no matter what I do;
there's always an empty
spot
waiting for you.


I lied.


it's a

s      p      a        c         e

everyone choose to blame her
everyone choose to avoid her
everyone choose to distrust her
but  no one really listens to her side of the story

it's okay if people find your poetry a bit blunt
immature
basic
typical
childish
drama
they probably think you're not worthy too

but hey,

life is like that

you don't get to make people like you
you like your own piece.
if it makes you.. you
then, that is all that matters


there's also coffee  :)

I cut my hair when I’m sad
An issue with a boyfriend
A friend, a problem, a feeling
Anything in between
Demands a lock of hair
For ritual killing
An offering for the cost
Of rejuvenating
And rise from
The deadly beating

After a while
It grew back and longer
But it won’t last with this anger
Again, it will be offered
To the deity of insanity
In exchange for serenity

It’s a mortal crown
That deserves an eternal frown
Long live the Queen they said
But why do we still stare
To the block of a statue
And sacrifice our virtue?

Every time I cut it
I knew I just had it
This overwhelming feeling
Of a broken healing
A timeline I demand
To discover the recover
Of how will my heart begins
To wonder at love all over

But then again
We would never comprehend
Why sacrifice is legit
For a broken woman to commit
In searching for herself
Reunite with oneself
A riddle we all ponder
Forever wander this mysterious monster
Demands a hair
For an exchange
To remain center

I get that now
That my body and soul
Doesn't click at all
The body wants to party
the soul want to stay whole
I get that now
That my soul was gold
She rather reads
That hit the streets
She rather writes
Than scream all night
The body may be young
But the soul was long hung
How do I know?
Because I always cry
On the wrong side of a track
Every time I hit the Jack and Teq
I get that now
That my body and soul
Doesn't click at all

It was fractured
long before
It was damaged
too fragile
To be fixed
Too torn out
To be sewed
Too broken
To hold on

You don’t have to
promise me the sun
the moon, the stars
the sky, the world
You know I’m capable
Moulding my pearl
Just promise me
You won’t leave
With empty words
You won’t stay
With heavy doubts
You won’t sway
With little flutters
You won’t lean
On faulty hopes
I was broken
To begin with
I don’t need
Another myth

And every time
I couldn't sleep
I’ll go to that place
Where I felt belong
The place you didn't omit
The place for me to mourn
All the regrets I’ve been scorned at
And every time~
I always end up
Crying, Straying
And missing you even more

I learned that clingy and independent
Are the same
Both tires you to death
Both consume most of your life
And you’re left with nothing
But a drained heart
And an empty pocket

I guess I’m still
On the edge
Between deleting our memories
Or missing your energies
I know
I’m still not sober
Its the only thing
I haven't cross-over

It triggers me at night
This emptiness in my heart
And the long cold dark sight
Reminds me that killer of
Forlornness
And my name stick
To its meaning
Such a lonely name its beaming

Like the moon
Missing the sun and the stars
Never together
Always passing over
But never together

I googled your name
But I found nothing
I've searched every way
Every corner
every edge
Every undiscovered place
But I couldn't find you
You're the only one
Who can find me
And here I am
Waiting for your
Discovery

Every soul
I've met along the journey
there's a lost Cleopatra
that once
ruled their heart

L.T

I used to
write a diary
but now
I've found poetry
it vibes with my feelings
my only way of healing

weddings;
made me believe in fairy tales
even though it doesn't
exist in mine
I still believe it is alive
weddings bells
confetti flies
champagne clinks
all eyes smile
deep inside
I still hope high
that fairy tales
present in
all our lives

even poets fall apart
broken inside
acknowledge the fright
accept the pain
to keep them sane
and love again -
just to fall apart
then kept the cycle
on repeat
over heartbeat

Past
are only memories
a fractured mirror
a foggy dream
uncertain future
unpromised gleam
you could reminisce the scene
but never repeat the sin

These words only come
When the night starts to hums
I’m speaking in tongues
Beating sticks to the drum
Creating life out of lungs
And poetry it becomes

I accept with hands
Wide-open
A heart less-broken
A decision
I finally regret
Paying off
Someone else’s
Debt

Do you know what’s funny?
You’re stabbing
Each other’s throat
Pretending not to look
Projecting coming episode
With a smirk on your emote
Visualizing your next
***** excuses
For you to spur
And stab each other’s throat
Then pretend not to look -
That’s what funny

it doesn't interest
me anymore
the scent of
you odour
the sight of
your face
the sound of
your voice
it doesn't interest
me anymore
even if we breathe
the same air
shared the same space
the same bed
the same room
the same house
the same offspring
it doesn't interest me anymore

Being alone
is not that bad;
you'll find yourself
when you're confused
like that

would it be
enough of love
if I craved your name
on my skin
and kept you close
under my nose
and whisper you
melody every night
before bed?
would you see me
as the woman of your dream
or a creeper
in your closet?

I would write to you
a five pages long
of a love letter
and still not enough pages
for me to define
my head over heels
for you -

my question is only this;
would you read them
and reply to me-
the same portion as mine?

All these men in my life

Always love me too much
To a point, I’m always drained

From being controlled
Being captivated
Being ignored
Being cheated
Being confused
Being hurt
Being fooled
Being in love
Being invisible

They drained me to the point
I couldn't find myself
To love me first

pieces of me
will soon engross
into your body
and become
part of me
that once was yours -
but now it's ours

I left my patience
At home
You've probably
Would have known
This anger that I portray
Would lead you
To your doomsday

I left my hope astray
It wasn't meant
To be at bay
But then I recall
The time I had to crawl
Scream and bang and bawl
Wondering if you
Loved me at all

I left my love
Somewhere out there
Hoping at least
I could've bear
Living without you
Yearning a clue
And start living
For another day

is it worth it?
I really can't tell
for all I know is
I'm not dying-
but then again;
I'm not smiling
so
is it worth it?

I couldn't think of
Anything nice to say
Hence; the silent
I've portrayed
The awkwardness
Of the night
Keeps bugging
My tired heart

I couldn't think of
Anything nice to say
Even my smile looks so pale
I was nothing but stale

I’m trying to be calm
I'm trying to stay content
I couldn't keep a straight face
the past hit me hard
it kept me awake
forever alert

I wondered if he noticed
The rage on my face
The grudge in my eyes
The distrust of his words
I couldn't think of another act
To cover up my disguise face

I've been used
To living alone
And his coming just
Add another groan,
I couldn't think of
Anything nice to say
Hence; the silent
I’ve portrayed

The one who's barely there
Had the guts to have a say
That the role That he played
Had contributed he said
Had not he realized
Those words he lay
NoNe whats so ever
A ”sorry” had said
For neglecting his own offspring
For the sake of his pride and
His job was more important
Then spending time with them
The one who's barely there
Had the guts to say ”I’m there”
Didn’t realize the damage he caused
Since the day a womb have mould
All promises he said were bulls
He only hopes that
She would overlook
But she never forgets
The pain she had since 2015
He hasn’t realized
The sacrifice he presents
Was the reason
He wasn’t forgiven
And Still,
He had the guts to have a say
This person who’s barely there

should I run
and hide my vain
from stuttering lies
that flickers within
I could pretend and fall asleep
ignore the pain that
beating my head
or to the endless road
I'll drive and hide
till gas ran out
I'll go gaga again

I could travel the world
in 80 days
enjoy the scenery
and flush all my fears
Or should I face the trouble
and attack the sorrow
avoid being a victim
from your foolish judgement

or should I stand
and accept the misery
understand the progress
and find serenity
I leave it to you then
Almighty Creator -
The one who listens
and always answers
'Be patient, my son,
Your time will come;
You'll find your peace
and your worries be gone'

From
'you're the only one who understands'
to
'What did you tell her?'

it's funny how people used to reach for your comfort when needed
just to bombard you with mockery saying you're the reason they're broken

it's funny when you didn't lay a word but being accused of spreading rumors
when you didn't 'kiss and tell' but they point you with grudge burning in their eyes

it's funny
how people can be desperately running from their own lies

pay attention to my singing
you'll notice
how my heart rings
every time you're beaming

I finally get to love me
when you left me
without goodbyes
without whys and because
without intros and the ends
I finally get to see me
the true worth
I'm supposed to be

With all the
Bragging
You brought
To the plate
You’re still
Unable
To squirt
Honesty and moderate
Hence;
Lies that lies
In your eyes
Cause all the cries
As your very own prize

I hate
The fact
You know me
Well
That from
The start
You said
I’m hell
The smallest
Thing
That made me cringes
To the ugly truth
Of painful twinge

I write whatever comes to my mind
It’s not just about you
But the trees
And the breeze
The chirpy birds
The foggy mornings
The fresh coffee
The stagnant traffic
The giggly baby
The nosy neighbour
The silent creeper
The snappy ally
The lovey-*****
That’s oh so dearly
That painful memory –
Of you; obviously
That comes once a while
When I smile
When I cry
When I’m sad
When I’m mad

I write whatever comes to my mind
It’s not just about you

I was trained
To love silences
Not to beg for your attention
I was mould
To stay content
Not to hope for any companion
I was left
To learn independent
Not to cling for your time, and
I’m content with myself
Left alone –
With no one else

I'm back to square one
People would say
That I'm stupid
That I'm reckless
I keep going to that
Similar path
Recreating the same mistake
But I can't say that
It’s a mistake -
It was once a decision
A decision once made
Out of love

Then why would
You say that
I'm stupid
That I'm reckless
Don’t you went
Through the same journey?
Don’t you once fall
For the same reason?
That once you loved;
You loved wholeheartedly
Despite the bad
That he had
***** all that
You still love that brat

And the thing
About loving is -
Specifically me that is
I always love more
I always give more
I always suffice more
As if I was born
To do so
Unconditionally
Unrealistically
Undying
Unlikely

But even so
I always end up
Draining
Drowning
Space out
Left out
Wondering
Worrying
And always
Sighing
Crying
Fortifying

And when
The heart
Mends itself
I'll still fall in love
As much back then
Even with the broken pieces
That twined inside unreleased
I’d do the same
All over again
And love as much
Always all out
Without a doubt

at every
red lights;
I cried

I wanted to let go
But I just couldn’t
This aching heart
Only recognised your smile

I tried, I did
But somehow
My painful chest
Keeps beating
For your sight

It wasn’t ours
To begin with –
We way lose tracks
From our selfish act
But you’ll always
Stays in my heart
Until it shattered –
And buried alive

I take it you enjoyed the pain -
would you stay for another
round of heartache?
bear with me - really
it'll only take a moment
to put a dagger
in my heart