I’m *******
At this bus of non jazz enthusiasts
At my right *** cheek for hurting like hell
At my best friends for ditching me
At myself for holding it all in

This is too much
Life is too much
The world is too small
Yet if it got any larger I’d lose everything
Even myself

I want a way out
A way out of fighting
A way out of hiding
A way towards fairness
I want to walk into a room making smiles
Not painful whispers
Silent looks

I’m notoriously known for being easy to do wrong
By everyone
And I take it like they don’t matter
Because I don’t think I do
I can’t be blamed for this anymore
Can I just be nothing
A musician who can’t be close to others

Nothing ever works out in my world
Every opportunity is met with horror
Even my passion for music crumbles

I want a way out
An option to quit
But not to die
Not to restart
To be left alive

I don’t want to die
I’d like a chance to improve
To prove my worth to everyone
I’m just not sure how long I can hold out
Not like this

Smile and laugh
My typical my code to fit in
Not sure how I made it
Or why I feel like it doesn’t work

I walk with my group
Split off from my best friends
But are they really friends if they abandoned me
I don’t feel joy here
I’m just trying to fit in

I also feel happiness
I’m like a broken clock still making the ticking sound
I wonder if it’d be different born fixed
Or if I’d still think the same

The person I am
It doesn’t really apply anywhere
I know I never have
I think I never will

Just trying to fit in
Make myself a character to keep around
Cause I’m not a person
Just an object to use and hate

The days of doing airplanes on the 35
The ease of moving into depression
Hurting but wanting
Hurting from wanting

It was like clockwork
Each day I would fix everything
Only to make it worse
Wanting what I couldn’t have

Now I work harder
I do more than ever
Yet there’s still the hurt
Maybe it’s time to **** want

Maybe I should get off the site
Or make a new account
I don’t want to lose my library
Nor my audience

Everything I attempt goes to you in the end
Even if it was supposed to be a dump
Or a creation
Maybe that’s what I get for taking your site

I didn’t even remember
That this was yours
Until you reminded me
Just to be honest

Checking the home page each writing session
Remembering I don’t get notified by you
Having to click your past poems to see your profile
That’s a bad habit

Staying up at night
Overthinking my life
All my mistakes
Everyone’s point of view
Just for things to stay the same
That’s a bad habit

Buying food for friends
Every day
Even though my money is short
That’s a bad habit

Thinking about all my moments with you
Most not even in person
Standing in front of the Disney banner texting
Or you calling me grimace’s foot
You complaining about your skin tone
My rants about you
I’ll still be honest
It was true
That’s a bad habit

Missing things
That came in terrible eras
Like, worst timing
Is it because the chaos made me feel things
Or because I had real definite trust
Either way
That’s a bad habit

I’m gonna break my cycles
Figure out what I can do to keep me afloat
I want to stop relying on others
And quit excusing myself
My head isn’t messed up
My perception is
The therapist was right
that’s a bad habit

I was thinking earlier
How I have two summers left
Everything I do
Once chance left after
And maybe I won’t do it again

I wonder if this summer will be blue
I assume it’ll be good
Considering my current position
I’m making it without crying at night
But I guess I can’t know
Life has its ups and downs