Parts of me that don’t add up
Puzzle pieces that don’t fit
Broken shards scattered around
Impossible to glue together
But I keep searching
For the right adhesive
That will fix what’s been shattered
Nothing seems to work
Everything is a temporary fix
To a major issue
Me
The problem
The unfixable
The broken

After the blood stops running
And the relief is over
An almost impossible to describe feeling takes control.
Its anger, regret
Its sadness and pain
Its how could I do such a horrible thing?
Its panicky hiding
Heart rate increasing
Oh my God how do I hide this?
But then after a bit
when bad feelings set in,
The cycle continues again.

to the man who should have been a dad
I really hope you aren't mad
and learn to teach the littles
beating kids is bad.
you should have been there when i cried out
to catch  me and raise me up
not drunk
or drugged
with a belt in hand
for crimes i never committed
please  be better for Monica and Henry
and teach them to love its all I  ask

To the mother who tried her best
rarely taking time to rest
you did good providing wealth to your family
but the area that you did lack
was finding time to come back
and in all fairness
you did not set
an honest game
i came in last amongst my siblings.
black sheep black sheep was my name
you fixed it perfectly while you sang
So please do try to forget
this child u did so regret
as i left this earth

And to the kids i was raised with
even if you hide behind a mask of rage
i know you love me, page after page.
****-Transphobic you may be
twas not your fault you hhated me.
when evil's all u grow to know
then does darkness-based truth doth show.
don't be sad, or feel so haunted
you shall know, this is what i wanted.

saw my friend and his service dog today
i mentioned how a dog like that
might be beneficial for me.
he said im not disabled.
if only he knew
about the constant panic i keep behind my eyes
for fear of being laughed at
tthe feeling of not being able to breath
like an elephant sitting on your chest
the fear of being talked to by someone i don't know very well
the heart racing
hands sweating 
breathing too fast
how do i get out
terror
i face every day. 
but must internalize as i was taught.

My heart no longer skipped a beat
When I saw your name light up my phone.

Because I knew.

Finally;
I knew.

That you will only hurt me;
Again and again and again.

And there is nothing
I can do.

i'll never forget
the way i screamed
when i woke up and saw her note.

the moment inbetween
where i didnt know
if my only family
the only one who had loved me
was even alive.

i knew from a young age i wasn't right.
i knew my parents didn't like that.
i knew that i couldn't be as perfect as my brother.
i knew that they wouldn't accept me.

but my sister
she loved me anyways
and she tried to die.
what if she had succeeded?
what if she was gone?
what would the last 4 years have been like?
would i still even be alive?

thank god
she's still here.

Midnight
One
Two
Three
In the morning
On my roof
Half moon
Cold air
Blanket on my legs
Tears
Hot
Down my face
Heaviness
In my chest