You called me fat
All I wanna do is punch your lights out
you were my brother
you were my best friend my whole life
and now your my enemy
and it took me so long to see
because I never wanted to see it
but now I have learnt its better to see
than not see
and I see your wounds
your narcissim
I watch you from a private Instagram
if someone would see us together they would never think that we are related
because you pertend to be kind
but your really not
You are dark
and I hope one day
healing finds you
because I still love you
even though
you have abused me so much

I hope you remember how kind you used to be
before you turned
the other way.
For Now,
you wear your  mysogony
as a badge ,
to prove to yourself
of the kind of  person you are.

I hope you learn to love yourself
and to love the women  around you,
as people
and to see me as who I am.

But I think its a lost prayer
that might not ever happen
so I have  to let go
and I understand
we all have our separate paths
in life,
so maybe this is yours.

I take my power back and
I let you go .
I reclaim myself
from you
from your judgmental
mean stares
and mean callous remarks
I will be strong despite you,
and I will wear my suits
and be who I am
despite what you think of me.
because me reclaiming myself
from my horrific abusive family
is an act of self love
its an act of power
of showing myself
that I matter above
their toxic opinions.

And now it makes sense
why I feel this way
I have been doing so much
healing work,
the past few days
and so I am starting to feel
again ,
probably for the first time
in eons.
I understand
why it feels so hard
to go about this world
in my female body,
It hurts so deeply
I remember
it as if it was  but a moment
when I realized
that it had all changed,
that I could no longer  just  be a tomboy
and a girl who loves tea parties and dresses
for it was sexualized all of it .

I had to look pretty
I had to be sold for my looks
and for my baby making house wife abilites,
to please the men around me .

And than when I met my brothers last year
it felt like a betrayal on the deepest levels
of my soul
that it completely broke me,
for I saw how it had all changed
how they had changed,
into people that I couldn't recognize anymore,
and it has hurt so deeply
consumed me so much ,
that I haven't even been able
to write even one letter on it .

It was like the mask was ripped off of my face
and I saw how they saw me
and the pain of that
made me just wanna be a man.
anyone,
so that I can be seen in the world
as a person .

For so long
I hated even being pretty
because I soon realized
that for so many people
especially men,
that was all I was
and for me
I am such a deep soul
that I want people to see
who I am
and I very so often
just wanna say fk it all
to life ,
and not even try anymore
Maybe if I grew up in a secular world
where religion didn't matter
I would feel less like this
but where I am from
a woman like me
is just to be a slave in a sense
to a man
and even now that I am free
I still see the slavery of the patriarchy
in the secular world
and it breaks me  so much.

So I just sit here crying
acknowledging
the deep traumas I have
and that I feel that I carry
wounds of armour
of my soul
every time Friday comes
I remember
the ****** trauma in my body
that I feel has scarred me
from my own father
and all I wanna do is die
I wish the feelings
would  just go away
but they are no stranger to me
I wish
someone
could  hold me in their arms
and say that it will all be okay.
But I have no one in my life anymore,
all I can do is save myself
but the journey feels so long so hard
and so tiresome .

I tell myself it will get easier
but it feels like a lie almost,
to keep my hope alive
but still I am trying
to see the end somehow.

It's like when all that the world you knew
was pitch darkness
and you start to emerge
from the rubble
you realize
wow how much hell
I lived in,
and I thought it was normal!!

I thought it was okay
that I was treated so badly
that I chased people
for the breadcrumbs
of love,
they would shake at me
and me with my greedy hands
would lick it up
thinking it was love
when it was really toxicity
masked as love
like sharded swords
masked as love
is still killing.

Today I woke up and
decided
ENOUGH!


All I know is that
we can always come back to ourselves
always
it is never
never too late
even when the darkness
has come behind the eyes
and you feel as if you can't go on
see because I felt like that for most of my life
and I pushed so deeply
because I knew my purpose
was greater than my suffering
and still sometimes it feels like this
but I hold myself
and tell myself
I am worthy of softness
of a life that is filled with healing
of good memories
of good moments
like beautiful coffee moments
like dancing to the electronic music
like writing my first books
like singing
hearing and seeing myself
dressed to the nines
like kissing my loved ones
being someone's muse
for their poetry and love songs
knowing that I am worthy of these moments
maybe for some
it can take more time
for us to experience
but I know that
if i was created from star dust
than star dust can happen.

There were dreams
I had
for the longest time
dreams
of nail polish on hands
dreams
where I could be free
to sing
whatever music I wanted to sing
to shake
to rock my body
to move my hips
to sing on the top of my lungs
to be seen
to be recognized
as the star that I am
this was a dream that I had for a very long time
all throught out my childhood
where I was brought into the world
a world filled with tight religion
of nonsensical rules
where I had to mask my true self
to make the patriarchal rabbis
and my father and mother
happy
so I felt like I had to hide my darkness
my wildness
my urge to sing
in front of men
which was seen as a sin
where I come from
to shake my hips
to express
myself
and each time I get up on that stage
and sing karoke
and have people love my voice
and me feeling captivated
like I am in a different world
for when I sing
I feel ecstatic
like I could do it for hours
show people my words
show them my fire
have them feel
what I feel
it is truly
what has helped me escape
my own longing for death
that haunted me for a while

I think I am starting to see
what it is like to actually live
and to breathe
knowing that I am safe.

Sometimes
Dreams can take a while to come true
but tonight while I stood on that stage
surrounded by other women
I felt normal.

Like a woman
Returning to my wholeness
free
seen
loved and recognized
by these beautiful loving
Israeli women standing around me
screaming Taylor Swift songs
and laughing about our exes
in this space,
my childhood dreams
and my teenage dreams started to come true.

It tastes like grief
i hear the children
playing in the background
and the piecies inside of me
that were held together
just broke finally
i never ever
got to have that childhood
that i have been dreaming of my whole life
my whole life all I have ever wanted
was to be grown
to move out of the terror
the holocaust
known as my home growing up
where now still i feel so much fear and anxiety around kids
and babies
for they remind
me of the childhood
that had the worst atrocites
scarred inside of it
where my inner child
feels so scarred by life
that i sit with her and all i can hear is screams and cries
where every time that it gets closer to holidays or to the weekend
the pain just deepens
I am going to encounter one of my fears
to work with children
for my first time in years
and although children bring me so much joy
i am afraid to face myself
but i know that things are better
because for so long
I couldn't even look at pictures of my old self
and now I can a little bit more
I wish I could protect all of the children of the world
and not allow them to experience the pain
that I did my whole life
where I wasn't allowed to be a child
where I was abused so much
that I wanted to die all the time
where I would dream about
being a little bird
that could fly away
and be free
where I dissacociated so much
that I at the ripe age of 26
barely know who I am
because so much of who
I am is just pain
bullying and abuse
where I love people so much
but they have wounded
an incredibly broken heart
with their mocks stares
glares and just utter hatred of me
It hurts so much
but I am learning that I am the only one
that can save myself
so I am doing so
hugging my inner child
and telling her that I am so proud
because I truly am
and because no on ever really told her so.

this world is a portal
we are but specks of dust
living within it
reality is but a figment
of imagination
numbers
colors
learn to heal
and infuse focus
with what you want
you see
reality is
what you make it .

my trauma
didnt even allow me
to dream
yet alone
think
or even be who i am
without always being in a trauma response
i can't say i have moved past that fully
but i am learning slowly
and i am learning to slowly have goals
for myself
for my life
to pick up myself
beneath all of the rubble
to start to stand
with my head high admist all
of the rubble