I imagine that if I could fall in love,
it would be with a woman that...

That if I could tell her all the thoughts I think,
I'd never be allowed to take another breath;
That if I could gaze into her eyes,
I'd never need to blink again;
That if I could find my way,
it would be into her open arms;
That if I could change anything in the world
it would be so that everyone can find their soulmate;
That if I could spend the rest of my life with her,
I'd die smiling alongside the true definition of happiness;
That if I could turn back time,
I'd set us on a collision course
with no peripheral vision;
That if I could tell her how I felt
I would tell her, "I love you"

The thought that I would be good at something
The thought that I would be able to do something right
The thought that I could have friends
The thought that I can talk to people and they listen
The thought that I would be loved by someone
The thought that I would fall in love
The thought that I would be able to survive
The thought that I could make it to tomorrow
The thought that I would have something to live for
The thought that I would be able to feel happy
The thought of being happy
It never occurred to me

Someday I found myself
with a flood of emotion
I found myself thinking I'm not enough,
I found myself thinking I can't do anything right
I found my head pounding, not a headache
I found my head with a train horn going off inside
I found myself with the feeling of the sound pulsating in my skull, resonating with bone

I found myself in a isolated room
I  found myself in a secluded corner
I found my knees to my chest on the floor
I found my face tear streaked
I found my body to seized up to wipe them away
I found myself too tired to sob

I found myself sitting
I found myself thinking
Thinking of writing the note
The single note that always I found myself too afraid to write
I found myself thinking of a quicker way
I found myself thinking of the shortcut

I found myself crying until my body gave up
I found my body stopping itself
I found my head resting against the wall
I found myself looking at the ceiling
I found myself thinking at a million miles an hour
I found my thoughts of why

I found my thoughts of why,
in all the universe, all that is or may be holy or divine, why?
Why I was put on this earth?
Why I was here?
I found myself with my thoughts
I found myself breaking down
Breaking down, into a pile of uselessness
Breaking down, into a pile of helplessness

I found myself disappearing
I found myself falling
I found myself fall, heavily, to sleep, empty