I’m scared
Even with the army behind me
I’m scared of the look in her eyes
When she realizes
That it’s me holding the knife
Not her anymore
I’m scared
That I’ll still have to stay
And nothing will be okay
I’m scared
Of this sudden change
It’s not just my life
It’s everyones
Everything will be different
I haven’t even had the chance
To find myself yet
I’m scared
I don’t know what I’ve done
But I know it’s huge
Bigger than me
And it’s not fair
But I’m scared still

I don’t know what’s going to happen
I don’t know what the outcome will be
And that
To me
Is the scariest part
Of everything

Is this going to fix everything
Or make it all worse
Did I make the right choice
Or did I ruin everything
Is this going to bring peace
Or cause more chaos and turmoil
I don’t know
And that scares me

I am taking deep breaths
But I still can’t breathe
Crushing weight
Of anxiety
My fingers are shaking
And I’m holding back tears

I work so hard
To be enough

And I'm tired
But I'll keep going

Because it makes me worthy.

I am worthy
When I pass out from exhaustion

I am worthy
When I've worked myself dead

I am worthy
When I win the award
Or get the part
Or beat the rest

I will be worthy
When I can show the world
No matter how I appear

I am not a bumbling fool.

I will not be ridiculed again
Or have my intelligence questioned

I am capable
I have earned this place
And nobody
Will make me feel lesser than

I won't let it happen again

You say I'm childish
For freely professing
All the words that are
Etched on my heart

As if I had any
Other choice but to
Be buried by them

screwdriver
pencil sharpener
blade.
how many scars
have i made?
i count them all
why not make another,
my simple minded brother?
its not like they heard you bawl
its not like they picked up your calls
its not like they ******* asked if you were okay when you kept punching the walls.
screwdriver...
pencil sharpener...
blade...
how many scars...
have i made...?

a beautiful soul
carved out of pain
afraid of burdening
others with your darkness
terrified that speaking
is only attention seeking
darling, I see you
and I'm sorry I'm not there
don't peel back your skin
don't let your beauty
be rotted by sin
take that knife and toss it away
don't let the cold metal
pierce through your heart
always the therapist
the one who checks in
but darling we have failed you
who checks in on you?
pick me pick me
could never be you
but I pick you,
I do.
you have always been there
through the dark and the light
and finally I see you
I see you shining bright
you hate that it hurts
and honey I know
I wish I would have known
let us be close
let me help heal your scars
I know I've been gone
mentally at least
but honey I'm here now
talk to me please
never shut down
keep on pushing
because you have a soul
untouched by hate
you are pure
amazing
darling, its true
you are always there for others
but who is here for you?
I'm so sorry I've let you down
I'm sorry I've let you drown
don't worry about ruining anything
post everything here
you aren't a burden
we love you I swear
you are loved
and if I could hold you tight I would
One day I will
attention is divided
and its hard I know
but let me take a minute
and focus on you
you deserve it love
truly, you do
you cannot lose me
I'm here now
let yourself be loved
and please keep ranting
I won't look again
(I lied)
I love you.

here I am
in a place that's not quite right
I don't fit in with the popular girls
or the emo girls
or the sporty ones either
I'm kind of just there
I'm sitting here floating in a sea of loneliness
yes I have friends
but it just doesn't feel right
they don't feel real
nothing is feeling real at the moment
nothing is quite right
my legs are numb
my vision blurry
where am i
I'm out of place
nothing is quite right
nothing feels quite right
I'm just trying to survive  
as the long days go on
why am I still here