It's like when all that the world you knew
was pitch darkness
and you start to emerge
from the rubble
you realize
wow how much hell
I lived in,
and I thought it was normal!!

I thought it was okay
that I was treated so badly
that I chased people
for the breadcrumbs
of love,
they would shake at me
and me with my greedy hands
would lick it up
thinking it was love
when it was really toxicity
masked as love
like sharded swords
masked as love
is still killing.

Today I woke up and
decided
ENOUGH!


All I know is that
we can always come back to ourselves
always
it is never
never too late
even when the darkness
has come behind the eyes
and you feel as if you can't go on
see because I felt like that for most of my life
and I pushed so deeply
because I knew my purpose
was greater than my suffering
and still sometimes it feels like this
but I hold myself
and tell myself
I am worthy of softness
of a life that is filled with healing
of good memories
of good moments
like beautiful coffee moments
like dancing to the electronic music
like writing my first books
like singing
hearing and seeing myself
dressed to the nines
like kissing my loved ones
being someone's muse
for their poetry and love songs
knowing that I am worthy of these moments
maybe for some
it can take more time
for us to experience
but I know that
if i was created from star dust
than star dust can happen.

There were dreams
I had
for the longest time
dreams
of nail polish on hands
dreams
where I could be free
to sing
whatever music I wanted to sing
to shake
to rock my body
to move my hips
to sing on the top of my lungs
to be seen
to be recognized
as the star that I am
this was a dream that I had for a very long time
all throught out my childhood
where I was brought into the world
a world filled with tight religion
of nonsensical rules
where I had to mask my true self
to make the patriarchal rabbis
and my father and mother
happy
so I felt like I had to hide my darkness
my wildness
my urge to sing
in front of men
which was seen as a sin
where I come from
to shake my hips
to express
myself
and each time I get up on that stage
and sing karoke
and have people love my voice
and me feeling captivated
like I am in a different world
for when I sing
I feel ecstatic
like I could do it for hours
show people my words
show them my fire
have them feel
what I feel
it is truly
what has helped me escape
my own longing for death
that haunted me for a while

I think I am starting to see
what it is like to actually live
and to breathe
knowing that I am safe.

Sometimes
Dreams can take a while to come true
but tonight while I stood on that stage
surrounded by other women
I felt normal.

Like a woman
Returning to my wholeness
free
seen
loved and recognized
by these beautiful loving
Israeli women standing around me
screaming Taylor Swift songs
and laughing about our exes
in this space,
my childhood dreams
and my teenage dreams started to come true.

The feeling
aches
rages within me
all day
of just being left
so alone
so abandoned
I don't think I have ever been so alone
in my life,
its like no words escape my lips
I'm just so alone
and people promise to meet me,
and see me
say "they miss me.."
and than they dissapear
and I  don't hear from them
and I'm left alone
to face my demons inside
the ones I've always pushed away
the ones that have always shattered me inside.
and I always swallowed it down
swalloed it away,
saw everyone else fall in love around me
and still I was left all alone.
See everyone around me
go out with their friends ,
and me not feeling like I truly ever had anyone
who truly saw me,
and so I cut all of them out ,
because they all treated me so badly,
but inside inside
I was weeping crying raging
like a beat up horse
stuck in the wild
feral all alone,
my whole life
I took care of everyone else ,
in hope that one day
someone might see me
and see my pain,
would want to see what made my heart tick
what made my heart sing
the ones who pertended to
and would then just use me
abuse me
and say oh but she is so cute looking
no I'm not, see me.
but how can others see us
if we refuse to see our true selves
how can we have true friends
if we refuse to be our own true friend,
how can we expect others to not abuse us,
if we continue to abuse ourselves,
so now AS I sit broken here alone,
hugging my pillow in despair
not knowing what it  is to love,
to truly laugh,
to know what it is like to experience pleasure
to feel love
my whole life,
I have had a dream to be saved,
without even realizing that
I am the only one,
who can save myself ,
see nothing can save me,
not the *** addiction or the love addiction.
the vanity of wanting to look perfect all the time,
of wanting the food to fill the void within,
of wanting the repression to save me
to not bury me anymore,
but the only way out is through
so maybe tears are miracles ,
maybe tears are beautiful presents of love
maybe tears are hidden transformations
of droplets of love ,
hidden beneath the stars,
maybe healing is about learning to accept
the shadows that come up,
understanding that pain and love are two sides of the same coin
and when you can sit with yourself as you cry and burn
and get back up and take care of yourself again all alone
is when you learn to become the true warrior
and to learn that your voice holds so much power
to unlock codes of activation within your soul
and that when you heal yourself
you become so powerful
UNSTOPPABLE!
To be able to truly experience life and love
instead of or in place of where addictions once were
isn't that the true purpose of life
not to chase after money or ***
but when we are healed and healing
we can have healthy relationships
healthy love and have a healthy purpose
and when we understand the shadows
we understand ourselves
because the world wants to deceive us
and have us think
that we are just always meant to be happy
and if you aren't than there must be something wrong with you
I say no the ones who truly feel pain
and express it
can feel and experience  true joy and true love
and without doing the work we don't truly experience either
why do you think people drink so much and use so much ?
to forget to numb , to not truly feel anything ,
what if we all just had one big crying session all together
and held space for each other
I believe that would help to heal the world so much,
but I think what also helps to heal is kindness
kindness to plants and animals and even insects they feel it all tooo
we are all connected as one conciousness and when we harm one
like mother earth than we are all harmed as a whole.
when you see that old man struggling on the sidewalk or the poor
man haggered all alone and crying
do you have the kindness and love inside of you
to stop to care or to simply wish them love
most people don't why I honestly don't know
I have so many reasons why I should be the most hateful
bitter mean and abusive person in the world.
In fact my family most of them are all that way ,
but even tho parts of me are so hardened,
my heart is still the most alive.
My biggest dream since I have been so alone is to help
save humanity and still even within my struggle
I still do the best I can to help others
truly no one has any excuses in life to be a mean person
everything is choice evolve or stay the  same .
that is all

when all I would seek was flesh to consume me
so my eyes would hide behind tears so deep
and scars that ran so deep inside of me
so you wouldn’t see my pain
so my laugh would ring in the walls
so you wouldn’t see how I am dying inside
every single day
still now, even though I am healing,
still it feels like the maze of pain will never ever end
the mask falls
and I feel that people don’t really like me
maybe they just put up with me
because I speak reality to ones who don’t want to see it
and truth is most people don’t want to see it
but I grasped the straws and strings of my life to make it through

so when it’s late at night I am there in that place again
trauma dumping, oversharing,
wanting someone to see my pain
to grab my hands
to say I see you, I know, it’s okay
but I wish I didn’t want it so bad
I wish I could let the validation fade away already
I wish I didn’t cry so much
and miss my family so much
the one who broke my heart into shreds so deep
that all I feel is a deep piercing aching pain every day
like a knife in my heart, in my chest

all I knew my whole life was a feeling of wrongness inside of me
that I was born wrong
that I didn’t deserve to exist
when my father would crawl into my bed each night
and I hoped for death
all I wanted was to be a bird
and to wash my cuts away in the sink at night

so then when I grew up,
I ran from religion
I ran off to a faraway land
and soaked my bed with the scent of men who liked to prey on me
because I thought being prey was love
and the addiction became so deep of wanting men to see me
that it’s all I live for still
and yet it’s an addiction that I can’t seem to run from
no matter how many boundaries I put up

all I want is love, I scream
but I rarely, if ever, am texted first
my whole life I lie on my bed gasping in pain for hours a day
and when I leave my house and go outside
people ask me if I am okay
and I say yes
but no — I am not. I never am
even when I have some hours of reprieve
even when I am healthier
even when I am working on my mindset
my pain is so, so deep
that I don’t know how I will recover

because how does one recover from being sexually abused so severely, the way that I have?
how does one recover from being severely abused in almost every single manner your whole life?
how does one recover from starvation?

then I live in a land where people look away from starving children
and are shocked that I care
and laugh
what has died so deeply inside of you
that you can’t see to care about others dying in the ditch in Gaza two hours from you
as in pain as I am

maybe my pain made me see right
that we are all human
and no one ever deserves this

I spoke to the soldier the other night who almost died for no reason
and I think about another man on the other side of the wall, starving
and I wonder
yet one is called a hero
the other is the terrorist
nope
maybe both are just controlled
and stuck in a cruel world

it feels too harsh
to see too much all of the time
I feel that I am who I am — what I am — is too much for the world
always and all of the time
that’s it

I don’t know what to say anymore
I am so hated by my family and by so many others
that I don’t know how to get over it
I don’t know how to get past
being hated
for my existence on this earth.