one of my fav things to do is to play music
late at night when the whole world is asleep
and there is such peace and quietness
true peace,
the more I change,
the more my music does!
Instead of romanticizing pain 24/7,
why not romanticize our futures /our goodness &our desires ...
I love to sit in the sunshine at 12pm or 3pm and feel the grass in my toes
and watch the dogs around me it literally  feels like bliss on earth.
I think if more people worked on unprogramming themselves ,
they would  soon realize,
and experience more bliss in this life ,
but honestly,
most of my life was filled with so so so much pain,
for an extremely long time.
But  I think the only way to get to  experience more of what is true joy,
Is to experience lots of pain at least most of the time,
it is that way.
We have the  choice,
Transmute the pain,
or let it rot inside of us,
consuming us,
eating us alive,
Being supressed for all time .

Today is holocaust remembrance day here
and yet the world is still such a hateful place,
it worries me so much
I as a Jew have been brought up
on so many  horror stories
they tell us as children
your ancestors
were murdered starved and  were beaten for being Jewish
for thousands and thousands of years
most recently being in 1939
but there are many hate crimes that have happened since then.

When I lived in America
I too felt that hatred
towards me
because I was a Jew
in 2019
so it made me leave
to my jewish country.
where we are still killed for being here
for just existing
its like with each death
my heart becomes more and more numb
to the death of my people
all because of needless hate
I wonder if  hate can do that ,
can love heal this and heal us ?
or when my  great grandparents felt that hatred too,
In Germany in 1924, so they left in 1926.

love can truly heal our world
I still will believe that ,
no matter what.

I feel like I've died a million times
but dying alive
hurts the most
when you've always just wanted
life to end .
It still feels like that  way alot,
when you've realized everyone
you thought
cared about you
was your friend
was really your enemy
hurt you
gaslight you
bullied you
used your kindness
against you.

All I wanna do is cry about it and rage on forever and ever
the pain inside
feels so hard,

so when people say cut all the toxic people out
well I have and now I have no one
absolutley noone

and when I go out in public
all I feel is paralyzed by grief
and so so  much pain
I've been hurt so much
that I don't recognize my face in the mirror
and pimples have formed in the place
of my once clear skin
its like reminding me
the pain inside
has come to greet me on the outside.

I so wish with all my heart
that I had family and friends in my life
its like being an orphan
but everyone is alive  all around you
besides you
this is how I feel most days lately
while I do feel happier I also feel
the deepest pain
ever,
it feels like its killing me alive.

in fact I have felt this way always
but never cried about it or written about it before.
I have felt rejected since birth
by my own mother .

sometimes I just ask myself
why was I born ?!!

I know I have a purpose
but many times it just  feels like too too  much .

I think self hate is fed to us since birth
that we must always hide away our
"flaws"
must always look like a 10
must always look thinner
curvier
have perfect flawed skin
my whole life my worth was counted on
by how beautiful I looked
and to now break that
and to find myself beautiful
but without that being the whole of my worth
feels so incredibly hard
to beat the voices in my head
that belittle me
the greatest compliments
were I love your soul
I love your energy
your so beautiful and kind
and loving and compassionate
why can't we as a society judge others
yes by their beauty because we are all beautiful
but also by how kind our souls are.

Always hid myself
Behind makeup
Behind fancy clothing
Behind needing to always be with people
But what I'm realizing
Is that I am still beautiful
Even more so maybe
Without makeup
With my acne
With my scars
With my beautiful curvy body
With wearing simplier comfier clothing
With embracing my natrual gifts and talents
Loves and joys
By opening up my heart to life
But still keeping to my boundaries
By being more present
By admiring the orange trees and flowers growing on the side of the road
With my coffee and prayers in hand
To appreciate the books
The seen and the unseen
To love and care for planet earth
To help others feel loved in my presence
And to live a slower life
To love my traditions my roots
To appreciate where I came from
While still loving and embracing my current Israeli life ✨
Things don't need to be perfect or photoedited
To be beautiful and pure
In fact in a world of plastic surgeries and fakness
Maybe it is that much more beautiful to be real and raw ✨🧿

I look  up
and then around me
society says" EW look at her
shes a witch
shes a freak
shes a creep
look at the way she taps her hands
walks barefoot on the ground
is a neurodivergent
artist
is lazy,
you must return
to the hustle culture
you must stop with your nonsense
with your feminism
with your dreaming etc...
with your believing in magic and spirituality.

My whole life
everyone laughed at me
mocked me for being myself ,
my parents ,my brothers and pretty much everyone
I've been so misunderstood
that I haven't even understood
myself
or the friends that I had,
looking back,not really sure
that they were my friends.
If and when I was truly myself .

I remember in my past lives
when I was also a witch
I was beaten tortured
and drowned,
just for being a women/ a witch
when they talk about  the patriarchy
this is it ,
I am still a witch in this lifetime  
althought there isn't outright opression
like it was back then,
I still find it a struggle
because I've never ever
fit in and when I tried
it felt like a taste from  the burning hell,

I wish that society was more accepting and understanding
of different types of human beings.
I certeinly strive to be.
I don't know if this is a poem
or an essay
I don't really know what is it
to be honest with you ,  
All I know is that,
I am really trying to do the work in healing myself
and understanding
that where there is a will
there is a way,
everyone has a different purpose
and this is part of mine.

Tell me your darkest desires
and I will show you who you truly are inside
why is it that most of us humans
are so afraid of being vulnerable
and real
I think that we as a world can heal so much
if we allow all of our shadows to come to life
with true healing love and compassion
so show me your deepest darkest truths
and I will show you
who you truly are inside
the you that is raw
that is inpenetrable
the one that is lovable
admist all of the pain
don't fear your shadow its your greatest teacher