I leave behind
everything
All those hurtful words
and false friendships
I leave behind
my mask
take down my walls
leave my phone
resting on my pillow, a note
sticking out of my favorite book,
take my iPod,
turn it on,
Leave it playing
“Goodbye Town”
and walk out the front door
with no regrets
This isn't my world
and it will never be

“Oh what a beautiful life”
We cut watermelon cubes
while her brother keeps us company,
Gretchen peels potatoes
beside us
Conversation and Silence flowing naturally
and comfortably
While memories of the pool
float in my mind

“So we try to live like it’s all we got”
What started as
dipping our legs in and talking,
music softly pulsing
out of my headphones in the background
as we laughed,
turned into Myth Busters
proving the rumor of hearing a **** whistle blown below water
being heard above
is complete *******
Suddenly I’m underwater, hearing the whistle go off
I’m completely soaked
Standing on the ledge, grabbing her arm
I pull us under
we swim around
Splashing and laughing
chasing one another
our clothes a lost cause
but we don’t care
simply enjoying the glowing moon
and bright stars

“Gives us just one perfect night”
Laughing
and Jostling each other around
Leaving the pool behind
I grin
Gretchen still peeling and cutting potatoes
began making conversation
and the memories
Slowly
Fade away

I am a terrible friend

I forgot
to tell my friend happy birthday
the day before
because I wouldn't see her
on the day of her birthday

I was too stuck in my own head
that I forgot
another friend's cousin died
today was the funeral

I barely know what's going on
with friends who
used to be so close
but are now distant memories

I'm never around
the reasons being my own
and now
nobody cares to tell me anything

I'm so ****** at myself
and yet
I can't help but
know that there's ways
to reach me
other than in person
but nobody cares enough
to do so

I don't know
if it's my fault or theirs

Yes I'm scarcely seen
in the flesh
anymore
but I have a phone, email,
hell they know where I live

So why doesn't anyone
contact me?

Why am I being
left out in the cold?

Why have I become
a distant memory?

What am I supposed to do?
All these thoughts
race through my head
and yet I can't catch a single one

I can't help but
let these thoughts drown me
and hope for relief

No one gives a ****
about me anymore

I give too many *****
and now I'm lost
all over again

It's not my
Heart
that's broken
it's my
Soul
unwinding itself
into millions
of decaying pieces
seeping out of my skin like
broken glass
starving my lungs and
killing my mind
slowly burning my blood away
until I'm nothing
but a wilted shell of rotten flesh
and shattered bones

I want someone to write a
Poem
about me
just so I can see all my flaws
from eyes that are not my own
and I want to
bury myself in this someones mind
poking and prodding at
memories that don't belong to me
curling myself around
the idea that
my flaws are just fissures in my skin
barely recognizable
until you take the time
to ask how I got those scars
because I want someone to look me in the eyes
and talk to me for hours
then write a poem about how insecure I am
just so I can see if they truly understand
I want this someone
to write about my hands and eyes
because they give so much away and I wonder
if you realize just how much I say
without saying a word
I want someone to remove my mask
and drink in every detail
of the real me
memorizing the sound of my
genuine laughs
and eye crinkling smiles
then put pen to paper
describing the way I switch masks
when I fear someone is getting too close
because I need to be seen for once
and I want this someone
to write about my sharp tongue
and honest eyes
I want to look through this someone's eyes
and see all that they see
because my eyes have become too dull and sad
to do me much good anymore
and these days all I see is the shattered reflection
of a girl that once was

I wish for rain to strip me clean
carrying away all the pain.
I wish for sunshine and hot temperatures to warm my skin and
remind me to leave behind the things that weigh me down.
I wish for someone to understand me
not the me that wears the mask but the me when it crumbles away.
I wish for my friends to tell me what the hell is going on
and not just leave me in the dark,
especially when I’m needed.
I know I’ve pulled away, not for lack of love but a need to
re-introduce myself
to my own mind and the ways it’s changed.
I wish I was needed even just a little bit. I know I’m not the gentlest soul
and my hands aren’t soft the way yours are.
I know my hands are rough and demanding and harsh,
but I try to to be gentle and comforting.
I just need to know you’ll want me to be there when all else fails.
And I need a little love. Real Love for me
and not the frail thinly veiled love for my mask and unfailing loyalty.