I loved playing with dresses
wearing heels
and maybe that was the last time
that i felt that i could do so
that I could wear what I want and feel free
in that moment
because after that all I remember
is wanting to be everything  but myself
because nothing ever felt safe
to always be met with laughter and torture
whenever I would be my lovely feminine self
so I carried the wound of what some would say is gender dysphoria
but also just wanting to be anything that wasn't me
pertending I was my friend inside  ,  or an animal or a chair
just so I couldn't feel
the depth of painful rejection,
just so I could be free
now lately these feelings are here,
because I haven't felt safe
instead of pushing the feelings away
and listening to everyone else
I Am starting to listen
to the little voice
who says she wants to be free to be herself
to be powerful
to be strong
to be a girl
who loves dresses and is strong
for being that way
not weak
to love who I am
and to learn to embrace that
and to realize
there was never anything wrong with me
I was just brought into the world into a place with people
who could never love me
or appreciate my light
now I am choosing different
for my inner child and for myself.
Now is the time to choose power
to choose strength.
But most of all to choose love
to choose to love all of me
and that I never needed to long to be someone that I am not.
I alone have the power to change my life
and to save myself in the end.

There were dreams
I had
for the longest time
dreams
of nail polish on hands
dreams
where I could be free
to sing
whatever music I wanted to sing
to shake
to rock my body
to move my hips
to sing on the top of my lungs
to be seen
to be recognized
as the star that I am
this was a dream that I had for a very long time
all throught out my childhood
where I was brought into the world
a world filled with tight religion
of nonsensical rules
where I had to mask my true self
to make the patriarchal rabbis
and my father and mother
happy
so I felt like I had to hide my darkness
my wildness
my urge to sing
in front of men
which was seen as a sin
where I come from
to shake my hips
to express
myself
and each time I get up on that stage
and sing karoke
and have people love my voice
and me feeling captivated
like I am in a different world
for when I sing
I feel ecstatic
like I could do it for hours
show people my words
show them my fire
have them feel
what I feel
it is truly
what has helped me escape
my own longing for death
that haunted me for a while

I think I am starting to see
what it is like to actually live
and to breathe
knowing that I am safe.

Sometimes
Dreams can take a while to come true
but tonight while I stood on that stage
surrounded by other women
I felt normal.

Like a woman
Returning to my wholeness
free
seen
loved and recognized
by these beautiful loving
Israeli women standing around me
screaming Taylor Swift songs
and laughing about our exes
in this space,
my childhood dreams
and my teenage dreams started to come true.

The feeling
aches
rages within me
all day
of just being left
so alone
so abandoned
I don't think I have ever been so alone
in my life,
its like no words escape my lips
I'm just so alone
and people promise to meet me,
and see me
say "they miss me.."
and than they dissapear
and I  don't hear from them
and I'm left alone
to face my demons inside
the ones I've always pushed away
the ones that have always shattered me inside.
and I always swallowed it down
swalloed it away,
saw everyone else fall in love around me
and still I was left all alone.
See everyone around me
go out with their friends ,
and me not feeling like I truly ever had anyone
who truly saw me,
and so I cut all of them out ,
because they all treated me so badly,
but inside inside
I was weeping crying raging
like a beat up horse
stuck in the wild
feral all alone,
my whole life
I took care of everyone else ,
in hope that one day
someone might see me
and see my pain,
would want to see what made my heart tick
what made my heart sing
the ones who pertended to
and would then just use me
abuse me
and say oh but she is so cute looking
no I'm not, see me.
but how can others see us
if we refuse to see our true selves
how can we have true friends
if we refuse to be our own true friend,
how can we expect others to not abuse us,
if we continue to abuse ourselves,
so now AS I sit broken here alone,
hugging my pillow in despair
not knowing what it  is to love,
to truly laugh,
to know what it is like to experience pleasure
to feel love
my whole life,
I have had a dream to be saved,
without even realizing that
I am the only one,
who can save myself ,
see nothing can save me,
not the *** addiction or the love addiction.
the vanity of wanting to look perfect all the time,
of wanting the food to fill the void within,
of wanting the repression to save me
to not bury me anymore,
but the only way out is through
so maybe tears are miracles ,
maybe tears are beautiful presents of love
maybe tears are hidden transformations
of droplets of love ,
hidden beneath the stars,
maybe healing is about learning to accept
the shadows that come up,
understanding that pain and love are two sides of the same coin
and when you can sit with yourself as you cry and burn
and get back up and take care of yourself again all alone
is when you learn to become the true warrior
and to learn that your voice holds so much power
to unlock codes of activation within your soul
and that when you heal yourself
you become so powerful
UNSTOPPABLE!
To be able to truly experience life and love
instead of or in place of where addictions once were
isn't that the true purpose of life
not to chase after money or ***
but when we are healed and healing
we can have healthy relationships
healthy love and have a healthy purpose
and when we understand the shadows
we understand ourselves
because the world wants to deceive us
and have us think
that we are just always meant to be happy
and if you aren't than there must be something wrong with you
I say no the ones who truly feel pain
and express it
can feel and experience  true joy and true love
and without doing the work we don't truly experience either
why do you think people drink so much and use so much ?
to forget to numb , to not truly feel anything ,
what if we all just had one big crying session all together
and held space for each other
I believe that would help to heal the world so much,
but I think what also helps to heal is kindness
kindness to plants and animals and even insects they feel it all tooo
we are all connected as one conciousness and when we harm one
like mother earth than we are all harmed as a whole.
when you see that old man struggling on the sidewalk or the poor
man haggered all alone and crying
do you have the kindness and love inside of you
to stop to care or to simply wish them love
most people don't why I honestly don't know
I have so many reasons why I should be the most hateful
bitter mean and abusive person in the world.
In fact my family most of them are all that way ,
but even tho parts of me are so hardened,
my heart is still the most alive.
My biggest dream since I have been so alone is to help
save humanity and still even within my struggle
I still do the best I can to help others
truly no one has any excuses in life to be a mean person
everything is choice evolve or stay the  same .
that is all