell a story,
It feels like I knew all of it from the start

I love the way you look at me,
Telling me our love will always last

I love the way you let me support you,
Even when it’s too hard to speak on

I love the way you love me,
You make every moment a gift to always remember

When I say I love you,
I mean I love all of you,
Every moment-every laugh-every cry,
I love every second you choose me,
I love being your first,
I love you Lizie

You may be sorry, but I’ll never accept it.
You may be tired, but I don’t want you spending your remaining energy feeling bad for me.
I’m always yours, and that means that I’m always here.
It’s not a problem for me to be your everything, I’m just returning the favor.
Don’t let your heart bleed for me, let it rest with me.

There once was a girl,
A very special girl
I thought she was everything,
And at the same time,
Too perfect
I couldn’t see myself with her
She was taller,
She was stunning,
She made people smile and laugh,
She left good impressions
She was out of my league

But soon I learned,
There’s no such thing as incompatible,
Not for us
She let me in,
Making me filled with nerves,
Even sending me to the hospital for anxiety!
But still,
Every moment felt like a dream,
My depression sank until it left my soul,
And all I felt was her presence,
Slowly growing an unwavering love

But,
Me being the idiot I am,
I let her go
I thought she deserved better,
And she’d like being with someone,
Not waiting with someone
Until hours turned to days,
Days turned to weeks,
Weeks into months,
And all I did was miss her
I just wanted her back
And when I locked eyes with her,
When I felt her presence next to me in the sun,
I could feel it in the air,
In the sun reflecting off her beautiful skin,
We weren’t meant to end here

And so I gave her my all,
Loving her deeper through everything,
Until the day she asked me,
“Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened, had we stayed together”
I knew
I couldn’t mess this up again
I loved her harder than ever
And she did too
Every goodnight like a promise,
Each Goodmorning a sign of trust and care

Now
My dream girl,
Who really couldn’t exist
My baby I couldn’t have,
Because she’s all I need
All I want,
All I can think of desiring
Is mine
She lets me know it,
And I’m sharing this,
Just to let her know,
I love her too

I’m self centered for ignoring your feelings
I’m selfish for only seeing my pain
I’m self deprecating for believing the worst
I’m stupid for not telling you how I felt

I thought you were happy
I felt like I was some unwanted safe space
I believed everything real you preferred
I ignored everything you had told me

And you said it again
Yet I took the wrong intent
Now I feel dumb and sorry
I made it harder for you to break the silence

I’m reworking my thoughts
I’m reorganizing my feelings
I hope you can forgive me
I won’t make that mistake again

Three Dr Peppers down
Yet not even close to a fraction of a Celsius
Three Dr Peppers down
But they only stir up dark thoughts of us

Therapy
What a deep word
To some it’s a joke
For people like me-it’s everything

Therapy is the pain at every fall
The dread until I climb
The hope that I’ll get up again
The drive to keep my head up

But last time I went I had friends,
I had things to do,
I had hope
Not sure where they all went

I’ll give it a go
New therapist, same boring me
Same depressed me
Same empty me
(Same broken me)

I’ll give life-
One last run
(Maybe the final run)

Seconds pass like hours
Yet my heart beats quick-
To the thought of your voice
Soft and electric-making silence tick

My heart threw a tantrum
Wailing through anxiety for days
Until it got tired
Until it missed the love

I used to long for the warmth
Now it seems I can’t escape from it
And it’s not that I want to
It wasn’t used to switching back for a moment

But I think it’s cooled down
I’ll manage the rest on my own
It’s my turn to deal with pain
Simple as that

******* in knots
Spewing nausea in an endless stream
Keeping my head in the dark
That’s my stomach for you

I can’t stand tennis without keeling over
Couldn’t finish half a meal
My mom thinks I need a job
What would I know, I’m in the dark

Maybe I should try therapy- again
Let someone tell me my life as it is
Then at least I won’t be alone 23.8 hours a day
I think that’d be nice

I miss having people to cope with
Now it’s just one or the other- or none
Everyone is growing distant-
Like my ex best friends

But how would I know
I’m in the dark
Waiting for something to shine down-
To take me out of the dark

Nobody could get me
How it’s worth it to plant my feet
But really I just follow my heart
It’s a very clear path

The voices are everywhere
Yet only audible to me
It’s like the world just stopped spinning
Leaving me slowly drifting off the ground

Nobody to talk to
Nothing to open up about
No private notes to share
Just waiting for days to pass by

I wonder what I live for
And I think I know the answer
But does it matter
She’s not here for 120 hours

Murderer
Murderer
Murderer
A word I can’t get out of my head
A murderer is moving back into my house

Could he just disappear again
Jail, apartment, the street
I really don’t have a preference
Just find a place for the lunatic

Obviously I don’t sympathize
But I used to have his anger
It took me years to contain mine
Yet he feels good even yelling at his kids

We didn’t have the same experience
He lost his mother
A person he lived with for two extra years
Someone he could never support-
Not with money nor words
I lost a grandmother I couldn’t seem to stop caring about
Not in the five years she came to live with us
Yet she hated me
A grandchild who did nothing but care
I wanted to know her and learn her stories
But she pushed me aside like I was too much
Well
I’m depressed, close to failing grades
I have one dream and I don’t know where it ends
Am I bad enough for you now?

I’m just
I’m going to try to sleep
If I’m up all night so be it
This hurts

Hey
Where’d you go
I know where I went
Crazy

A concept I never thought real,
One I believed I’d never know,
Something I longed to have.

And now that I do,
I’m learning everyday,
What makes it true.

The ever longing feeling when we’re apart,
The butterflies I get being next to you,
How everything fades out when I see you,
That sensation when our eyes lock.

True love isn’t lust,
It isn’t being crazy obsessed,
It isn’t even caring too much.

True love is choosing a person,
Even when you think you shouldn’t,
And returning to it,
No matter what stands in the way.

I live a life with true love each day,
Thinking about them more than I do myself,
But most importantly,
Standing ready to return at a moment’s notice.

There’s a lot of space between us
Even so
I wished you’d hear the engine spattering
My foot lifting off the clutch slightly too quick

There’s a lot of space between us
Yet you’re still on my mind
Good, bad, longing thoughts-
I can’t seem to shake off

There’s a lot of space between us
But you’re still filling my heart
Making the world bright and purple
Lifting me up inside

That space between us
It echoes in my soul
Pounding through my chest
Trembling across my fingers

The space between us
Isn’t a lovely thing
But somehow-
It’s still pure

I’ll only stop thinking of you once I wake,
If instead
You’re in my arms as morning breaks-
Not in my head.

You called me hot
Attracting all the butterflies
Who knew being so vulnerable
Could feel so right

She gets me completely,
where other people don’t,
where I thought people never could
She sees my energy and matches or raises it,
she’s here for me forever,
she doesn’t fail to help when I need it-
even without asking
And she tries her **** best to be “good enough”
as if she isn’t already so perfect-
So perfect that I don’t think I deserve her.

You called my eyes gold
When I stepped out of the car to buy clothes
But I told you they were just hazel
Yet you insisted I was gold

Today was typical
I got the sax out
Pressed play
Started learning my solos

But the music, my air, it came over me
I closed my eyes for a second, and in the next moment I was standing up by the window, a beam of sunlight blinding me
So I closed my eyes again
I wanted to see as I felt in the moment

This time I imagined an audience
For some reason though, I couldn’t care less about them
My parents, or siblings, or even the director
I just wanted you to hear it
To see golden boy with his golden sax

And when I opened my eyes
I saw myself in the tv reflection
Not the stupid insecure boy
But the golden boy you love

It’s funny
I used to be so insecure
And when I met you
I was convinced I didn’t have a chance
Yet somehow
You convinced me to find good in myself-
To be confident of it

You made me a better person
Just by detailing the real me
Changing me completely-
Yet staying the exact same

Sunlight changes people
Some get burnt all over
Others tan until they look like another person
But I think she’s got it best
Every detail I love about her-
It shines

Her blue eyes reflect the world in front of her
Her skin appears closer, and smooth
Her hair becomes golden like sunlight
And her words travel across the heat
Making every muscle in my body quiver

I might have golden hair and eyes
But you’re the true gold, girl
I don’t think I’d be gold at all-
Not without my lovely ray of sunshine

I don’t believe time
How was it over a year ago
When our hearts first came together

I could’ve sworn we were not a thing-
Which as itself was a thing-
Less than six months ago

I love looking at our saved snaps
But it hurts
All those memories fading

Our love isn’t the same
It’s mature, settled, teenage-bonded
Spontaneous if you will

I don’t miss those days
I love us now
I just forget what it was like to love you then

I know how life works
My luck hasn’t failed to disappoint me yet
But I’ve got to say
I feel happy with you
I’m happy with you