My family is ripped apart, and Im standing in the middle.
They drag me in the one direction and then the other.
I think this will break me apart.
Their words hurts like knives, screaming out their hatred.

What Im supposed to do?
Anything I say, is like stepping on a minefield.
I try to shut it all out, but the screaming, the dragging, the hatred is too loud.

My soul is hurting.
I want to scream and cry, but nothing comes out.
Im just here.
In the middle of it all.
Trying to hold my self together, because it's the only thing I can do.
Just hoping.
That one day.
This war will end.

That girl who sits silent all alone in the classroom.
That girl who holds up the door for whoever it should be.
That girl who speaks rarely, but when she does her words are poetry and melodies.
That girl who always wear black nail-polish and draws in her notebook.
That girl who smiles at you in the hallway.
That girl who pukes at the girl-restroom.
That girl who have to take care of her sister when her mom are laying drunk as always on the couch.
That girl who cries herself to sleep after watching herself in the mirror.
That girl who gets beaten up by the lockers just because she is a "freak".
That girl who came to school with a black-eye, but kept her mouth shut.
That girl exist.
That girl is maybe in your life.
Do you see her now?

My soul keeps wandering these empty halls.
It's lost and have no meaning no path.
Wandering like a ghost haunting me about my past.
My shadow who keep letting these thoughts coming in to my mind.
My mind fille dup with chaos and nonsense.

The words I make up in my head is like knives in my soul
And when I let them go to me, my herat is puring out
My eyes start pushing sadness trhough my eyes.
My pillow gets mascara marks from my pain.
And outside of these walls everone thinks Im fine.

When everything is a mess
And it is all kind of a fuss
I want to just be blank
Out of thoughts
Out of my mind

Im trapped inside myself
So much to do
All the time
You have to do this
You have to do that

My soul is not in peace
It is always in war with myself
Im I good enough?
No of course not
Because it is still a thousands things
to do
before my life is "perfect"

But how many things do I have to do
Just to be happy?

So white, so pure,so cold.
Im beginning to feel old.
The year goes bye, is what I been told.
Every year the same old snow.
Flying from the skies, in those little pieces.
Cold as a winter morning, it falls down on your hands, your head, your nose.
Snow.
It will come snow every year as I have been told.
I wonder if the snow is going to come even if Im old...

I look on a screen, day and night.
My phone lights up the morning instead of the sun.
The screen shows me how the world want me to be, act, think and so on.
It's rules I have to obey by the screenworld, by the screenpeople.
The people who everyone knows, the people who make and obey the rules.
My phone is my guide to be liked, and to have the best life.

But is it really?
I get so connected, that I feel unconnected to the people around me.
I don't hear what my friends are saying because Im trapped in a screenworld where the screenpeople are more important.

I don't know what I should like, think, say or behave anymore without the rules.
Who am I? Who am I, I ask to myself repeatedly. And then I go to find the answer in the screenworld.

Where Im already stuck in the thousands rules we have to follow.
You should act like this, talk like this, mean this, look like this.
At which point did I get to be a slave for a screen.
For a simple screen. How could this little thing control my life, and myself.

So now, I have taken a chance. I log off. For good.

Finally, the day has come.
It feels as my soul has been trapped in over a decade, in this cage.
And now, finally Im free.
My body is lifted out of the prison I before called home.
I can finally look up at the moon and feel the sun behind the moon shining through, just to hit my face with warmth.
I feel so happy. Im not in the shadows, Im in the light.
The dark is gone. Forever I so hope.

And A new me is starting to wake up in this old body.
My eyes light up like sparkles, I never knew they would have in a so long time.

I feel my heart chiver as I look upon your smile.
Thanks for upon up my cage, and my heart.
To finally find me and my smile again.

Finally, the day has come.
It feels as my soul has been trapped in over a decade, in this cage.
And now, finally Im free.
My body is lifted out of the prison I before called home.
I can finally look up at the moon and feel the sun behind the moon shining through, just to hit my face with warmth.
I feel so happy. Im not in the shadows, Im in the light.
The dark is gone. Forever I so hope.

And A new me is starting to wake up in this old body.
My eyes light up like sparkles, I neve rknew they would have in a so long time.

I feel my heart chiver as I look upon your smile.
Thanks for upon up my cage, and my heart.
To finally find me and my smile again.

When you are with people, but at the same time on the outside
When they talk like you are not there, still you are sitting infront of them.
When you try to talk, but everyone ignores you.
Im an outcast. I know Im isolated in my own mind.

It doesn't help that people keep me on the outside anyway...

One day I will show through the light. You will notice me, and I will be heard.
Maybe it's not today or tommorow. But the day will come.

And when the day arrives, you will be blown away by my thoughts and meanings. And wish you heard the first time I tried to share it.

I don't mean im better than anyone, but I don't mean that everyone is better than me... Im just different.

If you could choose to look down on the rain or up at the sun, at the same day. What would you choose?

Probably the sun. Or maybe the rain.
It all depends on how you are looking on things.
In a negative or positive way.

With positive thinking, you may bring positivity in your life.
Why not try it?

My body is floating on the ocean, and my foot is tied to a heavy box.
The heavy box is all my dark thoughts, and my depression.
It dragging me down, under the water.
I feel sometimes I get strangled by my own words.
I will not tell a living soul my darkest thougts. Because that is a sign of weakness.

So under the water I go. The box dragging me further and further down.
I can't breath.
I try to untie my self, but it's to hard.
Why do I have to have this box?
Why?
The people who know me says everyone have a box like that.
But they don't understand how it is to hate yourself so freaking much.

That your biggest enemy is yourself.
That this box is holding you down.
That you can't just untie the know and everything will just be fine.
And you can't say anything because then you will drown.

My body is a cage.
My spirit is a bird.
I want to come out, but my mind is stopping me.
Everytime I get close to unlock the cage, I loose the key...
ANd I have to start over one more time.... in the dark.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Can't you see that you are killing me.
Because of what I see.
I can't believe this is me.
I hate you mirror, to show that this is the actual me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.
You are killing me, with showing the monster I have become.

I look outside the ***** window on the bus.
Everything goes so fast, and so slowly at the same time.
So much to do all the time. To make the reality better.
But since we work every second, we never see the simplicity of treausrues in the everyday.

Like how elegance a leaf is dancing silent, or how the sun light touch the leafs and it looks like gold.

No, we don't see that. We only see all we have to do. Homeworks, get a job, get a better house, travel and all that.

But take a second and just breathe. You are still alive.

As a I stand still, waiting the time.
My eye catches something high in the air.
It is something simple like single leaf, dancing on the waves of air.

He keep his mouth shut.
You think he is unsocial or just a loner.
He looks boring, but he sees and hears everything.
Maybe he don't speak, but that doesn't mean he dont sees and hear.

He see more deeply than others. How the object is in colours, what sound it makes, what vibrations and feeling it gives out.
While all you see is a "thing".

He sit all by himself, and write what he observe.
No one walks over to say "hi", nobody notice if he is sick.
He is just "there".

One day a guy steals his notebook.
And he reads from it out loud infront of the whole class.
The quiet guy seem calm, he sits quiet as usual.

In the notebook, it's the reason to be. It's the anwer of our existence, it is all the colours and music in descriptions.

It is so beautiful that the whole class get touched.

The next day, the quiet guy isn't their. He is in their hearts.

She had a quiet mind.
She listened more than words come out of her.
She did not only listen, she analysed everything.
How your mouth was in movement, how you eyes looked, how your tone in the voice changed.
It was not only words you gave her, you gave her a picture.
And a picture is more than thousand words.
She had a quiet mind. But her eyes was busy.

Looking on everything, the vibrations, colours, heat, everything.
She was always quiet.
But now that she is gone, everyone is quiet for her.

Thinking more before their actions.

Today I was a ghost.
I was wandering the crowded halls on school as I was a ghost.

No one seemed to notice me. I was invisible.
Or at least in their eyes.
I didn't talk. Why bother talking when they don't understand your language.
I was just there.
Just a person, who nobody cared if even was alive.

I was air between the people.
I was like a ghost.

A ghost with a beating heart and a messy mind.
My voice was on mute. Everyone thought I was shy.
But id they had seen my mind, they would see I was loud and clear.

So... Guess I have a super power. Being the awkward ghost.
You can only see me when I make mistakes. And thats often, but not always.

You say Im lonely by choice.
But do you know, that Im trying my best to just get up everday?
You say Im boring and stuck up.
The truth is that my mind is a constant noise and my thouughts are killing me.

You see me alone all the time, and maybe think I don't have any friends.
But how could I, when I never say the right thing?
You never bother to say hello, not that I do it either...

So do you really know the shy girl who hides in the back of the classroom.

I may not be as beautiful as a rose,
smart as a professor
or
have a big talent.
All  I have is my deep thoughts, deep like my soul.

And that is more than enough more me.

Clouds.
Fluffy, light and soft.
Beautiful to watch.
Blue skies, everything are a delight.

One moment after....

Clouds.
Dark, scary and grey.
Dark clouds, everything are going to hell...

Thunder, lightning are the dark clouds friends.

Noises all around.
Spinning round, and round.
An endless circle with only sound.
People around me use their mouth, not to speak for a purpose.
No. They talk, move their mouths constantly. Why?
Only to make noise, chaos, and sound.
Im sitting in the birdcage. Noises all around.

My thoughts are somewhere else. But the noises are following me around.
Leave me alone! Can't I just block it all out?
Get away from the noise, all the sound. All the people who make me this miserable....
No. Im still sitting here. Trapped in the birdcage, with noises all around.

The people on my age is so different, than me. Or at least I feel like that´s the case.
While they talk on and on about boys, parties, make-up and all that teenage-stuff. Im over here like tinking about "what is the meaning of this life?", "when I die, will I get to live again?",  "How do emotiens work?",  "why do people act like they do?" and questions like these.
Im beginning to think Im an alien. Stranded on the weird planet called "Earth".

My "people" are not supposed to think about these certain stuff. They should worry about how the mirror looks at them or how the flame in their eyes catches a boy at a party.

So why Im I like this?
Like an alien?
Overthinking about every detail....

Wake up from the short minute of sleeping I got, like always.
Go to school like always, meet the same people.
They talk almost about the same ****, everyday. Im tired of it.

Im tired of the same thing, over and over again. My mind is so noisy, but my mouth is so quiet and soundless.
Some people even think Im not capable of using my mind and put what I think into words, that I have to scream. Scream loud enough.
Because no one, would even care if I shared my thoughts.
They would go on with theirs same routines, same ******* like always.

So why bother? I go to school, everyday. I don't see the point of it at all.
I feel it's something everyone get's forced to go too.
But another day is here, and Im still here.

On my school, Im the shy, invisible girl.
My friends are gone and lost. At- least at this school.
Girls in my class is like another species, if you compared them to me.
The bell rings, and the hell begins again.
Where all the students pair up together.

Except me.
Im in the corner.
By my side, is only a shadow, and that's my shadow.
Girls in my class are so see-through. They show everything and share everything. Rumours, secrets you name it.
They didn't even know my name last year.
I keep myself as a mystery. Maybe that's a bad thing, but I like it that way. It so boring when you know everything and all.
It is like a see-through purse. You see everything a person have.
Im more the dark purse, where you wonder what's inside.
Im not one of the see-through people.

This is not a poem.
This is my stories, I tell through my voice, my written words who scream out loud.

How it is to bee lonely, ignored, pressured and not at least a teenager. Im sorry if I have used this microphone (page) wrong.

Because my words are not considered as poems who rhymes, or have a deep meaning.

But they rhyme with my heartbeat, these are the "deep" thoughts I have about life. So I have to scream they down on paper, use my voice. So my brain does'nt have a mess.
So. This is not a poem.
These written words on my page, are my story.

Im alone with friends, or alone with myself.
The only friend I have is the dark shadow, it follows me.
Everywhere.
In the classroom or birdcage as I like to call it, everyone sees me as an outcast. A person who isn't all black and white, and see-through.
So instead of making noise for no reason like they do, I draw, write, think.
Thinking of my future. The future behind this space.
Where my shadow and I are not longer a couple.
Where I actually have friends, different like me.
Where Im not a no one.
In a another future where Im me.
And that's good enough.
So yeah Im a no one.
A ghost wandering these halls, the cafeteria, the bus, and my home.
But this ghost think more than you will ever understand.

My soul is a mystery.
I don't recognise what I am, what I do.
Does somebody control me?
Why can't I just act as I want, and do what I want?
Why do I have these handcuffs on my hands, tight.
I want to free as a bird, fly across the world. With control ove rmy own soul.
But my anxiety, the fear. It takes control.
And I live in my bubble. With someone else in control over my soul.

I have an issue.
Im an addict. No, not to any thing illegal or alchol.
But Im an addict to run away from the reality.
To watch my movies and tv shows, is like a portal to a total different world.
Where I live many lives. I have other problems. And the reality is on pause.

Where I can breath out, and just be another me.
Where all my problems are washed away.
I tell people is like dreaming with open eyes.
And it is really something magical.
When I see through the screen someone drowning, I hold my breath.
I live in the screen. Im an addict to the thousands lives out there.
I just want to feel, experience something without being so afraid all the time..

So yeah call me an addict if you want.
But its what keeping me alive.

You may think Im perfect. Thats far away from the truth.
All those nights you thought I was hanging with friends or was at a party.
When the reality was I was alone in my bedroom.
In the corner. By myself. All alone.
So lonley it could be.
Tears was running down my chin, it was black spots all over my pillow.
My pillow looked like a spotted art. But my heart was crushed in pieces.
My eyes, was almost closed. I felt the pain, as I were holding down my scream.
My scream, who could relase all these emotians.
Im not perfect. Im just very good at acting.

In the classroom, every noise, every sound just dissepear.
When I get that look. That look on something, and my thoughts wander around in my brain. Thinking about everything and nothing at the same.

That look, who cancel all sound. I dissepear in my own world, and loose control over my reality. What did you say teacher? I could'nt hear you.

I got that look. I dozed off in to wonderland. I came home, with wonderful ideas, but I could'nt care less about your math.

A guy stare out in to the open sky.
Back at him shines the statrs and a whole galaxy.
He wonder.
Thoughts that he thinks are weird.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
Cant the universe just give me a sign?
Im lost between what my parents think I should do and what I think I want my purpose to be.
So what?
Help me.
A desperate silent scream about help goes out deep in outer space.

But no answer.

She is trapped inside her own shell.
Want's to come out, but it feels impossible.
Why does it have to be like this, its not fair.
All the other people has cracked their shells, and now living their life.

So why cant she?

Maybe she is too afraid, to she how the real reality is really like.
She has only listen till the rumours about how these and that is.
Is it true or false?
Well she has to come out of her own little cocoon to find out, doesnt she?

She takes a deep breath, and block all the rumours out.
From now on, she is only gonna trust on her own judgement, and no one else.
And then, she burst out of the shell and...
Finally open her eyes wide open till the holy truth.

I look in the mirror everyday.
I beginning to forget how Im suppose to look.
Is this really me?
Im I different than yesterday?
I look deeply in my confused eyes.
They glance back at me, I see my soul staring back.
And I think to myself, that everybody else know who they are.
But not me. Im a lost case, a person who don't know what it dislike and likes.
Im just an empty soul, flying in a silent wind past your window.

Im looking in the mirror.
An unknown person stare back at me.
She looks sad.
Nobody says she is pretty.
They all judge, but no one will listen and understand.
She is not good enough.
Not skinny enough, so she starves her self.
Not pretty enough so she drown her face in makeup till her face looks like a mask.
It's not good enough to be herself.
So she looks in the mirror, and see the tears come. But she keeps it on the inside.

Because she has at least to pretend to be happy enough.

When I dance, I will dedicate the dance to yo, because you are the only thing on my mind.
When I sleep, I hope that you will appear in a dream and rescue me from the evil, cold hearted world.
When I wake up, I hope that you know that you were the last thing I thought of before I got to bed last night.
When I see you, Its like sparks between our distance.
And when you speak its like a soft melody, that I always will be replaying in my mind.

So I hope you know how much you mean to me.

Nobody is perfect.
Everybody knows that right? So why are everyone obsessing with achieving it?

Its like a travel to the stars. It always look so close but if you see at the whole picture it will always be longer and longer to the goal.

We are people, we are not created to achieve the perfectness. We have bad sides and good sides.
That is the part who make u in balance.
So why not embrace your weirdness, you are unique because not everybody has the special thing you have.

Everywhere I turn, another face, another judgemental thought.
Everytime I look at myself, I dont regonice my face, it could be anyone.
Because everyone expect something from me, that in the end, I dot know what I exepct of my self.
Thoughts like Who am I are very common too me.
My mirror show me a strange person, an empty soul with a confused heart.

In a crowded place, I feel so alone.
On the street, I try too not look at the faces that keep haunting me. Its not the people Im afraid of its that their judgemental.
And when I get that feeling, I fall to the ground, and rip my hair.
I want too scream too make it stop. And everybody else calling it stupid.
Leave me alone, hold your stupid little thoughts for yourself.
Because I have my own fight to fight.

Everyday it's a Circus
Everyday is fulled with new chances
Everyday I can choose, how it will end
Everyday I feel its the same, but everyday is a new day
So Im gonna make the most of it from now off.

You stare in too my eyes, like its no one else in the world.
You kiss my lips, like its the last time.
We dance all night, until the sun comes up.
We live in the moment, by every minute that goes by.

I live in your heart, and you live in mine.
Lets keep this a secret, just you and I.

Then I woke up, It was all just a dream.
In the reality, Im a nobody, and you don't see.

Sometimes she wants to scream to the world that she loves you.
Sometimes she wants to just run and hug you, without a reason.

Sometimes she wishes she was yours.
Sometimes she wants to talk to you about all and nothing.
You don't know she is into you, and you are probably not into her.
But the strong feeling of love, is there, even if you wish it didn't exist.

Fake a smile, fake a feeling.
Pretend that this is over now.
Staying strong, like a soldier, with a convincing smile.
You know it's not real, you know you want to give up.
But you will not lose hope on yourself.

You keep reminding yourself that all the bad stuff, happened for a reason.
So you keep going, into the life again with a bright, fake smile on your face.

If you smile hard enough maybe one day you will believe its true.

The sky is darker, the leaves are different.
I can smell it in the air, that its changing on the way.
Nice hoodies, and warm cacao while I stare outside at the mystic in the air.
Its sad how all the leaves, that we have seen are just gonna leave.
Without a goodbye or so, they just slip away or fingertips.
Down too the ground and wait until the snow coming from the highest heaven.

Today I learned something maybe not everyone know.

As always I sat by myself, in the middle of the classroom, in the center of sounds.
Voices keep hitting me in the head all the time, but the meaning of the speaking sounds was nothing more than nonsense.

A group of ******'s sat in the corner, so popular they could shine. I sat with them, too observe how the populars acts.

When I was in this bird cage, I didn't understand why people would hang with people like these. All they said made no sense. It was like some children talking.

I now know that I prefer too hang with smart losers than dumb popular folks.

The one day, we can be anybody.
Look scary, ugly  and terrifying.
The true monster isn't the costume.
Its the soul and person behind.
After the halloween night, we undress and clean off makeup.
Then we are confronted with the real monster.

One day Im gonna show all the people who has let me down.
All the people who said I could not do it.
All the people who just said it was a silly little dream
All the people who crushed my dream, and it crushed my hope.

I had too believe in myself, and you will see.
One day. One beautiful day.
You will see.

Me on the top of the mountain
With my dream and my ever lasting hope.
I did it without all you negative people.
I did it.

Your voice is like music in my ears, like a condition too my soul.
Your eyes shine like diamonds, or stars in the sky.
Your hair shine bright like the sun.
Your skin is pale as milk and snow.
Your touch is electrifying, and it moves my heart.
Your perfume smells like a thousand roses
Your smile are white and bright as a happy little kid
You are my everything
And yet you don't see me
Because Im just me.