As I see the world cheering for our  deaths
yelling gas the jews
as if they think that will bring peace and freedom
all I can think about and cry
beyond my numbness of pain
is think of you and how i remember you
your beautiful nails
your beautiful smile
your hebrew
the way you played with all of the children
it aches me everyday since the war started
not knowing if your alive
all I can do is hope
and pray that your okay
or that if your dead
that you went without pain
my heart can't hold all this pain
I greet each of my friends and ask them how they are
grief stings the air
like a spell
everyone is grieving
everyone knows someone
who was burnt kidnapped killed
***** or kidnapped
I would love for the westeners to live here one day
and see what its like
to actually live here
instead of just seeing things from a biased one perspective
life especially war is complicated ******
and painful
and evil knows no bounds
today i saw a picture
of a girl that was burnt alive
I can't help but hope
that you didn't die like that
I hope that you went to the wrong party
and that you are sitting in your house
in the north
smiling sipping coffee
and singing israeli music
I hope and pray that your okay
I pray and I cry ..

I see displaced empathy around me
it seems the world only wants to care about the palestinans death and horror
empathy cannot and should not just be for once side
for when my people were being burnt and charred to bits
and baked in an oven 3 weeks ago
the world didn't care all that much
and told us we made it up
while still we are weeping
they claim we are lying
while now chanting for our deaths in the streets
is it 2023 or 1933?
I wander if my great grandparents were alive now
what they would think?
Its such a tragedy that so many people care about equal rights
except when it comes to Jews or Jewish children ...
suddenly we are at fault??
so call it what it is
if one can only be sad about certein deaths
and only condemn certein things
it means your empathy is broken
especially if your not even involved in this conflict
I hope humanity can wake up
and reclaim their kindness and goodness.

Today
and the last few
i chose forgiveness
I chose to forgive all the people
who have abused me hurt me and bullied m e
I don't want to carry it with me anymore
the anger built so much pain within me for so long
I couldn't let go of the past
and it just pained me beyond words.
So much staying in the past
So i forgive
I still am healing
and everything feels a little lighter and brighter now
with room to expand
a little brighter
A willigness to let go
To not drag my feet in the sand as much anymore
So I forgive myself and others
and I let go .

slowly
everyday I wake up
push through my trauma
my trauma responses
journal
take care of myself as best as I can
for even during war time
my old traumas are triggered
I am learning to love myself
still
to protect myself
to still heal myself
even in times of chaous
to still carry softness in my heart
for people
to still learn to have compassion and empathy
to still love even in times of hate
to still light candles of
hope and of prayer

I remember
how it felt
to be beaten
how it felt to be broken
how it felt to be dark
how it felt
to be so helpless
how the men tried to ******* me
how I even in my place of terror
refused
how I always chose life
even when all the parts in me
begged for death
I remember how it felt
to run for my life
each time the missile alarms sounded
how I felt
knowing I might die at any moment
I remember how it felt
to be so poor
to feel so starving
I remember how it felt
to look my pain in my eyes
and wish it away
I remember how it felt
to feel the pain in my body
of where they all hurt me
of where my brokeness lied
I remember how it felt to be used
abused
beaten
kicked out
abandoned
disrespected
I remember
so I vow to love myself
to hug myself in my darkness in my pain
I remember
I am not shocked by pain
its something i understand deeply
for death is like pain
and pain is like death
one can die while they are alive
I have had so many times in my life
where I don't know how I survived
now I am choosing life
in a place reeked with death
I am choosing more presence
I am choosing to follow my goals
to live my life
the way I want to
I am working on choosing my bravery.

You messege me
after almost a year of not speaking
telling me
how what you did to me
how you hurt me
haunts you
you are showing to me
that maybe you are human
maybe you can change
I want to believe
you
but you my brother
have hurt me in ways
that maybe I can forgive them
but forget them I never will
maybe we will be able to speak again
but I don't know if it can go back to the way it was
when we were young
when I trusted you
before you abandoned me
in all of the darkest hours of my life
when i had noone besides you
when I was homeless
beaten and broken.
I will give you another chance
but I don't know if I will ever let you in
closely
the way we were in the past
the wounds
the marks you said to me
about all of who I was
have hurt me so much
although
these things have helped me heal many
very deep things
I don't how what to say
other than
I will have my boundaries
and tread very carefully
and wait to see if your actions
prove your words right or wrong
other than that
not even sure what I have to speak to you
about anymore
I am a very different person now
in a good way
but also in a way of brokeness
in a way of wearing my edginess
as a pride
as a badge on my sides.
For I do not need to feel ashamed of who I am
anymore
for you did that for me.
I feel sorry sad and angry for you
I hope you have changed
the way you say you did.
I hope.
I hope I am not hoping falsely.

I think
I am learning
the lessons of death
life and rebirth
when we die
and are reborn in this life
or in other ones
we start to see  what really matters in life
travel beautiful moments
hugging our loved ones
forgiveness
treating ourselves with love
when the land around me
in Israel
is burning
I see how I can give some light
to the world
how I can smile
hold space
How I can hold space
for myself and others
how the shadows
appear
how I can be myself
how I can stand up for myself
without needing the validation of others
To realize how truly fragile life is
That the fear is not of death
but of living a life that wasn't lived
fully .
Maybe I can live
in the sake of all those
that were killed
I can light a candle
and sit in prayer for them
and for us.