somewhere in between bliss and despair
i am stuck
i'm trying to get to paradise

i feel like i'm in an empty corridor
cold office building corridor
walking down
looking at every door to my left and right
trying to find paradise

doors to my left had writings that read
"Kalvin", "Halloween 2014", "12/15/2015"

doors to my right read
"Nemo pen holder", "whistler hotel hide & seek", "evening tea and apricot jam"

it smells like an old carpeted apartment building
they all have that same **** and cigarette smell

i keep walking and walking

the colours of the wallpaper agitating me
making me uneasy
it's that kind of light baby blue that you see in an old hospital or psych ward
i hate pastels

the lamps above flicker and buzz
and the corridor seems to get longer and longer
what if i never get to paradise?

each door has light illuminating from the cracks
door "Russian New Years" had all sorts of different coloured hue's coming from inside
muffled disco
Can't Get You out of My Head by Kylie Minogue playing
and shadows moving left and right can be seen from the bottom of the door

it's hard not to want to just keep visiting all these places
it's comforting
so warm
safe

but my happiness isn't in reliving my past
my happiness
my bliss
is a glossy dark blue door
blue door that i can't seem to find

i take a look around
the hallway
is a darker shade of blue
the lights aren't flickering
it's slowly gets warmer as i walk down the hallway
walls turn deeper and deeper into blue

i pick up my pace
i run down the hallway
i can see it
the door
my door
my bliss
at the very end of the hallway

i run faster
i'm sprinting
it's close
it's near i can see it ahead if i squint very hard
i'm close
but not there yet
still running in the hallway
between bliss and despair

i didn't know
something that felt like heavenly bliss
could leave such a bitter taste in your mouth

you told me you've hit a low
i would swim down to the depth of your mind
and save you
if you let me help you
no matter how deep
but it went south

it was a bitter taste

i miss
"i love you"
i miss
having someone near
to share my fears

what if
you held me
would that
be too much to bear
sit and stare instead

the world
is loud and
my ears
could use the rest
listen to your voice instead

distract me from myself

It's been 7 years
when i try and remember my home
the same few memories repeating
i can't seem to remember what it sounded like
the way my brother played his guitar
and how it made me feel
or when he picked me up from school on his BMX bike
we were cooler than all the rest of them
getting into a car

sometimes i look up at the stars
and i imagine i'm looking up
at the Vancouver glittery night sky
or i take a deep breath of air
and the way it bites my throat
will bring me back to the mountains
the snowflakes pinching my cheeks and nose

i'm learning that my loneliness swallows me
no matter how many wonderful things are happening
so many things im being shown that tell me i have hope
if i can't hold that hope and feel it with my hands
if it's not tangible or in my face for me to see
i'm swallowed whole
by my loneliness

i'm trying so hard right now
but why is it so hard in the first place
i don't want it to be hard every day

something in the air
he was gentle
all i can think about is that fine head of hair
he was gentle

his hand holding mine
it's held mine before
it must of
he was gentle

conversation wouldn't stop
the chemistry
it was natural
he was gentle

his lips felt addictive
remind me of my feelings from the past
it was magical
it was butterflies and giggles
snuggles
he was gentle

he gave his attention to me
worshipped my smile
he saw me
he was gentle

i let the world show me i'm not alone
i'm not crazy for my dreams
i'm not simple, and so isn't he
he was gentle

the pavement
it sparkles
from the lamps around
not the moonlight

stars are unseen
it's a dark cloudy night
trees casting a shadow
so dark
they are a black abyss
not from the moonlight

there's no stars in the sky tonight
no magic in the moonlight
everything is colorless and dark

sometimes the things that remind you of happiness
remind you of sadness

sometimes you wanna break it all into little pieces
everything around you
chop off all the trees
dry up all the oceans
collapse all the buildings
create chaos

make life around you look like
how the life around you feels

but i cant
and thank god i cant
cause although you can't see the moonlight tonight
you can see a sparkle in the pavement