You know what's weird about having suicidal thoughts as a kid, is that I don't really remember a "before". Since I was eight I've thought I was a waste of space and everyone's life would be better  without me in it.

That's ten years and I can't think how life would be if I actually enjoyed being here. If the slightest stress or inconvenience didn't get me thinking of different ways to off myself.

Sometimes I think i won't feel this way if I could just get out of this house this state maybe if I left this all my suicidal thoughts would stay behind. And that's when I begin to feel trapped. In this room, in this house and I need air.

The walls are surrounding me, closing in and I need to escape. So I escape into music and self medication, but eventually the ***** and **** wears off and the music dies down and I am back between these four walls gasping for air.

Struggling to take a breath I reach out my hand hoping for someone to be there to grab my hand and pull me back from the brink but all I feel is empty space I need no reminders that I am alone.

On the edge I stand between the end and tomorrow occasionally a gust of wind comes causing my to teeter closer to the end, but sometimes I find a string unintentionally left behind that I use to pull myself up but always in-between.

I am never here nor there nor this nor that. But forever in-between

Shh, did you hear that?
That taunting voice,
it plagues me constantly
singing its cruel song.
Shh, listen I can hear it now....

Second place,
Runner up,
you'll never be good enough.
<stop>
Loser,
Whatever,
Just disappear forever.
<no>
You aren't liked,
You aren't loved,
Why don't you. Just. Give. Up.
<shut up>
You're nothing,
a no one,
and you're never going to be one
<leave me alone>
Poor little baby,
are you going to cry?
Why don't you go and die
<please just go>
Aww poor little baby
can you not take it anymore?
Ugh, that's why being with you is such a chore.
<please >
They don't really like you
can't you see?
They're all going to leave you eventually
<no you're wrong>
They're only being nice
that's what it is,
and you know soon it will end.
<just shut up>
You will never be first,
or second or third,
because you are a waste of space that calls itself a person.
<...>
A waste of space
no one can truly stand,
just an unwanted backup plan.
Unwanted, unloved
stupid waste of space.
It would be better for everyone if you disappeared without a trace.
<...>
You know it as well as I,
it would be better for everyone if you'd just die.
<no, no, no. shut up. shut UP. SHUT UP.>
<why do you torture me every night and every day?
why won't you leave me alone, no matter what i say?
i wish you'd leave me alone and let me be.
for all i wish for is to be free,
from you and your taunting,
you're torturing me.
all I want is for you to leave.>
I can't leave, and that is the truth,
because who I am is, well, I'm you.

You walk by
I wave hi
you blink and turn
and I'm left burned.

It's been a few weeks
yet we still do not speak
please don't keep me alone
you make me feel so cold.

She is soft to the touch,
skin smooth as silk.
She glides with grace
and beauty like a goddess.
Gifted to this world,
made by Aphrodite,
she is elegant.
Like Venus, she is beyond the reach of mortals,
a star illuminating
a darkened sky.
She is everything,
she owns the world.
She is the envy of Helen,
she is perfection.

Your smile made me forget myself.
took me away from reality,
to faraway lands
and beautiful places.
You gave me a new home,
in your arms;
I could have stayed there forever,
hold you tight and never let go.
And get lost
in your eyes
I could see the stars;
Surrounded by endless beauty—
infinite possibilities.
I drown in
Your voice
silences the outside world,
when you talk about the future
I begin to believe in Forever.
But everything ends sometime
once reality sets back in
the dreams begin to end
and we finally wake up
and fall apart,
until we break
and drift away.
Until we are alone,
just trying to forget.

Who are you?
Wayward lamb. Light seeker. Lost child.
Who are you?
Pain bearer. Guilt ridden. Heavy hearted.
Who are you?
Infinite labryninth. Enlonged paths. Endless journey.
Who are you?
Mysterious garden. Uncharted land. Hidden treasure.
Who are you?
Do you ask yourself this question often?
Who are you?
Do you need to?
Soul saviour. Heart protector. Mind easer.
Who are you?
Masked face. Familiar stranger. Mirror image.
Who are you?
Do you really know it yourself?
Who are you?
Who's behind the masks?
Locked chest. Closed doors. Sealed enteries.
Denied passage. Denied acceptance.
Cut off--Alone.
Who are you?

Can’t you see your beauty?
That shines inside and out?
Why do you stay blind?
Why don’t you open your eyes?

Loved by everyone,
yet you cannot love yourself.
                            Why?
You're wonderful the way you are.
A masterpiece created with the finest paints.
Your skin is the perfect canvas.

Adorned with beauty,
yet you insist on marring it.
You paint it with pain and desperation,
angry slashes fill the canvas stained rain.
You say, “It’s been a bad year.”
your eyes on the floor.
Don’t be ashamed, you're not alone anymore.

I used to paint to, I've been there before.
I would paint onto my canvas
anger and despair
with a paint soaked brush—dripping red.
My heart begins to tear,
to think you’ve landed in the same darkness,
where the light is difficult to see.
Oblivious to those who love you—you are blind.
Unaware of those who say they love you—you are deaf.

Relinquish your brush,
and let yourself heal.
Open your eyes and see the light in front of you—extending its hand.
I will help you walk this road,
paving the way with dreams of brighter days.
Traveling to the land of hope and dreams,
the land of safety and acceptance,
the land where you can be free of your demons.

Everything will heal someday,
the marks you made will continue to fade
—until they are but silhouettes on a blank canvas.
Your heart will heal,
until the day you no longer paint with the colors of pain and sadness,
but with shades of hope and joy.
When you finally see that you are not alone.
When you hear the cries of those who wept for you.
When you feel the sorrow of those who prayed for you.
When know the truth of those who said they loved you.
I walked by your side,
guided you when you could no longer see,
and listened to you when you screamed and cried as you fought your inner demons.
But now you must listen to me, my friend.
There will be better days,
hold your head up high and smile.
The best has yet to come.

Imagine if a child is ignored every time fae speaks and is never allowed to finish a thought.
When fae shows faers true self to the world and then is told that fae is wrong.
When nothing fae says-when fae is finally allowed to speak-seems to be right do you really think fae will be inclined to speak?

When that child is taken from the only home fae knew and is brought to a new family-only to find this "mother" doesn't truly love them.
When fae finds out that living there brings this "mother" money.
When fae is taken from that home and placed in a new, when knowing that faers mom doesn't know how to take care of faer and daddy is gone, knowing fae is there as a last resort....knowing that her presence in this house is a burden on this new family.
Believing fae is unwanted and unloved, do you really think this child really knows how to express faers emotions?
Would you be surprised if fae closed faeself off, lost all desires, refused to let faeself appear needy or moody so that no one would think faer a burden?
Scared of being hurt, terrified of being abandoned. So all fae does is smile-even if inside faer's dying.

Now imagine if this child only ever saw faer parents fight-only ever heard them screaming...never truly saw love in any of faers homes. Do you think fae will really know love?
If fae only saw problems solved by violence then saw this violence hurt people.
When fae had no real teacher, with no one to guide her-learning only from disjointed experiences.
Imagine the world moves so fast around faer and fae can't change a thing, things passing by before the child has a chance to understand-leaving the child bumbling through life.
Just trying to get by.
Now this child, shaped by faer environment, not knowing anything else, is suddenly asked to change.
Fae is trying to change because faer nature tells faer fae must change to keep the Asker close, but it isn't that easy.

When old habits die hard and the child is pulled between two entities, arms sore and emotionally tired.
When the child has yet to catch up to faer peers and still has a lot of learning to do.
Hoping that the Asker will understand that fae has yet to find faer path.

When the child is still wandering, unchanging, pathless and the Asker is impatient, waiting, pushing.

The Asker never understood and couldn't wait for the child to find faer path.

When the child never changed and couldn't provide answers for the Asker.

The Asker asked one more question and decided to ask no more.

The child watched as the Asker walked away.

The asker and the child were both hurt, each their own pain. What hurt the Asker was that they believed the child didn't try.
Imagine the pain that plagued the child
                                                           ­         the Askers last words.    
The  Asker wanted to cure the child's habits like they were a disease or fix faer like fae was broken. Now the asker is gone-bringing us back to the beginning.

The child is left alone again confirming faer own fears.
That in the end, they will all leave-all but faer thoughts.
Now the child has yet to find a place to call home, someone to go to for comfort.
Can you entirely blame faer for how fae turned out?
Are you surprised that this child has become like this considering faer upbringing?

If this child smiles to get you to stay,
will you believe fae is truly happy,
or will you know that faer heart is breaking 
and fae feels like faers dying?

Would you realize
                               that behind faer smile,
                                                          ­           fae is really
                                                                ­                         crying?

Don't tell me it's just a phase,
don't even try.
Why should I even think to believe you,
when you always lie?

I love who I love,
why is it so hard for you to understand?
I don't know how much of your taunting,
I can withstand.

Why should it matter,
if I love a male or female?
Your opinions are suffocating,
and I'm just waiting to inhale.

I just need to breathe,
get away and be free.
I wish you would just let me go,
I wish you would let me be me.

I wish you would understand,
I just wish you could see.
That who I am now,
is who I want to be.

I am the girl that you never see
I am the girl that will never be
Remembered, but forgotten
Put in that dark hole
That forgotten memories go in.

Outside I’m plain like any other being
But inside you would not believe what you’re seeing
Something to remember and never forget
Something that will forever set
In your mind’s eye
A personality that would make you die.

If the inside were the outside then you would know
All the wonderful things that I could show.
Being a shadow will be a title I forever own,
If I never am seen but in the dark
Were I forever will be Unknown.