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Luna Casablanca May 2016
The more I think about it
and hold a drink in my hand
I sip some more and hope my
drunk eyes will **** the night
over.
It's better than killing
myself.
The desire has been on inside
me like a light switch.
I turn it off but someone
always manages to turn it on
before I reach it.
If I am to reach anything,
it will be my destiny,
the thoughts aren't real, and
depression and mania will have
their matches in the ring.
I may seem like someone new the
next day or minute,
but you can always expect to
see me again the next day
or minute.
The thoughts happen and don't
go anywhere,
but I'm here to stay
only because I
want to in all
honesty.

Bad thoughts-(SWITCH OFF)
Good thoughts-(SWITCH ON)
And see the light that is here on
earth.
It is hard when the thoughts arrive, but know your destiny and don't obey your depression. If you ever think too much of it or want to do it, tell somebody who loves you. We sometimes forget who loves us but there is someone, I promise.
Luna Casablanca May 2016
I was at the point of breaking
for far too long.
I patched up and allowed no
cracking or shattering for all
to see my good side.
I am now broken and in
pieces getting bigger and
lower in the heart.
So much I don’t want to do
and so many things I can’t
think about anymore since
I’ve been gone.
I came off too strong and too
soon I came off to you.
At least everyone is happy,
though I see the twinkle in
your eye.
It tells me you remember me.
As long as you remember just
one good thing about me,
I’m fine with everyone having
fun without me.
I don’t want to come back, but
for this phase to end.
It’s killing me,
it’s a child’s murderer,
a mother’s death,
a father’s abuse,
a daughter’s ****,
a son’s suicide,
an elder’s coma,
a change that effects
so many once one is
gone.
Never did I want to say
goodbye but just how I
felt about the
differences between you
and me.
There was nothing and always
the  suicidal thoughts,
but I stayed to see and find if
you would love me for me
only.
I had the thoughts during the time because of how I was too different. Yep.
Luna Casablanca May 2016
Expect to see me as I
pass by on the block.
Know I am ok when I
am alone at a table.
Spend no time waiting for me
in a chair facing away from the
desk,
I am never coming back.
Change not a thing and be
nobody new.

It’s just too little too late
very soon and frantically
grasping.
It took such little time
to be distant and receive
a smile,
hello,
how are you?,
how have you been?
Friendliness had to wait
and come once I was
gone.

But truthfully,
I’m still here,
and I see you there.
I walk this same block
for the same reason
you do.
It is the fastest way
home for both of us,
though my home is
occupied by just
me.
Come over anytime
when you are not busy
together.
Took til I was gone to see
they cared
and might still.
Luna Casablanca May 2016
I am not your hero,
you are not my rock and roll.
I see your bodies turned away,
you see mine shake and twitch.
I never thought I would be the
loud one,
the oddball,
the ******,
the threat.
This is not the only piece I have
so far.
I wrote many while I was confused
and just praying I would last in
your lives.
I am sorry I ruined them,
and I’m sorry for myself for
coming off too strong too soon.
I was not an interesting subject changer,
I was an attention *****.
I was not the one who played the guitar,
I was the one who knew nothing.
I wasn’t just quiet,
I was the one who didn’t have a word to
say that didn’t make things awkward.
I never thought space was how you
would all respect me.
I see it as sad, and you see it as a gift.
I tried everything to get you to like me,
but I can only be who I am.
I never asked you to change for me,
and there I would sprint to find a tune
that would play the sadness for me.
It’s not about me,
this is how you let me be,
the free and flying bird.
I’ll go back to your nest
when you are ready to
love me the way I am
again.
The best thing I did for us
all was not until now,
to fly away.
I like music, they like gaming. I have nothing against them, but I never thought that the one thing I needed to do was not to try and play the games, was not to ask everyone if they liked anything I did, but to leave the group. I have high respect, but I never thought this was how I would do the right thing. I just can't be who they are.
Luna Casablanca May 2016
You know,
it’s just a game.
If I can’t learn
to hear screaming
over a loss and not
cover my ears,
I can’t play with you.

If you don’t want to
let me in without
clenching your fists
and gritting your teeth,
why ask me anyway?

If we can’t learn to
accept all our differences,
we can’t be in the same
game.
I lose, someone else wins,
I feel no sorrow,
you feel no sympathy.

Who is the winner anyway?
Since I have songs to play
and dreams to fulfill,
I would say the winner
is me.
Your loss, is a chance,
to have a friend who
cares deeply and shows
appreciation,
like me.
Luna Casablanca May 2016
The dreams I have where enemies reside
are killed by the morning light and savored
in my frontal lobe.
I think how they could have hurt me the way
they did in the dream.
She put her arms all over me and she grasped
my neck I could not breathe at all.
He grabbed my hand and would not permit me
to be with my friends though I could sense the
relationship was over.
Waking up after seeing somebody I once was
abused by is hard to do,
but its harder for them to see I am awake and
ready
to let it all go
and live for real,
this time.
Luna Casablanca Apr 2016
Part of it was security higher than a mountain,
some of it was trust larger than a desert.
It was natural no matter how scary to see,
and vulnerable no matter how much you laughed
and I sat humiliated.
I said I could do it, it took a crowd to say I couldn’t
after I fell and broke something.
Doesn’t matter what can and can’t be fixed.
It is over,
but I trusted whoever was there
when I made the greatest mistakes
ever.
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