But I still love you

I understand
It’s just killing me
I can’t be there
That’s all I want to be

Lizie
I am here
Just because we can’t be anything-
doesn’t take away me

Please
Please be careful
“Be safe”
I couldn’t live with myself if it gets worse

So wash, hide, wrap
Or even ask for help if you can’t anymore
It’s going to be okay

I’ll be a silent voice
Somebody you know is there-
Even just in poems

I need you-
I need you to take care of yourself
It will get better
It’s been three days

“Emotionless”
“Dead inside”
“Careless”

I grew up believing that’s who I was
I’m not a person
I live to fit in
I fit in to have a life

Today I felt different
I felt warmth
Talking to my grandmother
Playing a sax piano duet with my other grandmother

I didn’t feel alone
But I always feel alone
My depression silenced
I became an anxious boy with a heart

I realize now
I wasn’t broken
My heart was waiting
Till it could beat purple

My stomach is turning inside out
I can taste the morning sickness
I couldn’t tell you why this happens
Just what managed to make it unnoticed

I cried
Hard
Sure it happens every night
I didn’t expect the school parking lot
Certainly not my own car

He said-
We’re expecting-
A three letter appearance
And I knew-
It was to throw **** in our faces

So I left
I sobbed in my car
Feeling helpless-
Being alone

And I yelled-cried the whole way home
Four minutes
But four minutes of honesty

Then I let myself rot
I felt like ****
I’m not sore though
I wish my body took a bit longer to adapt

And I read a poem
A nice poem
A relatable poem
A poem that made me cry-
But in a sympathetic way

Because even now
In two worlds destined to be apart
We’re still as close as ever
Still feeling the same pain

Maybe it won’t be us
But you’ll always be my Laura
Just remember when I don’t cuss
That started with you, Eliza