On the outside:
Hi!
-Hey.
How are you?
-I’m good, what about you?
I’m good, thanks.

In my head:
Oh, if only they knew
That I am the complete opposite of “good”
But I have to say that I am
Because society hates
When we wear our hearts on our sleeves

In their head:
Yeah, sure
I’m totally “good”
Well
I guess she isn’t either
But that’s just how it goes

Back outside:
Well, I’ll see you later!
-Yeah, see you later!
(They both walk away)

Inside our heads:
I hope I don’t see them later.

Thoughts swirling through my brain
I think I’m going insane

I don’t know what I am
Am I bi? Or am I pan?

My brain is near imploding
Body feels like exploding

Questioning is a hard thing to do
Especially when I really, really like you

Last night
I dreamt of the beach
And waves as high as the clouds
Everyone else
Was having a ball in the huge waves
Even my little 3-year-old brothers
Not affected at all
By the tsunami-like mountains
Of icy-blue water
But
The second
That I stepped foot in the water
I was swept under
And into darkness
And it was that moment
That I
Was truly
Awoken from that dream

I’m screaming
And no one on Earth can hear me

Silence speaks volumes
A glance in someone’s direction
A sorrowful look in someone’s eyes
A poorly hid snicker
Something simple as the touch of a hand
Can tell a story
A story worth so much more
Than words
Because the emotions
Transmitted through total silence
Are the most powerful
And words are nowhere near enough
To convey such intense emotion

Though silence is not filled with words,
It is filled with feeling
Maybe people
Should communicate through silence
More often

Sometimes
I just scroll through Tik Tok
And see what’s there
There have been so many instances
Where I’ve watched a video
And it’s of an average-looking person
They do just one little thing
And it makes my heart flutter
I watch the video over and over
Just to see that one little thing
Oh,
How I despise hormones

It’s so interesting
How only one person in the entire world
Will know what I am talking about
And what kind of meaning
It holds
When I say the words
“Magenta Scarf”

Stars
They seem so tiny
So insignificant
So abundant in our sky
That each little one
Must be worth close to nothing
But in actuality
Because of their gargantuan distance
From Earth,
They are really
More than about 10 times the size of Earth
And probably more
Also
It takes thousands of years
For a stars light to reach Earth
So think,
The light from the star in the sky
That you’re looking at right now
Could have gone supernova decades ago,
But the light hadn’t died out yet,
Because the light from when it was still
Alive,
Is still traveling to us
So in a way,
We can see the past
Stars are incredible
I think
We could learn a thing or two from them
And that is why,
My friend,
I just wrote a really long,
Really boring,
Poem with facts about stars
I don’t know if I’m even going to post this
Well,
I guess we’ll see

It’s kind of funny
How that when humans or animals die,
It’s an ugly, tragic thing
But stars
The little bright dots
Sprinkled over the night sky
When they die
It is one of the most beautiful
Astonishing
Phenomenons of the sky
So,
When you think about it,
Why
Does death
Have to be such a horrible thing?

Rubies are red
Skies are blue
They say I could do better
But I still love you

I’ll give you a stupid Valentine
Decked out in red and pink
I would say I love you so,
But I’m afraid you’ll be gone in a blink

The thing about rock bottom is that
When you hit it,
Even though you’re all
Cut-up and bruised
The only way to go now,
Is
Up

I have this feeling
And I have no idea what it is
I feel like
Like something just changed inside me
That tomorrow
Everything is going to change
And not in a bad way
But an amazing way
I still don’t really understand what I’m feeling
Or why I am feeling it
But I know it’s good
And I can’t wait to see
What tomorrow will bring

My family has been through so much
Divorce
Having two autistic kids
And two typically developing kids
Just trying to stay on top of everything
But we don’t let it **** our spirit
Every day,
We dance in the kitchen to “The Greatest Showman”
And tickle our little babies (toddlers, technically, but still babies to me)
Until belly-laughs engulf every other sound
We say “I love you” constantly
Because it is true
We may be dysfunctional
And crazy,
And confusing,
But the love is undeniable
We are broken,
But if there were no cracks,
Would our true light ever shine through?

Her eyes are a canvas
Filled with tears and sorrow
Pain and self doubt
Regret and anger
But also
Those eyes know
Laughs and smiles
Inside jokes
Knowing looks
Paired with raised eyebrows
Her eyes are a filled canvas
Of beautiful green
The good and the bad
The hatred and the love
All right there
In her green eyes

Love
What is it?
You might say that it’s something you feel
When you really care about someone
It’s a noun
A feeling
A verb, when you love someone
But really,
It’s an adjective
It describes something
It describes that
Indescribable feeling,
When you have someone
Who you can’t get out of your mind
They are always with you
Talking to you in your head
And when you look at them,
All you can do is think to yourself,
“What did I do to deserve such a beautiful human being like you?”
And in your head,
(Because they are always there)
They say,
“I wasn’t like this before. You turned me into the beautiful, loving, and most of all, happy, person I am right now, with you. Because you are me, and I am you.”
That, my friend,
Is what they would say

To the people who write under the cover of darkness
Who hide their abilities from the world
In attempt to be “normal”
Who don’t want to stand out from the crowd,

Be you
You are amazing
You don’t need to hide who you really are
To get people to like you
Because if you want real friends,
You will show people who you are,
And I guarantee you
That some amazing people,
Will come along
And love you
For the beautiful,
Talented,
Lovely person
That I know you are

It seems dull
Like nothing is left
Like the browns and blacks and grays
Never held anything at all
But the place is filled with emotion
Pain
Despair
The smallest flicker of hope
Dieing out slowly
Disappearing into thin air
Air filled with the dust and ash from a brutal bombing
The echoed cries of people attempting to stay alive
And failing
The streets dead silent
Buildings reduced to nothing but piles of rock
All thoughts of hope
Gone
Like so many people you love
Just gone
And maybe
You wish you’d gone with them

Heart pounding
Ears ringing
Shaking violently from deep in my core
Lungs gasping
Thoughts swirling
And I can’t even grasp a word
Head banging
Fist beating
Saying please, no more, no more
Urge fighting
Rage boiling
Begging my tears not to hit the floor

"I hate my life."
"I want to die.'"
It's what they all say
But really
All they want
Is for life to be perfect
And if that's what they're waiting for
Then they might as well just **** themselves
Because life will never be perfect
It is messy
And crazy
And incomprehensible sometimes
But if there was no darkness
Was there ever any light?

Think about all of the letters in the alphabet
And then all of the words they create
There are so many of them
Millions upon millions of combinations of letters
That us humans have thought up
To express our feelings,
Thoughts and opinions
And out of all of those words
That seemingly infinite list of words
The only one I can think of
Is

"You"

I haven't really had anything to write about
Because life's been pretty good
And I feel happy
But one of the things that I love so much
Is writing poetry
And now I can't do that
Because my life is so ******* great
And I hate it
I hate it so
                so
                    so
                        so
                           so
                               much
And I'm sorry if you think I'm ungrateful
Because I'm not
I am so incredibly grateful
That I have a warm bed to sleep in at night
A fridge stocked with food
A family who loves me
But even though I've gained some sort of happiness
(is that what you call it?)
I've lost something even worse
My writing
And I have no idea how to get it back

I’m broken
I am millions upon millions
Of shards of glass
Strewn across the floor
Watch your step
As you try to fix me
Because the shattered pieces of glass
Could pierce you at any moment
Tear your skin at its thinnest
And you’ll never expect it
Because you will piece me together
One shard at a time
I may look strong
Like all I’ve been through has shaped me
And it has
But I will never be perfect
There will always be scars
Across my heart and soul
And they will never leave me
Because they are a part of who I am
I am my scars
I am my broken pieces
Strewn across the floor
And though you fix me in the outside
I will never
Ever
Be fixed on the inside

We've all been raised in a
****** up world
With ****** up minds
I’m a ****** up girl

We’ve all been born to a
****** up race
With ****** up ideas
Coming at a ****** up pace

We’ve all seen this world as a
****** up thing
With ****** up people
Wearing ****** up rings

We all know how
****** up we are
But all we do
Is sit
And stare
At our phones
And think it will just go away
If we ignore it long enough

We’ll do this
Until the world ends
And we have no chance at stopping it
Because we are
******
The
Hell
Up

Love is love
So why discriminate?
We all need to love
So why spread the hate?

Love who you want
You have the choice
You can be who you are
Use your voice

Don’t listen to the people
Who tell you to change
This isn’t a bad thing
There’s no one to blame

When you share your true feelings
You will know who’s your friend
And which were the friendships
That were destined to end

And if they don’t accept you
For who you are
They don’t deserve you
Without them you’ll go far

We are all with you
You don’t need to hide it
Love yourself
And don’t fight it

Love is love
Don’t listen to the hate
Love who you choose
No one has to be straight

Is it weird,
That even as a to-be-teenager,
I still feel like a young child around Christmas?

Christmas Eve:
Butterflies are fluttering in my stomach
And it takes me about 2 hours to finally get to sleep
And then I wake up just to take another 2 hours
To fall asleep again

Christmas Morning:
I wake up
Early.
Like, really early
Around 6:20
And my heart is beating so fast,
That I have to slow my breathing to get it back to normal.
I want to wait, give everyone else some time to sleep in
But I can't take the anticipation any longer

I rush downstairs
To feast my eyes on the wondrous sight
Of presents wrapped under a fake pine tree, covered in lights
I have to wait, of course
For my brothers to wake up
So as I wait
Fighting off the urge to unwrap my presents
I look at the ones that said to be mine
And I examine them closely
So that maybe,
Just maybe
I could figure out what they might be.

Finally,
The time has come
And we all run to our presents
Starting to rip off the beautiful wrapping paper
To reveal our Christmas gifts

So, tell me, dear friends
Is it weird?
That I still feel the infamous Christmas Anticipation,
Even as a to-be-teen?

The mirror is my sworn enemy

I hate it
I wholeheartedly despise it
And, well...
How could it not hate me, too?
Everyone says
“It will be okay,
just give it time”
I just nod and smile
And try to believe it
But
No matter how hard I try,
I never will
Because it will never be “okay”
Not now
Not any time in the future
I will always be in this prison of a body
And pigs will fly before I ever,
Ever
Feel whole again

Little girl
Be free
Enjoy the fun,
The carelessness
The perfect little life you have
Because what you don’t know,

Is that life is going to get a hell of a lot harder

Sometimes I wish
I could just crawl out of
My body
My mind
Escape myself
And be free of thoughts
Feelings
And everything in between
Everything
That has ever caused me pain
And for a moment,
Just a sliver of a moment,
May I simply
just
be

Cross my fingers
Cross my eyes
Hope today
I will not die

Whatever it takes
I’ll wish, I’ll pray
To see your beautiful face
Just one more day

I am an atheist
But sometimes,
I believe that there is something up there
But it isn't good like they all say
It exists only to bring pain
And suffering
Into my life